FC Energie Clauchlands
No division yet
Manager: Jimbosauras
wir dieser Liga in drei Jahren besitzen,
A FRESH START.....
After a recent successful rehabilitation program and with his 5 year football ban for disrupting doping tests of his players finally over new FC Energie Clauchlands manager Jimbo has not been shy to show his delight being hired by the club.
Being asked how he felt Jimbo replied:
"Over the moon, It's like your first line of mandy, that first fag in the morning and that fresh rip of clean hymen all rolled into one! the last 5 years have been tough, I spent the last 18 months doing my community service working with chefs with special needs, but that was then and I would like to concentrate on now, as new Clauchys manager I want to send out a strong message to the other managers that we are not just here to fill up the numbers, I firmly believe in two seasons we will be in the APL"
Strong words from Mr.Morrison considering his experience. Later asked on recent Nazi graffiti on the newly built Clauchlands Farm Stadium Jimbo added:
"We know who it was, we recieved videos from the BBC who were filming the next season of 'The Scheme' in Benlister and we've passed the evidence on the the appropriate authorities and expect charges to follow, but i don't want to dwell on this to long as i believe that will only satisfy the dreggs of society that inhabit Benlister"
So Jimbo definately seems the kind who likes to ruffle feathers, wether that's a good thing or not i'm not sure, he didn't seem to keen to talk about the clubs new Billionaire owner Claus Fotze Klappen or the rumours that surround him.
"I have nothing to say about the new owner, ask him"
Curious why i got such a cold response i asked his opinion again but was told just to move on swiftly, but not politely. Apparnently a high court order has been refused by Judge Kojak so i'm sure in the coming days we'll understandwhat all the mystery has been about. So overall I can't really decide what to make of Jimbo all I can say is we'll have to wait and see. Before he left I asked his prediction for the season:
"1st,1st,1st for the next 3 seasons, that's my prediction some will say i'm cocky some will say im deluded but it'll happen Glen Coy, Holy Isle and the rest of the playboy teams watch out and as for Benlister, how about you all get off the dole, scumbags"
Djchrismac2011-03-27 06:05:07
Hahahaha brilliant!!
2011-03-27 10:48Assistant
Arran Premier League
Manager: MrJobby
Change Report Summary
View the latest change report at:
(password is 'thursday')
3 double jumps:
- Raymond Legnazzi (Cock of Arran)
-Harry Kolstad (Kings Cavemen)
-Jie Lun Hong (Pladda Fraggles)
Shiskine Stormers got the most visible increases with 11
Nags Legends
Arran Premier League
Manager: Gman11
All Hail Gman11
Party has kicked off to celebrate the end of season awards at Nags a bevy of Nagette beauties present to assist with the festivities. The main man, gaffer gman11 was there in full force to quaff down Nags' finest bubbly whilst being presented with the MOTS award! Having been somewhat distracted of late, gman11 look relieved, bemused and proud to have reached this pinnacle moment in his managerial career. Mr Lovatt was also enjoying hot tub sessions with the Nagettes having been awarded most amount of assists award. Well done guys, business is booming.
Kings Cavemen
Arran Diddy League
Manager: Stucrawford
kings cavemen
A 1-1 away draw to the Pladda fraggles kicks off the mighty Kings Cavemen's pe-season build up. With a good but not great change report (10+ -1) the cavemen will be looking to strengthen their squad as well as sell someolder players.
The Cavemen are planning on playing at least one more friendly before the new season starts.
North Sannox Midges
Arran Diddy League
Manager: Kerranger
Midges Win Diddy Playoff!!!
This is Shuggie McClumpher reporting live from the rockpools
Jubilant scenes as the end of season party kicks of here at the rockpools with a 3 – 0 win over Laggan Leóghanns.
This game was set up after a phone call between the managers turned nasty “I thought id phoned Neil Lennon!!” said a jovial Midges manager Lord Alan Kerr “he just went on and on about how good his team was and his strange bromance with his new goalkeeper” Lord Alan seemed distracted at that point saying “that’s a coincidence actually the Pladda Fraggles manager was on the phone going on about one of his goalkeepers taking a double dip or something but I wasn’t really listening … anyway” Lord Alan said getting back to his point “ yes well so I had my earful from Buchanan and decided to remind him who the Diddy and Jaffa champ was again……. Well this didn’t go down well and neither did my attempts to calm him down by saying that he’s only been promoted on the midges coattails and if my midges hadn’t drawn against Glen Rosa Ramblers his team of yokels would still be languishing in the diddy swamps with the rest of the has-beens like Athletico Machrie” Lord Alan then took a breath before following with “so between all the swear words I said to him ok me and you square go sunday double or nothing well that soon shut him up I think the poor sod thought he had a chance and took me up on my offer. And here we are today the undisputed diddy champions.”
And with that Lord Alan spotted Midges former striker Willie Thacker downing a bottle of Champaign and left the interview “Oi Willie I hope you’ve paid for that we won fu#k all when you were playing”
This has been Shuggie McClumpher reporting on a trophy laden season.
Esteban_c2011-03-28 16:05:32
Why would my young Irish midfielder be receiving a call from Kerrbear???
Djchrismac2011-03-29 19:14:41
Death threats...
2011-03-29 18:36Laggan Leóghanns
Arran Premier League
Manager: Fraz_B
Fiery friendly
Friendly? Anything but!
Not very genial hosts. The Midges manager was very animated during the friendly match he requested with the Lions, encouraging his players to "take out" some of the Laggen stars after the Lions took the lead. He then went berserk when the Lions Manager said something in his ear off camera.
The Midges manager subsequently collapsed and the medical staff had to intervene.
"I was considering taking my players off the park before the end of the game. We came here for a preseason friendly and it was anything but friendly. The final score was not important to us but fitness, form and teamwork was. After we went ahead I just wanted the full squad to survive the game. The team obviously gets their temperament form their manager. If this was a league game he would obviously be banned from the touchline for some time.This game must have meant a lot more to the Midges, we feel we have nothing to prove. But I did feel sorry for him, especially when the medical staff opened his shirt as he was gasping for breath and found he was wearing a bra. I'm not sure if he required the support or not and would rather not dwell on whither he had matching panties. I asked Beckers if he looked the type but he only commented that he would have been more embarrassed about the self defecation. I must agree each to their own but the smell was quite overpowering. Maybe by the next time the two teams meet he might be more comfortable with who he is. Beckers did say he was "looking about for Willie" later on after the game and is "going to see Kylie" which apparently means something in that community.
This will make for some fiery clashes in the competitive matches to come. We must also remind the Midges that we got promoted on merit, even after the midges started lying down to the other promotion hopefuls and that Laggan are an ascending team, never been relegated like the Midges.
They obviously fear us!"
Fraz_B
LLFC hope the bad feelings can be put aside and wish Lady Alana Kerr a speedy recovery.
We will also be speaking to Mr McClumphers employers about his standard of reporting. His copy was full of mistakes; blatently one sided, commenting on private conversations he was not pary to and he couldn't even get the score correct.
Bob Longhome
Director of communications
LLFCv
The League Admin
Arran Premier League
Manager: Djchrismac
JAFFA Welcome New ANL Teams
Arran Numpty League Teams
JAFFA would like to welcome the new managers and their teams who will form the new Arran Numpty League (ANL) division of the APL:
Dynamo Dunfion - Cir (Keir Murdo)
Brodick Castle Royals - B0lty (Kevin Bolt)
Newton Shore Ninjas - Flashinthejapan (Gordon McNicol)
AC Dougarie - Arranandy (Andy Dinwoodie)
MaolDonn Hotspurs - Don-goodman (Dan Goodchild)
Wooleys Wanderers - Ripvan (Matt Keir)
Dynamo Torbeg - Addie_Mac (Adam McEachern)
FC Energie Clauchlands - Jimbosaurus (Seionaidh 'Jimbo' Morrison)
Shuraig Tiger Blood - Arran_DT (Danny Thompson)
Lagg 1791 - Hugohendry (Craig Hendry)
The new season will kick off on Thursday 7th April giving time for two more friendlies before then.
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JAFFA
Glen Cloy Rangers
Arran Premier League
Manager: Djchrismac
Gers Welcome Royals To APL!
Glen Cloy Rangers Win Local Pre-season Brodick Derby Friendly
Glen Cloy Rangers defeated the new ANL's Brodick Castle Royals 4-0 this week as their pre-season preparation got off to a great start. A double for Novo, 2 assists for Fletcher and a trademark header and free kick for youth stars Stevenson and Mendoza repectively left the fans singing "There's only one team in Brodick" and "I'd rather be a Diddy than a Numpty" to the away fans which mainly consisted of Castle Rangers wearing green who seemed distracted by the big lights of Brodick and the imposing Underwood Park Stadium!
Gers Gaffer Chris Mac even joined in the fun:
"I hear the Royals have named their stadium the BrodickCastle Royals Arena? A bit fancy for that old walled garden is it not?! I swear they had some of the Castle guides playing for them during the match...."
With JAFFA pressing the big red button tonight the fixtures are in and Rangers will travel to the Rockpools for their first match to take on the Diddy champion and JAFFA Cup holders the North Sannox Minges on their return to the top flight.
Chris Mac has not yet confirmed if the team will be playing another pre-season match and will apparently mull the situation over for the next 24 hours.
Also new for season 6 is the league banner theme which will celebrate the stadia and sheep of the new Arran Numpty League!
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Arran Banter Sports
Athletico Machrie
Arran Diddy League
Manager: MrJobby
Machrie wasted no time when the transfer window opened signing 2 players as the Athletico boss plots his return to the top flight.
'Zapp Brannigan brings some much needed experience into the midfield and Silva Rizla will help shore up the back line.' said MrJobby.
The new signings will be expected to lineup in tonight’s pre-season friendly against Numpty new boys Dynamo Torbeg.
Nags Legends
Arran Premier League
Manager: Gman11
GMAN11(MOS) Entertains Youthful Approach
The boss of Nags has decided to cast the net over the youth team to give the young lads a chance. First up for this season is a 'as - yet - to - be - announced' young goalkeeper who sports a uncanny resemblance to one of the Legends... a secret love-child perhaps? All will be revealed in due course.
Tonight the Legends host the annual 'friendly' against their neighbours in the Bay, the mighty Cooper Angus Rangers. This should prove to be a interesting tussle with the Gers still joyous from their cup semi-final victory against the Legends.
Thunderguy Harriers
Arran Diddy League
Manager: Qwijiboenator
Hermit Spotted Near Thunderguy
After proving unreachable for the better part of last season, Arran Banter Sports is pleased to announce that the advent of a new division couupled with their relegation to Diddy status has motivated Thunderguy Harrier's reclusive manager Qwijiboenator into allowing Banter reporters within the hallowed grounds of the Cockhole Arena.
Their purpose? To get - as one overly-enthusiastic intern put it - the scoop of the century regarding just why one of Arran's five greatest clubs slumped to such a shocking defeat this season and just what they plan to do in order to rectify the situation.
ABS: So qwiji, first thing's first: What happened in the league?
Q: I'm sure you don't need me to tell you all the gory details, just look at the final league standings for the whole story. Suffice it to say that a misadventure into the transfer market - which allowed all of the clubs funds to be spent on a player who is not even of ADL quality - meant that the entire future of the club needed a major reworking. Subsequently, a new youth-centric approach was initiated with the hope that the lads could scrape by for a couple of seasons despite having a lower average age than the female patrons at Nags. They tried their best but teenagers can only do so much, and we simply could not perform at the level required to maintain our hallowed place among the APL elite.
ABS: A fact which some members of the "Elite Four" have been quite smug about if certain sources are to be believed.
Q: I think hey would be a lot less self-congratulatory about it if they realised that they are now just one giant football-playing Pokemon reference, without Thunderguy around.
ABS: Returning to your new youth set-up, how do you think playing at a lower standard in the Diddy League will affect the development of all the young boys you are grooming... for stardom?
Q:: I think they'll do fine. They spent so much time losing despite excellent performances last season that everyone is looking forward to having a season off to remember what it's like to be victorious. Every one of my lads feels that they learnt lots last season and a few in particular have the ambition to return straight to the APL. Dwayne Dibley recently informed me of his deep personal desire to see the club beating Benlister regularly once again for example, and Johnnie Matheson is convinced he will - I quote - "Tear those diddies a new one." which is no mean feat considering the notorious amount of holes in Diddy team's defences.
ABS: I understand you will in fact be playing Benlister this evening?
Q: Yep, the traditional pre-season friendly. We just need a run out and some game time to get back into the swing of things. Dwayne has been told to keep his studs to himself, but to feel free to score another eighty-seventh minute screamer if he can be bothered. Honestly we are more interested in our next friendly, arranged today, against one of the new ANL teams F.C. Energie Clauchlands. Their manager seems to have some fairly grand - and verbose - ideas and it will be very interesting to see if they can live up to them.
ABS: Do you have anything more to say about the newly minted Arran Numpty League?
Q: Of course I do! I would like to extend my own welcome to the new managers and wish them all the best in the most cut-throat job in football. I'm sure they will learn a lot of skank tricks over the course of the next few seasons, learning from the most cutting-edge skankers in the world.
ABS: Have there been any other changes to your team set-up in pre-season? It's quite frankly a pain to get through here from Brodick to check regularly.
Q: There have certainly been changes you lazy bufoon. There was even speculation that Diddy League prize money would not be great enough to allow us to sustain the use of the Cockhole Arena forcing us to return to our old grounds. Thanks to a certain amount of savvy thinking - plus the rental of the Cockhole as a haybarn over the winter months - this horrible possibility was avoided. We have been forced, however, to completely revamp our kits - both home and away - due to certain sports-science findings at Thunderlabs showing that apparently tweed was not a particularly suitable material for football strips. According to our top boffins heat retention, lack of sweat-dissipation and repetitive movements can cause the kind of chafing rarely found outside of a Bangkok brothel. Who knew?
ABS: Do you think this impacted on your performance last season?
Q: I doubt it, but it's a useful excuse compared to the alternative of managerial incompetence so, Yes absolutely! We would still be an APL team if we had changed our strip sooner. Why not? Oh would you look at the time - I have to go and round up the lads for tonight's game. I may deign to hold another interview at some point this season, but it is highly unlikely. Goodbye. Get off my property with all haste or I shall be forced to release the guard-chickens.
Arran Banter Sports reporters escaped with only minor claw marks and one case of a badly pecked eyeball.
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ABS