Even Nappy-Headed Ho’sOffended By Imus’ Comments
“He said we were like, what, some Jenkins waved a crude shank made from a Goodwill kitchen spoon to underscore her point.
“We make lonely guys happy,” said crack afficionada Sable Jenkins, no relation. “What they do, throw a ball around? Those chicks just fronting; we here to represent.”
“Those bitches wouldn’t last a second out here,” said Wilhemina Jenkins, pointing around to indicate the mean streets of her Brooklyn neighborhood. “Here, you don’t use double negatives, you get jumped proper. Shee-it.”
Imus, from all appearances an unattractive man in his late nineties, apologized fifty two hundred times, but it wasn’t enough, nor could it ever be. His shame will outlive us all. He went on the Reverend Al Sharpton’s radio show in the special time-slot reserved for white men who need to ask forgiveness for their ignorant remarks.
“I made a mistake. I thought things, then I said them.” Imus drooled.
His observations were scanned by the offend-a-meter stationed in every city and were determined to be hurtful.
How is what he said any different than what Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle a “national dialogue” on race, and isn’t that what America really truly needs?
“Simple.” Replied a Sharpton aide. “Blacks get to say what they want about Caucasians. Not the other way around.”say about white people?
“Simple.” Replied a Sharpton aide. “Blacks More bickering and mindless provocations?
These Bitter Times
An Alarming Failure
Duke Lacrosse Players Cleared
The charges against the three Duke Lacrosse
Team members accused of rape were dismissed,
and everyone couldn’t be happier.
“I’m so proud of my son,” said Reade
Seligmann’s father joyously. “He and forty-five
other horndogs gathered to ogle some drugged-up
tramps get naked. Thousands of dollars in legal
fees later, everything is turning our way. I’m just
bustin’ at the seams.”
Colin Finnerty was nominated for a
Congressional Medal of Honor by his lawyer,
Sid Shyster-Lundgren.
“He was accused of something of something
bad, and then it went away. What a hero and role
model. That a good-looking young guy who’s a jock
at a major university couldn’t get a date on a
weekend night speaks to what a fine person he is
and what a terrific catch he’ll make some lucky gal.”
YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL,
YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL IT’S TRUE, YOU’RE
BEAUTIFUL, YOU’RE BEAUTI-- Not you!!!
Her! Get out of the way bitch! God, YOU?
I am SO sure. Hey everyone, she thought I
was singing to her—what a loser!!! Let’s all
laugh at her unrealistic self-worth…
HAHAHAHEHEHE!
Accelerate Into the Brake Lights
…and other So Fla Driving Tips
--Holding a cell phone up to your head
is mandatory, even if it’s disconnected
--Cyclists and pedestrians are your
deadly enemy
--Right turn on red implies at 25 mph
Q & A
When is the proper time to honk so
everyone knows that you are in a hurry
and they need to get out of your way?
ANSWER: Never stop honking. A firm,
even pressure on the horn is the best
way to get “others” to move. I mean,
that’s what it’s there for, the horn, to
let people know you want to go…
World Bank’s Wolfowitz
Caught Being Corrupt
Paul Wolfowitz, architect of the fabulously successful
war plan in Iraq, acknowledged he abused his new
position as chief of the World Bank to give a cushy
job to a girlfriend.
Conservatives were quick to jump to his defense.
“He’s being persecuted because he wants to root out
third-world nepotism.” Said uber-asshole Sean Hannity.
“They want to smear him so he wouldn’t expose their
malfeasance.”
Such as giving a $194K a year to his latest fuck?
“Exactly. That’s precisely the sort of thing that is
unacceptable when it is being done by someone in
a poor country, someone who isn’t one of our
small, fanatical, right-wing Christian cabal that has
rolled in its’ power like a pig in slop since certain
stolen elections in ’00 and ’04.” Hannity was unusually
candid, as he was on painkillers recently copped from
another reactionary fascist name o’Limbaugh.
Kind of makes you wonder what’s going on,
doesn’t it? As top Bush administration officials get
drummed out for stupidity, they landnicely-remunerated
positions totally out of sync with the poor performance
they just turned in. Example: J. Paul Bremer.
Capitalism rewards the productive and punishes the
inefficient, right? Isn’t that our mantra, especially when
it comes to blue-collar workers? So why reward
executive incompetence?
Almost makes you think the whole Iraq thing went
exactly as some thought all along, making billionaires
out the millionaires at Halliburton, Exxon, etc
GOOD GOSSIP
Hollywood Stars Wait to Find
Out From Their Publicists Who
Their New Dating Partners Will Be
The social scene in Tinseltown took a break as PR
flacks from CMA and William Morris feverishly tried
to figure out who will supposedly be couples.
Stars such as Reese Witherspoon, Scarlet
Johansson, Justin Timberlake, and Josh Hartnett
were anxiously awaiting to hear who their new
lovers were as they stayed home, worked out, and
hung with their real, “boring” partners.
“The only thing we’re sure of is Reese and
Jake Gylenhaal, because they star in a movie
(‘Rendition’) coming out. Everyone else is up in the
air.” said a harried Stu Schickelson, unpaid intern
to high-powered superagent Henry Glick.
“The guy from Entourage may be with the chick
from Sabrina, I think, and Bea Arthur and Rip Torn
may have a December-December romance. No
one knows. After the first few couple form, the rest
fall into place.”
“A bunch of bored old ladies and stupid
sub-humans need to follow every twist and turn of
the people they recognize from movies and TV—
it makes them feel like they are part of something
bigger, which is way better than merely the buyer
of an entertainment product. These shut-ins and
kept-outs MUST have celebrity scandals and
beautiful people coupling to populate their thin,
sad inner world and flesh out their sick little sexual
fantasies,” said Geoff von Tiedeman, a pompous
windbag teaching assistant from SlipperyRock
University, his fleshy jowls jumping with animation
as he spoke.
“I don’t care what girl they say I’m dating,” said
an anonymous ‘JT,’ “I like picking up black guys in
Silverlake after the gay bars close. I mean, I was
a Mouseketeer, sang in a boy band, AND seduced
by Michael Jackson at Neverland Ranch. It doesn’t
get gayer than me. But people won’t buy records
from a fag, so I play this game.”
Anna Nicole’s Baby:“I’m Outta Here!”
Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl snuck off from the circus that had become her life when she realized the “adults” around here were more interested in money and fame and status than her well-being.
“I tied some sheets together and lowered myself onto the balcony below while my nanny was getting schlonged by the security guard, and used diamonds I had hidden in my butt to finance a trip to Hong Kong. There, I assumed a new identity as an unwanted Chinese orphan. Right now I’m in the process of getting adopted by a normal couple from Racine, Wisconsin.” Daniellynn gurgled.
Her ‘father,’ Larry Birkhead, was in court at the time having financial records examined to see how much he could scam.
“I really dodged a bullet there. He’s a total moron. Can’t believe his sperm were the quickest and smartest. Competition must have been weak. I actually would have preferred the creepy old Count guy….that would have been a hoot at least, and he could change mine and Zsa Zsa’s diapers at the same time.”
Drunken Swimmer Magazine Asks:
Are You a Jellyfish, or a Plastic Bag?
I don’t know if I care too
much, or if I’m just getting
cranky in my old age, but
Jimmy’s Corn-Cracking is
really starting to bother me
These Bitter Times are a sad failure.
And soon we’ll be expanding! Yes,
when I can figure out how to cut and
paste and upload, you will get all the
shallow indifferent shit I’ve palming
off on all of you, only via the Internet!
(patent pending Al Gore)…to contact: