Amsterdam Mamas
How a Facebook grouphelpsthousands of new moms in thecity
By Tiffany Davenport
In 2013, Filipino JemmyrrGavino (1983) movedfrom London, whereshe had a job as a clinical research nurse to live in a small villagenorth of Amsterdam with her Dutch boyfriend. They’d had a long distancerelationshipfor a few yearsand in 2011 shebecame pregnant. Since he didn’t want toleave his home country, shequit her job tomarryhimandraisetheirsontogether in the Netherlands.
Thingsstartedto go bad in the marriage. Her husband went frombeingcharmingandlovingtobeingbossyandabusive. He refusedto help out withtheirson, andalthough he had money for online sexand games, there was no money for her Dutch lessons or new shoesfortheirson. Before long shebegan hearing rumours of her husbandcheating on her. Whensheconfrontedhimaboutthe online sexandrumoursaboutotherwomen, he and his fatherattacked her, pushing her into a glass door andkicking her whileshe was on theground. He told her theonlyreasonshe was there was toraise his son, not as a wife. Her mother in lawtold her nottotellanyone.
The psychologicalandphysicalabusecontinuedandshebeganquestioningherself, her capabilities, and her sanity. Every time shereportedtheabusetothelocalpolice, whowere on friendlytermswiththe family, it was a case of ‘he said, shesaid’. Whenshe went tothe huisarts to get advice on the trauma it was causingtheiryoungson, one of the nurses told her husband. She went frombeingan independent womanwith a good job in London tobeingisolated in a small townwith no oneto talk tofor help.
The dayshediscoveredthe Facebook groupcalled Amsterdam Mamaschangedeverything. For a start, it gave her thewindowtoseethatmotherhood in the Netherlands couldbebetter.
“In the Facebook forum I couldconnecttoothermoms, both Dutch andforeignandhearhowtheirlivesweregoing as moms. I didn’tknowit was normalformoms in Holland to co-parentand have a day off, I thought me doingeverythingforoursonbymyself was justhowthe Dutch raisedtheirkids. That’swhatmy in-lawstold me”.
She sent a private messagetothegroups’ administrationaskingforadvice on her situation. Founding Amsterdam Mama, Emmy McCarthy gave her the name of anotherdomesticabusevictim in thegroup. Shehelped her find a lawyerthatknewaboutdomesticabuseandthecrucial procedures of aninternationaldivorce case. Afterrecordingconversationswith her ex husbandandphotographing her bruises, thepolicebelievedJemmyrr’s story andthroughthe support fromthe Amsterdam Mamas, shegotthe courage toleave her ex-husband.Jemmyrrand her sonended up in a woman’s shelter in Nijmegen. Theyleftsosuddenlythattheydidn’t have a lot of clothes, sothewomen in the Facebook groupstartedcollectingthingsfor her and her son. Six months later, whentheywereableto move into a house theMamascamethroughwithfurnitureandhousehold items to get them set up.
Amsterdam Mamasbegan in 2010 as a group of six pregnant expat womenwhowantedto share theirpregnancystoriesand tips on navigatingmotherhood in Amsterdam. Theirpostsrangedfrompregnancy yoga classes towhereyoucouldbuyclothdiapers. As thewomen met other pregnant womenand new moms, bothforeignand Dutch, theyinvitedthemtojointhegroup. Todaythetotal is over 14,000 with over 2,500 posts per week explainingall baby relatedthings like the GGD, birthingcentres, doulas, baby-friendlyplaygrounds, and kraamverzorgers. The group has especiallyhelpedisolatedmoms, like Jemmyrrwhowere new tothe Netherlands anddidn’t have the support of family or friends.
Emmy McCarthyrealisedhowvaluablethegroup was toboththe Dutch andforeign families andshewantedthis help in the community to go beyond Facebook. Shewantedto turn itinto a free toall, community parentingorganisation, sosheregisteredthegroup as a stitching in 2011.The stitchingorganisespopular family events throughouttheyear like anEasterEgghunt, a Christmas train, a Halloween parade through Beatrix Park and a Children’s Market.
“Amsterdam is phenomenalforneighbourhoodinitiatives, gettingpeople in thestreettogethertobuildvegetablegardens or playgrounds. It’s a reallyinteractivecity but ifyou feel like you’re on theoutside of it, youwon’t make yourself a part of it. We just have tonormalisethings. There’s a reasonwhy Dutch kids are thehappiest in theworldandthat’sbecausethey get tousetheentirecity as theirplayground.”
Whilethere are manyotherparentinggroups on Facebook all over theworld, Amsterdam Mamas has become a template model forothercities in regardtoit’sterms of conditions, transparencyand open membership. The Facebook posts are watched over by 5 volunteer administrators, allmoms. Whilethegroupstarted out helpingmamas new tothe country thelargestdemographic in thegroupnow is actually Dutch.
“I never want thistobean expat group. The entirepurpose of Amsterdam Mamas is to get peopleintegratedintothecity, to get themmovingaroundit, togivethemconfidenceto access events andactivitiesthattheymightnotknowabout or might have worriedaboutattendingbecausetheydidn’tknowenoughabout it.”
The Posts
The FB group is a melting pot of mamasfromall different cultures andwith a myriad of opposingopinions. There have been numerousheated online arguments over everythingfromvaccinations, sugar, air pollution, Zwart Piet, and school policies. Thingscan get aggressiveveryquickly.
“Intonationdoesn’texist online andoftentimes English is nottheir first languageso a lot gets lost in translation… People think we run on fairydustandunicornrainbows – but we’realljustvolunteers”
Mamas In Need
Last year on Christmas Eve a motherposted on thegroupthat her 6-month olddaughter had had a seizurefrom a suddenepileptic attack andthatthe doctors told her thatshewouldn’tsurvive. Through out thedayshereceived 823 commentsofferingprayers, strengthand support.Later in thenightthe administrator of thegroupwho’d been in touchwiththe mom announcedthatthe baby girl had passedaway. A few days later two of the administrators attendedthefuneral.
“We gotinvolvedbecause we lost a baby, becausewe’re a family, because a mother was hurting - anditcould’ve been any of us. Onedayshe was fine andthenshewasn’t. Nearlyalltheadminswerebroughttobreaking point. I don’tthinkI’ll ever get over thatfuneral.“
Aboutonce a monththe administrators post a Mama In Need Post on behalf of ananonymousmother in need of serious help.
“We’ve had adminswho have satwithmamas on Facebook whowhere thinking of committingsuicide. I’vecancelled date nights out withmyhusbandbecauseI’ve been on thephonewiththepolice; I’veaccompaniedpeopletopolice stations to report domesticviolence.”
Untilrecently, a lot of foreignmomswho are abusedbytheir husbands weretrappedherebecausethe Dutch lawswere set up in such a way thatifyourhusbandabusesyouandyou get a divorce, youloseyour right to live here, andthenyouloosecustody of yourchildbecause of the 50/50 custodyrule.One official brazenlytold a motherto kiss her home country goodbyeuntil her child was 18. Anotherasked a mom whyshejustdoesn’tleave her husbandand her childrenheresoshecan get awayfromtheviolence.
“The agencies say thatdoesn’t happen verymuch, that’sbecausetheydon’tcometothem, theycometous. It bogglesmy mind howmuchlegalknowledgewe’ve had todevelop. We’renotthe end point, we never seeourselves as the end point. It’s notour job tosolvedomesticviolence. We’vealwayspositionedourselves as themid-point. We are whereyoucometo get the information youneedto get the solution thatyouneed, whateverthe solution is.”
Because her ex-husbandwon’tgive her permissionto move awayfromthe Netherlands with her son, Jemmyrr has tostay in the country ifshe wants tobewithhim. The laws have recentlychangedsothat a foreignmothercanstay in the Netherlands without her husband’sresidence permit. Jemmyrr was actuallyallowedtostaybecausesheprovedshe was a DomesticAbuseVictim, a visa option notwidelyknownanddifficultto prove. She has sincestarted her own foundation calledAriseto help foreignvictims of domesticabusenavigatethe Dutch system andfindthe support theyneed.