By Jason Evert

1

Pure Love

By Jason Evert

"Do you want real love?"
If genuine love has escaped you thus far, if regrets and confusion have made you wonder if the love you've dreamed of really exists, if you think you've already found that perfect someone, or if you don't even know where to begin when it comes to dating, the following pages have been written for you.
Most people settle down some time after college, get married, and begin raising a family. That may be ten years down the road, or you may not even be called to marriage. So let's be realistic, and discuss what you should (and shouldn't) do in the mean time.
"Are you going to tell me that sex is bad?"
If you've been told that sex is bad, you'll be relieved to hear that this is false. Sex is a wonderful thing-an incredible gift from heaven! It is a treasure of love exchanged between two people, and if you want to make this gift as heavenly as it was intended to be, read on.
"True love and chastity . . . True love and WHAT?"
Some think that "chastity" simply means "not having sex." But that's abstinence: what you can't do and can't have. Chastity is what you can do and can have . . . right now: a lifestyle that brings freedom, respect, peace, and even romance -- without regret. Chastity frees a couple from the selfish attitude of using each other as objects, and makes them capable of true love.
"Won't chastity ruin the excitement of dating?"
Not in the least. Chastity does away with the manipulation and mind games that men and women often play to get each other into bed. Sadly, many women give sex to men for the sake of getting "love," while the men often seem to give "love" for the sake of getting sex. God has created your heart-and the gift of sex-for something far greater than this confusion.
Chastity breaks through the confusion by freeing you to see why you are loved, and reminding you that you are worth the wait. If you inform your date that you won't sleep with him or her, and that person leaves you-then you know immediately for what you were being "loved." If you're looking for excitement, knowing that you are truly loved is much more exciting than being used.
Some say purity is an oppressive burden you cannot carry if you hope to remain mentally stable. Don't fall for this lie. Ever hear of a mental ward for those who waited until marriage to have marital relations?
"Isn't everyone else doing it?"
No. Countless young people have realized that they were lied to about what love is and about what sex is worth. They've had their fill of what talk shows, soap operas, magazines, and movies are saying, and they won't be robbed of their chance to have the love God has in mind for them. To the world's surprise, they've discovered that they're not animals, and they can sacrifice phony gratification for genuine love.
If you want to follow others into premarital sex, you'll probably end up following them into the divorce court as well. In fact, three out of four couples who live together before marriage are divorced before their third anniversary!1 That's because the courtship stage is an irreplaceable time for building love's foundation-before the privilege of marital intimacy. Sex before marriage skips through this stage, and gives the couple a false sense of unity, hindering them from taking a careful look at each other as potential spouses. Their relationship is cheapened because pleasure is valued more than commitment, patience, and sacrifice. Since the foundation is weak or nonexistent, such marriages fail to stand the test of time.
The evidence couldn't be clearer: Mutual sacrifice intensifies love; refusing to sacrifice snuffs it out.
"Who would want to save sex for marriage?"
God gave you your purity in a locked safe, so to speak. The more of it you save, the greater the treasure, and the greater your joy will be to share it all on the wedding night. It's no fun to open the safe on your honeymoon, and find only a few pennies left to share with your spouse. While premarital sex harms the wedding night experience-robbing it of sanctity, excitement, and anticipation-saving the gift of sex for marriage will only intensify love.

• "His abstinence from sex is one way to prove his ability to be true to me,'' said Christie, an 18-year-old from St. Louis, about her potential spouse. "I would be so honored to find out that the man I want to marry has respected me enough-without even knowing me-not to have sex with anyone else but me."
• Michael, a 23-year-old San Diegan, said, "I've had the opportunity to give away my virginity a few times, but I kept thinking about my future wife. Some people during high school gave me a hard time about this. But upon looking back, I'm so happy I took the path that I did. My future wife deserves the sacrifice. When I stand at the altar and lift her veil, all of the teasing I've heard will be remarkably silent."
• Seventeen-year-old Courtney, from New Orleans, said, "I committed my life to Christ after seeing my best friend break up with her boyfriend, and she gave up her gift of purity to him. I made a promise to myself and to God that I would not give up my purity to anyone until I've found that perfect someone and married him."
• They're in good company. A man named Augustine, who became a saint, said, "I thought that purity arose from one's own powers, which I didn't recognize in myself. I was foolish enough not to know that no one can be pure unless God grants it. For God surely would have granted it if I, with firm faith, had cast my cares on him."3
• Augustine's words still echo true, seventeen centuries later. "I came inches away from losing my virginity at the age of 14, on a dark football field, with a guy I barely knew,'' said a Stanford University junior. "I don't know how it happened. I had always been so strong. Then somehow there I was, about to give away my most real possession. I thank God that I had the courage to stop. And since that day I've worn a ring to hold the place where my wedding band will go, and to remind me of the gift I am saving for my husband."

Your virginity was never meant to be "lost," as if it had been misplaced somewhere. God meant it to be given as a gift to the one who deserves it-your spouse. Even if you've lost your virginity, and think all this doesn't apply to you, read on. It's never too late.
"What is real love?"
Sin blurs reality. While seeming to unite a couple, premarital sex alienates and scars them. Sexual intimacy shared with someone to whom you're not married only gives a superficial intimacy, a lie spoken in the language of the body. The premarital sexual embrace tells the other, "I give myself entirely to you . . . until I do the same thing with someone else."
That is not making love, and it usually quickly ends the relationship. Why? Because sex becomes the relationship's center, forcing everything else aside. The two come to see each other as objects to be used instead of persons to be loved-something only rarely admitted. Such infatuation isn't real love.
During the sexual act, the couple give themselves to each other. But, the total gift of your body and heart was never intended to be a loan. That's why the total gift of one's body and heart must be shared only in a truly permanent and faithful relationship-marriage.
You can't truly give yourself unless you realize your true worth and the magnitude of the gift you're exchanging. True love says, "You are everything to me. I give myself totally to you forever." This is the real commitment that springs from the heart of every person who is sincerely in love. It demands permanence. It does not insist on its own way when desires are strong. Real love says, "forever." It can sacrifice the desires of the moment for something more permanent.
"How far is too far?"-Wrong question!
Say Tim and Christy are having a romantic picnic at the Grand Canyon. At sunset, they go for a walk. Tim swoops up Christy in his arms and wonders, "How far can I bring her to the edge of the canyon without us falling off?" If he is asking this question, he's obviously not concerned with his life or with Christy's well-being. When he finds out how far was too far, it will be too late. In the same way, the question should not be, "How far can I go without sinning?" but, "How far can I go to respect and honor my date, leading him or her to purity?"
Pope John Paul II said that the greater the feeling of responsibility you have for your beloved, the more true love there is.4 Think about that. A true man should promise his girlfriend that he will work to carry her soul safely into the arms of God, not into the slavery of sin. Embracing this attitude is true love.
God challenges us to deny ourselves for the sake of the beloved instead of just seeking all the gratification possible. When you truly love someone, your sacrifice for him or her becomes an expression of your love. As a result, you'll find the joy that God has planned for you (see Jer. 29:11-14a, Matt. 16:25). What was once seen as just "waiting" becomes a time of formation that teaches you how to love. With chastity, even if you aren't dating someone, you can love God and your future spouse right now by being faithful to both. The brief time of sacrifice pales in comparison to the enduring joy that follows. This promise of enduring joy is a promise from God; a promise that premarital sex could never make to you.
"Aren't I being good as long as I don't have sex?"
Think again, and consider Kate's story:
Kate knew her friends were sexually active. By comparison, she thought that as long as she kept her virginity, she was being virtuous and living a life of chastity. Over time, she fell into various sins with her dates, losing everything but her physical virginity. She reminded herself that her friends were doing worse things. Eventually, Kate met the man she hoped to marry, but by that time, she needed tremendous spiritual and emotional healing to help undo all that she had done with her other boyfriends.
This is the bitter fruit that comes by comparing ourselves favorably with those deeper in sin. Look only to Christ, and how you measure up to his standard. Doing so will spare your heart many wounds. Treat your body as a priceless treasure to be guarded jealously, a treasure that can be purchased only with a ring and with the life-long commitment of true love that comes with it.
"Where's my freedom?"
If you desire freedom, read the following very carefully: "Freedom exists for the sake of love." Chastity isn't the loss of freedom, it's the fulfillment of it, freeing the couple to love, unbound by the chains of sin. You want freedom? How about no longer worrying about questions like, "Will I get a disease? Will my parents find out? Will I get pregnant? Am I being used?"
Freed from these problems, you'll be free to love without regret and free to pursue your dreams without the baggage of sin. Chastity grants you the freedom to have relationships without anxiety about the future or regret about the past. This is true freedom: the ability to do what is right.
"But who does premarital sex hurt?"
First and foremost, premarital sex hurts you, whether you know it or not. Not only do you run the risk of getting diseases; premarital sex profoundly scars you emotionally. Most of all, sex before marriage cuts you off from God. Jesus wants you to come to know the joy of his love, but that can't happen when mortal sin kills the life of God in your soul. Living in mortal sin warps your ability to love and to lead others to Christ. Moreover, premarital sex causes the other person to sin, scarring them, and keeping them from giving their future spouse the gift of a clean body, heart, and mind. It also hurts your parents, your future spouse, and the future spouse of the person you are dating. So, a better question to ask is this: "Who isn't hurt by premarital sex?"
"What if I really love the other person?"
How do you know if you really love the other person, and that your feelings for him or her aren't just a temporary infatuation? One clue is whether you place the other's well being above your own sexual desires-even if the desires are shared. You can't judge the value of a relationship based solely upon the intensity of the feelings. Premature intimacy, and the infatuation and lust that often come from this, may cover up an absence of true love, which never really develops. Love requires commitment and responsibility. Without these, selfishness and lust abound.
Suppose the one you love asks you for a drink of water. In the kitchen there are one hundred cups of water, ninety-nine of them safe, and one of them poisoned. Do you take the risk of bringing her a drink, or do you let her remain thirsty until you can know-with certainty-that your choice for her will be safe? You might appear to be doing a loving act by granting her request, but it would be the act of an enemy.
In the same way, even if you were not convinced that premarital sex is harmful, true love would not even take the risk of harming the beloved. Only selfish infatuation is willing to do that.
"What if I have already fallen?"
While the loss of virginity has to do with the past, chastity has to do with today. If you've already given away your virginity, do not despair-trust in God's tender mercy… and rewrap the gift. Start over now, and make the decision to persevere in purity. By doing so, you will find what many call a "secondary virginity." In the Bible, the story is told of a woman who is caught in great impurities, and taken to Jesus. He does not condemn her, but forgives her and tells her to go and sin no more (John 8:1-11).
Sins of impurity cause deep scars, but Jesus can heal all of these. Especially through the sacraments of reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist, Jesus can make anyone whole again. In reconciliation you will find the joyful outpouring of God's healing mercy; in the Eucharist, God gives us spiritual nourishment through the Body and Blood of his Son, Jesus. It is especially through the sacraments that Christ strengthens you and restores the gift of his grace in your life.
Many who fall into sins of impurity seek to bury the memory under other sins, so that the original wound will look smaller. Others run to one physical relationship after another, thinking that pleasure will fill their need for love. But this can only make the healing process more difficult. Instead, run to Christ and to his Immaculate Mother, and they will give you a share in their purity, making you whole again. Offer God your body and your memories, allowing his mercy to begin healing you. In your heart, forgive those who have hurt you.
In future relationships, strive for true love, and this living purity will also serve to heal the past. Practicing chastity will enable you to regain what you may have lost, so that the gift of yourself may be properly given after the exchange of vows. Living a life of chastity will make you a better date, spouse, and parent. The burdens of sin will fall away. Because of God's infinite mercy and the gift of purity, it is never too late to become the person God calls you to be. Every morning his mercies are new (Lam. 3:22-23).
"Is homosexuality a sin?"
While it is not a sin to have homosexual temptations, it is a sin to indulge in homosexual thoughts or actions. The causes of homosexual temptations have not been fully explained, and many who experience these temptations do not deliberately choose or want them. Those who suffer from temptations in this area are also called to a life of chastity, and by living in God's grace, they can and should approach Christian perfection. Others must treat them with respect and compassion, for, as Jesus said, "as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did to me" (Matt. 25:40).
"What about masturbation?"5