JAMES BOND IN: JAMES BOND, SUPER-007 SPY
A screenplay by Atomic-Smash Hansen
Copyright: 2009 Atomic-Smash Hansen Starship Enterprises
James Bond Copyright: James Bond, 1960s.
FADE IN: James Bond’s house. He is just waking from his alarm clock. He shoots it off. Then he rolls over and kisses the naked girl in bed next to him.
JAMES
Morning, stranger.
LADY
Oh, James, you are such a laugh riot.
JAMES
Except that I’m serious. Who are you?
CUT TO: James Bond in his car, a spied-out El Camino flying down the interstate at top speed. Suddenly it falls through the ground, and the hole it fell through closes up with the trap door. We see James and the car float safely to the floor of the secret hideout. M walks over to the car.
M
God damn it all, James! I hate your ways!
JAMES
You’re just jealous.
M
You’re right you know, old bean. Here.
M hands James Bond a martini which James drinks.
JAMES
Ah! The freshmaker!
M
Would you cut that out???? We have very important business, James Bond. The business of world domination.
JAMES
Ah yes, the dastardly King Krupta has a satellite all set to beam a laser ray at the White House. I’m on it.
M
(To Camera) How does he do it?
CAMERA
I don’t know, either.
CUT TO: James Bond at a fancy party, dancing with a sexy girl. She leans over to whisper in his ear and winks.
JAMES
I heard that wink, sexy.
GIRL
But- you are amazing!
JAMES
You think that’s amazing? Check this out!
JAMES executes fancy footwork. A slow-clap off-screen comes from a very foreign guy.
KRUPTA
So you think you can dance, Mr….
JAMES
James. Bond. James Bond.
KRUPTA
WHAT!!! KILL HIM!!
The guards whip out their guns and shoot at James who somersaults to the wall and hits a button. The floor opens up and there’s a swimming pool underneath. The guards fall into the pool, drowning. The sexy girl does too and James jumps in after her.
GIRL
What happened to my clothes?
JAMES
I did.
He kisses her with a passion. FADE TO James Bond’s hotel room. He is lounging in a robe while the girl eats a chicken breast.
GIRL
Thank you I was so hungry for the food.
JAMES
What’s your name by the way?
GIRL
Casper. Casper the Friendly Spy.
JAMES
Spy?
CASPER pulls out a laser gun and shoots at JAMES, who tumbles away but is hit.
CASPER
(Into gun which is also a phone.) The eagle has landed, and was shot.
CUT TO: James Bond waking up, hanging upside down over the Grand Canyon.
KRUPTA
So, at last we meet, Mr. James. Bond. I can see why you are so popular. All the blood, it rushes, how you say, to your head.
JAMES
You’ll never get away with it, King Krupta!
KRUPTA
A-ha, but that is where you are wrong!
JAMES
Am I? I think-
JAMES frees himself, falling. There is a long pause where everybody thinks he is dead. Then his jet-pack shoes make him fly back up and he punches King Krupta in the face.
JAMES
Not!
CASPER
Oh, James! I was only kidding before! I’m not a bad guy. Please make me orgasm in sex again. James! James!
But it is too late. The police take everyone away. M walks over to the still-floating James Bond.
M
I don’t know how you do it, James, or why. But I love you for it. There. I said it.
JAMES
I wish you hadn’t.
They both laugh. CUT TO: the credits, showing James Bond doing all sorts of exciting stunts, like leaping head first through a flaming hoop, skiing down a gorgeous mountain, sticking his head in a lion’s mouth, and kissing a naked woman.
THE END