Miss Minerva Miniskirt, Minister of Truth in the FreeColumbian Trade Federation, is proud to announce thatLord Justice Sir Anthony Eden's judicial inquiry hasunconditionally exonerated her from the charge ofDeliberate High Treason.Ms Miniskirt is asked also to point out to the U.S.Bank, which has closed Ms Gloria Goldenlay's Accountbecause of suspected money laundering, that ourMinister of Finance is a client and director of theBanco Belsize Cayman International, has never heard ofthe US Bank and has never opened an account therewith. Nevertheless, she would be glad to receive anylaundered money mysteriously attributed to her. Babylust Illegals are informed that Ms Gloria Goldenlay has never heard of them, that she does notpossess a credit card and could therefore not havesubmitted an order."Quis dividet, regnat" is the motto of KGB5. Bysetting country against country, KGB5 ensures itscontinued existence. For this reason it has beentraditional for government employees, on setting footin foreign countries, to be arrested or expelled asspies - lest the world discover what is going on. Therefore when the nations of the world, including theFree Columbian Trade Federation and the RoyaumesUnies, in l988, signed the Secret Pollution ControlTreaty, with the aim of stimulating the market incompulsory ecological devices, the PollutionInspectors were allocated to an independentinternational agency, IntOffShit, answerable to theLeague of Nations and not directly to nationalgovernments.The Commissioners of the Free Columbian Federationseconded to IntOffShit our marine biochemist,Professor Dai Jones. Professor Jones was ScientificDirector of the Tuna Protection Agency, but, becausethis agency does not officially exist, he wasdesignated in published records as Deputy AssistantDoctor in the Ministry of Euthanasia (though he was really the Chief Officer of an independent Ministry).Professor Jones was therefore not answerable in hisnational functions to the Ministry of Euthanasia Internal Police and, had the Tum Tums pressurised himin relation to his international activities, thiswould have been a breach of international law. Despite this treaty, however, President Bliar of theR.U. chose in l990 to declare economic war upon theFederation by banning imports from our Tuna Farms onthe spurious grounds that the nandrolone,subcutaneously injected to improve the weight andquality of the fish, led to R.U. athletes being bannedfrom international events. President Bliar alsoordered all sewage to be 'disinfected', therebypoisoning the oceans and Tuna stocks. We therefore assembled a task force to depose President Bliar onbehalf of the R.U. people and to replace him with theDuke of Fayed, the Ministry-of-Euthanasia-financedleader of Old Labour in Exile who had never in hislife set foot upon the Royaumes Unies.On completion of our preparations, or shortly afterthe task force departed, in the year 2000, wepublishedour dossier 'President Bliar - The Truth' to informour citizens why we had gone to war. The dossiercited, amongst others, the following facts:-1. President Bliar perished in l888 within forty five seconds of contracting infection from an arabianillegal immigrant harlot and was, within those fortyfive seconds, replaced by a robot.2. The robot emits carbon dioxide, plant food whichinduces global warming which may be fatal to Tuna Fishwithin forty five seconds.3. A vessel in the robot's bunker was found to containhydrogen hydroxide, a source of hydrogen, which isused in the manufacture of thermonuclear weapons,which might be deployed against our fish farms withinforty five seconds.4. Traces were found in a receptacle in the bunker oftheobromine, 4 grammes of which might be sufficient topoison our entire fish stocks within forty fiveseconds.5. President Bliar authorised the GW PharmaceuticalsCompany to manufacture the previously illegal drug'cannaboids' in sufficient quantity to reduce theentire population of the Federation to psychosis,possibly within forty five seconds.President Bliar's policy turns out to have been moreeffective than we realised. Forty five seconds is along time in politics and, no doubt, President Bliarcan mobilise his weapons instantaneoulsy, on the pressof a button. But the population were ignorant enoughto believe any story, or else they were glad for anexcuse or needed a pretext for the compulsory toeingthe line which, when 'exposed' as meaningless,irrelevent, absurd or fantasy, could be blamed on thegovernment.The abovelisted and other facts were supplied to us aby a highly reliable secret source, well known in the Federation to be the Duke of Fayed. There wereinitially, amongst the scientific community,scurrilous attempts to undermine credence of thesefacts. We have recently discovered that there may bea small element of justification for this scepticism. How this could have happened is beyond ourunderstanding.Scientists are an undisciplined lot. The PollutionInspectors objected to it being implied that they werethe source of this rubbish and did not wish to beblamed for a war conducted on spurious grounds. Theywere even encouraged in their collective leakage bytheir the Director of IntOffShit, Dr Fritz Ficker.Journalists also resented being able only to report'absurd' government propaganda as news. This resulted,eventually, in Ms Georgina Whipcane, on TelevisioneDada Boris, claiming that an informant had told herthat the Pollution Inspectors were doing their nut andthat they blamed Miss Miniskirt for the distortionsand, as proved to be Georgina's undoing, she wasunderstood to be saying that Ms Miniskirt had misled the country deliberately. Naturally, Ms Whipcane had no specific informant - since it was all obvious and being repeated byeveryone. But, had there been an informant, he wouldinevitably have blamed Ms Miniskirt, since she is,after all, Minister of Truth. All that was necessarytherefore, since she would not be believed anyway, washer, for the record, to deny the allegation.Ms Miniskirt, however, blew her top. This resulted ina hunt for the 'mole' - so that he could beinterviewed to discredit Ms Miniskirt. TheCommission. or maybe it was KGB5, were also anxious tocapture and silence any potential mole. There was, of course, no mole - but the overconscientous ProfessorJones 'confessed'. So we, or maybe it was KGB5,arranged for his name to be broadcast - by givingjournalists a list of Ministry of Eutanasia Employeesand asking them to read it out until they came to therelevent name. Naturally, we, or KGB5, did not wishto name Professor Jones so that he might beinterviewed, but, if we then got rid of him, the Press might be sidetracked into supposing there weren't anyother moles.We have imported from the RU former members of theirGeneral Medical Council Health Committee to conductwithin the Ministry of Euthanasia secret kangarootrials designed to drive potential whisteblowers tosuicide.. and although this was contrary to Federationand International Law, this was, without President Mussulini's knowledge, done to Professor Jones. We,or maybe it was KGB5, then telephoned Professor Jones to tell him that he had been 'outed' - Well, it was not exactly that, since, after all, he would not havegreatly objected to being outed. He immediately, underinfluence of a mysterious compulsion, swallowed a bottle of tranquillisers which happened by coincidenceto be in his hands and wandered into his garden andfell over the cliff.President Mussulini courageously and properly orderedLord Justice Anthony Eden to conduct an inquiry intothe suiciding - so that a permanent record of theevidence would be available to the public. Ms Lila poLune, testifying to the inquiry, said that theinterbred intermarried Establishment of the Federationwas a collection of ignorant, stupid lawyers who didnot know what they were doing. Professor George Orton,testifying to the inquiry, explained that bureaucraticprocesses are robotic, that those who function withinthem are subjected to compulsions beyond their control- which despite its numerous defects does have theconsequence that bureaucrats occasionally blurt outthe truth at Public Inquiries.Lord Justice Sir Anthony Eden, therefore, concludedthat there had been no deliberate conspiracy tomislead or to push Professor Jones over the cliff. Itjust happened. The People of the Federation aredelighted for their belief to be confirmed thatpoliticians, and, in particular, Ministers of Truth,are in no respect, in no sense, nor on any occasion,guilty of what might be represented as dishonesty.