Managing Conflict
I.Understanding Conflict
A.Principles
1.Principle #1 - Conflict is inevitable
a.Life is built on relationships
b.Where there is life there is passion
c.Where there is passion there is the potential for conflict
2.Principle #2 - Conflict can be constructive
a.Conflict in and of itself is not always bad nor does it have to be destructive
b.Where there are differences of opinions or a different viewpoint, there is also an opportunity for the exchange ofideas, which could affect a desired outcome.
3.Principle #3 - The first step in understanding conflict is to take away the fear of the unknown. While conflict has the potential of affecting relationships in an adverse way, it can also promote an opportunity for understanding.
Note: "The Chinese symbol for conflict is a product of two Chinese words: DANGER and OPPORTUNITY." 1
B.Myths about conflict: Myths occur when there is a lack of understanding.
Five myths that inhibit positive conflict management
1.The presence of conflict is a result of poor relationship skills.
Note: If conflict is inevitable then it will occur no matter who is involved. A person will be not be judged by the presence of conflict but by the way the conflict is managed.
LIFO Leadership Orientation. In LIFO there are four leadership styles that will determine how we react to conflict.
a.Support Giver
b.Adaptive Dealer
c.Control Taker
d.Consensus Leader
Under normal conditions, we can respond in any one of the four leadership styles. We have a natural bent toward leadership and that is how we will respond under "normal conditions" The problems (or opportunity) can occur in the presence of stress conditions when we revert to our inner style of leadership. This inner style of leadership is what has the potential of making conflict destructive rather than constructive.
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1 Hendricks, William. How To Manage Conflict - A Practical Guide to Effective Conflict Management, National Press Publications, Shawnee Mission, Kansas. PP. 2.
Illustration: A Consensus Leader or a Support Giver can be good under normal conditions. These are the positive leadership styles. When conflict occurs or there is the presence of stress, the best leader is one that is consistent in their leadership style. Problems occur, whena stressful situation or a conflict leadership style changes to Adaptive Dealer or Control Taker especially if they are carried to the extreme. For instance, Adaptive Dealer carried to the extreme is counter productive when one is willing to give up principle or vision in the presence of conflict or disagreement. The danger of the Control Taker is equally and perhaps even more counterproductive when carried to the extreme. The Control Taker says, "it's my way or the highway." This shuts off discussion and makes it a personal issue rather than a process issue.
2.Conflict is a sign that someone has their own agenda and has little or no concern for the larger picture.
Note:Unfortunately, sometimes this can be true. However, in most cases people defend and protect areas where they have deep concern. Most of the time, it is because they do not understand how the current direction benefits the larger picture. Conflict arises when there is both a genuine concern and a lack of understanding. Healthy conflict resolution can help clarify emotions, and serve as a tool for identifying underlying concerns, priority and values.
3.Anger during conflict resolution is negative and destructive.
a.Anger is a God given emotion. There are times when anger can be an appropriate response. For instance: When Jesus came to the temple to worship he saw the money changers buying and selling on the temple court. He exercised His righteous anger by cleansing the temple.
b.Anger can be used appropriately or inappropriately. When we allow anger to become an inappropriate response it will be destructive and will add to the conflict. "Anger is only one letter away from danger."2
Note: An emotional response to a situation is generally a reaction to an inner value or concern being challenged. How we respond to a certain situation is a reflection of the inner self. Although outwardly, we appear as even tempered and supportive under normal conditions but inwardly there are unresolved issues and emotions, when challenged, a different emotional response will bedemonstrated. When you squeeze a lemon, lemon juice comes out. When a person finds themselves in a conflicting situation, generally what is inside (value system) comes out, good or bad.
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2Ibid. PP3.
4.Conflict, if left alone, will take care of itself. Left unchecked, conflict can escalate.
5.All conflict must be immediately resolved.
a.When conflict resolution becomes solution oriented, creativity becomes affected.
b.Most conflict situations require time to resolve.
c.Some conflict situations unveil multiple problems that require multiple solutions.
d.Quick solutions seldom deal with the effects on the big picture.
II.Characteristics of Conflict
A.As conflict escalates, concern for self increases.
B.As self-interest increases, the desire for a win/lose attitude increases.
C.Even nice people can become destructive as conflict increases.
D.As conflict increases conflict management strategies that work at low levels are often ineffective.
E.Conflict may skip levels.
F.People are likely to be at different levels during conflict.
III.Stages of conflict
A.Stage one conflict - Stage one is the normal, on-going conflict that requires little action.Most individuals employ coping strategies as a tool to overcome stage one.
1. Characteristics of stage one conflict.
a. Day-to-day irritations. Most of the time these irritations can be passedoff but it they are consistent they can become a problem.
b. Live and let live. This works until there starts to be a shift inthe response.
c. Separate the people from the problem.
2. Solutions to stage one conflict- When people work together, differences exist in goals, values and individual needs. Individuals are usually willing to work toward a solution during stage one.
a.Examine both sides of an issue and look for a common solution.
b.Determine if this conflict is isolated or as a result of other disagreements or unsolved problems.
c.Identify the points of agreement and work on those first.
f.Identify the points of disagreement and look for a common solution.
g.Compare this conflict as it relates to the whole picture.
B.Stage two conflict- Stage two conflict progresses from avoidance of day-to-day irritations to a "win-lose" attitude.
1.Characteristics of stage two conflict
a. At this stage conflict takes on the element of competition.
b. Losses are greater at this stage.
c. Self-interest and "how one looks" become very important.
d. At stage two people begin to keep track of verbal victories and record mistakes, witnesses take sides.
e. Stage two conflict can no longer be managed by coping or ignoring.
f. References to "they" and "everyone else"
g. Words of exaggeration like "always" and "never" are used often.
h. Put-downs, sarcasm, and innuendoes are prevalent.
i. Trust level is lessened between conflicting parties.
j. Wait and see reverts to "you prove yourself to me."
2.Solutions for stage two conflict
a.Separate the people from the problem if possible.
b. Create a safe atmosphere where discussion is non-threatening.
1) Informal setting
2) Neutral turf
3) Develop an agenda
4) Be in control
5) Set the tone
6) Be honest and slightly vulnerable
c.Be exact and strong on "facts" and not "attitudes."
d.Establish a team solution concept.
e.Allow for middle ground.
f.Allow the proper time to pull the conflicting parties a middle ground.
g.Sit in a circle (not at tables) facing one another. Mix up the group.
h.Watch for comments that indicate "either-or" and "black and white issues." These indicate a level three conflict.
C.Stage three conflict - Stage three conflicts quickly shifts from wanting to win towanting to hurt or destroy. Stage three conflicts wants to "get rid" of the other party to the conflict. Simple problem solving will not work at stage three. Being right and proving others wrong become the consuming issue of the conflict.
1.Characteristics of Stage three conflict
a.Leaders of the conflicting parties emerge as spokespersons.
b.Outsiders are enlisted toward the cause.
c.There is no middle ground.
d.Consensus cannot be reached.
2.Solutions for stage three conflict
a.Impartial arbitration or mediation must take place.
b.A fair hearing must be provided for everyone involved.
c.A time limit must be set on mediation. Individuals in the conflict may want to prolong the conflict as they are consumed by the emotions that are involved.
d.Negotiation requires parties to sit across from one another and work through the conflict in the presence of an outside mediator.
e.It must be understood that mediation may bring solutions to the problem but they will not necessarily produce harmony at this stage.
f.In stage three conflict everyone loses something.
g.When stage three conflicts arises the focus must be to minimize the losses and refocus on those that are willing to work it through.
h.In stage three conflicts a cooling off period may be appropriate to minimize loses.
i.Work carefully through the process of mediation.
1) Details are essential.
2)Allow priority time to do mediation.
3)Identify first those in the conflict that are not in stage three but are in stage one or two. Begin immediately to redirect them out of the stage three conflict resolution.
4)Focus the mediation on the big picture, common goals, and visions.
5)Where conflict has become personal and can be resolved on a common ground, then some hard decisions and recommendations must be made. It is important to determine who or what the governing authority must be in this case.
IV.Suggestions for conflict mediation
A.Build winners - voting builds losers.
B.Declare a moratorium - Relationships are more important than solutions.
C.Encourage equal participation.
D.Listen actively.
1.Listening says you are important.
2.Listening provides quick understanding of the conflict.
3.Listen for facts and not opinions. Separate fact from opinion.
4.Separate people from the problem.
V.Cautions for mediation
A.Don't get caught in the power struggle.
B.Don't become detached from the conflict.
C.Don't let the conflict establish the agenda.
VI.Five stages of mediation
A.Establish the parameters
B.Collect the information
C.Frame the issues
D.Generate the alternatives
E.Evaluate the process
F.Develop accountability for solutions.
VII.Six rules for a fair fight
A.Conflict can be healthy and useful for achurch. It is ok for people to differ with one another.
B.Resolutions for the sake of quick agreement are often worse than agreements that are carefully worked out over time.
C.Fair conflict includes:
Deal with one issue at a time
If more than one issue is present, agree on the order and priority of the issues to be addressed
Examine all elements of the conflict
Look for alternative solutions to the conflict
D.If anyone is uncomfortable with the setting in which the conflict resolution is raised, change the setting.
E.Inappropriate conflict includes:
- Name calling
- Mind reading
- Inducing guilt
- Rejecting
- Sharing confidential information
F.Fair conflict always allows people who are charged with poor performance or inappropriate behavior to:
- Know who their accusers are
- Learn what their accusers’ concerns are
- Respond to those who accuse
VIIICalculating the Cost of Ineffective Conflict Resolution
A.Loss of Congregational Vitality
B.Loss of Integrity and Reputation in the Community
C.Evangelism Curtailed
D.Numeric Losses
E.Personal Losses
F.Ministry Strain
G.Program Curtailments
H.Financial Losses
I.Degraded Decision Making
J.Ministry Ineffectiveness
K.Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical Stress
L.Personal Regret
M.Conflict undermines the morale of the pastor.
N.Conflict undermines the morale of the church
O.Conflict affects the testimony of the church.
“Unresolved church conflict cost too much! The manners in which church leaders handle their differences today suggest what the church’s health, stability, and ministry effectiveness will be tomorrow.”
Glorify God
Believing that in all things we need to glorify God in all we do, I do hereby covenant to:
1.Strive earnestly, diligently, and continually to live at peace with those around me.
2.Remember that Jesus’ reputation is affected by the way I get along with others.
3.Guard against Satan’s schemes and false teachings, which are designed to promote selfishness and indicate conflict.
4.Trust that God is in control and working for my good and the good of others.
5.Give God praise and thanks for his goodness and his help.
6.Obey God’s commands even when doing so is difficult and requires sacrifice.
7.Use conflict as an opportunity to serve others by: helping them to find godly solutions to their problems; helping to bear their emotional, spiritual, or material burdens; helping them to see where they have been wrong and need to change; encouraging them to put their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; and teaching and encouraging them by your example.
8.Cooperate with God as he prunes me of sinful attitudes and habits, and helps me to grow to be more like Christ.
9.Se myself as a steward and managing myself, my resources, and my situation in such a way that God would say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
Signed: ______
Date: ______
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