Of Cannibals and Cabins

Inspired by the works of Chris Halverson, Jackson Abernathy, and Andrew Senesac

EXT. CABIN - DAY

We see a cabin it is small and green. Numerous police cars and official vehicles are everywhere.

INT. CABIN – CONT.

IAN PITT, a good looking officer sits with ORTON SMITH, a doctor from the mental house. Tied to a sofa is ADDIN, a boy. Addin has a crazed look to him.

ADDIN

WAZUP, BITCHES?

Then he sticks out his tongue.

Then Ian addresses him.

IAN

Addin, I’m Ian Pitt, and this is Dr. Orton

Smith, we need to talk with you. We’re

here to help you.

Then ADDIN smiles, and thinks to himself about having doggy-style sex with Amber, and her ass in the moonlight.

ADDIN

HaHa. Let’s get the party started!

Dr. Smith scowls and shakes his head back and forth.

Dr. Smith

What the Hell’s wrong with you, son?

We still see Addin and we hear him laughing.

IAN

Addin, you’re sick. We want to help you.

I just witnessed a most brutal piece of film

making…the TV pilot you shot with your

friends, and that goofy camera man wearing

that hat.

Addin sticks his tongue out again and rolls his eyes….he turns them directly on Ian and speaks.

ADDIN

That was some good shit, huh bitches?

Too bad I killed the camera man. Who the fuck.

are you though? Why should I listen to you?

Ian slaps Addin in the face, knocking him out. Dr. Smith pours water on him and he comes to.

IAN

Addin, my cousin was Elijah the hermit cannibal

who killed millions of people in Baltimore a few

years ago. He killed my goofy partner Brad and

hundreds of others close to me. He was also a

carnivore, like you.

Dr. Smith crunches down on a celery stalk. He passes Ian some green beans.

DR. SMITH

Addin, we are vegens. We don’t kill people

unless they are cannibals or other evil beings.

Carnivores eat meat and sometimes that meat

happens to be human meat.

ADDIN

My dick!

IAN

Huh? What about your dick?

ADDIN

My dick is human meat, bitches! I eat human

meat, but not dicks. I like when girl’s tits just

hang there…it’s sexy.

Dr. Smith electrocutes Addin, then throws more water on him to wake him up.

Dr. SMITH

You vile creature. If Elijah were still alive

he’d chop you up in millions of pieces and eat

you.

Ian restrains Orton and puts handcuffs and leg shackles on him. Then a big police dog strolls in and bites Addin’s foot.

ADDIN

Damnit! That hurts! I’ll cook that damn dog

up and eat him. I’m a carnivore and maybe a

cannibal also.

Ian kills the dog with a cross bow. The arrow goes into his mouth and out his anus. Dr. Smith throws up right in the camera.

A hand wipes off the lens. As the camera spins around, we see who’s holding it. It’s Addin’s camera man after all…he never did kill him. He winks at us and turns the camera back on Ian.

IAN

Everyone thought I was dead. No one knew

that Jackson Abernathy rewrote the ending.

I killed Elijah and saved thousands of people,

but I couldn’t save Helen.

Dr. Smith struggles against his shackles.

DR. SMITH

Yes, I thought you were dead. I need to make sure…

Dr. Smith pulls out doctor stuff and checks out Ian.

Dr. SMITH (CONT.)

By God, he is alive! I should know, I’m a

doctor.

Two OFFICERS enter the cabin, eating hoagies.

OFFICER # 1

Anyone want a hoagie in here?

All three guys eyes light up at the same moment.

EVERYONE

Yes! Please…we want hoagies!

IAN

Make them all vegetarian hoagies, though.

ADDIN

I want meat on my hoagie. Any meat…even

that dead dog’s meat.

Ian bitch slaps Addin in the neck.

Ian

No Addin! You are going to be a vegen from this

day forward. You must believe me. After I killed

the hermit cannibal Elijah, I glimpsed a horrible sight.

Three more cannibals in the tree above me. They

were like flying foxes or monkeys. They ate meat.

The vegetarian hoagies get passed around. Everyone has one except the camera man.

The camera man turns the camera on himself, and speaks to us.

CAMERA MAN

Please bring me a pastrami and liverwurst with

Extra onions and beets.

He winks and turns the camera back on Addin.

ADDIN

Why should I believe you? Why should I turn

myself into a vegan?

Dr. Smith eats his hoagie happily by throwing it in the air and catching it in his mouth. Ian opens a few beers and passes them around..

IAN

Addin, if you change your ways from being a

carnivore or cannibal, the TV station will air your

TV show, and you’ll be rich and famous. You can

have all the doggy style sex you want. We’ll all be

famous and we can hunt down the other cannibals

together.

Dr. Smith falls asleep and chokes on his hoagie and dies instantly. The camera man films this all in slow motion and adds a blurry filter to it also. It looks like a dream or something.

ADDIN

I guess I have to believe you because you are alive

like you said and you are a great force and a great

man too. I see the error of my ways.

He chomps down on the hoagie and smiles and winks at the camera.

ADDIN (CONT.)

This is actually a great hoagie. I don’t think I need to

eat meat anymore. Is it alright if I still harvest cocaine

in the fields and smoke it? I will only take a couple puffs.

The camera man now chews his meat hoagie like an wild animal eating a carcass.

Ian smiles and hugs and kisses Addin. He unties him and lets him stand up.

IAN

I knew I could save you and the world as well. I am

a great force as you correctly said. We will be rich and

famous now! Hooray! Argh…argh…woopee!

The same two officers come back inside and drag the dead dog and the dead Dr. Smith out of the cabin.

IAN (CONT.)

How did Dr. Smith die? I didn’t pay attention.

ADDIN

He choked on the vegetables. While he was asleep, I think.

IAN

That’s too bad. He wasn’t a great force like I am, though.

He was a quack who committed me to the looney bin for

no reason and caused the death of Helen and her two friends.

Addin picks up the cross bow and examines it.

ADDIN

Never seen one of these before. You are a good shot Ian.

IAN

Yes I am I learned from Elijah the hermit and cannibal

that killed Helen. I wanted to have sex with Helen she

was very young compared to me and she was killed

anyway. I never saw her breasts.

Addin fires the cross bow and it hits Ian in the neck. He runs around trying to pull it out as blood pours out of it.

ADDIN

WAZ UP, BITCHES?

IAN

No, it can’t be. I thought you were a vegan now?

ADDIN

I was for lunch but now I’m not. I’m going to make

my TV show anyway and tell the TV station that I am

a vegan and they will believe me when they see this

film. I will be famous and have sex often.

He winks at the camera man as Ian dies. The camera man spins the camera around to show his face, but we can’t really tell what he looks like because of the goofy hat he keeps wearing. But he looks kind of like a cannibal with no hair on his body. He winks and talks to us.

CAMERA MAN

Watch this, bitches…

He picks up Elijah’s giant axe and cuts off Addin’s head, which goes spinning like a ride at Disneyland or Six Flags.

The camera spins around again and we see his face talking.

CAMERA MAN (CONT.)

I’ll get all the money myself now. It was my

camera work the whole time. I’ll tell the TV

station that I am a vegan and love beets and

other vegetables. I’ll just edit out the pastrami

and liverwurst parts.

He winks and smiles and then shuts off the camera.

Everything goes BLACK.

CAMERA MAN (CONT.)

I want to see some tits just hanging there…

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. CABIN - NIGHT

CAMERA MAN

I was just fuckin with yea.

FADE OUT: