MARRIAGE IN THE LORD
David M Pearce
Marriage is a wonderful institution. It comes from God himself, for God arranged the very first marriage in the Garden of Eden, and laid down the rules for all subsequent ones. Sadly, in our day this beautiful relationship, ordained by God for human happiness, is being attacked on all sides. People ‘live together’ without getting married. Marriages split up through divorce. Films, novels and newspapers assume that it is ‘normal’ to have an affair and commit adultery. The result is broken hearts and broken homes, loneliness, financial difficulties and weeping children. If you are a young disciple of the Lord, it is important to understand the principles of Bible marriage before you commit yourself, for marriage in God’s eyes is for life. You need to think through the roles and responsibilities that lie ahead, and learn how to create a strong and lasting bond that will take you through the trials and tests ahead, united and secure in each other’s love.
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE?
When God made the living creatures, they were all in pairs, male and female, except for Adam, who was created alone. In Genesis 2 v18 God observed ‘it is not good that man should be alone’, and he provided Adam with a companion. Here we have the key to the primary purpose of marriage. It is to provide companionship. Eve was not just another man, a duplicate of Adam. She was specially designed as ‘a helper suitable for him’. She was to provide qualities which would complement the man’s, so that together they would make a strong and practical partnership. Straight away, we see how the spirit of our age has spoiled this relationship. It tries to make women and men interchangeable, with the same opportunities. There must, it decrees, be no discrimination. Yet God’s arrangement was balanced. The softer qualities of the woman – her maternal instincts, geared to caring for children, her dexterity in spinning, sewing, and weaving, her patience, sympathy and affection, all match the virile characteristics of the man – physically stronger, organising, planning ahead, hunting and cultivating the soil, solving problems, and protecting and defending his family.
The second purpose of marriage is stated in ch 1, where God says to the human pair in v28 that they should ‘be fruitful and multiply’. Marriage provides a stable and secure background for the rearing and training of children. We shall need to return to this topic later.
TWO BECOME ONE FLESH
Uniquely, Eve was created, not from the dust, but from Adam’s own body. So she and he had a closeness that was much greater than any of the other animal pairs. She was literally Adam’s flesh. When they were joined together in marriage, the two halves became one again in the perfect partnership, and Adam declares this when in Genesis 2 v23 he declares Eve to be ‘bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh’. What is particularly interesting is the next verse, v24. At a quick glance you might think this was spoken by Adam, like v 23. But at the time when Adam made his declaration, there were no fathers or mothers to leave behind. In fact, Jesus tells us in Matthew 19 v4 and 5 that it was God himself who made this pronouncement. God was looking ahead to all future marriages, and saying that in these marriages too, in some mystical way, there would be an affinity between the two partners, which would come to resemble the unity between Adam and Eve. It is on how to foster that bond that we must focus our attention.
PRE- MARITAL SEX IS WRONG
Many young people nowadays fall in love, and then move in to live in the same rooms. They go to bed together, and frequently have children in this relationship.
It has to be said that this arrangement has no parallel in Bible times. Down through thousands of years of human history, people would never openly go to bed together until they were legally married. Jacob, for example, fell in love with Rachel, but he waited seven years until he had finished paying his dowry to Laban before he “went in” unto his beloved. In Israel in Old Testament times, premarital sex (going to bed with someone before you were legally married) was treated as seriously as adultery (sexual relations with a married person who is not your partner). Both were punishable with death! For example, when Shechem went to bed with Dinah their sister, her brothers insisted “He had done a disgraceful thing in Israel...which ought not to be done” (Genesis 34 v7), and they killed him. Under the Law of Moses, if a young man found his bride was not a virgin, she could be executed (Deuteronomy 22 v14, 20,21). The New Testament says the same. It calls sex before marriage ‘fornication’, and warns that God will judge both the fornicator and the adulterer (Hebrews 13 v4). Both sins, if unrepented of, Paul says will exclude us from the Kingdom of God (e.g., 1 Corinthians 6 v9, 10).
This condemnation of pre-marital sex may come as a surprise, if you have grown up in recent years. A great loosening of moral standards came about in the 1960’s, a period when rules and laws were being widely challenged. People were no longer afraid of the judgement of God. At the same time easily available contraceptives (the Pill) made it possible to have sex without having children, and a wave of promiscuous behaviour swept through society. Its mores were changed, probably for ever until the coming of Christ. The pursuit of Bible-forbidden sex has brought in its train a wave of sexually transmitted diseases. Sadly, ours has become “an adulterous and sinful generation”. But it is not just unwanted babies that make sexual relations outside marriage wrong for believers. As we shall see, it is the whole principle of two people becoming one flesh, as a permanent, secure foundation for life-long companionship in the Lord. If we want to please our Heavenly Father we will be different to other people, and keep ourselves virgins until we are married.
WHEN ARE WE TRULY ‘MARRIED’?
But, you may argue, could we not say that people who live together for years are effectively “married”? Indeed, some people claim that the act of intercourse itself constitutes marriage. What does the Bible say about this? Well, here is an example. The Samaritan woman who spoke to Jesus at the well was living with a man, but she insisted she had no husband. Jesus agreed. “Thou hast well said ‘I have no husband’”, he said. So in his view she was not “married” to the man she was living with. “He whom thou now hast is not thy husband,” he declared (John 4 v16-18). So, just living together is not the definition of being ‘married’. What, then, actually makes the difference between a married and an unmarried couple?
THE MARRIAGE VOW IS CRUCIAL
The Bible answer is that the essential ingredient of a marriage is the marriage vow, an oath made by both parties, normally taken in public, that they will stay together for life. This vow is considered so solemn that in the Bible it is often referred to as a covenant, the most binding of all agreements. It was taken before witnesses, so that there would be no argument afterwards that the agreement had been made, and in Jewish (and New Testament) weddings there was normally a written contract, too.
Let us look for examples of weddings in the Bible. The very first, indeed the archetypal wedding, is the one where Adam declared, before the angels, that Eve was to be his partner. From that day, as in our own weddings, Eve took his name, just as a bride today takes her husband’s name. “She shall be called ‘Wo-man’”, he said (Genesis 2 v23).
God speaks of his covenant with Israel at Mount Sinai as a symbolic marriage; he spread his wing over her, he said (just as a Jewish bridegroom does today, spreading his shawl over his bride). They were bound to each other for ever (Ezekiel 16 v8, 59). He would be their God, and they would be his people.
The fullest description we have of a Bible wedding is the taking of Ruth by Boaz. He calls together 10 witnesses (Ruth 4 v2). He makes a public declaration that he is taking her to be his wife (v10). The people of the city then bless the bride and bridegroom, wishing them a happy and fruitful marriage (v11). After that Boaz was free to have sexual relations with the maiden (v13).
Once we have made our vows, and the marriage bond has begun, there can be no going back. If we are believers, we cannot just ‘try out’ living with someone, and leave them after a few years because we are bored, or have found someone we like better. Jesus says ‘What God has joined together, let not man separate’ (Matthew 19 v6). Our marriage vow ‘joins us together’ in the sight of God, and he expects us to keep our promise, as he always keeps his promises. So we must think very carefully before we embark on marriage. It is not a casual relationship. We must be absolutely sure we have found the right person with whom to spend the rest of our mortal life.
‘BETROTHAL’ IN BIBLE TIMES
In Bible times, the first stage in a marriage was the betrothal, a period of preparation during which the couple had agreed to get married, but had not yet taken their vows. It was a period of adjustment, of testing fidelity, and of organising somewhere to live. Is important to note that in this period the betrothed had no sexual relationship. They were expected to remain virgins. That is why Joseph was so upset when he discovered Mary was “with child” (Matthew 1v18). We ourselves are in exactly this position, spiritually speaking, as the future bride of Christ. We have been ‘espoused to one husband’, Paul says, so that we may be presented “as a chaste virgin to Christ” (2 Corinthians 11v2). The wedding will take place when our bridegroom returns.
The modern Western concept of being “engaged” is similar to the Bible betrothal, but there is a difference. It is not legally binding on the couple, and although upsetting, there is no stigma attached if they decide to “break it off”.
FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNER
Since Bible marriage is for life, we need to be absolutely sure we are yoking ourselves to the right person. Sadly, there is a true saying - ‘love is blind’, and in the heady passion of falling in love, we may lose our normal good sense of realistic judgement.
How does the Bible help us find the ideal partner? One thing becomes plain from the very beginning. If a marriage is to be happy, a believer must only marry a believer. Any compromise on this issue will result in a tension in the marriage, and will make it difficult for the believing partner to remain faithful to the Lord. Some examples. Right back in Genesis ch 6 we have the sad story of the ‘sons of God’ marrying ‘the daughters of men’. It does not take a lot of imagination to see that the sons of God are the descendants of Seth in ch 5, the faithful few who, when men were worshipping many gods, named themselves by the name of the Lord (ch 4 v26). Conversely, the daughters of men are probably the seed of Cain. Instead of marrying only ‘in the faith’, the family of Seth began to choose partners on the basis of their physical beauty (ch 6 v2). The results were disastrous. Instead of the righteous men lifting up their glamorous wives to a higher standard of morals, it worked the other way round. They were dragged down. And the result was a world where the Way of the Lord became almost extinguished.
The Law of Moses was emphatic about marrying only a believer. As the Israelites were entering the Promised Land, God spoke through their aged leader. He warned them that they must not inter-marry with the nations round about them. “You shall not give your daughter to their son”, he said, “nor take their daughter for your son. For they will turn away your heart from following me!”
A similar situation resulted when Solomon ‘married many strange wives’. They turned him away from God.
And in the New Testament the Apostle insists that believers must not be “unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6 v14). We should marry “only in the Lord”, he says (1 Corinthians 7 v39).
If we marry an unbeliever we shall have different standards and expectations from our partner. Yoked together, we will inevitably end up pulling up in opposite directions. We will want to meet with our brothers and sisters at the Breaking of Bread or Bible School, but they will want us to take the family out shopping. We will try to tell the truth, but they, knowing no better, will tell lies, to the confusion of our children. We will make a big effort to be holy to God, but they will follow the way of the world.
Sometimes a young believer meets a girl and becomes interested in her (or vice versa – a girl meets a boy). Right early on, he must explain to her that there is no future in their relationship unless she is to become a disciple herself. Sometimes, impressed by his sincerity and his good example, she will start looking into the Truth, and eventually she may be baptised. Then there is no barrier to their marriage. But if from the beginning she shows no interest, it is best to end the relationship at once, rather than to press on and be sorry later.
One important aspect here is the power of prayer. Although we often feel very small in his presence, God through his angels is concerned about the everyday details of our lives. Hagar found this, when her mistress cruelly drove her out. An angel met her in the wilderness and told her God had seen her affliction. She could not believe it. ‘You, God, see ME!’ she said. She had discovered God was concerned about the happiness even of a little Egyptian slave girl. (Genesis 16 v 8-13). So it is with us. God sees our tears and feels our yearnings. A few chapters later in Genesis, in a time of arranged marriages, Abraham’s servant was sent by his aged master to search for a wife for his son Isaac. Eliezer approached Haran, the city of Abraham’s family. He knew Abraham would want him to bring back a God-fearing girl. But there were many young ladies in Haran. How would he choose the right one? He made it a matter of prayer – the earliest recorded prayer in the Bible. ‘May the first girl who volunteers to draw water for me and my camels’, he said, ‘be the one you have chosen!’ Within minutes, his prayer was answered. And a few days later, he returned home with Rebekah, who became the beloved wife of Isaac, and grandmother of the 12 tribes of Israel. Our prayers may not be answered quite so promptly, but we can have every confidence God knows and hears.
TIME TO REFLECT BEFORE MARRIAGE
Once we are convinced we are truly in love with each other, it is time to announce to the world our intention to get married, normally indicated by the wearing of an engagement ring. Out of courtesy we need to tell our families we intend to get married, to enlist their support. There are many plans to be laid, the most important being where we will live. To buy a house or flat takes a lot of capital, and so the money is usually borrowed, and paid back over a long period, typically 25 years. Because house prices tend to rise, the sooner a married couple can start on the ‘property ladder’ the better, but we need to calculate carefully whether we have a steady enough income to make the monthly payments. If not, and especially if our job situation is uncertain, it may be better to go for rented accommodation, at least for a while. If it is just impossible to find separate housing, then we may have to start our married life by living with our in-laws. This is not ideal, because ‘leaving father and mother’ is part of the definition of marriage made by the Lord in Genesis ch 2, and while we need to care for our parents, on both sides, it is better if we are physically separated from them to give us freedom to create our own, new family. So we should take the earliest opportunity to become independent.
There are many practical arrangements for a wedding, which usually involves booking with a Registrar, and organising a service, a reception, a wedding dress, etc., all of which take some time. In Christadelphian meetings a mature person will often be appointed to advise the couple about the duties and responsibilities of marriage, in this period before the wedding.
This time of waiting can be frustrating, but it is valuable, because it gives us time to reflect, to get to know each other, to learn to take decisions together, and to be sure we are truly committed to making a marriage work. We will need a lot of patience in the years ahead.
AFTER THE WEDDING
A wedding lasts for a day, but marriage is for ever. It takes effort to achieve the sublime union the Bible holds out as the fruit of a happy marriage. We will need to work at our marriage to make sure it lasts