Introduction
{Slide 2}My name is Beth Gross and this is our 4th year (of 5) in Rochester. My husband, Brian, is an ENT resident. {Slide 3} We have 4 children: Ellis (age 6), Miller (age 4), Baelyn (age 2) and Benson (almost 3 months). We moved here from Charlottesville, VA and all of our immediate family lives in the southeast.
We have the privilege today of being joined by Willie Grimm, who will be singing a few songs I selected to go along with this message.
So let’s begin. This whole thing started last summer, as I was swimming laps, and God put the 10 P’s in my heart. I got out of the pool and sat, dripping wet, with a scratch sheet of paper and wrote down all 10 words down before I forgot them. My goal this morning is to conclude our series by sharing with you how I think the 10 P’s all work together.
{Slide 4}
Prioritize
Draws us to
Pray / Permit
equips us to
Protect, Persevere, Provide, Prevent, and (Abide)
Prompts us to
Praise and Preach
Prioritize
PRIORITIZE is the most important of the P’s. Without a relationship with Christ, my attempts to live out the 10 P’s in my medical marriage would be an utter failure. To be married to a resident, as you all know, requires a lot of the wife. Whew! When looking at the 10 P’s I start to wonder, how in the world could that ever be ME? It can’t. {Slide 5} Because ME leads to MEss. But when I invite God into my life and rely on Jesus….it becomes JesUS. That’s why we’re going to start with PRIORITIZE.
Tim Keller loves to say, “The Gospel changes everything.” It is so true! Knowing Jesus doesn’t make a medical marriage any easier, but He equips us with everything we need to be the wife He has designed us to be. Psalm 118:8 says “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.” In order to PRIORITIZE my relationship with God, I have to let go of the expectation that my husband will fill the giant, gaping holes in my life that can only be filled by God. This reliance on Jesus creates the foundation upon which a strong medical marriage can be built.
How do I PRIORITIZE my relationship with God? Is there an app for that? It can be more simple than you think. Just obey the Spirit of God as it tugs on your heart and draws you in. God designed us to need Him. We are like infants. Many times over the past 3 months I have heard my son, Benson, cry the cry that only means one thing…..he is absolutely desperate to nurse. Pacis don’t cut it – if anything, they make the problem worse and he despairs even more. When he gets like this in our house, (or once in Target!), at least one of my other children will yell, “Mom, he needs the boobs!” How clear the solution is to children. Maybe that’s why Jesus uses so many analogies about children to teach us about our faith.{Slide 6}“Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Luke 18:16-17. A child’s faith is uncomplicated, instinctual, wholehearted, and sold out.
You can be as content as a sleeping baby with a full belly {Slide 7} if your heart is full of God….even in the midst of a storm. At Benson’s 8 week well check, they asked me if he reacts to loud sounds. Umm, no…..because it is always loud in our house. He’s used to it. His deep contentment is unfazed by the chaos around him. By faith, it is possible to experience a similar, deep peace in Jesus while the world is raging around you.{Slide 8} Jennifer Rothchild says it well: “…it doesn’t have to be well with your circumstances to be well with your soul.”
Pray
How do we experience the fullness of knowing God? It begins with prayer. Prayer can be one of those things that a Christian does but worries they never do “right.” Prayer is not elusive. It doesn’t have to have a formula. It just requires a sincere heart, reverently presenting itself to the Lord. Paul Miller offers some excellent insights into the simple honesty of prayer in his book, The Praying Life.
{Slide 9}"...many people struggle to learn how to pray because they are focusing on praying, not on God."
“The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy. Don't try to get the prayer right; just tell God where you are and what's on your mind. In bringing your real self to Jesus, you give him the opportunity to work on the real you, and you will slowly change."
{Slide 10}“We look at the inadequacy of our praying and give up, thinking something is wrong with us. God looks at the adequacy of his son and delights in our sloppy, meandering prayers.
"At the center of self-will is me, carving a world in my image. At the center of prayer is God, carving me in his son's image."
{Slide 11} I also love a quote from Lysa Terkeurst: “submitting yourself in prayer for your husband means ducking low enough so that God can reach Him.”
Some people I know dedicate long stretches of time to prayer and reflection. This is wonderful, but I have found one to two word prayers to be equally helpful. Some days I have just prayed the word peace over and over, as I’ve asked God to infuse peace into the events of the day. {Slide 12} I’ve also prayed phrases like “your will be done,” “help me,” “show me how to love,” and “be still and know.” I also like to offer up to God just the names of the people I’m praying for, acknowledging that God knows our deepest prayers, those we don’t even know how to put words to. Prayer can be as natural and often as breathing. {Slide 13} Between you and God,prayer is a permanent connection with a constant dialogue.
Permit
There will be times when you feel you have lost the intimate, moment by moment connection with God. I think that is what He made the Sabbath for….which brings us to our next P, PERMIT.
I’ll be honest, this is a tricky one for me. Usually on Saturday mornings, Brian goes in before we are even awake for rounds. He usually finishes up around 12 or 1, and then I get “the call.” He’s wondering if he can go for a run before coming home. Sigh. In my head, I know he should go. I know his mind has been so crammed full of work-related thoughts for the past 5 days that he needs the time to clear them out and make room for God. He needs a chance to be able to hear God’s still small voice.{Slide 14} Paul Miller says, “You don't create intimacy. You make room for it.” Yet, my selfish heart just wants him to get home so I can take a nap. Or so that he can see the kids he hasn’t seen since last Sunday. Or so he can finally tackle that growing “to do” list of jobs I cannot do myself.
But I’ve learned the hard way that I need to PERMIT Brian and also PERMIT myself. I am a doer. Since college, I have struggled with anxiety in my life. Ironically, I usually don’t get anxious when I have a ton of stuff going on. I like to be busy. I love “ to do” lists. I need a Sabbath as much as Brian does. {Slide 15} We both need to intentionally slow down and say to God, “You are way more important than all I have going on here.” It’s realizing, we don’t need anything but Jesus.
This fall, I experienced a Sabbath unlike any I had experienced before. I spent 5 weeks on bed rest after Benson showed signs of arriving early. Initially, I thought, wow, this is awesome! I will lie in bed all day, read all the books I want, take all the naps I want, and someone else will do everything! This feeling lasted all of about 2 days. The rest of bed rest was a very painful, emotional, depressing, and slow time that God used to teach me the real truth of what I said before…I don’t need anything but Jesus.
Tim Keller has some great insights on permitting yourself to take a Sabbath in his book, “Gospel in Life.” {Slide 16} He says, “Most people mistakenly believe that all you have to do to stop working is just not work.” I really like his definition of what a Sabbath is. It doesn’t have to be just sitting around and doing nothing and it doesn’t have to be on Sundays. It can be immersing yourself in nature, recreation, beauty…basically, it’s taking a break from our work in order to enjoy God. Tim Keller says, {Slide 17}“Sabbath is the deliberate limitation of productivity….The purpose of the Sabbath is to enjoy God, life in general, what you have accomplished in the world through His help.”
Even on the days when I do finish my To Do list, I am left unsatisfied. You all can relate…how long does a To Do list stay empty? It usually takes about10 minutes before I’ve thought of something to add for the next day. God knew that we wouldn’t find ultimate fulfillment in our work. This is why He designed us to take Sabbath rest. {Slide 18} Keller says it so well, “Only when we have identity, meaning and significance based in Jesus – something beyond our work – will we find deep rest for our souls, a rest that will abide with us in our work. Why? Only Jesus offers us a finished work to rest in. A Christian is someone who rests in Jesus’ finished work instead of his or her own.”
{Slide 19} Last weekend, when Brian and I went to Scottsdale, AZ for an ENT conference, I realized the truth in Paul Miller’s statement: “We must have this deep spiritual rest, or else we will experience a weariness that vacations can’t cure.” I can’t count on my vacations to cure my need for rest, especially if it rains on my vacation. Our last day in Arizona, (isn’t that the desert where it never rains?), it was pouring down rain for the entire day. I looked out at the sad, empty pool and I was surprised to see one person skipping happily through the rain, towel in hand, towards the pool. It was a child. She was a great example to me of the deep, unquenchable joy that resting in Jesus can bring to my life. It didn’t matter to her that it was pouring down rain on her vacation. Her inner peace was untouched by her circumstances.
{Slide 20} Now Willie will be sharing a song about prioritizing, permitting and praying.
“The More I Seek You” by Kari Jobe ~ 4:05
(ABIDE)
{Slide 21} One gift that we can give our husbands is the gift of abiding while in parentheses. Last spring, Emma Barnhart spoke to our group about what it meant for her to abide in Jesus during the time she spent being treated for breast cancer. She calls this her parentheses. We all have parentheses – maybe you feel like you are in one right now. Residency is a classic parentheses. We knew when we moved from Virginia to Minnesota that we would only be here for 5 years. At the end of residency, we plan to move back to the Southeast where all of our family is. If I spend every day just living for the end of these 5 years, I will miss all that God has planned for me here. I will also put undue pressure on my husband if he sees discontent in me. The only way I am able to abide in parentheses is by abiding in Jesus. John 15:4 says “Abidein me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” {Slide 22} Brian drew this picture for me when we were dating, and chose the verse from Romans 11:18 to include on it. “You do not support the root, but the root supports you.” This hangs in our room and is a great reminder to me that I will wither up and dry out completely unless I seek contentment daily in God’s provisions for me. God has amazing plans for us, and when we agree to participate in them, we slow down, start living for today, and realize that we already have everything we really ever need.
A friend of mine said something to me one day that I thought was a classic example of the emptiness of our future-mindedness. She said, “I cannot wait until the end of residency so I can finally pay full price for the things that I buy. I’m so tired of always looking for things on sale.” I am sure that when she does get to have that grand, “full price” shopping spree at Target, it maybe fun and fulfilling for the day, but it will never satisfy her soul in the way that abiding in Jesus can. Jesus’ provisions supersede our circumstances. A relationship with God is the key to experiencing true joy and happiness regardless of where we live, what stage in training our husbands are in, how much money we have, and how hard our husbands are working. When our husbands see this deep contentment in us, it helps them to take a deep breath, settle in, and do the same.
Protect
{Slide 23} I heard someone make a statement once that has stayed with me. She said, “You can always tell when someone is new at SBS because all they do is complain about how hard their life is.” Ouch. That was, and still is, me. My tongue was very, very busy during Brian’s first year of residency here. I didn’t deal with the shock of his schedule well, and I told everyone who would listen.
That was until I got myself a “blah blah” friend or two. Robin Morgenthaler coined this term, the “blah blah” friend. This is a very close friend who you can call up and let it all out… “blah blah blah blah blah.” If you have picked a good “blah blah” friend, she will hear you out, pray for you, offer wisdom and encouragement, and point you straight back to your Savior’s arms.
By deliberately choosing a “blah blah” friend, you are deliberately choosing NOT to unload on your children, your parents, his parents, your friends, or anyone else. In doing so, you are protecting your husband. We are wise to heed the advice from the Proverbs 13:3 ~“Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin. (Proverbs 13:3)
I know it’s not his fault that his schedule is so demanding. And I know Brian is a wonderful man, so why would I paint a picture with my words that would allow anyone to believe anything else? Our words can be powerful. They can pierce like swords. {Slide 24} Think about how differently my children would feel about their dad in these 2 scenarios. Let’s say we thought Brian was going to make it home for dinner. The table is set, food is ready, and the children are starving. I get a text from Brian that says…. “running late…at least another hour.” I can A, say this to my children “I should have known your dad wouldn’t make it for dinner. He never makes it for dinner. You can go ahead and start eating because your dad isn’t coming. He’s working late again. You know….I should have just ordered pizza.” Or I can say this, option B: “Kids, daddy is so sad that he’s not going to make it home to eat dinner with us. But a patient needs his help and daddy is a very good doctor and he can help his patient feel better. Daddy is going to get home as fast as he can late tonight – he’s going to be so excited to see you!” I wish I always chose option B, but I don’t. You would have thought by now that I would have learned that if I complain and speak poorly of my husband in front of others, everyone loses. But if I choose to restrain my tongue, everyone wins.
Prevent
{Slide 25} Mental illness has become an especially powerful influence in my life, as I have seen addictions harm my own parents’ medical marriage. My dad, an emergency medicine doctor, has battled alcohol and later drug abuse for most of his life.
I have prayed for my dad for my entire life, and just last year, at the age of 68, my dad went into an inpatient detox and treatment center for 3 months and came out a changed man. He will tell you that it is the best thing he has ever done in his life, and that the rest of his life has just begun. One of the sayings that AA uses is “But for the grace of God.” My dad truly knows what it means to be saved by grace. In his weakness, Christ has made him strong.I have never been more proud of my dad.
If you struggle with untreated depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, alcohol or drug abuse, or any other compulsions like over-spending, over-exercising, gambling or pornography, God can redeem you, and in redeeming you, God can also redeem your marriage. God is the ultimate physician. Seek help, admit you have a problem, and allow God to transform your life and your marriage.
In our culture, mental illness is given a bad rap. It is underestimated and underappreciated….and it is definitely under-treated. It’s a lot easier to admit that you have cancer than to admit that you are starving yourself. There is also a stigma that people with mental illnesses should just “get over it” or “fix it themselves.” Not true. Addictions are powerful, and most require help beyond ourselves.
{Slide 26}
“From the end of the earth I will cry to You,