The Real Story of Christmas
O
nce upon a time in a faraway land called Wallingpeth there lived a tyrannical king by the name of Fezzed, who adored women and detested men. When he became king he ordered that no women throughout his land were to work, they were all to be free spirits, able to come and go from his kingdom whenever they wanted. Men, on the other hand would be subjected to a life of work, everyday from the morn’s first light till the setting of the sun at night. King Fezzed enforced these rules himself along with his two trusted disciples known as Grapper and Spinner.
In neighbouring Longframleton there lived two friends called Thomas and Gregory. These were two average kind of guys who despite King Fezzed’s golden rule did all that they could to get out of work. One day their life changed forever when from out of nowhere an angel appeared and spoke to them. G who normally saw things in his mind didn’t take much notice but T listened intently to the spoken words, ‘Greetings my friends, I am the Angel Cowan and I bring joyous news. There will soon be a new King born, a King who will be the saviour of all, who will bring equality to all men and women and who will be able to fit boilers. T, you will give birth to this new baby King and you are to call him Joshus. G, you are to aid and care for T during these months and watch over the birth of our new King.’ This was all a lot to take in for G and T but not the weirdest thing they had heard lately, remembering back to a recent meeting with their friend Calder.
Now at this time the land of Wallingpeth was part of the empire of Northumbilee. The Northumbilee Emperor Snibor wanted a list of all the people in the Empire to make sure that they paid their taxes. He ordered everyone to return to the town where their families originally came from and enter their names in a register there. So G & T travelled a long long way from Longframleton to Scotsgaplehem, where G’s family came from. Most people had to walk but some lucky people had a donkey to help them carry the ‘goods’ (mostly G’s) they needed for the journey. T & G were lucky to have a donkey named Motta. They travelled very slowly because of Motta’s slow pace as well as the fact T’s baby was soon to be born.
When they finally reached Scotsgaplehem they were both very tired and needed somewhere to stay. As so many people had come to register their names there was no room at any of the Inns, except one. However when they knocked on the door they found out that the Inn Keeper had drunk too much and had mistakenly advertised spare rooms when he had none. The Inn Keepers name was Leesee. The only shelter that he could offer them was a barn full of animals. He also offered them full use of the Inn’s facilities, including the Inn Gym ran by Leeam, and the pitch and putt course ran by Mattee.
That night in this poor place T went into labour so Leesee called the most highly skilled midwives in the whole of Northumbilee. Nurse Arthur and Nurse Rishi performed a miracle of a caesarean and alas, baby Joshus was born. His bed was the manger that the animals ate their hay from. Despite his considerable ale consumption Leesee saw the new King and he believed. He instantly called for the barn to be watched over by JLS, his top security team made up of men called Jutt, Lenn and Simon.
In the hills and fields outside Scotsgaplehem, shepherds looked after their sheep through the long night. As the day began suddenly the Angel Cowan, glowing bright than usual, appeared before them. The shepherds were very scared and slightly blinded but the Angel Cowan said ‘Don’t be afraid, I have good news for you. Today in Scotsgaplehem a King has been born for you. You will find him lying in a manger.’
The shepherds were Fenzer, Packer and Jakob and they said to one another, ‘Let’s go to Scotsgaplehem to see what has happened.’ So the shepherds along with their little lambs Benji and Gairzy went to Scotsgaplehem and found G, T and The Baby Joshus, who was lying in the manger as they had been told. When they saw him they too like Leesee before them, believed. The shepherds then returned to their sheep, praising the heavens for sending this child to be their saviour.
Throughout the harsh brisk streets of Scotsgaplehem unemployed men shuffled about all day looking for work before returning to their freezing cold houses. They were also keen to avoid the wrath of Grapper and Spinner who were constantly on guard. At first light the Angel Cowan appeared once again and spoke to them. ‘Rejoice, I have good news for you. Today at The Nyke Duke pub a saviour has been born for you. He will bring joy to the life of men once again and he can fit boilers to warm the world.’
The men who were Sammsa and Jordsa, decided to head to the Inn to see what the Angel spoke of. Despite their run ins with JLS before they were allowed to enter the barn, and once they did, and they saw, they too believed.
When Joshus was born, a brand new bright star appeared in the sky. Some Wise Men, Slackazar, Tompar and their leader Nikolaos, in a faraway land saw the star in the sky and guessed what it meant. They were very clever men that had studied the stars and they had read in very old writings that a new star would appear when a great King was born. They set out to find the new King and bring him gifts.
The Wise Men followed the star towards the country of Wallingpeth and when they got there they began to ask people: ‘Where is the child who is born to be King?’ When Fezzed, the King of Wallingpeth, heard that someone might be going to take his place as King he got very angry. To cool off he went on holiday for the tenth time that year but once he returned he was still angry. He sent for the Wise Men to come to him and told them to go on following the star until they had found the baby King. ‘When you have found him, let me know where he is so that I can go and worship him.’ But Fezzed secretly had an evil plan to kill the new king which was followed by his own unique evil laugh, muhahahahahahahaha.
The Wise Men followed the star towards Scotsgaplehem where they passed a fellow Wise Man on their travels. He was called Trevalar. The Wise Men asked Trevalar if he would like to join them on their trip to visit the new born King, but Trevalar was not allowed. Once they got to Scotsgaplhem the star appeared to stop and shine directly down upon the barn where Joshus was. The Wise Men entered inside, bowed down and worshipped the new baby. The Wise Men took off the sacks that they had been carrying and spread the gifts that they had brought before Joshus. The gifts were a wooden roulette wheel carved by Slackazar, condoms from Tompar and a vest top from the leader Nickolaos. This is how the legend of Saint Nicholas emptying his sack on Christmas Day first began.
The Wise Men were warned in a dream by Chris ‘Wod,’ the creator of all things, not to go back to Fezzed. So they listened to Wod and returned home to their countries in the East by a different way.
When Fezzed realised that he had been tricked by the Wise Men he was furious and so he gave orders to kill all boys aged two or younger in Scotsgaplehem and the surrounding areas in order to try and kill the new King.
At this point the Angel Cowan returned to G: ‘Get up you lazy git, and take T, Joshus and your slow donkey away from here. Stay away until I call for you as Fezzed is going to search for Joshus and try to kill him.’ G, who had already thought about the strain this new baby was going to place on his and T’s friendship believed that Joshus being killed might not be the worst idea. However against his judgement he picked them up during the night and left.
When Fezzed realised that he had been tricked by the Wise Men he was furious and gave orders to Grapper and Spinner to kill all the young boys in Scotsgaplehem and the surrounding areas in a plot to eradicate the new King in his infancy.
Many years later Fezzed passed away and the people of Wallingpeth, who had all been visited by the Angel Cowan and informed about a new King, were awaiting his arrival. However this never came.
Years before when T and G left with Joshus they travelled for miles and miles to get away from Fezzed. They travelled so far that Motta the donkey passed away due to exhaustion. Once they had walked as far as they could they settled in a town called Pegswood. It was here that the future King grew up and became a man under the guidance of G and T. However under the guidance of his irresponsible parents Joshus never grew very much. He never grew into the sort of King that the Angel Cowan prophesised, apart from being able to fit boilers. He wasn’t a saviour to anyone and brought equality to no-one. Instead he was a heavy smoker and addicted gambler, a role model that men are still following to this very day.
Merry Christmas.