December 2013

Let’s see,….. how in the hell should I start this thing?? Most “Christmas Letters” always start off with phrases like “Greetings and Blessings from the Bla-Bla-Bla Family in Bla-Bla-Bla USA!”, or maybe “What a wonderful time to reflect and provide updates to all of our family and friends!”….. I think I’ll just start this one of with “If it wasn’t a rainy day here in Suwanee, Georgia, I would certainly have something better to do right now then sittin’on my asstrying to remember and document things that took place over the past twelve months!”……………… So, pour yourself a tall glass of Single Malt Scotch, Moonshine, (or whatever lights your fuse), fire up a good stogie (or whatever you might want to smoke depending on what state you live in) – if you prefer not to smoke anything, grab a couple handfuls of your favorite oven baked Christmas “Fat Pills” and prepare yourself for a good old fashion Bill Lanahan “Sleigh Ride”!

I’M RETIRED!! Yep, one year ago I decided that my luck as a “Supervisory Government Employee” was running out, and since having to continually attendsupervisory “Sensitivity Training” sessions was apparently a waste of good tax dollars, I pulled the plug after 27 years of Federal Service! I originally thought that I would work an additional 5–6 years, and according to government retirement planners, I should have in order to ensure a more “financially comfortable” lifestyle based on the current “longevity of life” graphs that now have males living well into their 70’s and 80’s. I figure I’ll do just fine based on “my”personalre-calculations for lifestyle changes that include: 1) Raising my “Scotch & Cigar” intake by 33%; 2) Upping my “Red Meat & Butter” intake by 10%; 3) 100% avoidance of all “Fat Free” grocery items; and 4) Adding canned “Spam” and “Vienna Sausages” to my daily diet. I do attempt to stay moderately healthy by eating chicken, and certainly make sure that I remove all of the skin (I like eating it first).

Staying “busy” for me hasn’t been a problem at all since I continually find myself in my wood shop working on projects and taking on those household projects that have been on the back burner for years – the only problem during the early weeks of retirementwas that I really missed “supervision” (Connie calls it “bossing”) – so, I got myself a puppy. “Griffin” is a white Shishon, (now 9 months old) and I have no idea as to why my “football freak” grandson named him after the Washington Redskin’s quarterback R.G Griffin III. I guess it’s better than naming him “Vick” after the Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback! Although Griffin did take to his name quite well, he still answers to names like “Knuckle-Head”, Shit-Bird” or “Dumb-Shit”. He’s a “fairly” good dog most of the time, and will hopefully never file a lawsuit against me for my honest opinions of him. He doesn’t mind me leaving the toilet seat up; doesn’t throw a fit when I call one of his sisters a bitch; doesn’t “play dead” when he lays down next to me and rub I his back and belly; and doesn’t leave the room complaining when I cut a fart. He’s always excited to see me; doesn’t complain about how I smell; doesn’t mind when I smoke cigars or have an additional scotch; and enjoys all of my friends.

Connie’s still working for the Fish & Wildlife and plans to join me in retirement in another 5 years or so when she’s eligible for her pension (She’ll have 15 years in this March). She still handles the regional facility management budget and now works from home a couple days each week. Since Connie’s “Wine and Bloody Mary” intake is based on the level of stress she deals with at work which now include; government sequestrations; declining budgets; government shut downs; and the growing number of ignorant government employees (the majority of the smart ones have already retired leaving a higher proportional percentage of stupid ones) thus, future investments in the Napa Valley wine region of California and Sweden’s Absolute Vodka corporation may be good stock choices for everyone over the next few years.

We have been able to do some traveling this past year, and I’ve been able to spend quite a bit of time with my dad up at our property in Southern Illinois. My dad is still very active, and his latest project was the construction of a new “outhouse” at the end of his driveway. Dad likes to sit in it (britches down of course) with the door wide open so that he can see anyone (like the mail lady, meter reader, delivery person, neighbors, etc) driving down the driveway to his house. I guess that at 84, he doesn’t realize that they can see him too.

We’ve also visited Stephanie and her family in Virginiaduring football and wrestling seasons so we can watch our grandsons play sports. Stephanie stays busy working at the local grade school as a lunch room “warden”, and walking neighborhood dogs. Her husband Kevin still owns and operates his lawn maintenance business, and the kids (Derrick, CJ, and Haylee) are busy just being kids.

We spent last Christmas with Sabrina’s family in Southern California, and I was totally surprised when Sabrina showed up for my 60th birthday bash in July. Sabrina works as a minister at her church, Randy is still a Navy Corpsman, and their kids (Will, Kayla, and Tyler) are also just being kids.

Not sure what’s happening with Russ or Randy since we haven’t heard from them in awhile.

Connie and I spent our 35th anniversary with Stephanie’s family at Disney World in Orlando Florida this past September and we had a “Most Memorable” experience! People ask “How do you make it 35 years with the same person?” My answer is that Connie is married to one of the most submissive men in the world who constantly uses phrases like “Yes Dear” when a suggestion is made, or, “It’s ALL my fault” when anything goes wrong, and, “I understand”, or “Let’s just lay here and talk” when those ongoing evening headaches hit.

We’ve had a few visitors here this past year. My nephew Jason and his girlfriend Kiley from Macon, GA visit us frequently since they’re only a couple hours south of us. Jason is an avid “Beer Tap” operator and uses his talents quite effectively on my basement bar “keg-orator”. Since he’s in his last year of law school, he’s now majoring in the finer art of “How to twist the truth with a straight face”. Looks like “government politics” may be a good job choice for him!

My sister Margaret and her family from Southern Illinois also visited over the 4th of July. She also brought her Havaneese puppy “Oliver” with her. Oliver looks a lot like Griffin, and since he’s from Illinois – a state that now recognizes “guy-on-guy” relationships, he took to humping on Griffin right from the beginning. When Oliver wasn’t humping on Griffin, he spent most of his spare time defecating all over my house. Must be an inherent “Illinois” tactic – “Screwing the innocent and then “Turning everything to shit”…… Maybe instead of “Oliver”, my sister should have considered naminghimafter another well known Illinois politician(now president) whose name also starts with an “O”.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums things up! Connie and I will be spending Christmas with my family in Southern Illinois this year which means that I got out of another year of having to waste my time decorating this damn house again!! YEA!!

“Live Well”; “Laugh Often”; and “Love Much”!!

Bill, Connie, Stephanie and Sabrina Bill with Griffin (Left) and Oliver (Right)

Bill & Connie – 35th Anniversary Dinner at Disney World – Orlando Florida