Since Then I Have Set My Course to Follow God but Have Often Felt I Am Failing, Not Making

Depression

I have suffered seven bouts of severe depression, some lasting up to five months beginning at age 24 and up to age 49. In each case there have been erosive internal events leading up to them but they have all started suddenly and also ended suddenly. The first occurred at LincolnCollege after a nightmare that I was going to hell. This nightmare served as a revelation that I was not right with God because of my sin. People had been telling me so for six years but I didn’t get it. Suddenly I understood my true position before God and thought it was too late. I plunged into a terrified state of depression. I snapped completely out of it five months later when I had another revelation that it wasn’t too late and so at that time I decided to trust only in the blood of Jesus. See Catholic Church and Redemption

Since then I have set my course to follow God but have often felt I am failing, not making much progress or not measuring up. Before theseventh episode occurred I became burnt out with an excessive work load. In all these cases I have been set up and when the flood-gates of doubt and fear opened I have plunged into depression. Each time my thought process is intensive and locked into my past with regrets. I go over and over the past and interpret it as bad. I believe I am a fraud as far as being a Christian goes and I try to persuade others. No-one can convince me otherwise. I believe the six years I had prior to age 24 when I was told the gospel were God’s only opportunity for repentance.

On emergence from the seventh episode of depression I have determined to get to the bottom of their source. Four months after the last episode I happened to break my right leg and found myself with five weeks of recuperation time at home. I read four of Larry Crabb’s books and one by Grant Mullens. These led me to reflect on past formative influences.

Grant Mullens tells how wounds or baggage from our past remain with us yet hidden from our awareness. These wounds make us vulnerable and give access to demons to speak lies into our minds. Then they wrongly interpret the events in negative terms relating to our self image. We come to think of ourselves as inferior, useless, misfit, odd or something similar - all lies. By contrast we are each the unique handiwork of God and designed to reflect Him in our own way - the wounds can be healed.

Larry Crabb exploresthe strategies we choose to cope with our wounds, apart from dependence on God. If these are brought out to the light and repented of we can lay a more secure foundation for our self-perception based on truth in our inner-most being.

Why have I been a victim of depression? I have come to the following understanding which I have titled ‘performance justification’.

Performance Justification

Two profound influences in my formative years were my father and my religion.

Dad had unmet needs in his life being short-changed by his Dad and he felt it.

So he unconsciously projected these needs onto me – his favourite son. I learned that Dad required pleasing. If he wasn’t pleased I was in danger of being put down as he was doing right before my eyes to my older brother. Dad was pleased when I achieved. I did so at school and in sport and also around the farm. The better I achieved the more Dad approved. The way to achieve was through performance.

Of course there is nothing wrong with performance as such, but for the right reasons. The right reason would have been to be responsible. The wrong reason that I picked up was to please Dad. This was reinforced by my primary teachers, the mercy nuns for whom I also achieved and gained the accompanying accolades.

The other powerful influence was the Catholic church. I learned that God required me to attend mass weekly and to refrain from eating meat on Friday both under the threat of mortal sin, which if not confessed, results in hell forever. The other ways to please God were to say rosaries, attend more masses, say novenas, go to confession, give money, be an altar boy, pay visits to the church and so on. The more of these things I did the more God might be pleased. I didn’t know how many were needed, and no matter how many I did, I still didn’t know if He was pleased or not. But the threat of hell was always there. Again the same principle applied. God required performance.

So the two dominant authority figures in my formative years both demanded performance. Both held a threat over me for non-performance. This perspective on life and particularly on authority figures was deeply programmed all through my childhood. At age 23 (Dad) & 24 (RC church) both of these influences departed from my life. However by then their programming had become deeply instilled in the foundation of my soul.

As adult life went on I still earnestly desired to please God. I learned, in theory at least, that God found me acceptable, not by my own performance, but by trust in the performance of His dear Son, Jesus. On embracing this truth I was deeply joyful and free. However, adult life has its ups and downs and especially so as I made lifestyle choices in view of His mission for me as I understood it. This took me away from the norm as far as life direction goes. In times of relative lack of performance or uncertainty about the next steps I became subject to the temptation that, because I have not been performing well, then God must not be pleased with me. I was subject to this temptation because of my early programming which had become seated in a far deeper place than the recently discovered justification by grace alone through faith. At these times the internal whispers became very prominent, to the point of insisting that because I was not performing then God was not pleased, and in fact I wasn’t actually a real Christian at all. That meant I was essentially no different from what I was as a religious boy, the consequence of which meant I was rejected, and would go to hell. This barrage of thought always began as a sudden onslaught and persisted with great intensity for up to five months resulting in depression. I had no power over these thoughts and no amount of reasoning could change them.

Recovery

In each case I was given a fresh revelation of the grace of God in the Gospel. Once I thought about the story of the Pharisee and the tax collector who went to pray, Luke 18:9-14. I identified with the (sinful) tax collector and noted that he went home right with God (by grace). On that insight of grace I recovered instantly.

During another episode I thought about the parable of the prodigal son. I thought that everything I had done wrong was also done by the prodigal yet he returned home repentant, forgiven and restored. I recovered then and there.

During another episode a lady shared Matthew 11:28, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest”. I noted there were no other conditions for receiving rest and instantly was restored.

In each case the simple Gospel message about free grace for lost sinners was the key to my recovery.

Issues

Do I have a predisposition to depression? No, I don’t believe so. It is not a condition found in my family. It has a cause in my formative influences. When those are understood and brought out into the open they can be addressed and corrected.

Does medication help? Yes, there is a chemical component to feeling depressed. This symptom can be reduced through medication to get towards a more stable frame of mind. The medication does not provide the solution to the underlying cause; this must be processed.

Is it demonic? Yes, demons have access to our mind and feed in lies which are designed to destroy us. They gain entrance through the traumas and faulty thinking we have been programmed with from our past. I became instantly freed from the last episode through a simple deliverance prayer.

Is counselling necessary? Yes. It is important to get to the source of our vulnerability which will lie in our past. Bringing these influences out into the open in a safe environment is necessary. Once discovered they need healing. For me counselling was most helpful after recovering when I am in a clearer mind space for rationally processing my past.

What is the place of prayer? People prayed for me in depression and I was kept safe. Also I have been forced to look deeper and experience the grace of God in those places. God turns such negative experiences into positives and with His grace we can help others. So God answered prayer. Only once did I get delivered by prayer directly.

Is it helpful to re-visit people in your past? Yes. I arranged to spend two hours with the man who first shared the Gospel with me before I responded. I had been plagued by some of the things he had said and felt cursed by them. On talking with him I discovered my interpretation of those things was wrong and subject to twisting by demonic lies which haunted me. I had no further trouble in those areas after that meeting.

What should you do if you get depressed? Get help. Don’t hide in shame. It is a commonly recognised sickness and it has solutions. Submit to the professional people in your world and listen to their alternative perspectives. Come to Jesus – He heals and makes people whole. Don’t go into denial after you recover. Be proactive in processing your internal world to bring out into the open the dysfunctional hurts of the past. Let your family and friends love you; don’t stay isolated.

A useful website is hosted by John Kirwin

Resources from Grant Mullins can be sourced through Jubilee Resources