Anne—
Looking at your workshop draft, my big reaction was that I didn’t really feel like the teachers you described, or at least what you described about the teachers did much to support your thesis. You tell me they are creative and passionate, but, really, I’m not getting that sense when I read your descriptions of them. This is especially true for the high school English Teacher and the College Comp teacher you had—you pretty much describe how a class would be run. I don’t see anything passionate or creative in either. Now, I believe you see it that way, but you’ve got to come up with better details than the ones you include here. The history professor example is more like it. There what I would suggest is explaining how his actions constitute passion. I know it may seem obvious, but there are all kinds of ways to be passionate. Dressing up is just one of them. It’s important to make these connections and show these details because your thesis is that it is passion that demonstrates great teaching, but the way you’ve described these teachers here you pretty much seem to be describing competent ones.
Jane—
I don’t have a problem with the twist at the end—that the teacher you despised actually is the teacher that taught you the most, but I feel like the moment of discovery goes by so fast that I entirely miss it. I had to go back and read the one small paragraph that says Stone taught you long division well. When I’m reading the essay, all I get from nearly the first three pages is how much you hated her. It feels really mean spirited. And because so little time is spent on recovering her reputation, it doesn’t really lesson the effect. So, in a revision, I would suggest toning down some of first part of the essay, and definitely making it shorter. A page will do. Spend more time on your realization that she was a good teacher. I think this will take some work, because I’m not sure that knowing long division is really the mark of an excellent teacher. She must have taught you something else—an approach to learning, an understanding that not everything is easy. That needs to be talked about. Spend more time, also, on your actual learning process. I don’t get how you went from hating it and crying next to Mrs. Rodriguez to knowing long division. Did you get tutoring after school from Stone? That’s not clear. I think that with some shifting of emphasis, this will be a strong piece.
Henry—
There is a lot to like about your draft, but, as I read, two main points stuck in my head, and they are my suggestions for where you might look to revise. One thing I thought about was how these two men, based solely on the description you’ve given me in the essay, could seem to be the same guy. I can see a less astute or interested student feeling like they were sort of the same sort of thing—at least at first appearance. So you might consider that in your essay. In what ways might these two teachers seem to be alike? And then the contrast between the two will feel all the more important. Another thing to think about is the fact that Cacace might have been some students dream teacher. Can you think why? And why wasn’t he for you? Which brings me to my second observation. I don’t know that you’ve given me much by way of example that helps me to see both how bad a teacher one of them is, and, especially, how good the other teacher is. I need for you not simply to tell me one is bad or good, but to show me. You have moments of this, but not enough. Additionally, I don’t know that I automatically think dressing up like Mao Tse Tung means you are a good teacher. It could mean you are a dip. So why was this so powerful? One last thing to think about is if you really need to be so mean to Cacace. I know it feels cathartic, but do you need to? I don’t know.
Elizabeth—
You ask the question on the back of your paper if you are too general in your essay because you do not talk about a specific teacher. I don’t know if your essay is too general because you don’t talk about a specific teacher or teachers, but it is too general because you don’t have any examples of actual good teachers. Your paper reads like an overview of what you think good teachers should be. The assignment was to analyze your experiences with teachers, classrooms, assignments you had as a student that made you think about what good teaching looked like. So, in a revision, I would consider mining your own experience to find concrete examples of some of the qualities you address broadly here. The other issue you might focus on in a revision is your organization. I feel like you’ve got three places where your paper might start. You’ve got your actual opening, then another one on page two, then another one on page three. Interspersed, you’ve got a lot of wind up and not a lot of pitch. What I mean is sort of what I addressed initially, you spend a lot of time telling me what you think a good teacher should be, but offer no examples of that in practice. I would consider looking at the two other places in your paper that might serve as an opening and see if that might help you both focus your paper, cut out some of the telling, and give you guidance on what to show.
Brandon—
I think this is a pretty strong draft with some very clean, sharp writing. I think you have a solid story going on and a clear point to telling that story. In a revision, I’d love to see two things developed. First, not all of your classmates are quite there yet, but you are ready to do more analysis of some of the story you are telling me. You describe your attitude your senior year of high school, and you are certainly not the only student to feel this way. You are a teacher now and you both see that this is still the case and probably have a better sense, even, of why it happens. So, early on in your paper, you might develop this attitude towards the classroom and position the possibility of having the kind of experience you eventually had as a counter to it. My second observation coincides with what you say about your own writing. You tell me that this teacher was important and made you care, but the story you tell is rather light on details of the man himself and what about his class particularly reached you. I’m tempted to say it was not the man at all but the subject matter. So in a revision it would be nice to see more information about what the man actually did and why it actually worked.
Thomas—
I suspect that you didn’t get a lot of feedback from your peers because your writing is so profoundly different from theirs—in the best way. You are a real and working writer, and many of them are still really student writers. I think that this is a beautifully written meditation on both your experiences as a student and your becoming a teacher. Thus, I don’t have a tremendous amount to say either. But if you are interested in revising, there are a few ideas that I think you could develop that might bring out the intentions of the piece a bit more clearly. What I feel like you are saying is that Lacasse was an excellent teacher because she treated her students like human beings and young adults, thought about who they were and where they wanted to go, and talked to them like real people, saying real things meant to get them there. I would like to have more about how she made this happen in a classroom. That is the only sort of example I feel is missing from the piece. You have your own experience of her doing this for you. And that works well, but I only know it as an isolated case. You are telling me that what you learned about teaching you learned from watching her teach a whole class—so how is your experience translated into a classroom of students? Capturing that detail, that story, that image, would enhance the back half of the essay. You might also consider having one paragraph that deals with your own self and situation when you are a student in Lacasse’s class. You’ve got your story spread out, and since it is not entirely the focus of the piece, it might work better frontloaded and then have Lacasse’s interventions take over. That’s just a thought. The movement of the piece works for me. Really lovely to read and to know that this teacher exists as well. Nice work.
Mary—
This was and is a pretty strong draft, and I don’t have a tremendous amount to say. My favorite part is still the first story about the Alligator. I think that you tell the story well and with nice detail. You avoid making Parry look like a stereotype of a shrewish, mean, school marm for the most part. And I think that you explain what happened there and the repercussions of the event in your academic life well. I do still struggle with the second half of the paper. The play story. There are a few reasons why. One, your title is about the Alligator story. So having the play story thrown in feels like an after thought. Also, in terms of transition, the last thing you say in the first half of the paper is about how kinder teachers helped move you past this experience. But the next story isn’t about that happening at all. No matter how nicely I (or I think you) want to read the story of the play, it comes off as a sort of hurtful experience for students on all levels. Now, I think you did learn a lot about the kind of teacher you want to be from this experience, but, in terms of the essay, I’m not sure you need it. I really would have preferred a story about a teacher helping you move past the alligator experience. But that’s a totally different essay than the one you’ve got here, which is very cleanly written and thoughtful.