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Citizen Khan – Episode 6
Citizen Khan
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!
Episode 6 – The Khans’ Anniversary
Aliya Khan: I thought Dad was going to ______!
Shazia Khan: ______!
Aliya:____?
Shazia:____!
Mr Khan: Come on – get ready! ______!
Shazia:Oh, what? ______?
Mr K:To pray, of course! And ______of the new Pakistani Business Association – Mr Javed! I want him to see ______! You see? ______!
Mrs Khan: No, I’m not – ______!______?
Mr K:Cold? ______!
Mrs K:You’re wearing your long johns!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:Eh?
Shazia:Please, Dad, ______!
Aliya:______, Papaji!
Mr K:______! I tell you – ______! Wearing hijab – not only preserves her modesty, ______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:No! ______, and I say it stays off!
Mrs K:Fine – ______!
Mr K:Very well – ______– since it is special day!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:______!
Shazia:Oh, ______!
Amjad Malik: Congratulations, sir!______?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:Wow!
Mr K:Yes! ______!
Amjad:Right! ______?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:Amazing! ______!
Shazia:It’s a real achievement – ______!
Mr K:Thank you, Shazia!
Shazia:______! Oh, you should take her away, ______! Like the Caribbean, or the Maldives!
Mr K:Or Pakistan! Did you know, Pakistan is now ______tourist destination in Asia! Good, eh?
Aliya:What about tonight? ______?
Mr K:Yes!
Shazia:______!
Mr K:______!
Shazia:______! Do you remember on Mum’s-
Mr K:Hello? ______? Have I got invisible voice? I said I’ve got something planned, OK? Very special evening – ______! I can’t do this – ______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______!
Mr K:Sweetie – ______?
Mrs K:Oh, no! ______!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:From the Guptas! They can’t come to Shazia’s wedding!
Mr K:Oh, well!
Mrs K:They don’t even give a reason!
Mr K:Indians, you see – ______! Now come on – ______!
Mrs K:But ______!
Mr K:Good! Less people sponging off me!______!
Mrs K:But we’ve already agreed the numbers with the caterers – ______!
Shazia:Oh! If we’re inviting extra people, I’d like ______!
Mr K:No, no, no! We can’t go on feeding every Tom, Dick and Mohammed!______? Sir Bob bleeding Geldof?
Shazia:Matt and Debbie from work ______!
Mr K:No, no, no bloody way! This is a Pakistani wedding! “Matt and Debbie” ______!
Shazia:Please don’t tell me ______at our wedding!
Mr K:Bob Geldof ______– ______! No! If we have to have someone, we’ll invite Mr Javed and his family!
Shazia:______! We don’t want to do our nikah[marriage contract] in front of complete strangers!
Mr K:______, you know! Mr Javed is a very important man!
Shazia:______to suck up to your business mates!
Mr K:Why not? ______!
Mrs K:I know! We’ll invite the Parvezes!
Mr K:___?
Mrs K:SaminaParvez! ______– ______before they moved to Woking! Had a little boy – Imran – used to play with Shazia!
Shazia:______!
Mrs K:______!______!
Mr K:But Sweetie – I want to invite Mr Javed!
Mrs K:I have to have Samina at the wedding – ______!
Aliya:______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:No! Look, ______, I’m paying for this wedding, ______!
Mrs K:Here – ______!
Mr K:No, I won’t – ______!
Mrs K:Chalo [Come on]!
Mrs K:Ooh!
Mr K:Come on, ______!
Dave:See, every time I go into this, ______!
Riaz:Oh, yeah!
Omar:______?
Riaz, Omar: As-salaamualeikum, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Waaleikum salaam, boys!
Dave:As-salaamualeikum!
Mr K:Hello, Dave!
Omar:______?
Mr K:Yes, of course! But I’m also here ______of the SPBA, Mr Javed – ______!______?
Riaz:______?
Mr K:______?______? Does he have a serious medical condition? These are things you need to know ______!
Riaz:______!
Mr K:Dave?
Dave:______, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Well ______?
Dave:______!
Mr K:Oh, ______, Dave! This is the problem with you gingers – ______!
Dave:It’s this new spreadsheet program – I thought it might streamline the mosque’s booking system, ______!
Omar:______!
Riaz:______! He caught it from a goat! Not like that – ______!
Mr K:Right, come on, ______– ______!
Dave:Right. So every time I open up this spreadsheet thingy, ______and then______, and nothing seems to er- work, and then- ______?
Mr K:______!
Dave:______!
Mr K:______!
Dave:You know this computer should really only be used for mosque business, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Well ______, and ______!
Riaz:______!
Dave:That’s not what I meant!
Mr K:And ______!
Dave:______?
Mr K:Wedding invitation! Mrs Khan has suddenly remembered ______!
Dave:The Parvez family?
Mr K:Yes – ______.
Riaz:Had the boy with the funny eye?
Mr K:That’s it!
Dave:______!
Mr K:So?
Dave:Again ______, is it, Mr Khan?
Mr K:You know, Dave, all this penny pinching, it’s a very unattractive trait! Mr Javed! Oh, Mr Javed!
Mr Javed: As-salaamualeikum!
Dave:Waaleikum salaam!
Mr K:Waaleikum salaam!
Mr J:______, am I?
Mr K:______– ______!
Mr J:Actually it’s er, ______!______– SPBA business!
Dave:______, Mr Javed!
Mr J:Er, ______, ______!
Dave:______!
Mr K:Mr Javed, sir!
Mr J:Yes?
Mr K:I wanted to – ______!
Mr J:Erm-
Mr K:Yes – ______– ______! I was going to put it in the post, but - now that you’re here –
Mr J:Er – thank you! ______!
Mr K:______? ______!
Mr J:Khodahafez![May God be your guardian]
Mr K:Khodahafez! Let me get the door! Oh, goodbye! ______!
Omar:I thought that invitation was for the man with the cross-eyed children!
Mr K:Mr Javed is ______! ______to have him at my daughter’s wedding!
Dave:______?
Mr K:Of course – ______!
Dave:______?
Mr K:Dave – what you have to understand is, that in Pakistani marriage______! He’s the boss, and ______– but sometimes, it’s best ______, because ______, and only worry and fuss – and ______!
Mrs K:This is prayers! ______!
Amjad:______, anybody could just come in and take them, couldn’t they?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:So I thought, if I can keep hold of one, then ______!
Mr K:Amjad!
Amjad:______, are they? They’re going to want both, you see, ’cause ______!
Mr K:Amjad!
Amjad:Yes, sir?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:______– ______!
Shazia:______!
Amjad:Oh, no!
Mrs K:Did you post the Parvezes’ invitation?
Mr K:You know, I’ve never realised ______!
Mrs K:Hello? ______?
Mr K:Still, ______! ______! Do you know Tesco now serves halal meat? Every little helps, haina?
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:______! OK? ____! ______!
Mrs K:Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Mr K:______! Limbering up! Very religious woman!
Mrs K:______! How could you do this? ______! And in the house of God of all places!______!
Mr K:______! And we never see the Parvezes anyway!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:All right, all right, ______– ______why I didn’t send out the Parvezes’ invitation!
Mrs K:______?______?
Mr K:______, but – you remember – the son – Imran, ______-
Mrs K:______, hah?
Mr K:Yes, well he had er- ______for Shazia!
Mrs K:_____ – ____ – ______?
Mr K:Not – ______– ______!
Mrs K:So?
Mr K:So what if he never got over her?______? What if we invited them to the wedding and ______?______– “Oh, Shazia, ______! Don’t marry Amjad – ______! Come away with me! I can get my eye fixed – ______!”
Mrs K:That would have been awful!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:Thank God ______!
Mr K:You see? You think ______, but I do! Mrs Khan, ______, ______! Hey! Move along now!
Mr K:Mr Javed! Psst! Psst!Hai,Javed!
Amjad:Everything all right?
Mr K:______, Amjad!
Amjad:______with Mrs Khan?
Mr K:______! Hello, Mr Khan speaking! Hello, Mrs Khan!______, darling! Yes, but I’m just about to start praying! I know, but- Yes, I know, but-______that Shazia______with Imran Parvez, is it? OK, sweetie – OK, OK, bye! Goodbye!
Amjad:Oh my God, Shazia!
Mr K:Amjad, people are praying!______!
Amjad:Oh, my God, Shazia! Oh, my God!Oh, my God!Oh, my God!
Mr K:Careful, Amjad – ______! ______!
Amjad:______? How?
Mr K:Amjad, you’re overreacting, ______!
Amjad:But – Imran Parvez! ______! How much I liked Shazia, how ______– and all that time ______– ______!
Mr K:Don’t torture yourself! Trust me, ______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:All right, he’s got a terrible squint! He probably just winked at her ______!______to squinty peoples!
Amjad:That’s it then! ______!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:______, can we?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:But – Shazia’s got somebody else!
Mr K:______!
Amjad:But what about-
Mr K:______– you just need to forget about Imran Parvez!
Amjad:Imran Parvez! Tell me honestly, ______?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:You would say that – ______! I’m going to see Shazia, tell her we’re finished!
Mr K:Amjad, ______– you’re too upset!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Amjad, ______!______when you’re like this!Amjad! Oh, God!
Dave:Hey, hey, ______? People are trying to pray out there you know!
Mr K:______? ______!
Dave:______!
Mr K:Dave, we are Muslims!______– ______, ______! ______! ___ – ______!
Amjad:Shazia’s cheated on me!
Dave:What?
Mr K:He thinks that Shazia______!
Dave:Ah! Oh - !
Mr K:I keep telling him it, ______about Imran Parvez-
Amjad:Imran Parvez!
Dave:OK – what you have to remember, Amjad, is that these days ______! Lots of young people ______before they get married!
Amjad:______!
Dave:Yeah, sure, technically it’s forbidden, but doing things some people deem inappropriate doesn’t ______! Certainly ______, I had a few liaisons myself!
Mr K:______!
Dave:And ______!
Mr K:What? ______! Mind you, there was that time ______, with the girl who was handing out samosas! The Rawalpindi Express, ______!
Dave:______? ______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:And neither has Imran Parvez!
Amjad:Imran Parvez!______, ______!
Dave:Let’s not do anything hasty!
Mr K:Mr Javed!
Imran:______!
Dave:All right, Amjad, ______?
Mr K:Well, it looks like you’ve got this ______! Just don’t mention Imran Parvez!
Amjad:Imran Parvez!
Mr K:Mr Javed! (Urdu words)
Mr K:Mr Javed was ______to Shazia’s wedding! You see, beti, this is the secret of business relationships – ______!
Aliya:______?
Mrs K:Where’s Shazia?
Aliya:______– ___?
Mrs K:Everyone’s talking about her and Imran Parvez – it’s all over Sparkhill!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:Mrs Ramiz told Mrs Shafik who told Mrs Jalil, apparently – ______!
Mr K:You know, I’ve got a very special evening planned for you later!______!
Mrs K:Maybe there’s more to this Imran Parvez business ______– because there’s ______!
Mr K:______! It’s just a schoolboy crush!
Aliya:______!
Mr K:You see – ______!
Aliya:______!
Mr K:Yes!
Aliya:______, _____ – ______!
Mrs K:Oh, my God – ______-
Mr K:What?
Mrs K:Well you know we were down here, and they were up there, and we thought they were – when – all the time they were actually-
Mr K:____?
Mrs K:Of course! ______! Samina said it was because of Rafik’s work, but ______!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:But now I think about it, ______, you know, that funny eye!
Mr K:______here – you’re as bad as Amjad!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Yes!
Mrs K:How?
Mr K:Erm–
Mrs K:Aliya, ______!
Aliya:______! All right!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:But what if he tells Mrs Malik? ______!
Mr K:Chillax, sweetie! He’s not going to tell Mrs Malik – ______– ______!______?
Aliya:Mrs Malik!
Mrs K:No! ______?
Aliya:Well you said see who it is!
Mrs K:Go out and stall her!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:______!
Mr K:Mrs Malik! ______!
Mrs M:Mr Khan – I must speak with you and Mrs Khan ______!
Mr K:Well that could be a bit tricky, you see – ______! I’d ask you to join us, but ______– especially for ______, eh?
Mrs M:Mr Khan-
Mr K:Goodbye, Mrs Malik!
Mrs M:______!
Mr K:Well you’d better ______then, eh?
Mrs M:I need to talk about Amjad and Shazia!
Mr K:Well ______?
Mrs M:I have to tell you that ______about Shazia______!
Mr K:______in the Herald?A very interesting piece on drop curbs and off-street parking on the Ivor Road!
Mrs M:Mr Khan!
Mr K:______!
Mrs M:These rumours are most alarming, and now – ______!
Mr K:______!
Mrs M:______?
Mr K:No!
Mrs M:He hasn’t replied to my calls, and Amjad______! I’m worried that ______! What if he’s heard ______about Shazia?
Mr K:All right!
Mrs M:Well?______?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:Well?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:That’s it! ______!
Mr K:Maybe ______some chapati flour!
Mrs K:Do you know what it means to have a daughter who’s ______? She’ll be ruined – she’ll be shunned! We’ll all be finished here – ______, ____, ______!
Mr K:______!
Shazia:______?
Mrs K:Nothing, beti, I’m just full of happiness ______! Oh, my God, ______– please, God, ______!
Mr K:______!
Shazia:______? Would someone tell me what’s going on?
Mrs K:______and Imran Parvez!
Shazia:____?
Mr K:______and Imran Parvez- ______-
Shazia:No – ______!
Mr K:______– ______!
Shazia:______?
Mr K:______, ______!
Shazia:______!
Mr K:Shuish!
Shazia:______and Imran Parvez-
Aliya:Sis, that is rank! Hey, ______?
Mr K:Oh, ______?
Mr K:All right, all right, keep your bloody hair on! Mr Javed!
Mr J:Mr Khan! ______?
Mr K:______!
Mr J:I wanted to thank you and Mrs Khan personally for______!
Mr K:______!
Mr J:Is, er, Mrs Khan here?
Mr K:Why don’t we go into the living room? Oh, no, actually- ______?______? It comes with a very thick underlay! Oh – ______?
Mr K:Hello, Dave!
Amjad:Hello, sir!
Mr K:Amjad!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Oh, ____!
Dave:I persuaded Amjad that ______! The way to settle any dispute is to engage in a dialogue!______, ______!
Mr K:You know, you’re wasted in Sparkhill, Dave – ______!
Dave:Which is why I’ve decided to bring the two sides together! This is Imran Parvez’s uncle!
Mr K:______!
Uncle:As-salaamualeikum!
Mr K:Waaleikum salaam!
Dave:Now the Parvezes are a little bit upset about the suggestion that ______– ______- However, I have managed to persuade them that it’s better to ______!
Mr K:You gingers think of everything, don’t you?______?
Riaz:______!
Mrs K:And I’ve got the Sparkhill Women’s Day Group coffee morning next Tuesday – how am I supposed to-
Shazia:Maybe if you spent more time ______instead of your gossipy mates-
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Just Dave, Amjad, and Imran Parvez’s uncle!
Mrs K:______!
Shazia:______?
Mrs K:Because you and Imran Wonky-eye were up in your room ______!
Shazia:But we weren’t – ______!
Mrs K: That’s not what we’ve heard!
Shazia:______?______? What kind of an idiot would ______?
Mr K:______, ______!
Shazia:Dad!
Mr K:But it’s OK, beti, ______!
Shazia:______!
Mr K:Oh, yes!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Hah!
Mrs K:Why?
Mr K:Well, I was going to invite the Parvezes like you wanted, but then I bumped into Mr Javed, you see, and er-
Mrs K:Are you telling me that ______just so you could invite some business contact who we don’t even know to her wedding?
Mr K:Let’s not get bogged down with who said what to who – ______, ______!
Mrs K:Yes – and now, ______! You are going to go in there and ______, and clear Shazia’s name, and then I’ll be able to ______at the Sparkhill Women’s Day Group ______!
Mr K:___-
Mrs K:__!
Mr K:__!
Shazia:Oh – so I didn’t snog Imran Parvez, so now ______, and ______– is that it?
Mr K:Erm-
Mrs K:___!
Mr K:___!
Shazia:What if I did go out with Imran Parvez? What if I went out with Imran Parvez and then ______?
Mr K:All right, ______!
Shazia:What if I went out with half of Sparkhill – ______?
Mr K:______?
Shazia:______! Don’t you see?______! It doesn’t belong to anyone else – ______! It shouldn’t matter to Amjad______– and ______, either!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:Of course! ______– we should support her, ______! Oh, I’m so sorry, beti, ______!
Shazia:Mum!
Mrs K:______, ______, ______– and I’m a silly old woman and ______and I-
Shazia:Mum, ______!
Mr K:______, sweetie!
Mr K:Where’s Mr Javed?
Dave:He had to go to his SPBA meeting!
Mrs M:Mrs Khan, ______!
Mrs K:______!
Amjad:Shazia!
Mrs M:Be quiet, Amjad! ______!
Dave:Hey, maybe we should just let the kids______– ______!
Shazia:Please, Mrs Malik-
Mr K:It’s all right, Shazia – ______! Mrs Malik, ______between Shazia and Imran Parvez!
Mrs M:So – ______!
Shazia, Mrs K: No!
Mr K:Please, beti! In fact, I don’t care if ______!
Shazia:Dad, that’s not what I was-
Mr K:Don’tworry, darling – ______! So - ______
______! You know what? ______!
Aliya:______!
Mr K:What you have to remember, Mrs Malik, is this is the modern world – 21st century – ______! I believe women should make their own decisions! ______– ______!
Mrs M:I see! And then I say, ______!
Mr K:OK – but ______?
Mrs M:______– ______, Amjad!
Amjad:No! ______!______, Shazia!
Mrs M:Amjad!
Amjad:I don’t care how many men she’s been with – ______!
Mrs M:Amjad!
Amjad:OK – ____, ____!
Shazia:Oh, buddhu!
Amjad:Oh, laddu!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:Oh, thank goodness!
Mrs M:______– but nobody ever listens to me! Hmm!
Amjad:Mum – ______!
Mrs M:(Urdu words)
Dave:I don’t think conflict’s going to resolve anything – I really think-
Omar:______?
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:Oh!
Mr K:Remember? Like we had on ______?
Mrs K:Of course! From Bert and Tina’s downstairs!______?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:Oh!
Mr K:And look!
Mrs K:______! ______! You know, when we were young, ______!
Mr K:______!______!______!