Myths about death
Miss Wong Sui Yi, Ida, Clinical Psychologist
One day, my three-year-old daughter asked, "Mom, everyone is going to die one day, right? Will people be the same after they die? Where do they go after they die?" Like most parents, I was at a loss at how I should answer her. I wondered what had aroused her interest in death and how I should answer her questions to clear her doubts.
Most parents have scruples about talking to their children about death because they think death is a taboo topic. This reflects that such parents are nervous and fearful of death themselves, and are afraid of bringing back painful memories. However, children may have misgivings about death or become unnecessarily scared of death if parents sidestep the topic or answer inappropriately.
In a relevant case, the patient was a four-year-old boy who we will refer to as Siu Hin here. Siu Hin's parents brought him to see me because he refused to go to bed at night. Even though they put Siu Hin to bed, he would be awakened by nightmares. Other than being plagued by a sleeping problem, Siu Hin did not have any other emotional or behavioural problems at school or at home.
During a treatment one time, Siu Hin told me a story. In his story, an old woman died in her sleep because of a sudden illness onset. He later told me this story was a plot of a TV programme. His mom later told me that Siu Hin always paid attention to the plots of TV dramas. He had once asked his dad about death, but his dad intentionally sidestepped the question and just casually replied that when we are dead, it will be like we are sleeping and know nothing about the world.
Apparently, Siu Hin had received a lot of information about 'death' from TV dramas; however, he had a mixed idea of death because he didn’t have any clue about it. In the end, with the boundless imagination of a child’s mind, he concluded that humans would die in their sleep if they sleep too deeply. This made him afraid that he would never wake up again if he fell asleep.
If parents are able to understand the mental development of children, they can often achieve more with less effort when encouraging them to explore the world. A child aged six or seven-years-old is still very egocentric, so they find things that they have never experienced to be abstract and difficult to understand. They do not understand the concepts of the 'finality of death' and 'God's arrangement'. Therefore, when answering children's questions concerning death, it is suggested that parents provide direct and simple answers that are suitable for their children’s age. For example, when your child asks, "Why did my dog die?" You may answer, "It was so ill that no medicine could cure it," or "It didn’t have enough food to eat." Parents should note that children tend to not directly ask the question that they are most concerned about. They might ask, ‘What will happen when I’m seriously ill?’ or ‘What will happen if I don't eat enough?’ But actually, they are worried that they will die. Parents should pay more attention to making their children feel safe and letting them know they are well protected.
Children aged younger than seven to eleven-years-old will think more concretely and objectively as their powers of analysis and understanding mature with the development of their brain. They will have figured out the common causes of death, such as cancer, poisoning, being caught in an explosion or being hit by a gun.
Children's curiosity towards death will not be weakened as they grow up. To help them overcome their fear and anxiety, parents should help their children gain an appropriate level of understanding of death. If they receive patient encouragement from their parents, they will be interested in exploring more and more.
Note / This article is translated by a translation company from the corresponding original Chinese article in the Chinese section of this website. It is meant to be just an approximation of the original article for the benefit of readers who do not read Chinese.