Helping Children to Cope with Bereavement
Community Child Psychology
Northern Health Centre
580 Holloway Road
Islington
London N7 6LB
Tel: 020 7445 8150
Fax: 020 7445 8153
This leaflet was written in July 2004
Every family has its own ideas andways of coping when someone dies. There is no one right way for coping. This leaflet gives some information about how children might react to bereavement, and some simple ideas to help your child and family cope.
There is also a wide variation in how children react to the loss of a loved person, and how much they understand about dying and death.
What do Children Understand about Death?
Children’s understanding about what death means will depend upon what experiences they have had so far in their lives, the stage of their emotional development and what they generally understand about the world.
Below is a rough guide to what children at different ages might understand:
Under Two:
If babies up to six months have a parent or carer that dies they can be aware that the care from that familiar person has gone and may feel abandoned and insecure. They can show these feelings by crying more, especially when separated from other important people. From 6 months to 2 years children begin to have images in their minds when their carer is not with them and miss them when they are apart. If toddlers are bereaved at this stage they are likely to cry at separation from carers, may search for the person who has died, may lose interest in food and toys and seem more quiet and withdrawn.
Two to Four Years:
Most very young children do not understand that death is permanent and final. They might ask where the person is and try to look for them. They might have lots of different ideas about the deceased person not being around. For example, they might think the person went away because s/he was angry with them. Their thinking about the death is unlikely to be logical.
Five to Ten Years:
Many five-year-olds understand that death means that that they are separated from the deceased person. Most six-year-olds have the ability to understand that this separation is permanent, and to understand a simple explanation about the cause of death. They will also start to understand that the deceased person’s body no longer works, for example they cannot hear or speak. Most eight to nine year olds have enough understanding about death to know that it happens to everyone at some time.
How Children Often Cope with Bereavement
Many children develop difficulties with their emotions and behaviours both at school and at home, in learning to live without the loved person. One study showed that one third of children still had these difficulties after a parent dying two years before.
Loss of a Parent
Within weeks of a bereavement, children as young as two years are likely to be more emotional or anxious than usual. You might notice them behaving differently (for example, being aggressive) and many return to behaviours of a younger child (for example, having problems with toileting, sucking their thumb, difficulties separating from others). They may feel worried that other people close to them may die. Young children find it difficult to stay in a sad mood for a long time, and may seem happy at other times.
Loss of a Brother or Sister
Children are likely to have a mixture of feelings in losing a brother or sister. They may feel they have caused the death by thinking negative things about them, and they may be worried that they can catch the illness too if they were unwell. They may feel lonely after losing a playmate, but also pleased that they no longer need to share your love.
How to Help Your Child Cope with Bereavement
Talking with Your Child
Give simple and truthful explanations about the cause of death, for example there was something wrong with the person’s body. There is no need for complicated or detailed explanations. You may need to explain that it is different to pretend death, and that the deceased person will not come back to life.
It is important to acknowledge your child’s feelings about the death, and to give them the opportunity to talk about it as soon as possible. Try not to correct what your child is saying, but listen out for what feelings they are expressing, and acknowledge those. For example, if a child says that they are angry about a parent dying, ask them more about that angry feeling.
Support your child in saying goodbye to their loved one. This can mean supporting them take part in the ceremonies and rituals (e.g. attending funerals or making goodbye cards). Be prepared for questions about religious concepts that may be hard to understand. For example you might be asked to describe heaven if you have said that the deceased person is there now.
It may feel very difficult to talk with your child about the bereavement whilst you are also upset. Their reactions may seem unexpected and maybe even upsetting. You might find it useful for you to talk to another adult about what your child says and to gain support from them.
Family Coping
Children’s adjustment to a bereavement will also be influenced by how your child sees you coping. It might be helpful for your child to see you upset, so that they know it is ok for them to show their grief. However, it is important that your distress is shown in a controlled and calm way in front of the child, so that they are not frightened.
Young children sometimes have difficulties remembering the deceased person, and may find it helpful to make a scrapbook and to look through old photos. Prepare your family for anniversaries, birthdays and so on, by talking about how they might feel more upset on that day. You might want to mark that day by doing something special, for example visiting the grave.
Young children may feel different to others and embarrassed after bereavement. They may also play act death and events around it and worry about themselves or other people or themselves dying. These are all 'normal' reactions to bereavement and should pass with reassurance and support.
Routine
It is important that the child’s day-to-day life remains as much the same as possible (for example going to school, bedtimes, and the rules you have in your house). Bereavement can make people feel very insecure; routines can help increase a child's sense of security.
In summary- Give your child an explanation using words they understand
- Allow your child to talk about the person and ask questions
- Keep family routines in place as much as possible
- Try to get support for yourself, it can be very difficult helping others cope with grief while grieving too
- Remember that every child and family has their own unique way and pace of doing things