Handling Workplace Anger

Handling Workplace Anger

By Dan Bobinski

We often see people getting mad at work, and the ripple-effects are never very good. Anger as a reaction to bad news is common, and unfortunately anger used to intimidate often gets results. However, coworkers lose a lot of respect for those who vent on a regular basis. So what can be done about anger in the workplace? First we need to find out what causes people to get mad. Anger most often occurs when what we want to happen is not happening. It manifests itself in various forms, from mild frustration to all out rage. Essentially, we choose anger because we don’t know what else to do to get the results we want, and anger often manipulates others into doing what we want. Sadly, this cause of action is short-sighted.

Secondly, contrary to popular belief, no one ever “makes” someone else angry. Anger is always a choice. Whether you are the aggressor or are on the receiving end of outbursts, one of the best ways to combat workplace anger is to know that there are alternative choices.

If you’re one of those who tend to vent, think about when you’ve gotten angry. Instead of blaming others, look seriously within. What was it that didn’t happen that you wanted to happen? What didn’t you do that you could have done? What didn’t you plan for? Or, were you trying to control something beyond your control? If you’re truly honest with yourself, you may be surprised at your answers, and realize that other, better choices were at your disposal.

“Better choices” usually means asking better questions. One way is to ask yourself how you could have planned better to prevent a problem from occurring. Another way is to ask forward-thinking, solution-oriented questions to find a resolution to a problem. These normally start with the words “what” or “how” and incorporate “I” or “we,” not “you.” Examples include “what can we do from here?” or “how can I solve this problem?”

Questions asking “why” or using the word “you” are dangerous because they put people on the defensive and usually try to assign blame. An example could be, “why didn’t you think of this ahead of time?”

Beyond asking better questions, a person who easily moves to anger can choose better actions. Instead of slamming a fist on a desk and raising one’s voice, s/he can sit back in the chair, breathe deeply, and focus on the next step for resolution. Why focus on resolution? A move toward resolution leads to a better sense of control. Essentially, there is no excuse for relying on anger or intimidation as a way to get things done.

For anyone who must deal with angry people, remember that anger is simply a tactic for trying to gain or regain control. Anyone who works with angry people must memorize this fact, remembering that one of the worst things that can be said to an angry person is “calm down.” An angry person already feels out of control. If they’re being told to calm down, it is telling them to acquiesce to someone else’s command, taking them further out of a feeling of control. This is why many angry people get even madder when told to calm down!

So, how does one respond to an angry person? Acknowledging why the angry person is upset. One of the best ways to do this is by paraphrasing. A standard line might be “You sound pretty upset about ___”. By acknowledging the reason for a person’s anger, you validate their concern. This gives them a sense of control, and once people feel in control again, their anger starts to subside. It’s usually not a good idea to respond to anger with anger. Such action only escalates the other person’s anger, and results in two people feeling and acting out of control.

If a person refuses to calm down, simply state that you’d be happy to continue the conversation when emotions have subsided, and then respectfully but quietly disengage. This may require walking away. Continued threats and yelling constitute a hostile work environment, and life is too short to be putting up with such nonsense. Talk with your supervisor, an ODS, or your EAP about the situation.

The bottom line is that people quick to anger need to find alternative ways to express needs and stay in control; those who endure antagonistic behavior must set healthy boundaries, showing that they will not tolerate being treated badly.

SOURCE: Management Issues

(August, 2007)