Even Nappy-Headed Ho’sOffended By Imus’ Comments

“He said we were like, what, some Jenkins waved a crude shank made from a Goodwill kitchen spoon to underscore her point.

“We make lonely guys happy,” said crack afficionada Sable Jenkins, no relation. “What they do, throw a ball around? Those chicks just fronting; we here to represent.”

“Those bitches wouldn’t last a second out here,” said Wilhemina Jenkins, pointing around to indicate the mean streets of her Brooklyn neighborhood. “Here, you don’t use double negatives, you get jumped proper. Shee-it.”

Imus, from all appearances an unattractive man in his late nineties, apologized fifty two hundred times, but it wasn’t enough, nor could it ever be. His shame will outlive us all. He went on the Reverend Al Sharpton’s radio show in the special time-slot reserved for white men who need to ask forgiveness for their ignorant remarks.

“I made a mistake. I thought things, then I said them.” Imus drooled.

His observations were scanned by the offend-a-meter stationed in every city and were determined to be hurtful.

How is what he said any different than what Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle a “national dialogue” on race, and isn’t that what America really truly needs?

“Simple.” Replied a Sharpton aide. “Blacks get to say what they want about Caucasians. Not the other way around.”say about white people?

“Simple.” Replied a Sharpton aide. “Blacks More bickering and mindless provocations?

These Bitter Times

An Alarming Failure

Duke Lacrosse Players Cleared

The charges against the three Duke Lacrosse

Team members accused of rape were dismissed,

and everyone couldn’t be happier.

“I’m so proud of my son,” said Reade

Seligmann’s father joyously. “He and forty-five

other horndogs gathered to ogle some drugged-up

tramps get naked. Thousands of dollars in legal

fees later, everything is turning our way. I’m just

bustin’ at the seams.”

Colin Finnerty was nominated for a

Congressional Medal of Honor by his lawyer,

Sid Shyster-Lundgren.

“He was accused of something of something

bad, and then it went away. What a hero and role

model. That a good-looking young guy who’s a jock

at a major university couldn’t get a date on a

weekend night speaks to what a fine person he is

and what a terrific catch he’ll make some lucky gal.”

YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL,

YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL IT’S TRUE, YOU’RE

BEAUTIFUL, YOU’RE BEAUTI-- Not you!!!

Her! Get out of the way bitch! God, YOU?

I am SO sure. Hey everyone, she thought I

was singing to her—what a loser!!! Let’s all

laugh at her unrealistic self-worth…

HAHAHAHEHEHE!

Accelerate Into the Brake Lights

…and other So Fla Driving Tips

--Holding a cell phone up to your head

is mandatory, even if it’s disconnected

--Cyclists and pedestrians are your

deadly enemy

--Right turn on red implies at 25 mph

Q & A

When is the proper time to honk so

everyone knows that you are in a hurry

and they need to get out of your way?

ANSWER: Never stop honking. A firm,

even pressure on the horn is the best

way to get “others” to move. I mean,

that’s what it’s there for, the horn, to

let people know you want to go…

World Bank’s Wolfowitz

Caught Being Corrupt

Paul Wolfowitz, architect of the fabulously successful

war plan in Iraq, acknowledged he abused his new

position as chief of the World Bank to give a cushy

job to a girlfriend.

Conservatives were quick to jump to his defense.

“He’s being persecuted because he wants to root out

third-world nepotism.” Said uber-asshole Sean Hannity.

“They want to smear him so he wouldn’t expose their

malfeasance.”
Such as giving a $194K a year to his latest fuck?

“Exactly. That’s precisely the sort of thing that is

unacceptable when it is being done by someone in

a poor country, someone who isn’t one of our

small, fanatical, right-wing Christian cabal that has

rolled in its’ power like a pig in slop since certain

stolen elections in ’00 and ’04.” Hannity was unusually

candid, as he was on painkillers recently copped from

another reactionary fascist name o’Limbaugh.

Kind of makes you wonder what’s going on,

doesn’t it? As top Bush administration officials get

drummed out for stupidity, they landnicely-remunerated

positions totally out of sync with the poor performance

they just turned in. Example: J. Paul Bremer.

Capitalism rewards the productive and punishes the

inefficient, right? Isn’t that our mantra, especially when

it comes to blue-collar workers? So why reward

executive incompetence?

Almost makes you think the whole Iraq thing went

exactly as some thought all along, making billionaires

out the millionaires at Halliburton, Exxon, etc

GOOD GOSSIP

Hollywood Stars Wait to Find

Out From Their Publicists Who

Their New Dating Partners Will Be

The social scene in Tinseltown took a break as PR

flacks from CMA and William Morris feverishly tried

to figure out who will supposedly be couples.

Stars such as Reese Witherspoon, Scarlet

Johansson, Justin Timberlake, and Josh Hartnett

were anxiously awaiting to hear who their new

lovers were as they stayed home, worked out, and

hung with their real, “boring” partners.

“The only thing we’re sure of is Reese and

Jake Gylenhaal, because they star in a movie

(‘Rendition’) coming out. Everyone else is up in the

air.” said a harried Stu Schickelson, unpaid intern

to high-powered superagent Henry Glick.

“The guy from Entourage may be with the chick

from Sabrina, I think, and Bea Arthur and Rip Torn

may have a December-December romance. No

one knows. After the first few couple form, the rest

fall into place.”

“A bunch of bored old ladies and stupid

sub-humans need to follow every twist and turn of

the people they recognize from movies and TV—

it makes them feel like they are part of something

bigger, which is way better than merely the buyer

of an entertainment product. These shut-ins and

kept-outs MUST have celebrity scandals and

beautiful people coupling to populate their thin,

sad inner world and flesh out their sick little sexual

fantasies,” said Geoff von Tiedeman, a pompous

windbag teaching assistant from SlipperyRock

University, his fleshy jowls jumping with animation

as he spoke.

“I don’t care what girl they say I’m dating,” said

an anonymous ‘JT,’ “I like picking up black guys in

Silverlake after the gay bars close. I mean, I was

a Mouseketeer, sang in a boy band, AND seduced

by Michael Jackson at Neverland Ranch. It doesn’t

get gayer than me. But people won’t buy records

from a fag, so I play this game.”

Anna Nicole’s Baby:“I’m Outta Here!”

Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl snuck off from the circus that had become her life when she realized the “adults” around here were more interested in money and fame and status than her well-being.

“I tied some sheets together and lowered myself onto the balcony below while my nanny was getting schlonged by the security guard, and used diamonds I had hidden in my butt to finance a trip to Hong Kong. There, I assumed a new identity as an unwanted Chinese orphan. Right now I’m in the process of getting adopted by a normal couple from Racine, Wisconsin.” Daniellynn gurgled.

Her ‘father,’ Larry Birkhead, was in court at the time having financial records examined to see how much he could scam.

“I really dodged a bullet there. He’s a total moron. Can’t believe his sperm were the quickest and smartest. Competition must have been weak. I actually would have preferred the creepy old Count guy….that would have been a hoot at least, and he could change mine and Zsa Zsa’s diapers at the same time.”

Drunken Swimmer Magazine Asks:

Are You a Jellyfish, or a Plastic Bag?

I don’t know if I care too

much, or if I’m just getting

cranky in my old age, but

Jimmy’s Corn-Cracking is

really starting to bother me

These Bitter Times are a sad failure.

And soon we’ll be expanding! Yes,

when I can figure out how to cut and

paste and upload, you will get all the

shallow indifferent shit I’ve palming

off on all of you, only via the Internet!

(patent pending Al Gore)…to contact: