SAVE MY RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE
Why your relationship/marriage is deteriorating and what to do to repair the damage
About the Author:
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Mandy is a qualified Psychologist and Counsellor and runs a successful counselling practice from her home near London in the United Kingdom. She also writes a regular blog with tips on life, love and relationships. She hosts an online advice column, posts insightful YouTube videos and contributes to podcasts (LifeHabits – available free on itunes).
Having faced many of her own challenges, she wrote an autobiographical book on her struggles with life which was published in 2004 titled “Destination Delinquency?”
Mandy practices what she preaches and uses all the methods she teaches in her therapy sessions with clients. This has enabled her to forge a more fulfilled and contented lifestyle.
This ebook is a culmination of Mandy’s structured therapy sessions that she has created for couples who want to improve their personal relationships. The information in this book comes from actual sessions with couples, somewhat a trial and error process, to find the most effective ways forward for troubled couples.
The success rate is very high and for those clients that are committed, the possibilities for a happier, closer relationship are endless.
Whilst Mandy cannot guarantee a positive result, the outcome is far more likely to be positive by applying the wisdom in this ebook. All relationships take work and need regular attention. The more a relationship is looked after and nurtured, the better the chance of longevity.
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CONTENTS:
PAGE:
CHAPTER ONE 4
Divorce Rates
CHAPTER TWO 6
The Basic Requirements for a solid relationship
CHAPTER THREE 7
Common Sources of conflict in relationships
CHAPTER FOUR 9
SESSION ONE: Common reasons that couples seek counselling
CHAPTER FIVE12
SESSION TWO: Relationship Questionnaire
CHAPTER SIX21
SESSION THREE: Habits of happy couples.
Dealing with conflict - Assertive Script
CHAPTER SEVEN24
SESSION FOUR: Resolution focused strategies, ‘stretching’ exercise
Transactional analysis
CHAPTER EIGHT28
THE FINAL SESSION - Wrapping it up
CHAPTER NINE30
Summary - top tips for a happy relationship
Acknowledgements:31
*** CHAPTER ONE ***
No one gets married thinking about the possible end of their relationship. We promise to love and cherish each other until “death do us part”. We all want to believe in romance and true love and Hollywood certainly perpetuates this idea by showing unrealistic portrayals of life and love. Very rarely do you see films that realistically show the many common reasons why relationships run into difficulty. The reality is very different but then that probably wouldn’t make a good story line.
Divorce Rates:
The number of marriages that took place in the European Union (EU) in 2010 was 2.2 million while around 1 million divorces were recorded in 2009.
United States: The divorce rate in the USA is one of the highest worldwide at 50%. When you break down the number of marriages:
- 41% of first marriages end in divorce
- 60% of second marriages end in divorce
- 73% of third marriages end in divorce
Why are second and third marriages more likely to fail? One reason could be rebound. People are often vulnerable after the failure of their first marriage and may make choices for the wrong reasons. People also tend to be more financially independent, more confident in themselves and are usually carrying more emotional baggage than with their first marriage. This mix can cause more conflict and stronger attitudes. A case of being more set in our ways.
The primary reason affecting the breakup of second and third marriages is that there is less ‘glue’ holding the marriage/relationship together. Children often come from first marriages and they provide a stabilizing factor. Children can be a source of conflict at times but the overall effect is that they add an extra layer of solidarity that often doesn’t exist in subsequent relationships.
Staying purely the sake of the children is not reason enough to stay together but it can sometimes save a relationship as parents try harder to work through their differences. Ironically, when step-families are created in second and third marriages, the presence of step children can cause problems and lead to tension. Both partners have to adjust to their spouse’s children and their approach to discipline. Inevitably, conflicts arise, making home life a constant battlefield. Maintaining the complicated web of new family relationships is not easy and frequently generates animosity all round. It seems to get harder to keep the show on the road as you move onto the next marriage. It is this trend that is reflected in recent divorce statistics.
Divorce is increasing worldwide and there are a number of reasons for this:
- The law is becoming more lenient, making it easier to dissolve an unhappy marriage. In the US, all states have adopted a “no-fault” divorce law. Prior to this, people who wanted to get divorced had to have a good reason for wanting to divorce. Somebody had to be at fault, either mentally incapacitated, infidelity, lying or domestic violence/abuse had to be taking place in order to pursue divorce.
The reputation of a lenient legal system in England and Wales is a fairly recent one. The Divorce Reform Act in 1969 allowed couples to divorce after they had been separated for two years and the UK is seen as favouring equal division of assets which means the ‘weaker’ spouse is more likely to achieve a more generous award than they might do if the couple divorced in another country.
Legal alternatives to marriage, such as registered partnerships have become more common and laws are adapting to afford unmarried and same sex couples more rights which all promotes leniency.
- Divorce clearly places a huge amount of stress on a family, especially when there are children involved but some people feel that it is still preferable to divorce than staying in an unhappy marriage.
- Modern families are structured differently to the way they were fifty years ago. Back then there were clearer roles and it was seen as taboo to divorce. People were more accepting of their ‘lot’ in life. Now, women have more choice and often want to pursue careers. They expect more from life than they used to and this can also cause tension and friction within a relationship. Men are still learning how to deal with the constantly changing roles and the empowerment of women.
- Divorce is more widespread and seems more acceptable now. The stigma has disappeared. There is still a sense of failure but people are less likely to settle for something that they don’t feel happy in than they were thirty or forty years ago. Attitudes have definitely changed.
Top ten countries with lowest divorce rate:
Libya, Armenia, Georgia, Mongolia, Chile, Mexico, El Salvador, Macedonia, Turkey, Italy
*** CHAPTER TWO ***
The Basic Requirements
Now that we have briefly delved into the background of marriage and divorce…where does this leave you?
You have obviously purchased this ebook because you are having issues in your current relationship/marriage (for the purpose of this ebook I will use the term “relationship” which covers marriage as well) and you want to know whether it is worth saving.
It’s worth considering what your relationship was like at the beginning. There are factors that promote longevity and help the relationship along. Here are the five factors that are initially required to create a sustainable relationship:
- The same level of commitment
Do you both want the same future? Are you both committed to staying together or does one of you want the relationship to remain casual?
- Shared values
Do you share similar views about the world? Have you discussed how you would bring up children and what you would expect from family life in general? The more in tune about how you see the world, the better.
- Physical compatibility
Are you physically attracted to each other? Do you have similar sex drives and do you feel in tune in the bedroom? Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship and it fosters intimacy. When the sex isn’t satisfying or infrequent, it can suggest an underlying problem.
- Intellectual/Mental compatibility
Are you able to chat about most things? Do you feel that you match each other in terms of intelligence? If one person is fascinated by cars and electrics and the other is a neuro-scientist you may find that you end up having very little to talk about.
- Emotional Compatibility
This is also a crucial component in a relationship. Do you feel that your partner understands you? Are you able to talk about your feelings without the other person looking at you blankly? It isn’t always easy to spot someone who is emotionally available/unavailable but if you are an emotive person you may find that you end up feeling very alone in a relationship like this.
Having all five factors does not guarantee success. Instead, think of it as having the keys to the car. You can get in and start the engine up but the continued success of your relationship (how you ‘drive’ the car) is down to how well you communication, negotiation and compromise over time.
*** CHAPTER THREE ***
Common Sources of Conflict in Relationships
- Housework
This is such a common occurrence in households across the globe that I estimate it must happen in ninety-nine percent of homes, if not one hundred percent! Every couple that has ever come to see me has brought this issue up as one of the reasons for their disagreements. We all seem to think we are unique in what we are going through in the privacy of our own homes but we really are all experiencing parallel realities in many ways.
- Finances
This can be a common bugbear for couples especially if there is a lack of money. A lack of money can cause untold stress which wears away the joy in the relationship. This problem is even more severe if there is hidden debt, a secret gambling addiction or financial dishonesty.
- Jealousy/Control
It is unfortunately quite common for an element of jealousy and/or control to be present in romantic relationships. Control can take the form of curtailing a partner’s socialising as well as the amount of time they spend with their family. In severe cases it can involve control over the way someone dresses, how they spend their money and what they cook for dinner. Jealousy is just another form of control. Initially, people may see the jealousy as a good thing, thinking that it shows that their partner cares about them but jealousy can, and often does, get worse over time.
- Growing Apart - unmet needs
The early signs of becoming distant in a relationship often show up as a lack of communication. You talk less and start to lead separate lives. Many people think that having children will bring them closer together but often, children are the catalyst for parents growing apart. Resentment sets in and both parents are constantly tired. This environment is not conducive to healthy communication and regular bonding. Suddenly, the needs of the relationship take a back seat to the screaming and demanding children.
- Lack of sex - men (more common in men but can affect women too)
This is another common issue that is easily repaired. Women tend to become complacent, especially once they have had children and sex goes out the window. Men are sexual creatures and with all that testosterone swilling about, they need regular sex. This can become a bone of contention and a source of frustration for men. Lack of sex at home often leads to affairs in an attempt to meet sexual needs. Infidelity is on the rise - both men and women are engaging in affairs more than ever before.
Experts divide relationships into four wide groups, namely, object affairs, sexual affairs, emotional affairs and secondary relationships.
Object affairs the cheating man/woman neglects their relationship in order to pay attention to something like work, sports etc. resulting in a detriment to their love life.
Sexual affairs as the name suggests those in which the cheating partners rent hotel rooms or visit other men/women just for sexual relations and no emotional relations are involved.
Emotional affairs where the physical intimacy is lacking but more hours are spent talking or spilling secrets to a third person rather than to one's partner.
Secondary relationships are the traditional extra marital affairs where a person is involved in more than one relationship at the same time and both relationships have the emotional as well as sexual aspects to them.
Common reasons for affairs: dissatisfaction, boredom, a way out, a mid life crisis and opportunity/temptation
Lack of emotional engagement - women (more common in women but can affect men too)
Men are more likely to be emotionally unavailable and they tend to become involved in work and leave the house and kids to the wife. This often leads to frustration for the wife as she feels her husband isn’t interested in the family.
Men often work long hours and women lack the stimulation that men have from a work environment (this only applies to stay at home mums). Women tend to have more emotional needs than men and it can be a lonely experience when men don’t open up about their feelings.
Society has conditioned men to suppress emotion but this does not bode well for relationships with women who need to feel connected mentally and emotionally before the physical intimacy can occur.
- Work/life balance
We live in society of unrelenting standards. We want more money, better cars and bigger houses. We want to make a name for ourselves and be respected by our peers. This takes work and means spending time away from home. This constant striving and living in the future is like poison for many relationships. Not enough contact usually leads to a break down in communication and ultimately both parties will grow apart unless they are committed to working at their relationship on a consistent and regular basis.
*** CHAPTER FOUR ***
SESSION ONE
Common reasons that couples seek counselling:
The first session with a couple is spent exploring their current issues as well as their background - whether they have children, how long they have been married for and so on.
There are a few scenarios that are very common and I am going to list them here as I think it may be useful for people in relationships to see how ‘normal’ their issues are.
Often we can feel alone in what we are experiencing and feel that the problems are insurmountable. It can make us feel a whole lot better when we realise that many others experience many of the same situations.
- Infidelity
Usually, one person in the relationship has already been unfaithful and the other has found out. The fallout from this can be huge and it takes a lot of effort to get a relationship back on track. Invariably, the person who has been cheated on finds it hard to trust again and wants to continually bring up the past and rub their partner’s nose in their indiscretion.
The partner who did the cheating is remorseful and wants to put it behind them as soon as possible and move on. If you decide to work at the relationship, it is important to deal with all the hurt and trust issues as soon as possible and get the hurt and anger out of the way. Once that has occurred, the healing work can begin and resolution focused strategies can be employed.
The issue here is that the wronged partner often finds it impossible to forget and this ultimately leads to the end of the relationship.
- Growing Apart/disconnected
This is very common with couples who have been together for a long time. As we get older, we change and develop differently. The fortunate couples stay together and are in tune with each other whilst other couples tend to grow more distant as the years go by. One day it dawns upon them that they don’t really know the person they are living with anymore. I have heard many clients say that if they had to pick a partner now it would not be the partner that they picked twenty years ago.
Many married men complain that their wives have put on weight and that they do not look after themselves any longer. This is a shallow reason and is a sad indictment of modern society today. Men can age and get fatter but women, it would appear, are not allowed to do this for fear they will be traded in for a younger model. Nevertheless, it is an issue and one that I many couples seek my help with on a regular basis.