IF YOU FIND YOURSELF ATTRACTED TO THE INSTRUCTOR OR ANOTHER STUDENT
This advice is for students and teachers who work together on a regular (weekly or more) basis, and not for yoga teachers and students who meet in a weekend workshop, or other situation where there is more independence. It is to ensure that there is a respect granted to a teacher for their teachings in the classroom, respect and care for a student who may be more emotionally vulnerable with the healing and opening that occurs in yoga class, and mutual respect on an equal footing in relationships outside the classroom. The world of Yoga tries to avoid abuse of power in any circumstance, and create a safe sacred environment for the practice of yoga.
Why do crushes in class happen? Most teachers, whether high school, college, aerobics, music, art, or yoga will find that students occasionally develop a "crush" on them. Most yoga instructors will not respond to this. We are careful about ethics and creating a sacred environment for students. Yoga opens up a whole new experience of the body and emotions, and a Yoga Teacher holds space for students to safely and comfortably explore this internally. Sometimes Sexual Energy is raised in yoga practice - this is your Shiva/Shakti dance, and as a student, one is encouraged to learn to channel this energy inward for deeper growth. In most cases, the student is attracted to the situation, NOT the individual instructor. Students can develop crushes on a romanticized image of their instructor - without actually knowing ANYTHING about the instructor as a person. Often, when a student is working out different internal issues, attention is focused on another person, or a situation, as "entertainment." This provides some relief from the deeper issues, asenergy and focus are transferred outward.
The Teacher/Student dynamic can be powerful, and teachers are aware of this. A knowledgeable yoga instructor will create a safe environment for students to explore their feelings, romantic and otherwise, without judging or interfering in a student's internal process. Teachers will not judge your emotions, or treat you any differently if you have a crush, a resentment, a competitive feeling, anger, or grief. We (yoga teachers) will simply hold the space for students to explore emotions, and wait for students to come to terms with them. If you need help, you can talk to your instructor, who may be able to offer some guidance. Your instructor is not a therapist, but can often offer tools and techniques of self-exploration from Eastern Philosophy. Most yoga instructors also receive training in just being a compassionate and open listener, and will keep your conversations private.
Most yoga teachers do not bring sexual energy into the class - we provide physical assists, and emotional support for students to explore their own natures. mixing in humor, philosophy, lending our strength and our love to provide a nurturing environment. This is not to be misconstrued. We give of ourselves to create a safe space for you, in which you can open up to explore your internal world.
Basic Need for Touch: Physical assists are commonplace in yoga, as teachers support you and guide you in the asanas. If you have little physical contact in your life, your crush may simply be a reaction to touch. Perhaps you can find a way of incorporating more physical touch into your life outside of class, so you can fulfill the basic physiological need for contact. In appropriate circumstances, using sensitivity to avoid Sexual Discrimination issues, you can exchange hugs with friends, massages with partners or go get a good deep massage from a massage therapist. Give YOURSELF more hugs as well! It is very healthy for you! In this way, your basic needs for touch will be filled in a satisfying way outside of yoga class, which will allow you to focus on your yoga practice in class.
What to do: If you are distracted by your attraction to a fellow student, or, more commonly, students develops a crush on the yoga teacher, channel your sexual or romantic energy BACK INTO YOURSELF! You are tapping into a tremendous source of creative energy and power within you. Sexual energy is just one expression of this life energy, which you are scattering by directing it towards another. If you are able to harness this energy, you will deepen your own yoga practice, and learn more about yourself. In ashrams and spiritual communities, most new residents are asked to practice FULL Brahmacharya (celibacy and restraint on many levels) for a full year. This removes the sexual aspect from our interactions with others, and soon you see beauty and feel love for all the wonderful souls you meet, rather than basing interactions on at least a small level of sexual interest. It can be a powerful tool.
Talk to your teacher for help with crushes on fellow students. Your teacher may be able to position you in the room so that you are less aware of the other person, and are less distracted.
If it runs deep: OCCASIONALLY, the "crush" does not subside. You may have a true attracted to the person, not the situation or role they fulfill in the classroom. Again, try to channel your energy into your own yoga practice, and see how it feels.
If this is not sufficient,examine and confront your feelings. Explore them without judgment, with absolute honesty, so you can see their true nature. Perhaps your current relationship is not satisfying you completely, so you are focusing on "a way out" of it by fantasizing about another person, rather than doing the uncomfortable work of analyzing and changing your current relationship. Perhaps you enjoy romanticizing unavailable people - explore why you are not developing a relationship with a flesh and blood real person, and learn about yourself. You can use your experience with the "crush" to search yourself deeply and see if there is an underlying issue that is manifesting itself with this kind of energy.
Try to picture your teacher doing everyday activities outside of the classroom - going grocery shopping, washing dishes, stopping at the gas station and notice how you feel about them in these non-classroom environments. If you find that after this work on yourself, you are truly drawn to your yoga teacher or classmate - to who they are as a unique individual OUT of the classroom, you need to make some decisions. If the crush is distracting you from going deep within yourself - if you find your energy or attention focused outward onto that person while you are in class, you need to find a new yoga class. You may wish to honestly let the instructor know how you feel. Most instructors have had some experience with this situation - and while the attention is flattering, a good instructor will be compassionate towards you and help recommend another yoga class.
The Yoga Community recognizes Yoga class as a deeply spiritual practice, where students are vulnerable as they explore tender emotions and psychological issues. The environment is one of safety and trust.THIS is why one must proceed with caution, to protect the yoga teacher and the student. The Yoga instructor tries to ensure that they are not taking unfair advantage of the vulnerable emotions of the student that may have arisen in class. However, sometimes the universe brings people together for a reason. If the feeling between teacher and student is reciprocal, it is recommended that the student/teacher relationship ceases, and platonic friendship is explored for several months, to see if the emotions subside in a non-classroom environment. If the emotions and attraction are still strong, you may choose to pursue this avenue. This may be a reciprocal attraction of two souls, but it is recommended that you discuss this and consciously decide how to proceed. The Yoga Instructor involved is advised to contact their Yoga Teacher Association for some guidance before proceeding in a relationship with a student or former student, to ensure ethical conduct guidelines are followed. I have gone through this process myself, and those who help guide yoga teachers are knowledgeable and can provide firm and honest guidance.
When it feels like the real deal: Occasionally, an instructor may develop personal friendships with students, due to similar interests. Then the relationship may change, since a friendship implies equal footing. Sometimes, friendships develop into romantic relationships. If this is the case, then the instructor must agree to follow the basic guidelines of the Yamas and Niyamas, as outlined by the Iyengar Association of America. The Iyengar Instructors, and instructors from all lineages, as not forbidden from interaction with students. The associations have recommended guidelines to ensure that no instructor takes advantage of a student exploring fragile areas of their emotions, and that no misuse of authority in the classroom or coercion are used. For example, on well respected guru was severely reprimanded by his peers for telling an 18 year old female devotee that she should have tantric sexual intercourse with him in order to expedite her path towards enlightenment. This type of behavior is not condoned by any yoga organization. However, it is acknowledged that friendships and love DO sometimes develop between instructors and students, and caution is recommended, just to ensure mutual respect and equal footing. If the instructor is a student's spiritual guide, then no romantic relationship seems appropriate, since there is no equal footing in that situation. If the student and teacher are friends outside the classroom as well, and relationships develop, that happens - many such relationships exist within the yoga community - Rodney Yee and his wife Donna Fone, Beryl Bender Birch and Thom Birch (Beryl was, and is, Thom's teacher), Baron Baptiste was his wife's yoga teacher, etc. At a recent yoga workshop I attended at Kripalu, a full 10% of the Teachers there were in a life-partnership with either their own former teacher or with a former student. I find that to be the case throughout the yoga community. We share a deep interest. There are many cases of teacher/student relationships that are healthy, and there are some that are not. Care must be used, and the yamas and niyamas follow to ensure equal respect. Teachers need to examine their own motives, and also be very respectful and mindful of any fragility in a student, for a stable, healthy personal interaction of any type.
Not all Yoga Teachers follow the same guidelines; Don't expect that all yoga teachers follow the same guidelines. In the yoga community, there have been several very highly visible cases of sexual misconduct. These incidences occur. To avoid any such problems, the California Yoga Teacher's Association prohibits ANY personal relationships between students and teacher outside of the classroom - no friendships, no business relationships outside of class, just a clean and simple student/teacher relationship and nothing more. This is a very strict standard designed to protect teachers and students, and frankly, many instructors do not follow it too well. Many instructors become friends with students who share the love of yoga. Most yoga teacher organizations recommend mindfulness, following the yamas and niyamas, and being careful to analyze our own motives before any involvement with a student.
For more information, you may wish to read "Authority versus Authoritarianism" by Joel Kramer, one of the most respect yoga teacher in the last 2 decades.
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