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Citizen Khan – Episode 5
Citizen Khan
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!
Episode 5 - The Cricket Match
Aliya Khan: Oh, is this the new telly?
Shazia Khan: ____, isn’t it? ______!
Amjad Malik: It’s 42 inch plasma screen – ten eighty pixel high definition! The contrast ratio and depth of field are so good______!
Aliya:It’s Deal or No Deal!
Shazia:______– ______!
Amjad:You never know what’s in the boxes!
Aliya:You’re such losers watching TV –______!
Shazia:______!
Aliya:______!
Shazia:______! Ta ra! Shame!
Amjad:Oh, no! ______! Oh, wait – ______!
Mrs Khan: Turn that thing down! ______!
Shazia:We can’t find the remote!
Mrs K:Oh – ______! I hope you’re keeping everything tidy in here – ______!
Aliya:______! ______?
Mrs K:______– Mrs Shafiq’s husband died, and I’m holding a prayer meeting for her! And ______!
Aliya:But ______!______!
Mrs K:And ______!
Aliya:But the-
Mrs K:______! The entire family’s reputation is at stake!
Mr Khan: Hello! ______!
Aliya:Fine! ______!
Mrs K:______! Amjad -______!
Shazia:Don’t worry, budhoo, ______!
Amjad:OK!
Mr K:You shouldn’t be parked there! It’s my house and ______! Try and ______!
Amjad:Hello, sir!
Mr K:Oh, hello, Amjad!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:______! Come for Mrs Akmal! I told him, if you want to collect people, ______! If there’s no space, ______until there is space! Mrs Akmal’s______!
Amjad:Poor Mrs Akmal! ______!
Mr K:______! She presses that bloody panic button ______! Probably ______! Get the bus to Asda ______! God! Here – help me get these in!
Amjad:______, sir?
Mr K:______!______from Cash and Carry!______! Who needs energy saving? ______!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:Of course! ______!
Mr K:So – what do you think of the new TV? Good, eh?
Amjad:Yes, sir – ______! It’s like ______as Noel Edmonds!
Mr K:Well, ______!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:______! England v Pakistan, ______! Pakistan zindabad! Pakistan zindabad!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:You know, I used to be a bit of a player ______, you know!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Khan’s on ninety nine!Lillee bowls! He smashes it for six! He can’t escape!
Amjad:_____, ___!
Mr K:It’s OK!______! Now, ______?
Amjad:______! Me and Shazia are ______! Mamma Mia’s!
Mr K:______, boy, but I tell you what – ______!Pakistan zindabad! Pakistan zindabad! Oh, _____, ______!
Mrs K:______! ______? We’re supposed to be in mourning, remember?
Mr K:We are? ______?
Mrs K:Mrs Shafiq’s husband!
Mr K:Oh, no! Oh, dear!______! Who’s Mrs Shafiq?
Mrs K:______! She’s coming round with ______for prayers!
Mr K:But sweetie!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:OK, but-
Mrs K:______– so ______, they’ll tear me to shreds and I’ll never be able to ______!______!
Mr K:But ______!
Mrs K:So?
Mr K:So what is the point in paying a special one pound fifty a month for twenty five years hire purchase price for brandnew, previously used for demonstration purposes plasma TV if I can’t even______?
Mrs K:______– we’re holding funeral prayers. ______, ______!
Mr K:You think you have control of this house, don’t you?______– __, ______! ______, ______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:So, ______?
Mr K:______!
Keith:______, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Hello, Keith!
Keith:As-salaamualeikum, Mr Khan!
Mr K:______!
Keith:______? Bet the picture’s good, is it? Better than my old set! ______– ______!
Mr K:______?
Keith:No, nothing! Just – you know, maybe I could ______!______, in case I wanted to upgrade!
Mr K:We’ve only got Al-Jazeera!
Keith:Oh!
Mr K:Do you hear that? No squeak! ______! What’s yours? Very whizz, isn’t it?______!
Radio commentator: _____, ______! Today’s eagerly anticipated twenty-twenty match here at Trent Bridge ______is expected to be a cracker! Stuart Broad will lead out his young side in a must win-
Mr K:Pakistan!
Riaz:Zindabad!
Mr K:Pakistan!
Riaz:Zindabad!
Mr K:Get the pakoras out, ______!
Riaz:As-salaamualeikum, Mr Khan there!
Mr K:Waaleikum salaam, Riaz!______?
Riaz:Oh, yes – ______!
Mr K:______! ______– big fan of the cricket?
Omar:Er – ______!
Mr K:Of course you have!
Omar:Er – football is the big game in Somalia! The Ocean Stars are the national team. Unfortunately ______because of the terrible civil war which is still going on!
Mr K:You see? ______!
Omar:______!
Mr K:What? This isn’t the dark ages!______! ______–______!
Omar:But what about Dave?
Mr K:Don’t worry about him! This is going to be great!
Mr K:Pakistan!
Riaz:Zindabad!
Mr K:Pakistan!
Riaz:Zindabad!
Dave:As-salaamualeikum!
Mr K:Hello, Dave!
Dave:______, ______?
Mr K:Well for a starters, ______! Seriously, Dave, ______! What part of “I’m not your brother” ______?
Dave:Well I just thought ______and-
Mr K:______!
Dave:-you know, ______-
Mr K:_____!
Dave:-and you call me Dave, so ______-
Mr K:______!
Dave:Right!______, ______?
Mr K:Fine, thank you, Dave! ______?
Dave:______?
Mr K:______! England v Pakistan!______, aren’t we, boys?
Riaz:Oh, yes! Pakistan –
Riaz, Mr K: - zindabad!
Omar:Zindabad!
Dave:Right! Well I was just trying ______for the mosque ______!
Mr K:______?
Dave:It’s a new thing, ______! I thought it’d be a good way ______!
Mr K:______? ______, Dave, not LA Fitness! And this is no good – “______”? We’re Muslim, Dave, remember?
Dave:I suppose ______!______, but I’m still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow! The cricket!
Mr K:Oh, right – well! ______! You know, being a Muslim isn’t just about growing beards and ______, you know!
Riaz:______?
Mr K:Oh, no! It’s the whole package –______! ______! ______!
Riaz:The three C’s?
Mr K:______! Pakistan!
Riaz, Omar: Zindabad!
Dave:Reception’s not great, I’m afraid, but er, if you twiddle the aerial a bit, ______!
Mr K:______?
Dave:______!
Mr K:______! That’s a bloody microwave! Where’s the other one – ______?
Dave:Oh, er, ______!______raised objections!
Mr K:See – ______! In Pakistani community, ______!______! Womens are more like dirty rascal! We don’t get rid of the TV ______! You think I got teeny tiny ______? I’ve got brand new 42 inch plasma hi fi def jam surroundysoundy! You can’t expect us ______!
Dave:It is a conundrum!
Mr K:Conundrum?______!
Dave:What to do?
Riaz:______!
Mr K:____?
Omar:We were thinking ______!
Mr K:______, but-
Dave:______! It’d be like ______!
Mr K:______, Dave-
Riaz:I thought you had the 42 inch surroundysoundy!
Mr K:______!
Omar:______?
Riaz:You don’t have the surroundysoundy?
Mr K:Yes, but-
Dave:That’s settled then – ______!
Mr K:Right! Fine! ______!______!
Riaz:Green Army!
Omar:Green Army!
Riaz:Green Army!
Omar:Green Army!
Dave:______!
Mr K:Sweetie darling, ______erm,______!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:______and help with your ladies’ prayer thing ______!
Mrs K:OK, but all of the ladies have arrived – ______!
Mr K:______! ______!
Mrs K:____?
Mr K:You know, excellent, that ______, ______!
Mrs K:I think Mrs Shafiq will appreciate it, don’t you?
Mr K:______– ______! Her only regret will be, she doesn’t have ______, just so you could do it ______!
Mrs K:______!______? Does it seem calm?
Mr K:Yes!
Mrs K:Good, because ______, and reading from the Quran-
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:-and there should be an atmosphere of quiet contemplation!
Mr K:Look, it’s fine – ______! Now chillax, my sweetie darling! ______, ______, ______– OK?
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Of course – ______!
Mrs K:OK!
Riaz:Pakistan zinda-
Mr K:Shush! Oh, God!______, ______! And ______!
Riaz:______? The Missus?
Mr K:No, ______! It’s the neighbour – ______! ______, he’ll think I’ve brought the family over from the villages!
Riaz:Are you going to put your lucky pads on?
Mr K:_____!
Dave:Who should I be cheering for, by the way? ______?
Mr K:______, Dave! On one hand, ______, backward country, home to ______– on the other hand, ______!
Dave:Right – ______, though, so er –
Mr K:______, Dave, you have to support Pakistan – ______!
Dave:Ah, what about Bangladesh?
Mr K:______, Dave!
Riaz:Pakistan are batting – we need a hundred and fifty runs to win!
Dave:Hurray!
Riaz:Pakistan zindabad!
Mr K:Shush!
Omar:Zindabad!
Mr K:Shush!
Dave:Right, ______! ______?
Mr K:Oh, bugger! ______!
Riaz:______, let’s go!
Mr K:No, wait – ______!
Mr K:Oh, God!Amjad!
Amjad:Hello, sir!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:I’ve come to collect Shazia – ______!
Mr K:______!
Amjad:Oh, no – ______?
Mr K:______– I’ve got some of the boys over from the mosque, and ______, OK?
Voices:Pakistan zindabad!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Amjad-
Amjad:______-
Mr K:Amjad!
Amjad:Mamma Mia’s! I’m going to have a Magnum and Shazia’s going to have a Cornetto!
Mr K:Amjad!
Amjad:Yes, sir?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:OK!
Mr K:Now, I need you to ______and wire it all up!
Amjad:Got you!
Mr K:______, don’t you?
Amjad:Yes, sir – I’m very technologically accomplished!
Mr K:But here’s the- but ______– ______, doing some of the mourning and the prayers and so forth.
Amjad:Oh yes – oh no, ______!
Mr K:Amjad, ______!______, remember!
Amjad:Right!
Mr K:______, I don’t want to ______– dead people can be a real downer!
Amjad:Sure!
Mr K:Now, I’ll make sure Mrs Khan is out of the way, and ______!
Amjad:So you want me to ______?
Mr K:Of course not!______, ______!
Amjad:Oh! So ______?
Mr K:No-
Amjad:______?
Mr K:No!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:Amjad! Relax!______! That’s it!______. ______, have a nice time, but don’t let them ______!
Amjad:Oh! OK!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:Duh, ______!
Mr K:Amjad!
Amjad:______!
Mrs Malik: Mrs Khan!
Mrs K:Mrs Malik!
Mrs M:______– Mr Shafiq______!
Mrs K:Terrible shame! ______!
Mrs M:______?
Mrs K:Well ______, but he always said hello when we met in Asda!
Mrs M:Mm hm! Asda! Accha! [good]Of course, Mr Malik was ______! Just as I am with poor Mrs Shafiq!______, I always assumed that ______!
Mrs K:Well ______! I’ll save you some pecoras!
Mrs M:Ah – er, erm-______! Ah – she’s finished!
Mrs K:______!
Mrs M:______!
Mrs K:______to hear of your husband’s passing!
Mrs M:______!______!
Mrs Shafiq: It is God’s will!
Mrs K:But I’m so glad that ______!______!
Mrs M:Yes – ______!
Mrs K:______Mr Malik couldn’t be here, seeing as he and Mr Shafiq were ______! ______– he’s devastated by your loss!
Mr K:I was moved ______as a tribute to Mr Shafiq!
Mrs K:Er, my husband would like to ______!
Mr K:Mrs Shafiq, ______! Mrs Shafiq, ______!
Mrs S:As-salaamualeikum!
Mr K:Your husband was ______– I should know, I myself, ______– my name’s Mr Khan, community leader – ______!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:______! This is a very distressing time for me too, you know!
Commentator: It could be six –
Mr K:(noises)
Com:He’s out!
Mr K:(groans) ______! I’m limbering up!______, you’ve got to be in good voice!
Mrs K:______, and the ladies are going to be doing prayers in here!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:Psst! Amjad, ______! Excuse me!As-salaamualeikum! ______!______!______– jaldi!
Aliya:___!
Mr K:Aliya!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:__, ______!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:______!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:______? What are we doing with the te- ______, Amjad?
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______– brilliant! ______!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:No!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:No!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:Yes!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:Yes!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:Yes!
Aliya:Thanks – I’ll get the door for you!
Riaz:Zindabad!
Mr K:Shh!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______!
Dave:Are you going to plug it in?
Riaz:______?
Mr K:______!
Omar:Oh yes – the remote!
Mr K:______!______– oh, God!
Omar:______?
Mr K:____?
Omar:Crips and that!
Mr K:______!
Dave:______!
Mr K:____?
Dave:I can say as-salaamualeikum to Mrs Khan!
Mr K:No you don’t – ______! ______?
Riaz:______!
Mr K:______?
Riaz:I had two cans of Fanta on the way here!
Omar:He was chugging it!
Mr K:Occupied – ______?
Riaz:No!
Dave:______!
Mr K:______! And put those cushions back! And you – ______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Amjad – ______!
Amjad:Thank you, sir!
Shazia:Dad!
Mr K:Oh! ______?______– is it Amjad?
Shazia:______!
Mr K:Well – ______!______?
Shazia:Well she’s holding prayers for the dead!
Mr K:______! Right – go on then!
Shazia:Right, well, we’ve been planning this trip to the theatre for ages, and I thought ______as much as I was, but now, ______!
Mr K:______!
Shazia:______!______!
Mr K:Well – ______!
Shazia:______!
Mr K:OK!
Shazia:I’m going to go and tell Mrs Malik right now!
Mr K:No! Darling, he’ll turn up eventually! You know, sometimes, ______– to be a man, and think about – ______– like cars, or DIY – or sometimes, ______, like this!
Shazia:______!
Mr K:______– see!
Shazia:But ______!
Mr K:Well ______, is it? Look – this wouldn’t be a problem ______! And you’re not – and ______, and ______– and quite frankly, ______!
Mr K:Mrs Khan, ______– you know, this praying can be thirsty work, no?
Mrs K:Oh, ______, thank you!
Mr K:Not at all!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:You know me – ______!
Mrs K:You know, Mr Malik wouldn’t even give his wife a lift – ______!
Mr K:What a rotter!
Mrs K:You know, if you want to be really helpful, maybe you could ______!
Mr K:Of course - what?
Mrs K:We’re just finishing our final prayers, and then ______!
Mr K:But sweetie – ______!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______?
Dave:None of these work – we think it might be your aerial!
Omar:Ah – this is your main TV feed! ______!
Mr K:______!
Riaz:It’s the last over!______!
Mr K:Amjad, ______?
Amjad:______!
Riaz:Come on – get your lucky pads on!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:___?
Amjad:Shazia! I think ______about missing Mamma Mia’s!
Mr K:______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:I keep telling you – she doesn’t give a bloody monkey’s!
Dave:______?
Mr K:No!
Omar:If the lead is long enough, we can feed it off the aerial of the neighbour!
Mr K:______! Look, Shazia’sin with the ladies now, helping with the dead man’s prayers – ______!
Amjad:I think ______!
Mr K:Look, ______! Sometimes women say they want to be in charge, but really, ______! It makes them feel ______! As we say in Pakistan, all snuggly buggly!
Amjad:But sometimes, ______, like the other day-
Mr K:Yes?
Amjad:-______, and ______–
Mr K:______, yes?
Amjad:- and I couldn’t decide whether to have a kebab or a roti, so I was like, “______?______?” And Shazia said, “Amjad, have a roti – ______!” ______!
Mr K:______! Now, ______?
Amjad:I think ______!
Mr K:Oh, God!
Omar:______!
Mr K:______?
Omar:This is how we used to watch Homes Underneath the Hammer in Somalia!
Dave:______! I knew we should’ve stayed at the mosque!
Mr K:____, ______!
Mr K:Oh, God!
Keith:Hi!
Mr K:______?
Keith:______the cricket’s on round mine if you want to watch it!
Mr K:No, thank you!
Keith:Well ______!
Mr K:No, thank you – ______!
Keith:______?
Mr K:These are prayer pads – ______whilst you’re praying!
Keith:Oh, right – and that?
Mr K:This – is a Muslim religious artefact!
Keith:______!
Mr K:That proves ______, and therefore, a bloody racialist!Thank you - goodbye!
Mr K:Ah! Excuse me!
Mrs S:______, ______!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Nothing! ______!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:I was offering Mrs Shafiq my condolences!
Mrs K:Oh, Mrs Shafiq, I’m so sorry!______at work lately! And he’s really, really, very upset about your husband’s passing!
Mr K:Yes – ______!
Mrs K:______!
Mrs K:______?
Dave:As-salaamualeikum, Mrs Khan! Omar got the aerial working!
Mr K:______!
Shazia:Amjad!
Amjad:______!
Shazia:Why, Dad?
Mr K:______!
Mrs S:______, and ______, ______, and ______!
Mrs K:Oh, my God!
Mrs S:______! ______
______!
Mrs K:No, no, no, she isn’t!______! Where’s Alia?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:Oh, my God – ______!
Omar:______!
Mrs M:______!Amjad – come and help me with Mrs Shafiq!
Shazia: ______, ______!
Amjad:Butladoo, I don’t-
Mrs K:No, please, please don’t go, please! Here, have some more food – ______– ______, please don’t go – please don’t go!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:______that Mr Shafiq was such a huge fan of Abba?
Mrs S:Oh, yes – ______!