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Citizen Khan – Episode 6

Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!

Episode 6 – The Khans’ Anniversary

Aliya Khan: I thought Dad was going to ______!

Shazia Khan: ______!

Aliya:____?

Shazia:____!

Mr Khan: Come on – get ready! ______!

Shazia:Oh, what? ______?

Mr K:To pray, of course! And ______of the new Pakistani Business Association – Mr Javed! I want him to see ______! You see? ______!

Mrs Khan: No, I’m not – ______!______?

Mr K:Cold? ______!

Mrs K:You’re wearing your long johns!

Mr K:______?

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:Eh?

Shazia:Please, Dad, ______!

Aliya:______, Papaji!

Mr K:______! I tell you – ______! Wearing hijab – not only preserves her modesty, ______!

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:No! ______, and I say it stays off!

Mrs K:Fine – ______!

Mr K:Very well – ______– since it is special day!

Aliya:______?

Mr K:______!

Shazia:Oh, ______!

Amjad Malik: Congratulations, sir!______?

Mr K:______!

Amjad:Wow!

Mr K:Yes! ______!

Amjad:Right! ______?

Mr K:______!

Amjad:Amazing! ______!

Shazia:It’s a real achievement – ______!

Mr K:Thank you, Shazia!

Shazia:______! Oh, you should take her away, ______! Like the Caribbean, or the Maldives!

Mr K:Or Pakistan! Did you know, Pakistan is now ______tourist destination in Asia! Good, eh?

Aliya:What about tonight? ______?

Mr K:Yes!

Shazia:______!

Mr K:______!

Shazia:______! Do you remember on Mum’s-

Mr K:Hello? ______? Have I got invisible voice? I said I’ve got something planned, OK? Very special evening – ______! I can’t do this – ______!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:______!

Mr K:Sweetie – ______?

Mrs K:Oh, no! ______!

Mr K:______?

Mrs K:From the Guptas! They can’t come to Shazia’s wedding!

Mr K:Oh, well!

Mrs K:They don’t even give a reason!

Mr K:Indians, you see – ______! Now come on – ______!

Mrs K:But ______!

Mr K:Good! Less people sponging off me!______!

Mrs K:But we’ve already agreed the numbers with the caterers – ______!

Shazia:Oh! If we’re inviting extra people, I’d like ______!

Mr K:No, no, no! We can’t go on feeding every Tom, Dick and Mohammed!______? Sir Bob bleeding Geldof?

Shazia:Matt and Debbie from work ______!

Mr K:No, no, no bloody way! This is a Pakistani wedding! “Matt and Debbie” ______!

Shazia:Please don’t tell me ______at our wedding!

Mr K:Bob Geldof ______– ______! No! If we have to have someone, we’ll invite Mr Javed and his family!

Shazia:______! We don’t want to do our nikah[marriage contract] in front of complete strangers!

Mr K:______, you know! Mr Javed is a very important man!

Shazia:______to suck up to your business mates!

Mr K:Why not? ______!

Mrs K:I know! We’ll invite the Parvezes!

Mr K:___?

Mrs K:SaminaParvez! ______– ______before they moved to Woking! Had a little boy – Imran – used to play with Shazia!

Shazia:______!

Mrs K:______!______!

Mr K:But Sweetie – I want to invite Mr Javed!

Mrs K:I have to have Samina at the wedding – ______!

Aliya:______!

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:No! Look, ______, I’m paying for this wedding, ______!

Mrs K:Here – ______!

Mr K:No, I won’t – ______!

Mrs K:Chalo [Come on]!

Mrs K:Ooh!

Mr K:Come on, ______!

Dave:See, every time I go into this, ______!

Riaz:Oh, yeah!

Omar:______?

Riaz, Omar: As-salaamualeikum, Mr Khan!

Mr K:Waaleikum salaam, boys!

Dave:As-salaamualeikum!

Mr K:Hello, Dave!

Omar:______?

Mr K:Yes, of course! But I’m also here ______of the SPBA, Mr Javed – ______!______?

Riaz:______?

Mr K:______?______? Does he have a serious medical condition? These are things you need to know ______!

Riaz:______!

Mr K:Dave?

Dave:______, Mr Khan!

Mr K:Well ______?

Dave:______!

Mr K:Oh, ______, Dave! This is the problem with you gingers – ______!

Dave:It’s this new spreadsheet program – I thought it might streamline the mosque’s booking system, ______!

Omar:______!

Riaz:______! He caught it from a goat! Not like that – ______!

Mr K:Right, come on, ______– ______!

Dave:Right. So every time I open up this spreadsheet thingy, ______and then______, and nothing seems to er- work, and then- ______?

Mr K:______!

Dave:______!

Mr K:______!

Dave:You know this computer should really only be used for mosque business, Mr Khan!

Mr K:Well ______, and ______!

Riaz:______!

Dave:That’s not what I meant!

Mr K:And ______!

Dave:______?

Mr K:Wedding invitation! Mrs Khan has suddenly remembered ______!

Dave:The Parvez family?

Mr K:Yes – ______.

Riaz:Had the boy with the funny eye?

Mr K:That’s it!

Dave:______!

Mr K:So?

Dave:Again ______, is it, Mr Khan?

Mr K:You know, Dave, all this penny pinching, it’s a very unattractive trait! Mr Javed! Oh, Mr Javed!

Mr Javed: As-salaamualeikum!

Dave:Waaleikum salaam!

Mr K:Waaleikum salaam!

Mr J:______, am I?

Mr K:______– ______!

Mr J:Actually it’s er, ______!______– SPBA business!

Dave:______, Mr Javed!

Mr J:Er, ______, ______!

Dave:______!

Mr K:Mr Javed, sir!

Mr J:Yes?

Mr K:I wanted to – ______!

Mr J:Erm-

Mr K:Yes – ______– ______! I was going to put it in the post, but - now that you’re here –

Mr J:Er – thank you! ______!

Mr K:______? ______!

Mr J:Khodahafez![May God be your guardian]

Mr K:Khodahafez! Let me get the door! Oh, goodbye! ______!

Omar:I thought that invitation was for the man with the cross-eyed children!

Mr K:Mr Javed is ______! ______to have him at my daughter’s wedding!

Dave:______?

Mr K:Of course – ______!

Dave:______?

Mr K:Dave – what you have to understand is, that in Pakistani marriage______! He’s the boss, and ______– but sometimes, it’s best ______, because ______, and only worry and fuss – and ______!

Mrs K:This is prayers! ______!

Amjad:______, anybody could just come in and take them, couldn’t they?

Mr K:______!

Amjad:So I thought, if I can keep hold of one, then ______!

Mr K:Amjad!

Amjad:______, are they? They’re going to want both, you see, ’cause ______!

Mr K:Amjad!

Amjad:Yes, sir?

Mr K:______!

Amjad:______– ______!

Shazia:______!

Amjad:Oh, no!

Mrs K:Did you post the Parvezes’ invitation?

Mr K:You know, I’ve never realised ______!

Mrs K:Hello? ______?

Mr K:Still, ______! ______! Do you know Tesco now serves halal meat? Every little helps, haina?

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:______! OK? ____! ______!

Mrs K:Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Mr K:______! Limbering up! Very religious woman!

Mrs K:______! How could you do this? ______! And in the house of God of all places!______!

Mr K:______! And we never see the Parvezes anyway!

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:All right, all right, ______– ______why I didn’t send out the Parvezes’ invitation!

Mrs K:______?______?

Mr K:______, but – you remember – the son – Imran, ______-

Mrs K:______, hah?

Mr K:Yes, well he had er- ______for Shazia!

Mrs K:_____ – ____ – ______?

Mr K:Not – ______– ______!

Mrs K:So?

Mr K:So what if he never got over her?______? What if we invited them to the wedding and ______?______– “Oh, Shazia, ______! Don’t marry Amjad – ______! Come away with me! I can get my eye fixed – ______!”

Mrs K:That would have been awful!

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:Thank God ______!

Mr K:You see? You think ______, but I do! Mrs Khan, ______, ______! Hey! Move along now!

Mr K:Mr Javed! Psst! Psst!Hai,Javed!

Amjad:Everything all right?

Mr K:______, Amjad!

Amjad:______with Mrs Khan?

Mr K:______! Hello, Mr Khan speaking! Hello, Mrs Khan!______, darling! Yes, but I’m just about to start praying! I know, but- Yes, I know, but-______that Shazia______with Imran Parvez, is it? OK, sweetie – OK, OK, bye! Goodbye!

Amjad:Oh my God, Shazia!

Mr K:Amjad, people are praying!______!

Amjad:Oh, my God, Shazia! Oh, my God!Oh, my God!Oh, my God!

Mr K:Careful, Amjad – ______! ______!

Amjad:______? How?

Mr K:Amjad, you’re overreacting, ______!

Amjad:But – Imran Parvez! ______! How much I liked Shazia, how ______– and all that time ______– ______!

Mr K:Don’t torture yourself! Trust me, ______!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:All right, he’s got a terrible squint! He probably just winked at her ______!______to squinty peoples!

Amjad:That’s it then! ______!

Mr K:______?

Amjad:______, can we?

Mr K:______!

Amjad:But – Shazia’s got somebody else!

Mr K:______!

Amjad:But what about-

Mr K:______– you just need to forget about Imran Parvez!

Amjad:Imran Parvez! Tell me honestly, ______?

Mr K:______!

Amjad:You would say that – ______! I’m going to see Shazia, tell her we’re finished!

Mr K:Amjad, ______– you’re too upset!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:Amjad, ______!______when you’re like this!Amjad! Oh, God!

Dave:Hey, hey, ______? People are trying to pray out there you know!

Mr K:______? ______!

Dave:______!

Mr K:Dave, we are Muslims!______– ______, ______! ______! ___ – ______!

Amjad:Shazia’s cheated on me!

Dave:What?

Mr K:He thinks that Shazia______!

Dave:Ah! Oh - !

Mr K:I keep telling him it, ______about Imran Parvez-

Amjad:Imran Parvez!

Dave:OK – what you have to remember, Amjad, is that these days ______! Lots of young people ______before they get married!

Amjad:______!

Dave:Yeah, sure, technically it’s forbidden, but doing things some people deem inappropriate doesn’t ______! Certainly ______, I had a few liaisons myself!

Mr K:______!

Dave:And ______!

Mr K:What? ______! Mind you, there was that time ______, with the girl who was handing out samosas! The Rawalpindi Express, ______!

Dave:______? ______!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:And neither has Imran Parvez!

Amjad:Imran Parvez!______, ______!

Dave:Let’s not do anything hasty!

Mr K:Mr Javed!

Imran:______!

Dave:All right, Amjad, ______?

Mr K:Well, it looks like you’ve got this ______! Just don’t mention Imran Parvez!

Amjad:Imran Parvez!

Mr K:Mr Javed! (Urdu words)

Mr K:Mr Javed was ______to Shazia’s wedding! You see, beti, this is the secret of business relationships – ______!

Aliya:______?

Mrs K:Where’s Shazia?

Aliya:______– ___?

Mrs K:Everyone’s talking about her and Imran Parvez – it’s all over Sparkhill!

Mr K:______?

Mrs K:Mrs Ramiz told Mrs Shafik who told Mrs Jalil, apparently – ______!

Mr K:You know, I’ve got a very special evening planned for you later!______!

Mrs K:Maybe there’s more to this Imran Parvez business ______– because there’s ______!

Mr K:______! It’s just a schoolboy crush!

Aliya:______!

Mr K:You see – ______!

Aliya:______!

Mr K:Yes!

Aliya:______, _____ – ______!

Mrs K:Oh, my God – ______-

Mr K:What?

Mrs K:Well you know we were down here, and they were up there, and we thought they were – when – all the time they were actually-

Mr K:____?

Mrs K:Of course! ______! Samina said it was because of Rafik’s work, but ______!

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:But now I think about it, ______, you know, that funny eye!

Mr K:______here – you’re as bad as Amjad!

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:Yes!

Mrs K:How?

Mr K:Erm–

Mrs K:Aliya, ______!

Aliya:______! All right!

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:But what if he tells Mrs Malik? ______!

Mr K:Chillax, sweetie! He’s not going to tell Mrs Malik – ______– ______!______?

Aliya:Mrs Malik!

Mrs K:No! ______?

Aliya:Well you said see who it is!

Mrs K:Go out and stall her!

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:______!

Mr K:Mrs Malik! ______!

Mrs M:Mr Khan – I must speak with you and Mrs Khan ______!

Mr K:Well that could be a bit tricky, you see – ______! I’d ask you to join us, but ______– especially for ______, eh?

Mrs M:Mr Khan-

Mr K:Goodbye, Mrs Malik!

Mrs M:______!

Mr K:Well you’d better ______then, eh?

Mrs M:I need to talk about Amjad and Shazia!

Mr K:Well ______?

Mrs M:I have to tell you that ______about Shazia______!

Mr K:______in the Herald?A very interesting piece on drop curbs and off-street parking on the Ivor Road!

Mrs M:Mr Khan!

Mr K:______!

Mrs M:These rumours are most alarming, and now – ______!

Mr K:______!

Mrs M:______?

Mr K:No!

Mrs M:He hasn’t replied to my calls, and Amjad______! I’m worried that ______! What if he’s heard ______about Shazia?

Mr K:All right!

Mrs M:Well?______?

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:Well?

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:That’s it! ______!

Mr K:Maybe ______some chapati flour!

Mrs K:Do you know what it means to have a daughter who’s ______? She’ll be ruined – she’ll be shunned! We’ll all be finished here – ______, ____, ______!

Mr K:______!

Shazia:______?

Mrs K:Nothing, beti, I’m just full of happiness ______! Oh, my God, ______– please, God, ______!

Mr K:______!

Shazia:______? Would someone tell me what’s going on?

Mrs K:______and Imran Parvez!

Shazia:____?

Mr K:______and Imran Parvez- ______-

Shazia:No – ______!

Mr K:______– ______!

Shazia:______?

Mr K:______, ______!

Shazia:______!

Mr K:Shuish!

Shazia:______and Imran Parvez-

Aliya:Sis, that is rank! Hey, ______?

Mr K:Oh, ______?

Mr K:All right, all right, keep your bloody hair on! Mr Javed!

Mr J:Mr Khan! ______?

Mr K:______!

Mr J:I wanted to thank you and Mrs Khan personally for______!

Mr K:______!

Mr J:Is, er, Mrs Khan here?

Mr K:Why don’t we go into the living room? Oh, no, actually- ______?______? It comes with a very thick underlay! Oh – ______?

Mr K:Hello, Dave!

Amjad:Hello, sir!

Mr K:Amjad!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:Oh, ____!

Dave:I persuaded Amjad that ______! The way to settle any dispute is to engage in a dialogue!______, ______!

Mr K:You know, you’re wasted in Sparkhill, Dave – ______!

Dave:Which is why I’ve decided to bring the two sides together! This is Imran Parvez’s uncle!

Mr K:______!

Uncle:As-salaamualeikum!

Mr K:Waaleikum salaam!

Dave:Now the Parvezes are a little bit upset about the suggestion that ______– ______- However, I have managed to persuade them that it’s better to ______!

Mr K:You gingers think of everything, don’t you?______?

Riaz:______!

Mrs K:And I’ve got the Sparkhill Women’s Day Group coffee morning next Tuesday – how am I supposed to-

Shazia:Maybe if you spent more time ______instead of your gossipy mates-

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:Just Dave, Amjad, and Imran Parvez’s uncle!

Mrs K:______!

Shazia:______?

Mrs K:Because you and Imran Wonky-eye were up in your room ______!

Shazia:But we weren’t – ______!

Mrs K: That’s not what we’ve heard!

Shazia:______?______? What kind of an idiot would ______?

Mr K:______, ______!

Shazia:Dad!

Mr K:But it’s OK, beti, ______!

Shazia:______!

Mr K:Oh, yes!

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:Hah!

Mrs K:Why?

Mr K:Well, I was going to invite the Parvezes like you wanted, but then I bumped into Mr Javed, you see, and er-

Mrs K:Are you telling me that ______just so you could invite some business contact who we don’t even know to her wedding?

Mr K:Let’s not get bogged down with who said what to who – ______, ______!

Mrs K:Yes – and now, ______! You are going to go in there and ______, and clear Shazia’s name, and then I’ll be able to ______at the Sparkhill Women’s Day Group ______!

Mr K:___-

Mrs K:__!

Mr K:__!

Shazia:Oh – so I didn’t snog Imran Parvez, so now ______, and ______– is that it?

Mr K:Erm-

Mrs K:___!

Mr K:___!

Shazia:What if I did go out with Imran Parvez? What if I went out with Imran Parvez and then ______?

Mr K:All right, ______!

Shazia:What if I went out with half of Sparkhill – ______?

Mr K:______?

Shazia:______! Don’t you see?______! It doesn’t belong to anyone else – ______! It shouldn’t matter to Amjad______– and ______, either!

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:______?

Mrs K:Of course! ______– we should support her, ______! Oh, I’m so sorry, beti, ______!

Shazia:Mum!

Mrs K:______, ______, ______– and I’m a silly old woman and ______and I-

Shazia:Mum, ______!

Mr K:______, sweetie!

Mr K:Where’s Mr Javed?

Dave:He had to go to his SPBA meeting!

Mrs M:Mrs Khan, ______!

Mrs K:______!

Amjad:Shazia!

Mrs M:Be quiet, Amjad! ______!

Dave:Hey, maybe we should just let the kids______– ______!

Shazia:Please, Mrs Malik-

Mr K:It’s all right, Shazia – ______! Mrs Malik, ______between Shazia and Imran Parvez!

Mrs M:So – ______!

Shazia, Mrs K: No!

Mr K:Please, beti! In fact, I don’t care if ______!

Shazia:Dad, that’s not what I was-

Mr K:Don’tworry, darling – ______! So - ______

______! You know what? ______!

Aliya:______!

Mr K:What you have to remember, Mrs Malik, is this is the modern world – 21st century – ______! I believe women should make their own decisions! ______– ______!

Mrs M:I see! And then I say, ______!

Mr K:OK – but ______?

Mrs M:______– ______, Amjad!

Amjad:No! ______!______, Shazia!

Mrs M:Amjad!

Amjad:I don’t care how many men she’s been with – ______!

Mrs M:Amjad!

Amjad:OK – ____, ____!

Shazia:Oh, buddhu!

Amjad:Oh, laddu!

Mr K:______?

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:Oh, thank goodness!

Mrs M:______– but nobody ever listens to me! Hmm!

Amjad:Mum – ______!

Mrs M:(Urdu words)

Dave:I don’t think conflict’s going to resolve anything – I really think-

Omar:______?

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:Oh!

Mr K:Remember? Like we had on ______?

Mrs K:Of course! From Bert and Tina’s downstairs!______?

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:Oh!

Mr K:And look!

Mrs K:______! ______! You know, when we were young, ______!

Mr K:______!______!______!