Alice Klinkhammer
Battle of the Nuts
I see the big metal box round the corner. The hairless ape has nearly arrived.
When the hairless ape denied my fellow squirrels cashews this sunrise, he declared war.
The sun sets low on the horizon, creating a glowing halo reflecting off the shining metal box. The black rubber spinners squeal as the hairless ape rounds the corner too fast, and the air smells of burning. It is time to gather the troops.
"Alright soldiers, listen up!" All of the soldiers gather around, staring at me with awe and wonder. I see a hopeful glint in many an eye, as though I have all the answers. I realize then that these soldiers are still just young, impressionable squirrels. They look up to me; revere my words. I cannot let them down. "That hairless ape offered us cashews, not once, but twice. Then not only does it refuse to give us cashews, but it laughs in our face, mocking our pain! Are we going to stand for that?"
"SIR, NO SIR!"
"Are we going to show that hairless ape its place, and take those cashews for ourselves?"
"SIR, YES SIR!"
"No matter what it takes to get it?"
"SIR, YES SIR!"
"Life or death, this is war!"
There is loud commotion of cheers from the crowd at this, and I am proud that these soldiers are willing to do whatever it takes to take this hairless ape down. The big metal box pulls up to the curb and the roaring stops. I know from past observation that when the roaring stops, the mouth opens up and the hairless ape steps out.
"This is it men, get ready!"
The cheering stops. They all turn toward the metal box now, preparing to battle. The mouth opens up, and one leg descends from it.
"CHARGE!!!"
I shove an acorn in each cheek and charge forth, all of my troops following suit. We gain the element of surprise, taking it down while it’s back is turned. We attack by pelting it with our acorns. Some brave soldiers run right at it, climbing up its limbs trying to take it down. I join them and make it all the way atop its head. I tug at its sorry excuse for fur and it screams, trying to bat me away, unsuccessfully, because four of my men already have its arms detained.
My four best soldiers take the descent into its bag, now lying abandoned on the ground, in search of the cashews. Two of them hold the bag open while the other two drag the container out. We continue fighting as a diversionary tactic as they carry the container back to base. Once they are out of sight, and the hairless ape is cowering and crying on the ground, we know we have won.
We declare victory over the hairless ape and leave it to stew in its misery and defeat. When my troops and I arrive back at base, the other soldiers are there waiting for us with the container of cashews, eager to crack it open and celebrate our victory. In lieu of a victory speech, I step over to peel back the lid. The action says so much more than any words I could give them.
The sweet scent of cashews caresses my nostrils instantly. Decadence. I lean forward and peer down into the container, but it is...
...empty.