Managing Yourself Through Conflict
Inflammatory Language
When the Illusions of Conflict are running riot people have a tendency to use a lot of emotionally-charged language. When you are on the receiving end of this it can act as a ‘trigger’ causing you to counter-attack – and then the conflict escalates.
Here are some examples of the types of things that may be said :
-“You’re just being bloody-minded” (Labelling)
- “You young people are so inconsiderate”
(Stereotyping)
- “You’re always taking my files and not returning them” (Global
generalisations)
- “You deliberately didn’t pass on the message to me” (Accusations)
- “You treat your staff like imbeciles” (Loaded words)
You can calm things down by reflecting (summarising) back what the speaker is saying, but without using such language. This achieves a number of things :
- Reflecting back lets the speaker know that he/she has been heard
- Your ‘neutralising’ of the inflammatory language makes it easier for the other party to hear what you say
- You are modelling constructive communication
There are a number of different ways you can neutralise the language used.
For example :
-remove blame and accusations
-use neutral rather than loaded words
-change negatives to positives
eg
Someone says to you
“You never listen to a word I say”
you respond
“You feel that there are times when I have not listened to you”
Someone says to you
“Your customer service is appalling”
you respond
“There have been times when you were disappointed with the service you received”
Activity
In each of the following examples, imagine that someone has said or done something and that you have responded in the way given – which is pretty much guaranteed to escalate the conflict!
In each case, you are going to attempt to find a less ‘inflammatory’ response using the guideline given.
Example 1
Rewrite the following statement in a way that eliminates blame and accusations without ignoring the issues
“You must be thick because I’ve told you I need more notice and you still gives me things at the last minute”
Example 2
Rewrite the following statement using neutral language
“I hate the way you yell and shout and swear at people”
Example 3
Rewrite the following statement changing negatives to positives
“I am hacked off with your loud music”
Example 4
Rewrite the following statement using general, inclusive statements ie depersonalising it
“You keep blocking my drive with your car”
Example 5
Rewrite the following statement in a way that emphasises the positive
“When you keep slamming the door it makes my nerves jangle”
Example 6
Rewrite the following statement removing stereotypes and labels
“People your age are always ruining other people’s fun”
Example 7
Rewrite the following statement changing global generalisations to specifics
“You’re always taking my files and not returning them”
Example 8
Rewrite the following statement without including accusations
“You deliberately didn’t pass on the message to me”
The more you practice in ‘real life’ the easier you will find it to become more skilled. Sometimes you may realise that you have responded in an inflammatory way. When you have a moment, find the handout and write down what you could have said instead. Like all skills – from driving a car to playing a musical instrument – communication skills need practice.
Lynda Benham Page 1 of 2