A Musical Comedy in Two Acts

DRAGON SLAYER

A musical comedy in two acts

Tony Scialli

FULL-LENGTH VERSION

301-514-3081

Revision 25

2/12/17

DRAGON SLAYER

A musical comedy in two acts

Tony Scialli

FULL-LENGTH VERSION

Dramatis Personae

Lenny: 20s. A writer who is making a living waiting tables while working on his masterpiece, a Broadway show. Lenny is committed to his project to the exclusion of being a human being. Tenor range with falsetto forays.

Lenore: 20s. A dancer who waits tables in the same diner. She is in love with Lenny in spite of being ignored by him and is desperate for some affection. Soprano range.

The Boss:40s or 50s with a big belly. The villain of the show who hounds his employees at the diner. The Boss transparently disguises himself as the crook Sparafucile and as Max Bialystock, characters who cheat and torment Lenny. Baritone range.

Genevieve:20s. The female lead in the show Lenny is writing, and therefore a product of his imagination. This imaginary character won’t behave like one. She escapes from Lenny’s imagination and is firmly in command by the end of the show. Mezzo soprano range. Doubles as Kate, a sophisticated New York who wanders in and out of scenes.

The Ensemble:

Brian, Rod, & Nicky: 20s & 30s. Male New Yorkers and other imaginary characters. Chorus parts written in tenor and baritone.

Rickie, Eve, & Lucy: 20s & 30s. Female New Yorkers and other imaginary characters. Chorus parts written in soprano and alto.

Act 1

Scene 1. Times Square

Scene. Times square, morning. A CHORUS(BRIAN, ROD, NICKY, RICKIE, EVE, LUCY) of diverse New York types including BOSS and LENORE is going about their business. CueWriter in New York.

CHORUS

NEW YORK, NEW YORK,

CENTER OF CULTURE, CENTER OF ART.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK,

WHERE YOU MUST GO TO GET A GOOD START.

(Enter LENNY, a bohemian type with a beret, a notebook, and a pen)

CHORUS, KATE, LENORE, BOSS / LENNY
NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
CENTER OF CULTURE, CENTER OF ART,
NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
WHERE YOU MUST GO TO GET A
I AM A WRITER IN NEW YORK
good start,
I AM A WRITER IN NEW YORK
BECAUSE IT IS MY DESTINY,
I AM THE MAGIC OF THE CITY,
I AM AN ARTIST, LOOK AT ME!
I WRITE MY DRAMAS WITH A FLAIR,
OF AWESOME STAGING I AM THE KING,
I PULL MY MUSIC FROM THIN AIR,
MINE ARE THE SONGS YOU LOVE TO SING!
CHORUS, LENORE, and BOSS
NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
CENTER OF CULTURE, CENTER OF ART.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
WHERE YOU MUST GO TO GET A GOOD START. / NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
CENTER OF CULTURE, CENTER OF ART.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
WHERE YOU MUST GO TO GET A GOOD START.
WEARE ALL ARTISTS IN NEW YORK.
RICKIE (as Statue of Liberty)
I AM AN ACTOR,
NICKY (as Naked Cowboy)
I CAN SING,
CHORUS, KATE, LENORE, BOSS
WE ARE THE MAGIC OF THE CITY
ROD
I AM A MODEL,
LENORE
I CAN DANCE!
(Dance break)
CHORUS (staggered entrances)
YOU’RE A HIT OR A FLOP,
A HIT OR A FLOP, / BOSS
A HIT OR A FLOP, / SINK TO THE BOTTOM
LENNY
A HIT OR A FLOP / OR RISE TO THE TOP
I AM A WRITER IN NEW YORK
BECAUSE IT IS MY DESTINY,
I AM THE MAGIC OF THE CITY,
I AM AN ARTIST, LOOK AT ME!
WHEN YOU’RE A WRITER IN NEW YORK,
YOU’RE NOT AN ORDINARY GUY,
YOU HOLD THE KEY, YOU HAVE THE POWER
TO MAKE THE PEOPLE LAUGH OR CRY.
CHORUS and BOSS / LENNY
I WRITE MY DRAMAS WITH A FLAIR
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
OF AWESON STAGING I’M THE KING
CENTER OF CULTURE
I PULL MY MUSIC FROM THIN AIR
CENTER OF ART
MINE ARE THE SONGS YOU LOVE TO SING, SING!
BOSS
RISE TO THE BOTTOM,
RISE TO THE BOTTOM,
RISE TO THE BOTTOM,
RISE TO THE BOTTOM. / YOU’RE AT THE BOTTOM!
LENNY
SINK TO THE TOP.
CHORUS, LENORE and BOSS
NEW YORK! / NEW YORK!

(Button. A storefront in the set opens to reveal a seedy diner, tables, chairs, a counter. ROD, NICKY, EVE, RICKIE,and LUCY are seated as customers. Over the counter is a sign, Mel’s Diner. The BOSS comes out from behind the counter. HE has a dirty apron over his pot belly and chews a cigar. HE looks LENNY up and down with disgust, motions for him to take off that stupid beret, and hands him a dirty apron of his own.)

BOSS

What a load of crap!

(HE sings)

YOU ARE A WAITER IN NEW YORK,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU TRY TO DO,

YOU'LL NEVER BE MORE THAN A SERVANT,

YOU ARE A BUM! JUST LOOK AT YOU!

LENNY / CHORUS
I AM STILL A WRITER
IN NEW YORK
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
I AM AN ARTIST
CENTER OF CULTURE
CENTER OF ART.

(LENNY puts on the apron and takes up a broom.)

Lenny, you are an extremely confused young man. You’ve mixed up your alphabet, now haven’t you? You’re confusing the letter “a” and the letter “r.” You’re a waiter,

W-A-I-T-U-R, not writer, W-R-I-T-U-R, waiter. See the difference?A, R, A, R.

LENNY

Come on, boss, everyone knows that great writers always make a living waiting tables in nasty little diners while they’re waiting for their big break. I’m going to be the greatest writer of them all, so why shouldn’t I wait tables in the nastiest diner of them all—yours?

BOSS

(Mocking) New York, New York. Not very original is it? I like the other song better…

(HE sings the Kander-Ebb tune.)

START SPREADING THE NEWS,

I’M LEAVIN’ TODAY

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

VOICE OFF

Wrong show!

BOSS

Whatever.

LENNY

That wasn’t original either. Before that one, there was…

(singing the Bernstein tune from On the Town)

NEW YORK, NEW YORK,

IT’S A WONDERFUL TOWN,

THE BRONX IS UP AND

THE BATTERY’S DOWN.

VOICE OFF

Wrong show!

LENNY

Whatever.

BOSS

Why do you always have to correct me? Why don’t you ever just say, “Yes, Boss,” and shut up and sweep the floor?

(The BOSS goes upstage to a kitchen area where he is visible flipping burgers.)

LENNY

Yes, boss. And shut up and sweep the floor.

(HE sweeps.)

A real patron of the arts, that one.

(LENORE enters. SHE is dressed for work as a waitress.SHE has a thing for LENNY, but he doesn’t know it. SHE is insecure and self-conscious but is doing her best to break into the theater as a dancer.)

BOSS

(from the kitchen area)

Lenore, you’re late!

LENORE

Sorry I’m late. I had an audition.

(to LENNY)

Lenny, I had an audition!

LENNY

(not caring)

That’s nice, Lenore.

(THEY work as they speak.)

LENORE

Don’t you want to know how it went?

LENNY

So how did it go?

LENORE

They said they would let me know.

LUCY

I wish I had a nickel for every time they said they would let me know.

LENORE

(Her cell phone beeps. SHE looks at her text message.)

That was quick. My dancing was good, but my acting was not so good. I guess they got too many dancers-not-actors and actors-not-dancers in this town. They’re looking for dancers who can sing and act.That sucks.

EVE

Dancers-and-singers-and-acrobats-and-ticket takers all in one.

ROD

Yes, Eve, and now the actors are all playing instruments onstage. I hope we don’t have to play instruments.

NICKY

You said it, Rod. I ain’t getting paid enough to play no instrument.

LUCY

(SHE produces an instrument and plays a tune.)

If they tell you to play an instrument, Nicky, you’ll play an instrument. It’s a tough town.

LENNY

It may be a tough town, but it’s the only town for me. I love it. And I’m going to own this town someday. I’m writing the best damn show this city has ever seen. Have I told you how it goes?

RICKIE

(SHE rolls her eyes, against a backdrop of general muttering from other CUSTOMERS.)

Yes, Lenny, you’ve told us how it goes.

LENORE

I’d love to hear how it goes, Lenny.

LUCY

Lenore, you’ve heard it a million times.

LENORE

That’s okay, Lucy. It’s such a wonderful story, I’d love to hear it again.

LENNY

You would? Great, Lenore. It isa wonderful show, isn’t it? Now, picture this: we’re in the middle ages. Knights and ladies and all that. Real King Arthur stuff.

ROD

It’s been done, kid. They called the show, Camelot.

(ROD starts singing the title song from Camelot.)

IN SHORT, THERE'S SIMPLY NOT
A MORE CONGENIAL SPOT
FOR HAPPILY-EVER-AFTERING THAN HERE
IN CAMELOT.

VOICE OFF

Wrong show!

RICKIE, ROD, NICKY, EVE and LUCY

(THEY take up thesong from Camelot, hamming it up).

CAMELOT!

BRIAN

(HE wanders in dressed as a tourist, sunglasses, Hawaiian shirt, & camera, in time to hear the singing.)

I just love the old Broadway revivals. Sure beats the lousy new stuff they try to push these days. Just the other day, I saw a show where the actors were playing the instruments onstage!

(LENOREshows him to a seat.)

RICKIE

Hey, Lenny, how about getting Alec Guiness to play Merlin?

ROD

Alec Guiness? From the oldStar Wars? Can he sing? Can he dance?

EVE

He can’t sing and he can’t dance, because he’s dead. But he sure was good with a light saber. That’s what those round table guys needed, some light sabers. They coulda kicked some serious butt.

LENORE

Don’t listen to them, Lenny, they’re just jealous.

BOSS

(from the kitchen area).

Is anyone working around here besides me?

LENNY and LENORE

Yes, boss, we’re working.

(Cue Dragon Slayer)

LENNY

(HE speaks over the introduction.)

All right, you jokers. Get ready for a real musical extravaganza. The stage is set. Knights, ladies, wizards, and…dragons!

(During this song, LENNY, LENORE, and CUSTOMERS act out the story, using Diner items as props. Of course, LENNY plays the hero.

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DRAGON ON THE LOOSE

WHEN HE ROARED HE BURNED UP HERDS OF CATTLE WITH HIS BREATH,

THE WORD WENT OUT FOR BRAVE YOUNG MEN TO END THE BEAST'S ABUSE,

THEN TRUMPETS BLARED AND KNIGHTS CAME FORTH TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

LENORE

IN THE TOWN LIVED FLORESTAN, THE HERO OF THE SHOW,

FLORESTAN WAS FAINT OF HEART, NOT WANTING TO GET KILLED,

CHILDREN LAUGHED, THEY CALLED HIM NAMES BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT GO

FIGHT THE DRAGON ONE-ONE ONE, HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE GRILLED.

(EVE, LUCY, RICKY as children jeer at LENNY.)

LENNY, LENORE, and CHORUS (in canon)

HE WANTED TO BE A DRAGON SLAYER,

BUT HE WANTED TO AVOID BECOMING ARMORED TOAST.

BUT HE WANTED TO AVOID

BUT HE WANTED TO AVOID BECOMING ARMORED TOAST.

(KATE enters in a chic head-scarf and sun glasses, looks curiously at the entourage of adults playing parts, tentatively takes a seat and looks at a menu.)

LENNY

ENTER PRETTY GENEVIEVE, WHO LOVES OUR FRIGHTENED KNIGHT,

SHE SAYS KILLING DRAGON MAY HELP HIM BECOME A MAN,

LENNY and LENORE

SHE GIVES HIM HER LACE PETTICOAT TO CARRY IN THE FIGHT

AND SHE HIRES A MAGICIAN TO GIVE FLORESTAN A PLAN.

KATE

(SHE speaks over the bridge.)

Can I get some service here?

LENORE

Not yet.

LENORE

(SHErecites over the bridge.)

The magician took the maiden's money like a crook,

Telling Florestan that he would arm him with a charm

Taken from the pages of a mammoth magic book and

Guaranteed to make him safe from dragonary harm.

KATE

(as SHE exits in disgust)

This is the worst eating establishment I have ever seen. Just wait for my Yelp review!

LENNY

Pay attention. Here’s where Rumplesnitz comes in.

LENORE, LENNY, and CHORUS (in canon)

HE NEEDED BUT TO UTTER "RUMPLESNITZ," AND

EV'RY DRAGON WITHIN EARSHOT WOULD BECOME A LAMB.

LENORE and LENNY

WHAT A GREAT SUCCESS WAS HAD BY OUR GOOD FLORESTAN,

DRAGON CORPSES AT HIS FEET LAY PILED BY AND BY,

IF A DRAGON DARED TO SHOW HIS SNOUT IN THAT FAIR LAND

RUMPLESNITZ WOULD BE THE LAST SOUND HEARD BEFORE HE DIED!

CUSTOMER 1

A happy ending! It will never sell. It’s too linear. How many shows go just like that: Girl meets boy, boy meets dragon, boy kills dragon, boy wins girl. It’s been done before.

LENORE

Wait. Lenny, tell them the rest.

LENNY

Yeah, listen, guys. This part is where the psychological drama comes in. It’s a cut above all those other, simple shows, because it shows how important your state of mind is.

BOSS

(HE calls from the kitchen area.)

Lenny, Lenore, pick up! Who ordered the house special?

LENNY

Unless, of course, your state of mind is a barren Lilliputian wasteland.

(HE recites.)

Fifty pairs of dragon ears were pinned to his shield when

He learned the magician had been sentenced as a fake,

Genevieve assured him that his skills were not pretend,

He was scared but still he went to battle for her sake.

LENORE

(SHE recites.)

Dragon number fifty one was kind of small and thin,

All the same, poor Florestan was terrified, he lacked

Confidence in Rumplesnitz and confidence to win,

And without his confidence, he never would come back.

LENNY AND LENORE

HE HAD BECOME A DRAGON SLAYER

BUT IN THE END, HE WAS STILL JUST ARMORED TOAST!

(Button. BRIAN exits.)

BOSS

(HE ENTERS, interrupting the Button. HE looks around.)

Pick up! Lenny, what are you quacking about? Why is my diner such a mess?

LENNY

I was just telling everyone about my show. You know, where Florestan gets the magic word, Rumplesnitz!

BOSS

Around here, the magic word is “yer butt,” as in where my foot is going if you keep slacking off.

(BOSS goes upstage to the kitchen area.)

LUCY

Did you make up the story, Lenny?

BOSS

(calling from upstage)

You know what he’s going to make up? The time he spends screwing around on my dime.

LENNY

No,Lucy, I got the idea from The Fifty-first Dragon, a story by a guy named Heywood Broun.He was a guy who lived in Brooklyn during the Middle Ages, I think.

EVE

But, the story ain’t original. You can’t use it.

NICKY

Yeah, the story ain’t original. You can’t use it.

LENNY

Who cares about original? Look at my life. I’m a wanna-be writer working as a waiter. Right?

RICKIE, ROD, NICKY, and LUCY

Right.

LENNY

You know Jonathan Larsen, the guy who wrote Rent?

ROD

Rest his soul. Famous guy and very original.

LENNY

Well the joke’s on you, Rod. He didn’t have an original bone in his body. Rent is just a dressed-down version of La Bohème. And before that, he wrote a showcalled Tick, Tick…Boom!The hero is a waiter who’s trying to write the next great musical. Larson stole that show from my life.

LENORE

From the life of half the waiters in New York.

LENNY

So, nothing is original.

(He declaims dramatically.)

“There is nothing new under the sun.”

NICKY

Now that’s original.

LUCY

My brother-in-law is a lawyer. He could represent you in negotiations with Heywood Broun’s estate.

LENNY

You expect me to pay money to write a show I haven’t even sold yet?

RICKIE

That’s how it works.

LENNY

No way, clown!

BRIAN

(HE enters dressed as a clown.)

Excuse me, young man.I believe you have just made an unlicensed literary reference to my intellectual property.

LENNY

Get lost, bozo.

BRIAN

(HE sinks to his knees and sings to Pagliacci aria.)

RIDI, PAGLIACCI

I WOULD LIKE SOME COFFEE

WITH SOME SUGAR AND SOME CREAM

LENORE

Uh, wrong show. I can help you.

(SHEbrings BRIAN to the counter.)

LENNY

You’re a pal, Lenore. Let me know if I can ever do you a favor.

LENORE

Well, there was one little thing, Lenny.

LENNY

What’s that?

LENORE

When you sell your show, can I play Genevieve?

LENNY

Well, um, I’m not sure I can promise you that, Lenore.

LENORE

(SHEpouts.)

Why not?

LENNY

Well, for Genevieve, I’ll need an actress who’s really good. Someone who can dance, sing,andact.

LENORE

Oh…I see...well, I suppose you can’t make any promises, then.

(SHEexits, sniffling.)

NICKY

Nice going, dude.

LENNY

What did I do?

LUCY

That girl likes you and you just shot her down.

LENNY

Likes me? Nah…that’s just Lenore. We work together.

BOSS

(HE comes downstage from the kitchen area.)

Work? Coulda fooled me!

RICKIE

Lenny, why are you so cold?

LENNY

I’m not cold, I’m committed. I want my show to be perfect. This show is my Mona Lisa, my Sistine Chapel ceiling.

ROD

Leonardo da Vinci woulda been nicer to poor Lenore.

LENNY

How would you know? Look, I’m an artist. I promised my granddad that I would fulfill my responsibility to my art.