HITLER
AND HOW THE WAR ENDED
Written by
Ben Padgett
INT. ROOM
A boring room.
HITLER, no description needed, stand in the room, holding a conversation with an ENGLSHMEN, snooty looking and drinking a cup of tea. On the teacup is a picture of the union jack.
HITLER
(German accent)
And I hate zoes Jewz, they all diez, but who I really plan to kill, you know to REALLY pizz off all zose countries we’re fighting, too many to rememberz now, iz zat ugly old woman in zat country England, ze Queen. What kind of country iz zat? Ze have democrazy, which iz zhit, so I kill zier leader. Simple az zat.
The English glares.
ENGLISHMAN
(British Accent)
That’s all jolly good, but I’m British.
HITLER
But zou’re my only friend…
ENGLISH
I still am, Adolf, but I really must disagree with you on this, the queen is a nice lady once you meet her.
Long silence.
HITLER
Is zshe Jewish?
ENGLISHMAN
No.
HITLER
I killz her anywayz.
ENLGISHMAN
You can’t!
HITLER
Zhutup you pommy Jew.
ENGLISHMAN
I’m not Jewish.
HITLER
Do you know where zis queen lives?
ENGLISHMAN
I won’t let you!
Hitler gets up to walk away, and Englishman follows him.
English spins Hitler around and rips off Hitler’s moustache.
Blood goes everywhere.
ENGLISHMAN
Oh, sorry, chap, but I always thought you moe was fake! And I couldn’t let you go and kill a major member of the united nation.
HITLER
United zwhat zwhat? And I still kill Queen.
Englishman slaps Hitler.
Hitler slaps Englishman.
Suddenly, a NAZI runs in.
NAZI
Ztop! Zit skit iz to silly!
HITLER
Get out and stay out, Frederick.
FREDERICK
Sorry. Heil Hitler!
HITLER
Yes, hail me. Now where were we?
Frederick leaves.
ENGLISHMAN
Um…You were just about to stop world war two…
HITLER
Ah, yes, get my banana phone so I can inform Madonna of ze changes.
English is confused.
HITLER
Itz code talk, get my cell so I can call Bush.
INT. PRESEDENTAIL OFICE
PRESIDANT BUSH, (103), picks up his phone at his desk.
BUSH
Yes?…Ofcourse I would like to buy some towels…Are they blue?…So they’re not blue…
Hangs up. Phone rings again. Bush picks up.
BUSH
What war?…Oh yes…Sure whatever.
EXT. SLUMMY STREET – DAY - USA
A THIEF, dressed in black biker suit, is punching an old WOMAN.
A MAN pokes his head out of a nearby apartment window and screams out…
MAN
HEY EVERYBODY! THE WAR IS OVER!
Everybody on the street, even the old woman and thief, cheer and yell.
EXT.MANSION VERANDAH – DAY - ARGENTINA
A beautiful WOMAN, South American, sings to a crowd of onlookers on her balcony.
WOMAN
Don’t cry for me Argentina!
She falls off the balcony onto the ground. She stands up again.
WOMAN
Everybody! I just remembered! The war finished!
Everyone cheers.
EXT. OUTBACK – DAY
A KANGAROO, and a FARMER, stand in the middle of the desert.
KANGAROO
I think the war is over.
FARMER
Fairdinkum.
FADE OUT