1
FADE IN:
EXT. THE MESA MALL – DAY
It is in the foreground. In the background are some snowcapped mountains.
INT. THE MESA MALL - DAY
GINA ANDREWS has her Zodiac Elixir display set up near the food court. DANIEL RAYMOND, 30ish and tall, walks by her. They make eye contact. She smiles at him. He smiles back as he stops.
GINA
Hello, handsome.
DANIEL
Uh, hello.
GINA
I’m Gina Andrews. What’s your name?
DANIEL
Daniel. Daniel Raymond.
GINA
Nice to meet you, Mr. Raymond.
They shake hands.
DANIEL
Call me Daniel.
GINA
All right. You can call me Gina.
He gives the display the once-over.
DANIEL
So what is this? What is the
Zodiac Elixir?
Gina seductively holds a bottle next to her cheek.
2
GINA
Actually there are twelve
ZodiacElixirs, Daniel.
One for every sun sign.
Which one is yours?
DANIEL
I’m a Scorpio.
GINA
Ah. That’s the house of death.
Gina points to a Scorpio label with her free hand.
DANIEL
The house of death? Is that because Scorpio is full of poison?
DANIEL
According to some theories.
Tell me, Daniel.
(seductive voice)
Are there any people that you would like to . . .
kill?
While Daniel starts to speak, tiny sparkles fly from Gina’s neck into his nostrils.
DANIEL
Gina? What kind of question
is . . .
He inhales the sparkles. His expression becomes more evil.
DANIEL (CONT’D)
Yeah. There are a lot of
worthless people that I’d like to kill!
GINA
Who are these . . . worthless people?
3
DANIEL
The goddamn homeless!
He points to the side. She looks in that direction.
THEIR POV
A BAG LADY sits on a bench. She holds a sign that reads:
PLEASE HELP GOD BLESS YOU ALL
DANIEL (V.O.)
The poor should be no more!
RESUME GINA AND DANIEL
DANIEL
I had my wallet stolen by a homeless person!
GINA
Oh, no.
DANIEL
I was about to give him a five-dollar bill, and he just took off! They’re all
just thieves!
GINA
Well, Daniel, you can kill off those bums. All of them.
If you . . .
DANIEL
If I what?
She picks up another bottle with the Scorpio label on it. She also puts down the other bottle.
GINA
If you drink this. The Scorpio Elixir.
She hands him the bottle. He looks at it.
4
DANIEL
Okay. So what happens if I do drink it?
GINA
You’ll be just like a scorpion.
You can sting your enemies to death. Sting the homeless
people to death. Only . . .
from a verysafe distance.
DANIEL
I wouldn’t have to touch the
bastards and bitches?
She LAUGHS viciously.
GINA
That’s the best part. And that’s not all. There’s also an extra . . . little bonus if you drink this.
DANIEL
How much to buy it?
GINA
Oh, it’s on the house.
(more seductively)
Drink it, Daniel. Drink it right now.
He eagerly opens the bottle and gulps down its contents. She smiles knowingly as he drinks. Once he finishes, he smiles at her.
DANIEL
Not bad.
GINA
Oh, but it is.
DANIEL
You also mentioned something
about a bonus feature?
5
GINA
A little extra bonus. With
emphasis on the little part.
DANIEL
What do you mean?
INT. DANIEL’S CAR – DAY
It is in the mall parking lot. Daniel looks all around. When he sees that no one is watching him, he concentrates. Daniel quickly DISAPPEARS.
THE SHRUNKEN DANIEL
He gapes at the gigantic set of the car’s front interior. Then he smiles with pure evil.
DANIEL
I shrunk! I’m the size of a
scorpion!
He LAUGHS hysterically.
DANIEL (CONT’D)
I’m Scorpio!
(a beat, ponders)
No! I’m Stingray!
EXT. THE MALL PARKING LOT – DAY
Daniel’s car starts up, backs up, and then heads for the exit.
EXT. THE PARK – DAY
MOTHERS and NANNIES watch the CHILDREN using the playground. Daniel walks by them. He is shown approaching a VAGRANT MAN
far off in the distance.
The man is sitting under a tree. His torn backpack is as dirty as his clothes. It is set next to him.
DANIEL
Hey!
6
VAGRANT MAN
Hey.
DANIEL
Those kids shouldn’t be exposed to bums like you!
VAGRANT MAN
I’m keeping my distance!
DANIEL
Not good enough, you damn
bastard!
VAGRANT MAN
Hey! Now see here!
Daniel points at the man. Then a red thorn shoots out of Daniel’s forefinger. The thorn stings the man’s face. He GROANS in pain. The thorn quickly drills itself into the man’s skin.
DANIEL (CONT’D)
(LAUGHS)
That’s more like it!
The man dies. He closes his eyes as his body falls on its side. His head lands on his backpack. He looks like he is sleeping.
DANIEL (CONT’D)
Good riddance!
Daniel walks out of the scene.
INT. SYBIL’S MANSION/LIVING ROOM – EARLY EVENING
SYBIL sits in her chair and eats some bonbons. HAWKINS and DOVER sit on the couch and share a bowl of popcorn. The Delphi Crystal and three cups, with matching saucers, are on the coffee table. The heroesall watch the TV set.
HAWKINS
Lovey Lorne? What kind of
name is that?
7
DOVER
It’s a parody of the word lovelorn. As in advice to the lovelorn.
HAWKINS
She’s an advice columnist?
DOVER
No, she’s a parody of one.
Kind oflike Dear Abby on acid.
SYBIL
This should be interesting.
LOVEY (V.O.)
Hello out there. Thank you for joining me today.
THEIR POV/THE TV SCREEN
LOVEY LORNE is a man dressed like a middle-aged woman in ashort wig, conservative attire, and glasses. Lovey bears more than a passing resemblance to Dana Carvey’s Church Lady. Lovey looks at the letter in her hands.
LOVEY
Now let’s get to our first
letter. My, what lovely
handwriting. Somebody has
better things to do than send
naked pictures of themselves
on the internet.
(reads the letter)
“Dear Lovey Lorne. I am a 19-
year-old woman in love with a
married man. He wants to marry me, and I want to marry him.”
(looks into camera)
Well, how nice. You want a
recycledhusband with a proven
trackrecord that he cheats on
hiswife. You’re really the
poster girl for the feminist
movement.
8
RESUME SYBIL, HAWKINS, AND DOVER
Dover LAUGHS, Sybil GIGGLES lightly, and Hawkins gives Dover a look of disbelief.
LOVEY (V.O.)
“But there’s one small problem.”
RESUME LOVEY
LOVEY
(reads the letter)
“He doesn’t want a divorce because it would cost too much.
So he wants me to bump off his
wife.”
(looks into camera)
Oh, he’s Mr. Right, all right.
Not only does he want you to be his stupid whore . . .
(purses her lips)
He also wants you to be his
hired assassin. Who’s working
pro bono.
(reads again)
“They have three young children.
And if I marriedtheir father, I
wouldhave to take care of the
snot-nosed brats. He’s too cheap
to send them to boarding school.”
RESUME SYBIL, HAWKINS, AND DOVER
The women smile at the TV set while he gapes at it.
LOVEY(V.O.)
Oh, poor baby . . . sitter.
Your sugar daddy isn’t all
that sweet.
Hawkins looks at Dover.
HAWKINS
Debra! I cannot believe you
wrote this sh--stuff!
9
DOVER
We’re supernatural vigilantes working for a witch, and you can’t believe that?
SYBIL
(frowns at Dover)
Who are you calling a witch?
LOVEY (V.O.)
“What should I do, Lovey?”
RESUME LOVEY
LOVEY
(reads the letter)
“I don’t think I can kill
anybody,but she is a terrible
person whodoesn’t deserve to
live. Atleast that’s what he
alwaystells me.”
(purses her lips)
“Please help me. Signed,
Connie the Confused.”
(looks into camera)
Well, Connie, I do thank you for your letter. It’s just more proof of what I’ve always said. The crack babies have all grown up.
Lovey purses her lips while “she” throws the letter over “her” shoulder.
RESUME SYBIL, HAWKINS, AND DOVER
The women LAUGH while Hawkins glares at them.
LOVEY (V.O.)
Now I do want to help you,
sweetie. First of all, dump this loser you call a lover.
After all, men just aren’t
worth the effort. They’re
(MORE)
10
LOVEY (V.O. CONT’D)
all scumbags. As the lesbians well know.
The women LAUGH again. Hawkins gapes in shock.
RESUME LOVEY
LOVEY
In fact, why don’t you try
turning gay for a while?
You’re 19, so you’re college
age. Which is the perfect time to explore your sexuality.
And lesbian sex is the perfect form of female birth control.
(mock seriousness)
And let’s face it, honey. We don’t need junior versions of you running around in the world. And once you start
wearing flannel, it will keep you much warmer on a cold
winter’s night than any man
would. After all, men don’t like to cuddle in bed.
HAWKINS (V.O.)
I don’t believe this! Debra,
what have you been smoking?
RESUME SYBIL, HAWKINS, AND DOVER
Hawkins knocks over the bowl of popcorn as he stands up in anger.
DOVER
Hey! Watch it!
He takes the remote control from Sybil’s armrest and turns off the TV. He then sets the remote control on the coffee table.
HAWKINS
I’m not watching some drag queen who is a man basher!
11
DOVER
They’re just jokes, Harry.
HAWKINS
Well, they’re not funny!
They’re offensive! Especially to the gay community!
SYBIL
(to herself)
So much for our night of public-
access television.
DOVER
I’ll have you know that Grant Randall, who plays Lovey, is a gay man.
HAWKINS
Where did you meet him?
Because I want to avoid him
at all costs!
DOVER
I met him at Bingo. At the
Church of Grand Junction.
HAWKINS
Hey! That’s where we first
met!
Harry sits down.
DOVER
He sat next to me a few
times. I was trying to come
up with an idea featuring a
lower-middle-class character.
That’s what the station
manager asked me to do. So
I went to the Bingo hall and
studied the people hoping for
inspiration. Instead, Grant
and I createdLovey Lorne,
alternative advice columnist.
12
HAWKINS
She’s just plain weird.
DOVER
She’s also popular. She’s number two in the ratings.
Right behind the Psychic
Lady.
The Delphi Crystal glows.
SYBIL
Speaking of psychic
phenomena.
Sybil picks it up and looks into it.
HER POV/THE DELPHI CRYSTAL
A SUPERIMPOSED HANDWRITTEN NOTE appears. It reads:
I SHALL ACCOMPANY MY OPERATIVES IN TONIGHT’S PATROL
SYBIL (V.O.)
Now this is somethingnew.
RESUME SYBIL, HAWKINS, AND DOVER
Sybil looks at the heroes while Dover takes the popcorn from the sofa and puts it in the bowl.
SYBIL
I have never been on a
mission with my operatives
before.
DOVER
(with suspicious smirk)
Just how many have you had?
SYBIL
More than a few, but less than
many, Miss Dover.
Sybil stands up while Dover and Hawkins look at each other.
13
SYBIL (CONT’D)
I need to dress warmly. I
shall be right back.
Sybil exits the room. Dover slaps Hawkins’s arm. She tilts her head to the popcorn still on the sofa. He then helps her to pick it up and put it in the bowl.
THE HAWK BIRD AND THE DOVE BIRD
They fly through the snowing night air. Then they MORPH into Hawkins, Dover, and Sybil. Hawkins holds the parka-clad Sybil in his arms. She looks at the Delphi Crystal.
SYBIL
Nothing. I surmise that we are destined to find the criminal, or criminals, on our own.
HAWKINS
I’m not coming up with any psychic visions.
DOVER
I have an idea. I’ve always
wanted to tryusing my love
spell to findthe Zodiac
Killers.
SYBIL
What do you mean, Miss Dover?
DOVER
I send out my love power only to those who drank the Zodiac Elixirs. If it goes in one direction, maybe I’ll find a killer.
Sybil’s expression shows that she really likes that suggestion.
HAWKINS
No offense, Debra, but I’m the psychic bird of prey.
14
SYBIL
Still, Mr. Hawkins. It is worth a try. Especially after I boost Miss Dover’s abilities with the Delphi
Crystal’s healing powers.
DOVER
Won’t the people below see the crystal glowing up here?
SYBIL
Your avian illusions shall prevent that scenario.
Sybil takes the crystal out of her parka pocket. She aims it at Dover. It shines a bright beam on Dover. She MOANS in delight. Then the beam stops shining. Sybil puts the crystal away.
DOVER
Okay. Moment of truth.
Dover gestures wildly in the air. The three wait several moments for any results. Eventually Dover shakes her head.
DOVER (CONT’D)
Sorry, guys. I wasted our time.
SYBIL
It was worth a try, Miss Dover. In fact, now that you have been rejuvenated, we may as well use your increased abilities to our advantage.
HAWKINS
In what way?
SYBIL
I opened the Halfway Hotel a few days ago. Perhaps we may find some more homeless
(MORE)
15
SYBIL (CONT’D)
people to assume residence there.
Dover SIGHS LOUDLY and frowns at Sybil.
DOVER
Meaning you want me to cast my love spells on more
innocent people.
Sybil motions Hawkins to fly closer to Dover. He does so.
SYBIL
Innocent and unfortunate, Miss
Dover. I know how you dislike using your abilities on non- criminals. But you must not forget how many mentally- challenged people and former convicts have benefited from your love spell.
HAWKINS
Not to mention how many homeless kids are now in a safe place. And getting regular meals and a good education. All because of you.
(to Sybil)
Both of you.
SYBIL
We shall not forget your
contributions,Mr. Hawkins.
DOVER
You helped them move.
DOVER’S FLASHBACK
Dover, now dressed like a secretary, watches Sybil, now wearing
a conservative dress, interact with MRS. BUCKNER and her SON and DAUGHTER, all of whom are homeless. Hawkins, now dressed like a chauffeur, puts their backpacks into the limousine’s trunk.
16
DAUGHTER
We get our own rooms?
SYBIL
Well, your family has to share a bedroom and a bathroom. And you shall be able to watch television. (a bit sternly)
That is, after you and your
brother finish your homework
assignments.
SON
We still have to go to school?
SYBIL/MRS. BUCKNER
Yes.
The women look at each other and smirk. Hawkins closes the trunk. Then he approaches the door closest to the women and kids.
HAWKINS
Your chariot awaits, my ladies.
Hawkins opens the door for them. He grins at the son.
HAWKINS (CONT’D)
And gentleman.
SON
Oh, yeah.
DAUGHTER
Wow.
Mrs. Buckner beams at the women, who beam back at her.
MRS. BUCKNER
Oh, my God! I can’t believe this is happening! It’s a miracle!
17
SYBIL
It is your dream come true,
Mrs. Buckner. Now we should be going.
The kids get into the limousine. The daughter looks back at the women.
DAUGHTER
Thanks, lady.
SYBILDOVER
You are most welcome.You’re welcome.
Sybil and Dover look at each other and LAUGH.
RESUME DOVER, HAWKINS, AND SYBIL IN FLIGHT
HAWKINS
I guess we can check out the abandoned buildings and vacant lots.
DOVER
Lord knows there are plenty of those in Grand Junction.
SYBIL
If we do find some homeless people, I shall use the Delphi Crystal to keep them warm. And Miss Dover shall cast her
spell to keep them under
control.
Doverbristles at this suggestion.
HAWKINS
And I’ll fly back to the mansion and get the limo.
But first I think I need some more crystallization.
You’re kinda dragging me down, Sybil.
18
SYBIL
Is that a comment about my weight, Mr. Hawkins?
HAWKINS
It’s one about your parka.
It’s really hard to hold onto in this weather.
SYBIL
Time for some fortification.
Sybil takes out the crystal and aims it at Hawkins. It shines a beam on him. He MOANS in delight.
EXT. THE HALFWAY HOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Daniel exits his car. He is dressed like a homeless person. He even has a scruffy beard with several days’ growth. He walks to the hotel.
INT. THE HALFWAY HOTEL/RESTAURANT – NIGHT
The place is full of HOMELESS PEOPLE of various ages. Most of them are seated at the many dining tables. Some are in line for their meals. The SERVING CREW wear hairnets and plastic gloves as they wait on their customers.
Daniel enters the restaurant. He scowls in disgust at the sight of the people eating. Then he smiles viciously as his fingers curve out like a cat’s claws.
Suddenly, the red thorns shoot out from his fingertips.
MONTAGE
The first barrage of red thorns strike the back parts of some DINERS’ heads. They die and fall either onto the floor or head-first onto the table. The OTHERS at the same table start to react. But then they are hit by the second barrage. They also drop dead.