Worldwide
Marriage Encounter
Languages
Of
Love
Images of
Languages of Love
Different “Languages”
Different “Dialects”
Emotional “Love Tank”
Emotional Love Tank
On a scale of 0 to 10 (0 the lowest and 10 the highest) how full is my love tank right now?
10 ______
9 ______
8 ______
7 ______
6 ______
5 ______
4 ______
3 ______
2 ______
1 ______
0 ______
Five Love Languages
Profile
HOW TO USE THIS PROFILE
The profiling system, developed by Jim Toole in cooperation with Gary Chapman, will assist you in discovering your primary love language. For those who are certain they already know their primary love language, the profile will serve as confirmation. For those not quite sure which love language is their primary one, the profile will bring clarification.
The format is simple. You will be presented with 30 pairs of statements. Read each pair with this question in mind: Which of these would I prefer to receive from my spouse? You may enjoy both expressions of love, but if you could have only one, which would you, choose? After you have made your choice, circle the X at the end of the statement. Be sure to circle only one X for each set of statements.
For example, if you think that “I like to receive notes of affirmation” describes you better than “I like it when you hug me,” draw a circle around the X in the first statement.
I like to receive notes of affirmationX
I like it when you hug meX
A / B / C / D / E- I like to receive notes of affirmation from you ......
. . / . . / . . / . . / . X
- I like to spend one-to-one time with you ......
. . / . . / . X
- I like it when you give me gifts ......
.X / . X
- I feel loved when you do things to help me ......
. . / . .
. . / . .
. . / . X
. . / . X
- I feel loved when you hold me in your arms ......
. . / . .
. . / . .
. X / . . / . X
A / B / C / D / E
- I like to go places with you ......
. . / . . / . . / . X
- Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me ......
. X / . . / . X
- I like to sit close to you ......
. X / . . / . . / . . / . X
- I like to spend time with you ......
. . / . X
- Your words of acceptance are important to me ......
. . / . . / . . / . X
- I like to be together when we do things ......
. X / . X
- What you do affects me more than what you say ......
. . / . X
- I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism ......
gift ...... / . X
. . / . . / . X
- I feel close when we are talking or doing something together......
. . / . . / . . / . X
- I like for you to compliment my achievements ......
enjoy doing ...... / . X
. . / . . / . . / . X
- I like for you to touch me when you walk by ......
.X / . . / . . / . X
- I feel loved when you help me with my jobs around the house . . . . .
. X / . X
- I like for you to compliment my appearance ......
. . / . X
- I feel secure when you are touching me ......
. . / . .
. . / . .
. . / . .
. X / . X
- I appreciate the many things you do for me ......
. X / . X
A / B / C / D / E
- I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your undivided
I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of service for
me ...... / . .
. . / . X
. . / . . / . X
- I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift ......
. X / . . / . X
- I know you are thinking of me when you give me a gift ......
. . / . .
. . / . X
. . / . X
- I appreciate it when you listen patiently and don’t interrupt me . . . .
. . / . X
. . / . X
- I like to know you are concerned enough to help with my daily
Giving me a gift for no special occasion excites me ...... / . .
. . / . .
. X / . . / . X
- Kissing me unexpectedly excites me ......
. . / . .
. . / . .
. X / . . / . X
- I like to be told that you appreciate me ......
. . / . X
- Your gifts are always special to me ......
. . / . X
. . / . . / . X
- I feel loved when you enthusiastically do some task I have
I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate me ...... / . .
. X / . . / . . / . X
- I need to be touched every day ......
Total each column (All 5 columns should equal 30)
(No one column will have more than 12)
When you finish the profile, total each column vertically.
Dialogue/Sharing
DialogueQuestion:
What are my feelings as we begin this enrichment?
SharingQuestions:
Share how you felt when your emotional love tank was FULL during your dating days.
What did your spouse do that helped you feel loved?
What were our early dating days like? Describe a few dates that stand out to you.
Is marital bliss unattainable -- why or why not?
The media has “images” of what love is. How does this affect how I love my spouse or how I view how my spouse loves me?
Sharing Guidelines
share yourself only, and not your spouse or about your spouse.
share your thoughts, your feelings, and your needs.
if you have a tendency to talk a lot -- please be brief.
if you are the silent type -- please make an effort to share as others are enriched by your lived experience.
Confidentiality and acceptance are what makes sharing so special and powerful -- what is shared in this room stays in this room-- TRUST is very important.
Turn off the urge to:
finish someone else's sentence.
interrupt anyone else's sharing.
judge someone else’s sharing -- such as “I agree” or
“I disagree”.
Falling in Love
Indicators:
Not act of will
Effortless and instinctive, requiring
little discipline
Lack of genuine interest in spouse’s
personal growth
List a few things we did when we were falling in love.
1.2.
3.
Share (in place) what you wrote with your spouse.
1 of 50
Being in Love =
Decision to Love
Indicators:
Emotional but not obsessive
Requires an act of will, effort and discipline
Based on reason
Seeks growth for the spouse
Dialogue/Sharing
DialogueQuestion:
Recall a time when I decided to love my spouse. What are my feelings about that?
SharingQuestions:
What did I think when I first heard that love is a decision?
Share a recent experience of deciding to love my spouse.
What makes it difficult for me to love in this way?
We overlook traits when we are in the ‘in love” stage – now they are seen as mountains. How does that happen?
Do I remember an incident that told me the “honeymoon” was over?
The 5
Love Languages
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Love Language 1
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Using Words That Build Up
Dialects:
Complimentary Words
You look sharp in that suit.
Do you ever look nice in that dress. WOW!
I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight.
I really appreciate you taking out the garbage.
Encouraging Words
You’re the best engineer for that job. You can do it!
If you want to be an artist, you should try it! You are really good.
Kind Words
I understand why you forgot to stop at the store. Don’t worry about it, we can go together.
It’s okay if my new suit isn’t pressed. I can wear the other one to the meeting.
Request Words
I love those apple pies you make, would it be possible for you to make one for me this week?
I would like to spend some time with you. Could we go to a movie tonight?
Words of Praise
You are a wonderful father.
You have a wonderful way of working with people. You sure do help everyone to be a part of the group.
Words of Thanks
Thank you for taking that phone call for me, I wasn’t really up to it.
Thanks for being home on time; it helped me to feel more relaxed about being ready to leave on time.
Exercise
List Some Of Your Spouse’s Positive Traits:
1. ______
2. ______
3. ______
4. ______
5. ______
6. ______
Examples of Positive Traits:
He hasn’t missed a day of work in 12 years.
He makes the house payment every month.
He mows the lawn every week.
He carries out the garbage every week without me asking.
She makes the beds every day.
She is a very neat housekeeper.
She is a great cook.
She does the washing and most of the ironing.
- Share (in place) what you wrote with your spouse.
- Express verbal appreciation to your spouse for one or two things on your list.
Exercise
Write down two things that helped you feel loved, because your spouse verbally affirmed you for positive traits they saw in you.
1. ______
2. ______
DialogueQuestion:
How do I feel when my spouse says positive things about me?
Commitment:
At least once per week, verbally affirm your spouse for a quality or something they do.
Love Language 2
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Doing Things Together
The Activity Is Incidental
Undivided Attentionis Key
Quality Time
Dialects:
Quality Conversation
Share experiences thoughts, feelings, desires, in friendly uninterrupted context
Desire to understand spouse
Listening -- with heart, head, whole body
Draw spouse out with gentle nurturing questions
Examples
Just the two of you going out for dinner and talking
Going for a walk and talking and listening
Turning off the TV and talking to each other
Quality Activities
experience something together
one of you wants to do activity
other spouse is willing to do activity
both of you know WHY you are doing activity
examples
walk in the park
camping
movie, play or symphony orchestra
renting a movie just for the two of you
going to a baseball or football game
Exercise
Learning to Talk:
List 3 things that happened to you yesterday or today and what was the feeling that you had at the time:
1. ______
Feeling: ______
2. ______
Feeling: ______
3. ______
Feeling: ______
Exercise
Make two lists:
1)List activities that I would like my spouse to do with me
a)______
b)______
c)______
d)______
e)______
2)List activities that I think my spouse would like me to do with him/her
a)______
b)______
c)______
d)______
e)______
3)Share (in place)with your spouse what you wrote.
Dialogue/Sharing
DialogueQuestion:
Share a recent time you spent just with each other. What are my feelings as I remember this time?
Sharing Questions:
What new thing did I learn in this presentation and exercise?
How important is “Quality Time” to me?
What makes our time together “Quality time” for me?
What have you done recently with your spouse that you knew he/she would enjoy -- even if it was not a favorite for you?
Commitment:
At least once per month do an activity with your spouse that they like to do. This is a choice by you, not a requirement from your spouse.
Love Language 3
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Visible Symbol Of Love
Cost Of Gift Does Not Matter
Dialects:
Purchased,Found Or Made Gift
Box of candy
Flower from the garden
Homemade card
A Thinking of YOU card
Hidden “love” notes
Batch of cookies
Gift Of Self
Birth of a child
Illness
You may wish to look at the gift as an
Inve$tment
in your Relationship
Exercise
Make a list of all the gifts your spouse has expressed excitement about receiving through the years. (These can be gifts fromyou or from others.)
1. ______
2. ______
3. ______
4. ______
List at least 2 gifts that your spouse gave you that helped you feel loved and special.
1. ______
2. ______
Share (in place) what you wrote with your spouse.
Sharing
Remember:
We are talking about all kinds of gifts here, not just gifts that are expensive, or even purchased. The bouquet of wild flowers is a gift of love.
Sharing Questions:
How important is giving/receiving gifts to me in expressing or experiencing love?
Share a time when you gave a gift and it was not received the way you expected it to be received.
Share a gift that you received that continues to be significant to you today.
Do I look at gifts that are purchased differently than gifts that are made or found? In what way?
Commitment:
At least once per week, surprise your spouse with a gift of love. Remember that it can be a simple flower or a night out to dinner, but it needs to be something you give in order to lift up your spouse with love.
Love Language 4
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Doing Things For Your Spouse
Done Freely With Positive Spirit
Seen As Sign Of Love By Receiver
Acts of Service
Dialects:
Routine Tasks
Emptying the dishwasher
Vacuuming the living room
Washing the bathroom floor
Doing the laundry
SpecialProjects
Cooking a special meal
Fixing the screen on the front door
Painting a bedroom
Organizing the garage
Impediments to
Acts of Service
- What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.
- Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
- Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives.
- Requests give direction to love; demands stop the flow of love and can be seen as treating our spouse as an object.
- Criticisms can dry up our love tanks. Criticism can give us a clue about our spouse’s love language as people tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.
Exercise
List 4 things that would help you feel loved if your spouse did them for you. (REMEMBER: these are requests, not demands. You have no right to EXPECT your spouse to do them.)
1.2.
3.
4.
Now list 4 things that you think would help your spouse feel loved if you did them for him/her.
1.2.
3.
4.
Share (in place) what you wrote with your spouse.
Dialogue/Sharing
DialogueQuestion:
Recall an act of service from my spouse or when I tried to love via an act of service. What are my feelings remembering this time?
SharingQuestions:
How important is this love language to me?
Name a time when I did an act of service for my spouse – did I do it for them as a way to express my love for them OR was I looking for a compliment from my spouse?
How do I feel when I do an act of service for my spouse thathe/she does not notice?
Name a time when my spouse surprised me with an act of service.
“Routine Tasks” versus “Special Tasks” which means more tome as an act of service? Why?
Commitment:
At least once per week, surprise your spouse with an act of service that he/she would not expect.
Love Language 5
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
1 of 50
Physical Touch
Powerful Communicator Of Love
Dialects:
Implicit touches
Sitting close to spouse
Touch spouse as you walk into a room
Kiss as you leave and return home
Hugging
Explicit touches
Back massage
Dancing
Sexual Touch/ Intercourse
Touch in Crisis
Illness of a child
Death of a parent
Exercise
Below is a list of examples of physical touches (dialects???). Please use a rating scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is not at all pleasurable, and 5 is highly pleasurable. On the left side of the page marked “Rating Your Spouse” is a box to write in how you believe your spouse would rate this touch. For example, “Do they like you playing with their hair?” On the right side mark your rating of this physical touch. For example, “Do you like it when your spouse plays with your hair?”
Rating Your SpousePhysical Touch DescriptionYour Own Rating
Playing with your hair
Pinching of cheeks
Rubbing ears
Kissing
Hugging
Holding hands
Kissing on the neckBack rubs
Foot massagesSlow dancing
Blowing on the ears
Facial touches
Sexual intimacy
(Other)
(Other)
Dialogue
Dialogue Question:
Write about a time when I experienced love from my spouse through physical touch. What are my feelings as I remember this time?
Commitment:
At least once per week, take a 1 minute vacation (hold each other close wherever you are at the moment) for 1 whole minute. If you are in an appropriate place, learn how your spouse needs to be touched at the moment. Simple touches on the face or shoulders say a lot!
Discover Your Primary Love Language
The Hurts
What does my spouse do/fail to do that hurts most deeply?
The Requests
What have I most often requested?
Giving of Love
How do I regularly express love to my spouse?
Others
Look back to dating and early marriage days.
Do anEmotional Love tank check?
Profile Scoring
A = Words of Affirmation
B = Quality Time
C = Receiving Gifts