Learning Through Conflict
Workshop by Sharon Tewksbury-Bloom, Project Director
Civic Service Institute, Northern Arizona University,
"Anytime we feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated, when the issue at stake are important and the outcome uncertain, when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it, there is potential for us to experience the conversation as difficult" (xv) Difficult Conversations
Scenario Exercise
Debrief Questions:
What was thought or felt but not said?
How could Jack have handled the conversation differently?
What were the feelings of each party?
New Insights
Ø Difficult conversations are not about what is true, they are about what is important.
Ø We invent other's intentions.
Ø What happened is a result of what both people did or did not do. Contributions vs. blame.
Ladder of Inference
Image by Joel M. Richter from Qinomics.com
Individual Reflection on Impact vs. Intention
Think of a situation in which you [wrongly] attributed intention to a comment or behavior, based on its impact on you. How did you realize that you had attributed intention? How did you find out that you were wrong?
From Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Pastis
Individual Activity
Think of a situation or problem you've been involved in recently. Briefly describe the situation. What are you trying to accomplish?
Fold a blank sheet of paper in half, lengthwise. Label the right - "what is said". Write out the dialogue of the difficult convo you've had or would have.
Label the left, "What I'm thinking". Go back and write out what you were thinking and/or feeling but not saying.
When Not to Have the Conversation
Prepare by sorting out the 3 conversations
· If the identity conversation reveals that the conflict is within you
· Sometimes action is the next step
· If your goal is to change the other person
· When you need to vent
Group Activity
Group of 3
Take turns being the initiator and the observer
Practice:
1. Start with the third story
2. Describe your purposes
3. Invite them to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation
4. Listen to their story, share your own view
Use of Self
Letting Go
· It's not my responsibility to make things better; it's my responsibility to do my best
· They have limitations too
· This conflict is not who I am
· Letting go doesn't mean I no longer care
Resources
Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, by Judy Ringer
Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
1