Foreword by Kinky Friedman – LEGALLY STONED

You are not merely holding a book; you are holding a key to the doors of perception. Were you to experiment with some of the fourteen mind-altering substances in Legally Stoned, you might not break the law but you’d probably get high enough to go duck hunting with a rake. I’ve tried four of Dr. Thies’s concoctions myself and I got so high I needed a stepladder to scratch my ass. (Haven’t tried toad venom yet. I’m saving that one for Purim or the next time I’m on Bill O’Reilly, whichever comes first.)

Hiroclitus once said that a man never crosses the same river twice. That is because the river changes and the man changes. Dr. Thies makes it clear that for thousands of years man has been changing, chemically, spiritually, politically. Thoreau’s “quiet desperation” appears to be built into the human race. Another way of belaboring this theme is to quote my personal guru the Hillbilly Dalai Lama, Willie Nelson, who, while smoking a joint the size of a large kosher salami, once told me, “If you ain’t crazy there’s something wrong with you.”

Seen in the pale light of the twenty-first century, according to Dr. Thies, the war on drugs currently being waged by our government and the DEA is not only futile and counter-productive, but it runs inexplicably, inexorably against the grain of the Declaration of Independence. We tried prohibition once, Dr. Thies points out, and it created many more problems than it resolved.

Dr. Thies recommends, of course, that before you partake of “The CIA’s Magic Beans” (Andadenanthera Peregrina/Colubrina Seeds) or “The Gift from the Green Fairy” (Absinthium)—or anything else in this book—you should consult your lawyer and your doctor. I understand why the good professor might have included this disclaimer, but I think it’s a waste of time to see a lawyer. As I always say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a lawyer.” As far as doctors go, I vividly recall the last time I went to one. “I’ve got some bad news for you,” he told me. “You’re going to have to quit masturbating.” “Why?” I shouted. “Because I have to examine you,” he said.

All this notwithstanding, Legally Stoned is far more than an excellent, meticulously-researched sourcebook; it is a highly-readable treasure trove of experiments and experiences, empirical, existential, eternal as the human spirit, guaranteed to goose you, at least for the moment, out of that monotonous mortal groove. For what is life if not moments, all strung together like a necklace made of Morning Glory and Hawaiian Baby Woodrose Seeds?

So should you consult your doctor or lawyer before attempting to replicate some of these experiments outside the lab? I believe there are other voices you should listen to. One of them is the still, small voice within. If you look around at a world full of slums and suburbs and Starbucks perhaps you’ll hear that voice in three-part harmony with Alice in Wonderland and Jim Morrison. Then, of course, there’s always the voice of Bob Dylan who once suggested everybody must get stoned.

Dr. Thies, I believe, is an exemplary Virgil; he has performed the high spiritual task of the WalMart greeter, asking each one of us, “How can I help you?” If you read this new, and certain to be controversial, book, I guarantee you’ll find it fascinating. If you decide to put the ancient key in the door, God knows what might happen. As my personal guru Uncle Willie often says, “Fortunately, we’re not in control.”

As I often say, “Why the hell not!”

Kinky Friedman

August 11, 2008

Medina, Texas