Loni's Challenge -The Real Me
Loni lived with her mum and dad, her little brother, Jamal and Nana, her grandmother. Dad worked hard at the factory every day to provide for his family, but they didn't have much to spend after the bills were paid and the grocery shopping was done.
Loni loved her family, although Jamal could be a pain sometimes. She loved spending time with her nana, who was teaching her some of the traditions and crafts which had been part of their culture for hundreds of years. Nana was quiet and gentle and wise. Today, after school, she was going to teach Loni how to decorate her hair with beautiful bindis[1] at the Asian Centre.
Loni and Jamal arrived at school and joined their friends in the playground. Loni joined Caitlin, Jenny and Leona. Caitlin was busily scribbling in her homework book.
“Is this answer right? Is it?” she asked her friends. Leona and Jenny were chatting and laughing and they ignored her.
“Come on, girls!” Caitlin moaned. “You know Mrs Foster will kill me if I don't get this finished before we go into class. Is this the right answer or not?”
Loni looked over Caitlin's shoulder. “It's right, don't worry,” she said.
“Thanks, Loni;” sighed Caitlin. “You're really clever. I've noticed you in class and you always get your Maths right!”
Loni felt pleased and a little embarrassed.
“I'm not that clever;” she said. “It's just that my mum makes me work hard:”
“B-O-R-I-N-G!” said Caitlin. “I'd die if my mum started that. She thinks I'm doing my homework in my room, but I'd rather watch TV or play my DS. Why don't you come over today after school? Leona and Jenny are coming and we're going to tryout new hairstyles:”
“I don't think I can;” said Loni, “My Nana's going to teach me how to make bindis at the Asian Centre this afternoon:”
“Don't be such a nanny's girl;” jeered Caitlin.
She called to Jenny and Leona, “Hey girls, don't you think Loni should come over this afternoon? She says she can't come because she's afraid of her Nana! Imagine being afraid of your Nana!”
Loni was really embarrassed. She could feel her face getting red. She didn't know what to say to the girls. Then Jenny spoke.
“I don't know about you, Caitlin, but I keep well away from my nana. She's always telling me I shouldn't do this or I shouldn't do that. If she catches me messing about she gives me a real lecture! I'm not really afraid of her but I make sure I don't annoy her!”
She turned to Loni, “Why don't you tell your nana that you have a group project to work on with us? She'll never know.”
“I'm not afraid of my nana. It's just that I've never let her down before.”
“Ooooh!” said, Caitlin, “So you'd rather be with Nana. I did say you're a nanny's girl! Oh well, we'll be doing our hair anyway so you just go ahead and make your bindis with Nana!”
Loni was very confused. She really wanted to go to Caitlin's after school and to be in her group offriends. At the same time, she knew that Nana would be disappointed if she chose to spend time with her friends instead of learning about her culture with her.
She thought about her problem all day. At home time she still hadn't decided what to do. When she came out of the school, Nana was there, waiting for her. Loni spoke quickly.
“Nana, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you that I have to do some project work with a group in my class. I can't come to the centre with you today.”
Loni could tell that Nana was disappointed. She was sure that Nana would know that she was telling a lie. Now she felt guilty!
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Caitlin's bedroom was super. She had a TV and a computer in her room. The girls were listening to music while they played around with their hair and tried on clothes and jewellery.
“Come and sit at the mirror, Loni;” said Caitlin. “I'd like to do your hair like ours. That ponytail's really old fashioned:” Loni sat at the mirror. She didn't like Caitlin's remark about her hair. Her mum always kept her hair in a bun or ponytail because she liked Loni to look tidy.
“I don't know what my mum will say when she sees me,” she said as Caitlin started to curl her hair with tongs:
“Oh, just tell her you want a change,” answered Caitlin, “Mums don't know everything. By the way, do you think you could write my book report for tomorrow? My mum says she'll kill me if I hand it in late -again!”
“Well, I have to finish mine;” said Loni. “I can't write two reports. I won't have time.”
Caitlin raised her eyes at her two friends and sighed loudly.
“Loni,” she said, “That's what friends do for each other, just like I'm helping you to look good. How do you like your hair?”
Loni had to admit it. She did like the curls in her hair. She looked just like Caitlin, Jenny and Leona. The girls had fun playing with their hair and trying on jewellery. Caitlin even insisted that Loni borrow one of her tops.
When Loni arrived home to help make the dinner, mum looked hard at her hair. “What have you done to your lovely hair?” asked mum, “Indian girls don't have curls!”
“I like my hair like this,” answered Loni. She was feeling quite defensive. “AII the girls in my class wear curls in their hair. What's wrong with it?”
“I just think you should keep it tied back and tidy,” replied mum, “It's hanging over your pretty face! And where did you get that top? I don't remember buying that.”
“Oh mum;” said Loni, “Caitlin loaned me the top. Don't you like it? The girls said it looks cool on me and I think it's cool to curl your hair too!”
Nana, who had been listening quietly to the conversation while she set out the cups and saucers on the table said, “A person could get sick trying to be a cool dude!”
Loni and her mum laughed together. Trust Nana to say just the right thing. The laughter lifted the mood between them, which had become tense and uncomfortable while they were arguing.
“Seriously, Loni,” said mum,”I don't really like you going over to girls' houses when I don't know who they are. I don't want you to do that again.”
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After dinner Loni went to her room to do her homework. She was worried that she wouldn't have time to write Caitlin's report and do her own work. She knew that she shouldn't have agreed to do the work, but she didn't want to lose her friends.
She worked hard for over an hour and finished the report for Caitlin, but she couldn't get her own finished. She would have to try to finish it before class in the morning.
Caitlin and Loni met on the school steps. Caitlin copied Loni's report into her exercise book and Loni finished her own work in a rush.
“I've never handed work in late before,” said Loni.
“Well, it's nearly done now. Don't complain! Why don't you come over to my house this afternoon. We can have fun with Jenny and Leona again.”
“I don't know,” replied Loni. “I'll have to ask my mum.”
“B-O-R-I-N-G!” sneered Caitlin. Loni could feel herself tense inside. She didn’t like Caitlin sneering at her but she didn’t want to miss any of the fun the group always seemed to have.
She decided to phone her mum and tell her that she was working on the group project with some girls in her class. Mum and dad had bought her a mobile for emergency use only – so that she could let them know where she was if she was going to be late or if she needed them to come for her.
“Hi mum,” said Loni, keeping her voice cheerful and bright, even though she was feeling very guilty inside.
“Loni?” said mum, “Why are you calling? Are you Okay?”
“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” said Loni, “I just wanted to tell you I’ll be a little late today. I’m working on our group project with Mrs Foster for a while longer.”
“Well, as long as you’re with the teacher. Don’t stay too late. I don’t like you walking home alone.”
Loni could hear that her mum sounded worried. She realised that she was feeling guilty again.
“Working with Mrs Foster, huh? I didn’t think I’d ever hear you tell a lie to your mum. Everyone in the family says what a good girl you are.”
Loni jumped guiltily. She hadn’t seen her cousin Sarah standing right beside her.
“Sarah!” she gasped, “You gave me such a fright!”
“Why are you telling lies to your mum?” asked Sarah.
“I want to go over to Caitlin’s now and I know mum won’t let me. She doesn’t understand that I need to be with my friends.”
Sarah looked Loni straight in the eye. “She understands a lot more than you think,” she said. “She can see that your new friends are changing you. They’ve even changed your hair.”
“Don’t you like my hair?” asked Loni. She liked Sarah. Sarah was three years older than Loni and she always looked cool.
“It’s okay,” said Sarah, “It’s just very different for you. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is whether you like it or not.”
Loni thought for a moment. “It’s nice for a change. It’s a bit awkward in school because it keeps falling over my face, but I don’t want my friends to think I don’t like their style.”
“You should wear it the way that you want to. Your friends should understand that – if they’re really your friends.”
Loni was thinking about how she had already changed since Caitlin had become her friend. She was beginning to look different -with her clothes and her hair -and her school work was already being affected. She knew that her book report was rushed and not as good as it should have been and that Mrs Foster would be disappointed with it.
“I want them to be my friends. I just don't want to do everything they do.”
“You can't go around doing things because other people want you to and you can't change everything about yourself just to please your friends. You have be proud of who you are,” said Sarah, “If other people make it hard for you to be that person, they're not really your friends.”
Loni was thinking about how she had helped Caitlin cheat with her homework. She knew that it was wrong and that her mum would be really disappointed if she found out. She realised that she had been feeling uncomfortable about a number of things since she'd found her new friends.
“But I don't know how to do that!” sighed Loni. “I do like being Caitlin's friend, but I just don't know how to say no to her.”
“Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. If Caitlin wants you to do something that you're not comfortable with -like tell lies to your mum or cheat with your homework, tell her you promised you wouldn't and you don't break your promises.”
“She won't like that!” said Loni.
“Well, if she likes you for who you really are, she'll have to put up with it,” replied Sarah, “If she doesn't like it, than she's not really your friend -she's just using you!”
Sarah helped her to practise saying “No”. She suggested things to say, like, “I don't want to do that,” or “l would prefer to do this.” She said that if you practise saying things you find hard to say, it makes it easier when you're actually with your friends.
Loni thought about what Sarah had said. She realised that what she liked about Sarah was that she was sure about who she was and what she wanted to do. Sarah wouldn't let her friends make her do anything she was uncomfortable doing.
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The next day as Loni arrived at school, she was met by Caitlin, who greeted her with a big smile.
“Hi Loni,” said Caitlin, “You coming over again today? It's Maths homework tonight and I hate those horrible Maths problems we get every Thursday!”
“Caitlin,” said Loni, “We have to talk!”
© 2008 Carol A. Kusché, Ph.D. and MarkT. Greenberg, Ph.D. These materials are a cultural adaptation by Barnardo's of the PATHS· curriculum which is published distributed under licence from Mark Greenberg, Carol Kusché and Channing Bete Company, Inc.
[1]*A bindi is a colourful dot or droplet decoration worn on the forehead by women and girls throughout South Asia, specifically India, Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka and Pakistan. They can also be worn as hair decorations, placed along the line of the hair parting.