Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Continued Education Provider, CA BBS
10436 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 3030; Los Angeles, Ca 90025
310-927-5611
Happenings: 8 to 9 Week Grief Group for Children & Parent/Guardian
Children and Parents/Guardians arrive together and after a brief orientation to the building and the schedule, children are separated from parent/guardians and placed into groups with others who are their own developmental age. Adults are separated into an adult group. Both groups will complete the following sessions:
Week 1: Who am I? Who are we? Establish group rules for safety and sharing, play a game that allows group members to begin sharing about themselves and the reactions they might be having. Information and handouts about normal grief are given out. Ask each person to bring a picture of the person who died next time.
Week 2: Who Were They? After reminders of the group rules, group shares photos they brought and does an art activity to help each member share memories of the person who died (their favorite color, what they did fun together, their birthday date, what they miss, what they might not miss so much). If time is of the essence, you could combine this lesson with week 3.
Week 3: What Happened? After reminders of the group rules, group does an activity to help each member share more memories of the person who died, how they died, and circumstances around how the group member found out about the death. . If time is of the essence, you could combine this lesson with week 4.
Week 4: What Happened at the Funeral/Memorial Service? After reminders of the group rules, group does an activity to help each member share memories about the funeral or memorial service. What they remember? Who helped plan the ceremony? Who was there? Where was it? What each group member did for the service? What did they like about it? What did they wish was said or done differently?
Week 5: What Happens After Death? Remind group that this is the halfway point and they have 4 meetings left. Group does an art activity and share thoughts and feelings about their family beliefs about what happens after death and what the group member thinks happens after death. Have they thought (or dreamt) about their own death and what that would be like? (Assessments made about safety if thoughts of suicide are shared.)
Week 6: What’s Happening Inside Now? Remind group that they have 3 more meetings left. Complete an activity to help group members express how they are feeling, thinking, and reacting now (including dreams), and how they cope.
Week 7: What’s Happening Outside Now? Remind group that they have 2 more sessions left. Changes are hard. Group members complete an art project to help them identify the changes that have happened since the person died, who does those things now, and how have they adjusted to changes? Ask group members to bring an item (jewelry, photo, box, stuffed animal, toy) that helps them feel close to the person who died.
Week 8: What’s Going to Happen in the Future? Remind group that next time is their last meeting. Ask each person to share the item they brought of the person that might help them feel close. Complete an activity to help group members express where they feel close to the person who died, how they stay connected, how they might honor/memorialize this person, and with whom they can share memories?
Week 9: Saying Good-Bye. Remind the group that this is their last meeting and that the group will have its good-bye ceremony today. Ask each person to share from their scrapbook anything they’d like to say more about and say good-bye to the group. Teach group members that saying good-bye can be hard and that it can also be a time of graduation and sharing of growth. Group members participate good-bye ceremony and party.
Week 1: Who am I? Who are we?
Purpose: In this initial group, the leaders need to establish a level of safety and comfort for the group members. Who am I? Group members need to begin sharing who they are to create connection with one another. Who are we? Group rules need to be created and agreed upon and group members need to learn what they have in common with the group. Education about normal grief and loss reactions are a part of this discovery.
Materials: Pre-group questionnaires (one copy for each person) – page 3
Large index cards (for place-markers with first names - optional)
Paper, markers/colored pencils/crayons, stickers (if available)
List of sample rules – page 4
Plain M&M’s and small cups for M&M Game – page 5; OR ball of yarn for Web of Friendship game – page 6; or chairs for Move Game - page 7
Normal Grief Reactions (one copy for each person) – Page 8
Instructions:
Welcome everyone to the group, ask them to complete the pre-group questionnaire. Collect permission slips if needed.
Ask them to design their name cards (first name only) to place in front of them (optional). Ask them to design the name card with colors, stickers, and animals, symbols or things that they like or that represent them somehow. While the group works on this…
Explain to them that each person in this group has experienced something very, very difficult, the death of someone close. But, you are not alone. One out of every five participants will experience the death of someone close by age 18.
Explain that for each group member to feel safe, we need to come up with some rules about sharing and behaving that will help people feel safe sharing as little or as much as they need to. Group leader(s) write down the rules. If they get stuck ask, “Would you like to know what other participants in other groups have come up with so that group is a safe place?” See page 4 for list of sample rules. Have members sign the group rules.
Check-in: have participants show their card (or if not done yet, say their name), say their age, who died, how they died, and when they died (if known). Have participant place card facing out in front of them for group to see their name.
Choose an icebreaker game (M&M game-pg. 5, Web of Friendship-pg. 6, or Move Game-pg. 7)
Handout Normal Grief Reactions and review together. Remind them that sadness, anger, loss, guilt, depression, stigma, happiness, relief, and acceptance are all feelings that participants have had who have been through this. It’s very normal to feel many of these at the same time, or to rotate through these or have feelings change over time.
Remind the group that strong feelings may arise and it’s important to stay with the group and keep working through the grief process and these intense feelings. The group does not provide instant relief, some may experience confusion or increased grief in the beginning. Participants have told us,. “Even though it seems weird, keep coming because it really helps by the end of the groups.” Most participants have told us that they do feel the 8-10 groups really helped them.
Ask group members to bring a picture of the person who died for the next group: Prefer one that can be used for a collage project. May need to send out reminder notices the day before the next group or call parents for the elementary school kids.
Closing: Read “Normal Grief Reactions” in Unison, hold hands & pass the squeeze of support (one person starts the squeeze and it goes from hand to hand until it gets back to the person who started). Collect name cards for next time.
Happenings – Pre-Group Questionnaire
______
Print your full name
Please print your name above. Next to each feeling or thought listed below, please circle the number that best matches how you feel right now or how you have changed since the death.
0 = None
1 = A little or some
2 = Between some and a medium amount
3 = Medium
4 = Between medium and strong
5 = Strong
0 1 2 3 4 5 School changes, “My grades have changed since the death. They’ve gone up or down.”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Shock, “I still can’t believe this happened”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Guilt, “I wish I could have said or not said something, or done or not done something”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Abandonment, “I feel like they left me here all by myself”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Sadness, “I feel sad, low or blue” or “I feel like I want to cry.”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Supported, “I have friends and/or family who I feel comfortable talking about the death with.”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Anger at self
0 1 2 3 4 5 Anger at others
0 1 2 3 4 5 Anger at God
0 1 2 3 4 5 “Why did this happen?”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Numbness, “I don’t seem to feel anything”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Hopelessness, “I don’t have hope for the future or that things will change.”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Sleeping problems, “I can’t fall asleep/stay asleep” or “I sleep a lot more.”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Appetite change, “I eat more” or “I eat less” and or “I eat more comfort foods.”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Difficulty concentrating, focusing, or paying attention
0 1 2 3 4 5 Relief
0 1 2 3 4 5 Loneliness, “I feel alone” or “I feel like no one understands me.”
0 1 2 3 4 5 Thoughts about your own death or hurting yourself (if 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5,
please describe on the back)
Sample Group Rules from Previous Groups
Confidentiality & Privacy – Whatever is shared in the group needs to stay in the group and remain confidential or private. Only exceptions are if group leaders or group members become concerned about someone’s safety (someone might hurt themselves, another person, or someone else is hurting a child/teen).
Be respectful, kind, considerate, non-judgmental, and non-prying.
You are welcome to ask questions, share, or just listen.
There are no right or wrong answers or feelings – Each person’s feelings are their own and important to them.
This is a safe, sharing place – No one is put on the spot or forced to talk. That way you can feel safe to share as little or as much as you want to about your experiences and your feelings.
It is important to allow everyone who wishes to talk, the chance to do so. Group leaders will work to make sure each person has time to share.
Try not to monopolize the time or interrupt others. Instead, share the time and make sure others are finishes before adding to what they said.
Try not to tell people what they “should” do or give advice. Instead, share what has worked for you in a similar situation and respect that others may have different ideas.
There is no pressure to grieve in a certain way, nor to do or see things in a certain way. Everyone one grieves differently and everyone is different even though many of you might find you have things in common.
Attend all meetings if possible – Group members depend on and have concern for each other if you are not here when we think you are going to be. If you have to miss one group, we ask that you not miss more than one group in these 8-9 Weeks, and we ask that you please let us know if you will be out due to a test or field trip.
OTHERS to ADD: ______
OTHERS to ADD: ______
OTHERS to ADD: ______
OTHERS to ADD: ______
Signed by Group Members:
M&M Game (Adapted from The DougyCenter, Portland, OR)
Materials: A small cup of M&Ms for each person (be careful with peanut M&Ms. Plain are better)
List of questions below
Instructions:
Tell participants: “This is the M&M game. We will ask questions, and whoever is willing to answer the question can eat an M&M.”
Don’t hand these questions out to the members.
Use any or all of these questions if you have time. Create your own questions if you wish. Avoid using “Why” questions and instead use “who”, “what”, “where”, “when”, “how” questions. Initially ask neutral questions, and after several rounds begin asking them to respond to questions regarding the death.
Avoid calling on any particular participant. Instead, look for nodding heads or shaking heads and ask, “John, I noticed you were shaking your head. Would you please share your answer to this question?”
If there is more time, ask members to ask questions of each other or say anything else about their story that they really wanted to share today. Ask them to still be brief and remind them that we will learn more about them as the groups go on.
What’s your favorite color?
How old are you?
What’s your favorite TV show?
Who do you like to watch TV or Play with?
What do you think will happen in the group?
What would you like to happen in the group?
What’s your favorite thing to do for fun?
What was your favorite thing to do with the person who died?
What do you hate about school?
What do you love about school?
Did you go to the funeral or memorial service for the person who died?
What are your favorite movies?
What’s your favorite video game?
Did you get a chance to say good-bye to the person who died?
When you feel bad, what do you do to help yourself feel better?
What is your favorite Musical band/singer?
What kind of movies or music did the person who died like?
What are your favorite sports to watch or to play?
What did you do with the person who died that you can’t do now?
What feelings have you had since that person died?
What questions do you want to ask of each other?
*** (Use this one last) How did it feel to share things about yourself today?
Web Of Friendship (Adapted from Sharp Hospice Care, San Diego, CA)
Materials: Ball of yarn, scissors
List of questions below
Instructions:
Have group members spread out into a circle. When the group is small, group leaders can participate in the web by asking new or follow-up questions to help build the web.
Explain to group members that you are going to play a question and answer game, called “web of friendship”. Someone asks a question, holds the end of the yarn, throws the yarn to whomever will answer, who holds another part of the yarn and throws it to whomever else wants to answer until every one who wanted to answer that question has had a chance. Then, another person asks a question (this person gets the yarn), and the passing of yarn starts over again. This can be completed several times forming a web of yarn.
Leaders begin by asking some of the questions in the M&M Game (pg. 5) or other questions they create. Again, ask the less invasive and more general get-to-know-you questions. Then, add grief-related questions.
Participants participate by asking questions of their own.
Once the web forms, leaders point out to group members that the yarn is a map of their conversation and a symbol of the connection between the members (a web of friendship).
After it’s over, cut a piece of yarn for each of the participants. They can tie it on their wrist, have you keep it for their scrapbook, or take it home as a reminder that group ties them together.
Move Game (Adapted from Sharp Hospice Care, San Diego, CA)
Materials/Set Up:
Arrange Chairs in a circle with one extra chair than the number of people in the group.
Instructions:
Explain that the group leader will read a statement. If a member can answer, “Yes” to a statement, then member must move to an empty chair. If the member’s answer is “No” to the statement, the member stays in his/her own chair without moving. Read about 20 statements, beginning with very gentle statements and getting more personal. (Add new statements if you like). Activity does not need to be done in silence. Remind them that recognizing differences is OK, as long as it’s respectfully done.
Statements:
Everyone who likes pizza, MOVE.
Everyone who likes burgers and fries better than pizza, MOVE.
Everyone who has a vegetarian in their family, MOVE.
Everyone who is wearing jeans right now, MOVE.
Everyone who went out to the movies within the last month, MOVE.
Everyone who was not born in California, MOVE.
Everyone who has played football, soccer, or wrestling, MOVE
Everyone who has been swimming, skiing or snowboarding, MOVE.
Everyone who likes to watch basketball or soccer, MOVE.
Everyone who has changed schools within the last year, MOVE.
Everyone who had pieced ears, MOVE.
Everyone who has had a disagreement with a parent with in the last 2 weeks, MOVE.
Everyone who has had a pet die, MOVE.