Intercultural Friendship: Unity in Diversity
By
KO Yee Ching Venus
I still remember one question from the pre-departure questionnaire that I filled out, asking how many intercultural friends I had in my life. It left me a question in my mind: Are intercultural friends quantifiable? Are they like bags of avocados that we could count in numbers?I thought to myself at that time: I had a pathetically small number of intercultural friends and I must make a lot of intercultural friends after this exchange. Before immersing in a foreign culture, you may have probably daydreamed about the cool, charming international friends you are going to meet while studying abroad. While the prospect of cultivating friendshipoverseas is truly rewarding, developing intercultural connection is not as easy as pie. Recalling some stories between me and the friends I met in University of Redlands, I hope to share some new insights that I gained on establishing intercultural friendship.
Stepping into LAX: Meeting my very first group of friends in Redlands
As the days of exchange were approaching, I felt more and more insecure. On one hand, I was truly eager to explore the new world, but on the other hand doubting my ability to make friends in a place where I knew nobody and nobody knew me.I still remember the fright and fear intertwined in my mind when it was time to enter the restricted area. I took one parting glance at Hong Kong, and my family and friends, for I would not come back for nine months.
After the 13-hours long flight,which was the longest I have ever taken in my life, I thought I would nearly collapse for I didnot sleep or eat well on the plane. I felt dizzy and wanted to vomit. The overwhelming sense of physical sickness and homesickness clouded a lot of myenthusiasm. Yet, when I first stepped out of the LAX airport, the global ambassadors from University of Redlands were already waiting for us outside Starbucks. They welcomedme and other international students with red balloons and the school logo on their hands. I immediately felt relieved, just like walking out from a dark cloud and having someone to rely on. We spent our first week of orientation together and they eagerly introduced the school environment to us and I gradually settled into my new home.
My first arrival at Grossmont Hall in the University of Redlands.
Catholic Newman Club: How action speaks louder than words
I first knew about the Catholic Newman Club in the orientation week as I was attracted by their poster and friendly staff promoting their club. Since then, we had regular Sunday masses and Tuesday meetings at school throughout this year. One most unforgettable experience between us was having a deep sharing night before the term ended. It was the end of the semester and some of the members were going to graduate. That was a night that started with prayers and songs. With the music and emotions fluttering in our hearts, we all cried at the end because of the departure that we were going to face. We held each other’s hands and hugged until the music slowly faded away. Words seemed trivial at that moment and silence has taken over the prayer room.
Despite the difference of our spoken mother languages, we gave each other strength by utilising our body language. We could feel the sincerity from each other’s hearts. As giving a hug is an universal way to communicate, non-verbal language can also send significant message to show a sign of support and encouragement. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, especially in America where people have a high-contact culture and encourage close interactions. I felt the warmth in their embraces that cut across cultural lines. The Catholic Newman Club was a place where I found spiritual connection with my intercultural friends and witnessed how small actions could dry our tears in moments of despair and frustration.
I went to retreat with my friends from the theCatholic Newman Club.
My Roommate: A local homestay experience
While we may all love a single room in a seaside apartment, overlooking the beach and stars at night alone, this luxurious lifestyle is probably not what you are going to get as an exchange student. Housed in dorms or apartments, we share a room with other students. However, this does not mean dormitory life is disappointing. We can take advantage of all the interesting people around and make friends within our dormitory. I cannot be more thankful to Tracy, my roommate who helped me a lot throughout this year. Having an athletic, sporty, outgoing, cheerful and humorous roommate like her was something like winning the lottery.
When Tracy invited me to her house in Pasadena during May Break, I was hesitant at first as I was afraid to bring her family inconvenience. Tracy reassured me and enthusiastically took me around. Pasadena is an area that I would probably overlook if I am travelling alone in California. People may prefer visiting famous big cities such as Los Angeles, San Francisco, Las Vegas than a quiet, small city like Pasadena. It is true that Pasadena is not a well-known tourist spot that appears on travel guide books, but it is now the most special place for me in the United States as Tracy has added tremendous value to it. We went hiking in Eaton Canyon near her house, dining in her favourite local restaurant in downtown Pasadena, ice-skating in the indoor skiing ring and playing in a Hong Kong version Jumpin Gym. They were very willing to share their stories to me and made me felt home away from home. Those two days of short stay allowed me to taste a local way of life and this home-staying experience was extremely valuable for me. Although the weather was still quite chilly in April, my heart was definitely warmed by her hospitality.
Tracy wrote to me in a farewell card with this Spanish proverb, “Mi casa estu casa”, which means “my house in also your house”. It is a saying that promotes the hospitality among people. I wish one day she can also come to my home in Hong Kong and I can warmly welcome her with the same line.
Tracy and I went to Eaton Canyon in Pasadena to hike in April
My experience with Japanese friends: A taste of Intercultural conflict:
While intercultural friendship can provide highly rewarding life experiences for us, they can also end up with cultural differences that lead to dissatisfaction. Conflict permeates all social relationships. The growth in intercultural contact means that the chances of misunderstandings between people also increase. As we bring with us diverse value assumptions, we have different expectations and communication norms about how people should behave in social circumstances. We may have different cultural patterns and even different interpretation towards friendship that shape our cultural lenses.
I could still recall a dining experience with my Japanese friends that was memorable for me as it involved some conflicts regarding cultural rules. I put my right hand on the plate and hid my left hand under the table and I hiccupped after finishing the meal. However, they saw these dining habits as extremely rude and impolite. They had to place their hands on the table to show respect and they did not produce any sound when chewing. One of them directly pointed out my mistake in front of me and other friends. Feeling embarrassed, I was quite pissed off for the whole dinner. I have always heard that Japanese had good mannerism and self-management, but I thought that there was no need to alternate my own habit for them as I was studying abroad in America. I should live in a truly Americanised way that no one could interfere me or change my lifestyle. I could not stop keeping a sulky face throughout the whole dinner.
After discussing this issue with my friends in Hong Kong, I felt that conflict arose due to a lack of intercultural awareness and I learnt the importance of conflict management from this experience. For instance, we can focus more on our common ground in order to reduce disagreement. There are different cultural norms and rules governing our daily behaviour as we come from different countries. There may be incompatibility between our values and expectations, but it is important to sustain a balance and peace in a relationship. Learning to appreciate others’ cultures and cultivate mutual respect is quite essential in establishing intercultural friendship.
Also, we can also develop a sense of empathy towards each other. Sometimes we may just focus on ourselves without seeing an issue from the perspective of the other party. Keeping an open mind during the exchange journey produces a more positive communication climate with intercultural friends. It is important to treat others like how we want to be treated. When we try to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we would like to be respected too. Therefore, some knowledge of cultural dimensions such as customs and practices allow us to act in a culturally appropriate way without insulting others.
Differences in dining habits can lead to intercultural conflicts.
Extending hospitality beyond geographical boundaries
One common worry among returning students concerns friendship extension beyond the exchange experience. It raises questions like how can we continue the friendship and utilise the experience to enrich our university life. The first and utmost important thing to do is to stay connected with the old friends made in the host country. “Keep in touch” is easier said than done, but it is a goal that we should all try to achieve if we really treasure the friendship. Internet has de-territorialize the social network by extending it into cyberspace. It does require a high level of engagement between the two parties, but I believe maintaining contact is not as difficult as we think with the help of social networking media like Instagram and Snapchat.
In addition to maintaining connection with old friends in the host countries, we can always play it forward. There are programmes in CUHK that aimat promoting cultural diversity such as the Host family programme, Princh, buddy programme etc. We could always extend our hospitality to people from the other parts of the world. By making use of our study abroad experience, we could help promote campus-wide cultural diversity and foster cultural exchange.
Intercultural friendship: A valuable gift for me this year
Meeting new people in a foreign land is a stimulating venture. It may seem to be an impossible endeavour at first as it requires us to step out of the comfort zone. However, I do believe that forging friendships across differing cultures can add dynamics to theexchange life, resulting in enriching colours in our palette of life.Establishing intercultural connections is about seeking unity and creating social bonds with people from different cultural backgrounds. When I look back to the question in the questionnaire, I find it not too important to care about the quantity of friends as intercultural friendship should be treated a gift which comes in many ways and forms. What counts in our study abroad experience is not going to be bounded by numbers, but by the quality of friendship and the memories with our friends that allow us to ponder over. The intercultural friendshipI have established this year melts my heart by having each human bean filling up the empty spaces in my heart. I am grateful indeed to enjoy vast opportunities this year to develop intercultural friendships that lasts a lifetime!
I am truly grateful that I have met so many friendly and sincere faces during my exchange period!
About the author
KO Yee Ching Venus is a 4th-year student majoring in English at CUHK. In the 2015-16 academicyear, she participated in a year-long exchange program at the University of Redlands, U.S.
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