Of Cannibals and Cabins
Inspired by the works of Chris Halverson, Jackson Abernathy, and Andrew Senesac
EXT. CABIN - DAY
We see a cabin it is small and green. Numerous police cars and official vehicles are everywhere.
INT. CABIN – CONT.
IAN PITT, a good looking officer sits with ORTON SMITH, a doctor from the mental house. Tied to a sofa is ADDIN, a boy. Addin has a crazed look to him.
ADDIN
WAZUP, BITCHES?
Then he sticks out his tongue.
Then Ian addresses him.
IAN
Addin, I’m Ian Pitt, and this is Dr. Orton
Smith, we need to talk with you. We’re
here to help you.
Then ADDIN smiles, and thinks to himself about having doggy-style sex with Amber, and her ass in the moonlight.
ADDIN
HaHa. Let’s get the party started!
Dr. Smith scowls and shakes his head back and forth.
Dr. Smith
What the Hell’s wrong with you, son?
We still see Addin and we hear him laughing.
IAN
Addin, you’re sick. We want to help you.
I just witnessed a most brutal piece of film
making…the TV pilot you shot with your
friends, and that goofy camera man wearing
that hat.
Addin sticks his tongue out again and rolls his eyes….he turns them directly on Ian and speaks.
ADDIN
That was some good shit, huh bitches?
Too bad I killed the camera man. Who the fuck.
are you though? Why should I listen to you?
Ian slaps Addin in the face, knocking him out. Dr. Smith pours water on him and he comes to.
IAN
Addin, my cousin was Elijah the hermit cannibal
who killed millions of people in Baltimore a few
years ago. He killed my goofy partner Brad and
hundreds of others close to me. He was also a
carnivore, like you.
Dr. Smith crunches down on a celery stalk. He passes Ian some green beans.
DR. SMITH
Addin, we are vegens. We don’t kill people
unless they are cannibals or other evil beings.
Carnivores eat meat and sometimes that meat
happens to be human meat.
ADDIN
My dick!
IAN
Huh? What about your dick?
ADDIN
My dick is human meat, bitches! I eat human
meat, but not dicks. I like when girl’s tits just
hang there…it’s sexy.
Dr. Smith electrocutes Addin, then throws more water on him to wake him up.
Dr. SMITH
You vile creature. If Elijah were still alive
he’d chop you up in millions of pieces and eat
you.
Ian restrains Orton and puts handcuffs and leg shackles on him. Then a big police dog strolls in and bites Addin’s foot.
ADDIN
Damnit! That hurts! I’ll cook that damn dog
up and eat him. I’m a carnivore and maybe a
cannibal also.
Ian kills the dog with a cross bow. The arrow goes into his mouth and out his anus. Dr. Smith throws up right in the camera.
A hand wipes off the lens. As the camera spins around, we see who’s holding it. It’s Addin’s camera man after all…he never did kill him. He winks at us and turns the camera back on Ian.
IAN
Everyone thought I was dead. No one knew
that Jackson Abernathy rewrote the ending.
I killed Elijah and saved thousands of people,
but I couldn’t save Helen.
Dr. Smith struggles against his shackles.
DR. SMITH
Yes, I thought you were dead. I need to make sure…
Dr. Smith pulls out doctor stuff and checks out Ian.
Dr. SMITH (CONT.)
By God, he is alive! I should know, I’m a
doctor.
Two OFFICERS enter the cabin, eating hoagies.
OFFICER # 1
Anyone want a hoagie in here?
All three guys eyes light up at the same moment.
EVERYONE
Yes! Please…we want hoagies!
IAN
Make them all vegetarian hoagies, though.
ADDIN
I want meat on my hoagie. Any meat…even
that dead dog’s meat.
Ian bitch slaps Addin in the neck.
Ian
No Addin! You are going to be a vegen from this
day forward. You must believe me. After I killed
the hermit cannibal Elijah, I glimpsed a horrible sight.
Three more cannibals in the tree above me. They
were like flying foxes or monkeys. They ate meat.
The vegetarian hoagies get passed around. Everyone has one except the camera man.
The camera man turns the camera on himself, and speaks to us.
CAMERA MAN
Please bring me a pastrami and liverwurst with
Extra onions and beets.
He winks and turns the camera back on Addin.
ADDIN
Why should I believe you? Why should I turn
myself into a vegan?
Dr. Smith eats his hoagie happily by throwing it in the air and catching it in his mouth. Ian opens a few beers and passes them around..
IAN
Addin, if you change your ways from being a
carnivore or cannibal, the TV station will air your
TV show, and you’ll be rich and famous. You can
have all the doggy style sex you want. We’ll all be
famous and we can hunt down the other cannibals
together.
Dr. Smith falls asleep and chokes on his hoagie and dies instantly. The camera man films this all in slow motion and adds a blurry filter to it also. It looks like a dream or something.
ADDIN
I guess I have to believe you because you are alive
like you said and you are a great force and a great
man too. I see the error of my ways.
He chomps down on the hoagie and smiles and winks at the camera.
ADDIN (CONT.)
This is actually a great hoagie. I don’t think I need to
eat meat anymore. Is it alright if I still harvest cocaine
in the fields and smoke it? I will only take a couple puffs.
The camera man now chews his meat hoagie like an wild animal eating a carcass.
Ian smiles and hugs and kisses Addin. He unties him and lets him stand up.
IAN
I knew I could save you and the world as well. I am
a great force as you correctly said. We will be rich and
famous now! Hooray! Argh…argh…woopee!
The same two officers come back inside and drag the dead dog and the dead Dr. Smith out of the cabin.
IAN (CONT.)
How did Dr. Smith die? I didn’t pay attention.
ADDIN
He choked on the vegetables. While he was asleep, I think.
IAN
That’s too bad. He wasn’t a great force like I am, though.
He was a quack who committed me to the looney bin for
no reason and caused the death of Helen and her two friends.
Addin picks up the cross bow and examines it.
ADDIN
Never seen one of these before. You are a good shot Ian.
IAN
Yes I am I learned from Elijah the hermit and cannibal
that killed Helen. I wanted to have sex with Helen she
was very young compared to me and she was killed
anyway. I never saw her breasts.
Addin fires the cross bow and it hits Ian in the neck. He runs around trying to pull it out as blood pours out of it.
ADDIN
WAZ UP, BITCHES?
IAN
No, it can’t be. I thought you were a vegan now?
ADDIN
I was for lunch but now I’m not. I’m going to make
my TV show anyway and tell the TV station that I am
a vegan and they will believe me when they see this
film. I will be famous and have sex often.
He winks at the camera man as Ian dies. The camera man spins the camera around to show his face, but we can’t really tell what he looks like because of the goofy hat he keeps wearing. But he looks kind of like a cannibal with no hair on his body. He winks and talks to us.
CAMERA MAN
Watch this, bitches…
He picks up Elijah’s giant axe and cuts off Addin’s head, which goes spinning like a ride at Disneyland or Six Flags.
The camera spins around again and we see his face talking.
CAMERA MAN (CONT.)
I’ll get all the money myself now. It was my
camera work the whole time. I’ll tell the TV
station that I am a vegan and love beets and
other vegetables. I’ll just edit out the pastrami
and liverwurst parts.
He winks and smiles and then shuts off the camera.
Everything goes BLACK.
CAMERA MAN (CONT.)
I want to see some tits just hanging there…
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. CABIN - NIGHT
CAMERA MAN
I was just fuckin with yea.
FADE OUT: