Marriage & Family Summit Pt3

Fulfilling Each Other’s Basic Needs in Marriage

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

I.The 5 Most Basic Needs of Women in Marriage

  1. Affection (not sex) Affection is the glue that holds the relationship together. Affection is an environment; sex is an event. (1 Pet. 3:7-10 AMP)
  1. To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval.

b.How do you show affection? (Just remember back to when you were trying to win her.)

  • What you did to win her will be what it will take to keep her for the rest of your life.
  1. Conversation – Remember how it was when you were dating. You both still need to exhibit that same intense interest in each other and in what you have to say – especially about your feelings. A woman has a profound need to engage in conversation about her concerns and interest with someone who – in her perception - cares deeply about her and for her. Remember, most women fall in love with men who have set aside time to exchange conversation and affection with them. They stay in love with men who continue to meet those needs.
  2. Openness and Honesty - Tell her everything about yourself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. Describe your positive and negative feelings, events of your past, your daily schedule, and your plans for the future. Never leave her with a false impression; stay truthful about your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.
  3. Financial stability - Assume the responsibility to house, feed and clothe the family. If your income is insufficient to provide essential support, resolve the problem by upgrading your skills to increase your salary.
  4. Family commitment/loyalty – She needs to feel you are totally committed to her and the children. No one and nothing should come between you and your family.

II.The 5 Most Basic Needs of Men in Marriage

1.Sex (Not necessarily affection) (1 Cor. 7:3-5)

a.Men if you do your part in giving the affection she needs, she will be more willing to give you the sex you need!

b.Many women never achieve sexual satisfaction because most men reach sexual climax much easier and faster than women.

c.Overcome your sexual ignorance by communicating openly with your spouse.

d.A husband and wife must learn how to share what they have learned about their own sexual responses, so that they can each achieve sexual pleasure and fulfillment together.

2.Recreational Companionship (Date-Time)

a.Many women hunt, fish, play football etc. while dating to spend time with their companion, yet after marriage pursue their own interest.

  • Don’t encourage your husband to pursue recreational activities that separate you. (The strange man or woman loves the activity that you hate.)
  • Husbands and wives can and should be best friends.
  • Try to engage in those recreational activities that both you and your spouse can enjoy together.
  1. Physical attractiveness
  1. Keep yourself physically fit with proper diet and exercise, and wear your hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that he finds attractive and tasteful. Your husband should be attracted to you in private and proud of you in public.
  1. Domestic support
  1. Create a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. Manage the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family.
  1. Respect/Admiration/Honor

Understand and appreciate him more than anyone else. Remind him of his value and achievements and help him maintain self-confidence. Avoid criticizing him. Be proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man you chose to marry.

III.Communication is the Key

A.Wrong Ways of Resolving Conflicts

If you don’t know the proper way to resolve issues, chances are you may use one or several of these four ways.

1.The silent treatment.

2.Hollering and screaming

3.Escape and avoid

4.Hitting and physical abuse

B.Proper Way to Resolve Conflicts

1.Take a break and pray.

a.Often couples are too angry to call a temporary truce in order to calm down and pray separately but it’s the right thing to do.

b.Ask God to show you yourself

2.Give peace a chance

a.Plan a formal peace meeting time and place where you and your spouse can face your issue head on.

  • It’s alright to put certain problems on the shelf until the time is right to deal with them.

3.The formal peace meeting

a.Maintain a positive outlook.

  • Reinforce the positive – Begin by saying, “I love you with all my heart, and I’m committed to our marriage, I was very anger but I’m certain we’re going to resolve these issues…”

b.Be willing to take some of the blame.

  • As a result of prayer and time to reflect, acknowledge your role in the creation of the problem at hand and take responsibility for it.

c.Sincere apologies

d.Express hurt instead of hostility.

  • “You hurt when you said xyz…”

e.Make direct statements.

  • Hints and off-hand remarks accomplish very little. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That’s the only way to resolve the conflict so your spouse will know the truth!

f.Avoid absolute statements such as “always” and “never.”

  • Accusatory statements like: “You always do this or that… or you never do this…” will put your mate on the defense.
  • Say how you feel in love with gentleness!

g.Be solution-centered.

  • We can talk all day about the problem but nothing will change until we plan possible solutions.

h.Seek godly counsel. (Caution – agree to this) Don’t tell your parents or close friends your problems unless you’ve both agreed to it!

4.Guard your heart.

a.Let it go! Don’t continually bring up old issues!

b.Set up times for ongoing communication. (Date night, walks in the morning together, etc.)