I Was Saved from Making Major Errors by a Good Friend Who Worked for a Lawyer. She Advised

In a past issue of Modern Maturity, I was struck with the advice that "widows must take time over decisions". If my years as a widow can help even one other person retain sanity, solvency and good spirits, I'd like to help.

I was saved from making major errors by a good friend who worked for a lawyer. She advised me when I was widowed that I should postpone making any major changes in my lifestyle for at least a year. And, I owe her much for this advice.

My children were super -- honest and caring. But I shudder to think where (or what) I would be now had I taken their advice.

"Sell your house and rent an apartment". "Sell your house and move in with me." I was so bewildered (my husband's death was sudden) that I didn't know which way to go. Thanks to my friend's advice, I did nothing.

If I had sold my house, the money would have gone toward apartment rent that, with inflation, would have far exceeded the mortgage payments I make now. If I had moved in with my son, who had three darling children at the time, I'd either have gone berserk or we might have established lasting enmity. The kids are in their teens now and the house is full.

Dad can yell, "Turn off the noise!" but Grandma can't (or shouldn't). Mother can say, "You shouldn't wear so much makeup!" but if Grandma does, she's called an old fogy – and perhaps she is.

I repeat: don't make decisions for at least a year.

Your husband probably had "his" chair in the living room or den. It's hard to look at now. Rearrange the furniture, then you sit in the chair. It's probably the most comfortable one in the house anyway, and you won't envision him in it every time you look up.

If sitting at the dining table alone brings on a crying spell, find a small table, put it in a pleasant spot, and serve your meals there. Prepare real meals. No snacks, no "just a bit of toast and tea" – or your children will have to take over. If you're used to making meat and potatoes or the "same old thing", try some gourmet recipes. They're surprisingly cheap if you use the right ones, and their preparation will take up a lot of your empty time. If you have too much after you've cut down the recipe, eat what you can and freeze the rest; better yet, call a friend in for lunch.

Of course, everyone by now has told you to find an outside interest. The one in which I found my greatest rewards, most freedom and reasonable wage (since I'm not inclined to work for a charity) is babysitting. Try it, if you like children at all. I personally have sat for a family of four boys – the oldest is now 24 – and feel like one of the family.

All in all, I now have a very full and rewarding life.

If I had turned my finances over to my son – as many suggested at my husband's death – I would have had to ask him every time I wanted to take a trip, go to a play, or buy a car. He wouldn't necessarily have said "No". If my whim were to buy a sports car, to have my son say, “at your age?" would have taken a lot of joy out of a life I've handled well since my husband's death.

I'm my own woman now and I hope the day never comes when I have to lose my independence. Again, I say thanks to my friend for her good advice.

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BrvMailings/Doc 19 (8 mos)

7/2011 rc