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How to Help you and your Child Manage Change and Transition

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Children’s Services

Community Child & Adolescent Psychology Service

3rd Floor, Northern Health Centre

580 Holloway Road

London N7 6LB

Tel: 020 7445 8150

Fax: 020 7445 8153

This leaflet is designed to help parents prepare their children for common changes and transitions in life, such as going to nursery or the arrival of a new brother or sister. It describes the normal responses of parents and children to these changes; gives ideas for you to help your child manage these changes; and helps you to identify when your child and you may benefit from some additional help with managing these changes.

What is a transition?

Transitions occur throughout life. Transitions can involve both physical change, such as moving house, or emotional change such as divorce or bereavement. Below are some examples of common transitions in the lives of 0-5 year olds and their families:

  • birth
  • weaning, moving from breast feeding or bottle feeding onto solids
  • going to a child minder, nursery or school
  • parents return to work
  • change of carers
  • birth of a brother or sister
  • parental separation and divorce
  • environmental transitions such as moving house or moving to another country
  • death of family member

All transitions can be difficult for families to negotiate, even positive transitions that you are looking forward to, such as moving house. They can be difficult because they involve change. For example when a new baby is born this creates new roles in the family, such as becoming parents, or for the older brother or sister they are no longer the baby of the family.

It is normal for both children and parents to experience a degree of distress or anxiety at these times of change. The distress you experience will be greater when the changes are more unexpected or sad, such a death in the family or parental separation or divorce.

Difficulties with change can also arise when adults and children have had previous negative experiences of change. These transitions and changes in your family’s life may remind you or your children of past changes. We all have memories like video libraries. When something happens to us it may remind us of a similar time in our lives before and we may play our memories of this time in our mind. If you have positive memories about previous transitions you are more likely to feel positive about the changes that are currently happening.

What might you be experiencing as parents?

During times of transition parents may:

  • Be snappy or on a shorter fuse than usual
  • Feel down or tearful
  • Have disturbed sleep
  • Want to keep their child close
  • Feel that you or your child are not coping very well with things
  • May find it hard to deal with their child’s feelings about the change because of how they feel themselves

Parents have told us they have had the following thoughts and feelings when their child was starting school or nursery.

  • Sadness about their child growing up and moving onto the next stage of theirlives
  • Anxiety about whether a new school or teacher is best for their child
  • Concerns about how their child will manage their own fears
  • Uncertainty regarding their role as a parent and how a new school viewsparental involvement
  • Awareness that their child is growing up
  • Thinking about a new stage in life for themselves and their child

Parents’ own feelings about the transition will influence how they handle the change and also how their child feels about it. For example, sometimes, parents can be reminded of bad times they had at school, such as finding the work hard or even being bullied. This can make it harder for parents to be positive about their child starting school. If your fears are shared with the child, the child will feel more nervous.

What might your child be experiencing?

It is important to remember that children, especially younger children, often don’t use words to express how they’re feeling, but show us how they are feeling through their behaviour.

For children, a normal reaction to change may show itself by:

  • Your child being clingier than usual, for example crying when you go out of the room, wanting you to go everywhere with them
  • Disturbed sleep: difficulty settling, nightmares, early waking.
  • Temporary regression, for example a toilet-trained child may start wetting themselves, or your child may want to be ‘babied’
  • Mild aggression, such as hitting or kicking more often than usual
  • Mild hostility, such as coldness towards or ignoring of parent, carer, brother or sister or strangers
  • Being quieter than usual
  • Having trouble concentrating
  • Complain of tummy aches or headaches

Like adults, children can also have mixed feelings about change, for example feeling pleased about a new, nicer house, but sad about leaving the neighbourhood and old friends. They may be pleased to have a new baby brother or sister but in reality they may resent the loss of attention. They may be excited about growing up and going to school, but feel nervous about the unknown and sad at leaving the safety of nursery. They can feel sadness or loss about the change, and can be scared of something unfamiliar.

But these feelings and reactions don’t usually last very long and often resolve once the family has adjusted to the new situation.

Changes and transitions that are more likely to lead to a more severe, prolonged or intense reaction in children are:

  • Those which are unplanned, for example unexpected or sudden changes such as bereavements or illnesses
  • When something unexpected happens during the transition, for example when a child has an unpleasant experience in the first week of school
  • When more than one change happens at around the same time, for example a divorce, a house move and a new school
  • If previous changes have been difficult
  • When children or parents have unexpected feelings and reactions. For example, parents may have expected the child to have a positive reaction to the change, such as the birth of a brother or sister, and so parents may then be shocked and upset when their child does not react well to the change. Or parents may have expected that they themselves would feel a certain way about the change, and then be upset to find they feel differently. For example on the birth of a second child parents may feel upset and guilty that they feel irritated by the older brother or sister, or they may feel worried that they are finding it hard to bond with a new baby

Separation Anxiety

Sometimes, these normal reactions to change can develop into something more severe. When the reaction is at times of the child leaving their parent or carer this is called ‘Separation Anxiety’. The behaviour shown by a child with separation anxiety is similar to that shown by children as a normal response to changes, but in this case the behaviour is more severe, lasts longer and may interfere with normal everyday life and day to day functioning.

Children with separation anxiety are usually very scared about being left without their parents or carers. They have unrealistic fears that harm will come to them or their family when they are not together. Or they may be worried that their parent will not come back.

Overtime, if your child’s anxiety does not decrease their fear of school may result in them refusing to go to school. This leaflet lists lots of ways of supporting your child to avoid this. If however you find this happening you can get help by talking with the school and you can also make an appointment with the Community Child Psychology Service. Our contact number is on the front of this leaflet.

Ideas you can use to support you and your child through times of change

General ideas

  1. Start early; you can never begin preparing for a transition too soon.
  2. Anticipate possible trouble spots and plan what to do if problems occur.
  3. Be aware of your own feelings about the separation and talk them through with a friend/ partner.
  4. Expect the transition to be successful - if you are positive and confident it will help your child to be too. But remember that adjustments take time.
  5. Try to be extra available to your child during the transition period.
  6. Let your child express negative feelings, listen and take them seriously even if they sound minor to you.
  7. Talk to your child about what is going to happen.
  8. Think about previous separations that you have had that have gone well.
  9. What did you do on these occasions to prepare? What could you do again this time?
  10. Think about your child having a video library in their head of the times that they have separated from you before – if they have positive memories these will help them to manage separations in the future.
  11. You can get books such as “Spot’s New Sister”, which can help with transitions such as a new brother or sister.
  12. If possible, avoid too many changes at the same time. For example, if possible do not move house at the same time that you are having another child or your child is going to nursery.

Preparation for School/Nursery

  1. Share ideas that have worked for you with your child's teacher e.g. behaviour management strategies, likes and dislikes
  2. Ask your child's teacher if your child can bring a comfort item from home during the transition period e.g. a favourite toy
  3. When starting school or nursery: Visit the child's nursery/ school with them. Practice the journey and talk about what school will be like.
  4. Let your child know it is normal to feel apprehensive and share childhood memories of when you started somewhere new and it was ok
  5. Leave enough time to get to school so that you and your child don’t feel rushed
  6. If you think it would help, ask if it is possible to stay with your child for the

first few days, gradually withdrawing the amount of time you spend there

  1. Share your ideas about how to support your child with staff members, for example how they like to be comforted, is there a type of toy they may particularly like in nursery
  2. Think about the positive side of transition to school/nursery, for example

being able to have some time to yourself. For your child they will be meeting

other children and have access to a wide range of activities which they may

not be able to do at home

  1. Try and put on a brave face for your child, even if you cry as soon as you leave the nursery/school. Your child will feel happier leaving you if they can see that you are happy as they will not worry about you
  2. Practice leaving your child with a friend so that when they go to nursery it is not the first time they have been without you
  3. When you get to nursery, you can try settling your child with their favourite nursery toy
  4. Always say “goodbye” to your child. At first this may mean that they are upset when you leave, however in the future it will mean that your child feels safer because they know you are not going to disappear without warning
  5. Once you have left your child, go and do something you can not normally do

with your child, such as going for a coffee or reading the paper – even if it is only for 15 minutes

  1. Be aware that yours child’s transitions may remind you of your own feelings when going through the same transition. For example “will I make new friends?”, “how will I find my way around?”

Some ideas to help you and your child manage unexpected changes

Sometimes changes and separations are unexpected and it is not possible to prepare for them. For example, in the cases of sudden parental separation, suddenly having to move house or change schools, or if there is a family bereavement. There are still things you can do to make the transition easier for your child.

  1. Do your best to maintain a normal routine for your child so that life feels predictable and therefore safe
  2. Keep as many things as possible familiar
  3. Inform your child's teacher or other carers, such as a childminder, about the

change

  1. Let your child express their feelings and, as before, listen and take them seriously, and suggest coping strategies
  2. Talk to your child about what has happened and what life will be like now. If possible, look at photos for example of your old and new home or for a

bereavement, photo’s of the person who has died

  1. Give your child extra time with you. Play with them and praise them. If you are not able to do this then find another familiar person who can
  2. Managing your child is likely to be harder if you are upset or angry about what has happened. In these situations you will need someone to support you with your feelings, as well as a friend or family member to help you with your child

Getting extra help

If you think that you or your child is overly stressed or unable to manage then seek help. If your child is at school you could start with talking your concerns through with the child's teacher. You can also seek help from other professionals, such as from the Community Child Psychology Service. Our contact details are on the front of this leaflet and we can give you more information about your nearest clinic.