Know Who You Are and Are Not

HABIT SEVEN

Know Who You Are and Are Not

“But by the grace of God I am what I am,
and his grace to me was not without effect.
No, I worked harder than all of them — yet not I,
but the grace of God that was with me.”

I Corinthians 15:10

In reading about this habit, you will begin at a new level to discover who God made you to be and what you do well. Such a discovery can introduce you to new levels of confidence, strength, self-satisfaction, and joy. At the same time, it can free you from covetousness, jealousy, and envy of others’ successes.

After serving since 1965 in my chosen career, I have learned the importance of recognizing both who I am and who I am not. Coming to terms with this has introduced me to levels of peace and a freedom from covetousness that I could never have experienced under the old paradigm. Career decisions are easier. I judge others less. I am less jealous of others’ successes and less proud of my own. I am freer to enjoy and appreciate who God made me to be. I am also freer to enjoy others and who God made them to be.

The Five Selves

Years ago, a friend loaned me an old textbook on behavior and advised me to read it. In it, I learned some ideas about how to evaluate who we really are. I learned that it is simplistic to think there is only one perception of our self. There are multiple perceptions in even our own minds and the minds of those who “know” us. Let’s look at these perceptions — the five selves.

Table 7-1. The Five Perceptions of Self

Self / Perception
First Self / The self I want to be
Second Self / The self I think I am
Third Self / The self I think others believe I am
Fourth Self / The self others believe I am
Fifth Self / The real self no one but God knows

The first self is the self I want to be (Figure 7-1). I imagine what I would like to be, do, or am becoming. Before long, I have adopted those imagined images as my own impression of who I am — my hoped-for self. However, as you know, what is imagined is not necessarily real. It often is not. We could call it the “dreamed self.” With careful thought, we can separate our true self from our imagined, successful self. However, it usually requires a dose of honesty and self-criticism.

Figure 7-1. The first self — the self I want to be.

The second self is the one I think I am (Figure 7-2) — especially in moments of honest reflection. The self we honestly believe we are may, of course, vary with moods. Usually, we all admit that we are not as bad as we think we are when we are down on ourselves. Likewise, we are not as good as we think we are when we are especially happy with ourselves. This second self is neither of those, but somewhere in the middle. The person that I acknowledge in my inner heart is the self I perceive myself to be. We could refer to this as the “admitted self.”

Figure 7-2. The second self — the self I think I am.

The third self is the one I think others believe I am (Figure 7-3). Some spend more time in this exercise than others, but we all imagine what others believe of us. Since we normally care about what people think, this perception is usually important to us. We may have come to terms with the incongruity between our first and second selves — the reality that what we aspire to be is different from what we really are. However, we shudder to think that anyone else would know what we really are. We prefer to think their perception or impression of us is closer to our first self — our ideal self. I call the third one the “I think they believe self” because we only think others believe that way.

Figure 7-3. The third self — the self I think others believe I am.

The fourth self is the one others believe I am (Figure 7-4). What others really believe of us may be considerably different from what we think they believe. Psychologists say that, in reality, we might be surprised how little others actually bother to think of us at all. Much of our worry about what others think is just wasted. Nevertheless, if we ponder these issues, we can appreciate the difference between what we think others believe of us and what others actually believe. Of course, others are the only ones who know what they really believe of us. In addition, they have almost no idea of what we think they believe — unless we talk about it. Let’s call this fourth one the “they actually believe self.”

Figure 7-4. The fourth self — the self others believe I am.

The fifth one is the real self no one but God knows (Figure 7-5) — the one we can only guess at by comparing, contemplating, evaluating, and even discussing the combination of the “dreamed,” “admitted,” “I think they believe,” and “they actually believe” selves. Yet, Christians dare to claim that the fifth self is not only knowable but also known. Of all five selves, knowing this one is the most valuable to each of us. It is the one God knows. He individually created each of us, so he knows our entire makeup. Nothing we ever think or do is hidden from Him. He knows us perfectly — which, of course, is much better than we even know ourselves.

Figure 7-5. The fifth self — the real self no one but God knows.

Knowing the Real Self

The big question for those who want to become all they can be is, “How can I know this fifth self?” The following three thoughts will get us much closer to understanding who we are.

• The Word of God is a mirror. Honest and regular reading of it helps us see ourselves as we really are. When you compare the mirror power of God’s Word with the sacred texts of other religions, our advantage becomes more obvious.
• When the Holy Spirit tells us something, we should truly listen. He has come into the world to convince, teach, and reveal truth. He is willing to — very effectively — point out areas we need to improve.
• In view of the difference between the “I think they believe self” and the “they actually believe self,” we should pay more careful attention to what others say to us and about us. This, too, is a valuable mirror. Certainly, we should disregard some criticism. God can help us recognize unkind, destructive remarks. However, assuming we are listening honestly to wise and caring people, all three of the above thoughts can help us realistically evaluate ourselves.

A major strength of young adults today is their rugged determination to be honest, transparent, and authentic. Others’ honesty will help us as we try to discover the real self. Our personal defense mechanisms sometimes become resistant to what others say about us. It protects us from undue self-condemnation. This can be good — especially if we have been unfairly exposed to too much criticism. On the other hand, this defense mechanism can make us insensitive to learning about ourselves for our own improvement. When that happens, we may have defended ourselves too well. It may insulate us from the very criticisms that can free us from our false impressions.

We must try to find the middle ground. Some of us receive too much peer pressure — we are so sensitive to what others think that we are paranoid. Others are too insensitive and therefore miss the opportunity to improve. We achieve balance when we care enough about personal development in others and ourselves to confront and be confronted — without destroying or being destroyed.

Distinguishing the differences between the five selves can help us improve interpersonal relationships. It can also help us appreciate the importance of truly listening. The person who sings off-key cannot tell he is doing so. Likewise, we can make social, service-related, professional, or personal mistakes. We may simply not be aware of it unless we learn to listen better and with greater sensitivity. Realizing there are different perceptions of one’s self is a significant first step toward knowing who we are (and are not). There may be a vast difference between who we want to be and how others see us. When we recognize this, we are more likely to start listening carefully to others and bring the two perceptions closer together.

Discovering the fifth self (the real self no one knows), however, is more important than the other selves. We should seek to know and improve the real self, not just to develop lofty ego trips and high-sounding dreams. Dreaming of improvement can be helpful to an extent. The human imagination is, after all, a marvelous gift of God. However, preoccupying ourselves with dreams distracts us from making real improvements.

Trying to improve the real self is also more productive than the bondage of muddling along thinking we can never change the admitted self. We should not be bound by what we think our limitations are. To an extent, we need to dream — some of us need to learn to dream — and try to think of ways to improve ourselves. Nonetheless, being caught by the dreamed self leads to too much dreaming and being caught by the admitted self leads to too much discouragement. God can and will help us find the balance and improve realistically.

Trying to improve the real self is much more fruitful than wasting time needlessly worrying about the “I think they believe” self. The self we think others see in us and the self they really see are different. The “we think they believe” self is really just another form of the first self — only imagined in our minds. In the final analysis, what we think others believe is not important. Avoid being preoccupied with what others may believe of you. There are more constructive things to think about.

Developing the real self is far more useful than seeking to know the “actually thought self” — the self people really think we are. As we have noticed, knowing what others really think can lead us to more realistic appraisals. They may help us or want to help us and often do. However, they may have some wrong impressions about us as well. We often call those misunderstandings. Others could think too favorably or too unkindly. In either case, people do not see us as we really are. To be insensitive to their opinions can be a fault, but to be overly preoccupied with their opinions can tie us up. In attempting to please everyone, we please no one, including God and ourselves. The fear of God is superior in such cases to the fear of man. We need to be more attentive in reverential respect to God — we must exercise caution lest we displease Him — rather than being preoccupied with how mere people may think about us.

We have compared each of the first four selves with the fifth self. Now we can conclude that all the first four selves are unimportant compared to the self God sees. God is, after all, the one to impress. God is the Judge. He is the Giver of all eternal rewards. He is the Giver of eternal assignments of real consequences in the next, permanent, and eternal state. Living a life with constant sensitivity to pleasing or displeasing God is what it means to live in the fear of the Lord. We are not acting out of dreadful fear, but out of loving concern lest we displease someone who loves us and whom we love. Proverbs 9:10 says that the fear of the Lord — being concerned about the self God sees — is the beginning of wisdom. There is, however, another very important self God sees to which we now turn our attention.

The Sixth Self

There is a sixth self we have not previously discussed: the self God dreams I could be (Figure 7-6). God is not the only one who may have ideas about what He wants us to become. How many of our parents, friends, and spouses have aspirations for us? Others see less accurately what we could and should become than God does. Only God can see that perfectly. The sixth self, therefore, would be other than, more realistic than, more wonderful than, and certainly more doable than the self we would like to try to be or the self our parents, friends, or spouses imagine we could be.

Figure 7-6. The sixth self — the self God dreams I could be.

God has a realistic dream for us. By working on knowing the real self, we can gradually become more like the one God desires — our best possible self. In this process, we seek to know our gifts and talents, use our strengths, repent of and change any bad habits, and move with confidence in what God is helping us to become. We will eventually discover our sixth self — the one God knows we can become. The sixth self is the one that completely fulfills the will of God for each person. Every Christian is successful to the degree he becomes his best possible self.

Your best possible self is more realistic than your “dreamed self,” more lofty than your “admitted self,” more meaningful than your “I think they believe self,” and more important by far than your “actually thought self.” The only reason it is more important than your present real self is that it is the self God truly wants you to become. His dream for you is absolutely, positively, and surely best. It is the best possible self you could be. If you seek Him, it is the self you will be.

Becoming your best possible self has nothing to do with position, rank, being a salaried Christian worker or volunteer (full-time or part-time), working in church, industry, government, business, or otherwise. It has an entirely different type of criteria. Are we doing what God wants us to do? Are we growing and developing in it so that we are all God wants us to be in whatever position we serve? Paul said, “It has always been my ambition to preach the gospel where Christ was not known …” (Romans 15:20, emphasis mine). Paul was a preacher, but he encouraged the believers in Thessalonica to “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders …” (I Thessalonians 4:11, emphasis mine). He encouraged others to have another kind of ambition. Most believers have jobs and relationships in their communities that provide opportunities for becoming effective “salt in the soup.” Because of that, our generation may be able to win many for Christ if we can keep salt out of the “ministry” and in the soup. You do not have to be a full-time minister of the gospel to become your best possible self — just be a full-time Christian. There is a self God knows that you could be and dreams you will become. For most of us, this self may well be developed most effectively in an arena outside the church.

Table 7-2. The Six Perceptions of Self with Practical Goals

Perception of Self / Goal
The self I want to be / Strive to be all you can be.
The self I think I am / Realistically and humbly face personal limitations. Don’t be an unrealistic dreamer.
The self I think others believe I am / Don’t let your fears about what others think discourage or debilitate you.
The self others believe I am / Learn to listen to others when their appraisal of you can help you improve.
The real self no one but God knows / Seek to see yourself as God sees you. He starts with what is and then works to improve it.
The self God dreams I could be / Dare to discover God’s dreams for you and strive to fulfill them.

That person is successful who becomes the self that God knows he or she could be — the best possible self. The world’s common notion of material success is a long way from the definition of success we are using here. Furthermore, even the Christian’s common notion of “ministry success” is also something other than what we are calling “success.”

The Equation for Calculating Success

The best possible self is God’s very loving and beautiful desire for every Christian. To understand this more fully, look at an equation that includes several variable factors we sometimes overlook.

Success = (Talents + Opportunities + Accomplishments)  Motive

Figure 7-7. The Equation for Calculating Success.

Success (S) is the degree to which we accomplished what we could have for the Lord. It is the extent to which we did God’s will and the degree to which we became our best possible self. Many of us think Success equals Accomplishments, but that is far too simplistic. Some accomplishments are visible, some are not, and some are improperly motivated. God sees and weighs it all. Furthermore, there are other factors, handicaps, and advantages to consider.

The Talents factor (T) includes abilities, consequent responsibilities, inabilities, handicaps, and consequent freedoms from some responsibilities. It has to do with what is in us. We each have a different set of talents which includes unique combinations of physical, mental, and spiritual abilities and gifts. The more talent a person has the greater responsibility for accomplishments. For those with many talents, much is required. For those with few, less is required. God requires what we can do, not what we cannot do. God anticipates what we have to give in life, not what we cannot give. However, He expects us to use the talents He has given us.