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Speakers’ Notes
Session 2 - Communication and Conflict resolution
Speaker’s preparation checklist:
- DVD for 2 minute introduction
- Does everyone have guest manuals?
- The anger and depression handouts (if people missed them last week)
- Two people ready to do the role play
- Please make sure you have run through the personal story with the person giving this before the session begins
Note to leaders: parts of the script that appear in boxes can be replaced with the live speaker’s personal story/words on the relevant point being made. Alternatively, the speaker may choose to use the text in the box in order to illustrate their point. If the speaker chooses additional personal stories, then the timings for the other sections should be reduced to ensure that the whole evening does not over-run. Make sure that there is enough time in the groups.
7.30 pm – Welcome and notices by course leader(3 minutes)
Welcome back to Session 2 of the course. I want to give an especially warm welcome to those of you who weren’t here last week.
It takes courage to come to a course like this as it did for me sixteen years ago, and so I would like to say is ‘well done’ for making it here this evening.
Tonight we’re going to be looking at communication and resolving conflict. But before we start, I have a few notices and reminders to give:
- Please remember to bring your manual to each session
- If you miss an evening we suggest that you read the relevant chapters in the book which cover all that we discuss and give a little more detail on each subject
- We have compiled a list of contact information for each group, and we’d love it if you could check that your details are correct. What we have found in the past is that small groups often want to have each other’s contact details. However, if, for whatever reason, you do not want your information included, then please just cross your name out and we will remove your details
We will start each session by spending some time in our small groups, reflecting on what we learnt last week and discussing anything relevant that may have come up during the week.
Speaker’s preparation checklist:
- DVD for 2 minute introduction
- Does everyone have guest manuals?
- The anger and depression handouts (if people missed them last week)
- Two people for the role play with words
- Please make sure you have run through the personal story with the person giving this before the session begins
Note to leaders: parts of the script that appear in boxes can be replaced with the live speaker’s personal story/words on the relevant point being made. Alternatively, the speaker may choose to use the text in the box in order to illustrate their point. If the speaker chooses additional personal stories, then the timings for the other sections should be reducedto ensure that the whole evening does not over-run. Make sure that there is enough time in the groups.
7.33 pm –Exercise (in small groups)(12 minutes)
What did you learn last week that was helpful?
7.45 pm – Talk: The importance of communication(5 minutes)
Tonight we’re going to look at how we communicate. Communication is the lifeblood of relationships: if communication gets stuck, relationships get stuck. We need to be confident that we can communicate well during our separation and divorce especially whilst having all those feelings that we spoke about in the last session.
We will be focussing on communicating with our ex, as this is obviously the area that causes most stress. For some of you in more extreme situations, it may be impossible to think positively in terms of communication and conflict resolution with our ex. If you have suffered physical or verbal abuse, extreme deceit, addiction or other mental health issues, this whole area can be very difficult. However, please bear with us asthe principles that we will look at will help us in everyrelationship we have, because improved communication empowers us and builds upself-confidence.
When our life is changing significantly, it’s not always easy to communicate well, particularly when we are dealing with our ex. There are many blocks to good communication such as: anger, lies, emotional hurt, differences of opinion, stress of legal proceedings, financial worries, loss of trust, aggression, addictions, depression, fear, hidden agendas – and the list goes on and on. Some of these come from our own feelings; some from our underlying fears; and others come from the way our ex communicates.
7.50 pm – Role play 1(5 minutes)
Now we’re going to watch a role play in which [insert names of volunteers] will demonstrate just how easily communication can go wrong. At the end of this session we will repeat the role play, applying some of the principles we will learn tonight. Hopefully, it will be more positive than what we’re about to see!
As background, it’s Saturday morning. Kathy has had a difficult week. She is having a lie-in while fighting off a migraine. The doorbell rings. It’s her ex, Robert.
Robert:Can I come in? I need a quick word.
Kathy:Uhh? Oh it’s you ... er yeah, come in. Sorry it’s a mess, I had Sarah round last night.
Robert:I’ve been checking our bank statement, and I see that you’ve been using the joint account for your personal bills. You know we agreed that it would only be used for the house bills.
Kathy:I’ve been really short this month and I had to use it. My car was about to run out of petrol … for goodness’ sake, I’ve only done it once!
Robert:I don’t care about the car. The fact is, we had a deal and you broke it. I’m going to tell the bank to freeze the account.
Kathy:You can’t do that –How will the mortgage get paid? Are you trying to get me out of the house? First I lose you and then I lose my home? I can’t believe you’d do that to me! I’m already a wreck and the doctor says I need antidepressants. I love this house – you can’t throw me out!
Robert:You should have thought about that before. You’re just so chaotic – you’ve got to sort yourself out. Look at this kitchen – it’s a mess. I’m not having you dip in and out of the joint account because you can’t organise your money better. You can’t be trusted.
Kathy:[With outrage] I can’t be trusted? You have told me more lies in the last six months than I would have believed possible! How dare you tell me you can’t trust me? You always think you can get away with whatever you want, don’t you? You always think that you’ll win. Well this time you’re not going to win….
Oh dear – that was disastrous! That short play highlighted some of the big pitfalls like:
- Kathy’s personal space was invaded
- Her emotions got in the way
- Robert is rude
- Previous unresolved issues are brought up and
- All this is finished off with some personal attacks. All very unhelpful and nothing got resolved!
The starting point in rectifying these situations is to understand that we can (and should) take responsibility for the way we communicate. We cannot change anyone else, particularly our ex, but we can take responsibility for the way we choose to communicate. Do we help or aggravate the situation? Let us look at what we can do to be good communicators.
7.55 pm – Talk: How to communicate well (15 minutes)
We are now going to look at four important areas that affect the way we communicate:
1.Historical patterns of communication
2. Our ability to express ourselves and the difference between facts and feelings
3.The importance of setting healthy boundaries
4.How to be good listeners
1. Historical patterns of communication.
We bring into any relationship our own patterns of communication learnt from our family and our upbringing. Then within marriage we develop a merged pattern of behaviour and communication. In the role play, Robert is rude and confrontational; that may be a pattern of speaking that he has always done in their marriage.
For most people, the first step in learning a new way of communicating is to press the reset button and give yourselves some “time-out”. Once either one, or both of you, have started a separation or divorce process, it can be very helpful to stop all communications with your partner for a period of time, let’s say three weeks.
Why is this helpful? You will have built up a multitude of ways of living and communicating together as a couple, some of which are healthy and some are unhealthy. The unhealthier your past communications have been, then the more important this stage of not communicating with your partner will be for you.
For people with children, those who work together, or those who still live in the same house – this means reducing all communication solely to the absolute minimum. Keep everything else very business-like, for example, purely on the children’ss travel arrangements and nothing else.
It’s like re-booting the computer when it’s crashed. Your relationship and communication has had a serious accident. It’s crashed and it needs to restart afresh.
Stopping all communications forces you to stop and understand what has gone wrong. What is not working for me; what is not working for us as a couple? How can we communicate better? What are the unhealthy parts of our relationship and our communication?
Some of you may not need to do this if you have good communications already.However, if you have a high dependence on your ex or find yourself really keen to speak to them for no real reason, then this stage of no communication will help you in the long run.
Continuing communications with your partner through this period is often too difficult and distracting. You need to give yourself space and time to focus on these issues by yourself, together with supportive friends.
If you have hope that your marriage will be restored it is still vital to stop and reflect on what has not been working and develop new ways of communicating together. This needs time away from the intensity of meeting up and all the confusing messages that can happen at this time.
The first days of doing this may be incredibly hard, however it will pay dividends in the future. Just remember to explain it carefully to your ex by saying that this will benefit both of you to have a time of reflection - it is not about running away from issues - it will strengthen you both so that you can survive whatever decisions you both make in the future.
For some people, this lack of communication will continue for a long period of time, particularly if there are no children or if you are in an abusive relationship.
For others the main aim is to change the historical pattern of communication and re-engage in a different, more productive method of relating to one another.
2. Understanding the difference between facts and feelings so we can express ourselves well
The next important stepis learning the difference between facts and feelings.
When we talk, we transmit both facts and feelings. When a relationship is working well, there is an easy mix of both. When a couple has parted, it’s essential to distinguish between the facts that need to be communicated to our ex, and our feelings, which do not.
Our ex is someone with whom we have been intimate: we probably told them everything. We now need to change the way we communicate with that person. It is no longer appropriate to share everything; instead we have a new, more distant, relationship and we must filter how and what we communicate.
In the role play, Kathy was emotional, and told Robert she was a wreck and had been advised to take antidepressants. She did not need to do that in the context of a discussion about the joint bank account as it left her open to more abuse.
The important step here is to recognise that the nature of the relationship has changed, and we need to adjust our communication to be more factual and less emotional
But what do we do with all those feelings that we discussed in the last session?
We all –women and men – need to find someone we can trust with whom we can share the full range of our feelings. It may be a “trusted friend”, or you may feel more comfortable with someone you do not know so well – perhaps a pastor or a counsellor. This personwill listen, support and, at times, challenge you and is vital in your recovery process.
As we talk through everything with a friend, we will start to distinguish between what our feelings are (something that we need to deal with) and what the issues or facts are that need to be communicated to our ex.
It is always difficult to change the way we communicate with someone and it needs practise but, by keeping feelings out of the conversation, we will be making communication with our ex less highly-charged, less driven by our emotional state and more focussed on the real issues. So, the things you need to think through are:
- What are the facts or issues that need to be communicated to our ex?
- What are thefeelings that we need to deal with?
3. The importance of setting healthy boundaries
Next, we are going to look at the importance of setting healthy boundaries.
In the same way that the walls of the house we live in provide us with physical refuge, the emotional boundaries we place around our relationships provide us with emotional refuge. If our house has been burgled, then we may need to put in some new security measures in order to protect ourselves and increase our feelings of safety. We can do the same with our relationships.
When our relationship has broken down, the person with whom we have shared the greatest intimacy must now become someone whose access to us – both physical and emotional – needs to be restricted and changed. Hopefully we won’t literally have to change the locks on our home, but we will need to change our emotional locks in order to make ourselves less accessible. Having a definite line in the sand regarding what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate is called ‘setting a boundary’.
In the role play, Kathy allowed Robert to come into the house, even though she was not expecting him, was feeling unwell and her kitchen was a mess. He was allowed to access her personal space and he abused this privilege. After commenting on the mess, Robert proceeded to make a personal insult about Kathy being chaotic, resulting in her feeling wretched. She needed to have some boundaries in place to protect her from these unkind words.
The extent to which boundaries are necessary will depend entirely upon how well the relationship is going. Boundaries can be adjusted. When things are very difficult and we feel vulnerable, the boundaries may be quite restrictive (like not speaking to someone). If we get on well with someone, the boundaries can be more relaxed – perhaps they can come into the house, but not to eat or stay for a long time. The boundaries may need to be quite rigorous during the early months of your separation, becoming more relaxed as the relationship gets easier.
If pick up times and drop off times for children are becoming tense, a parent could say that they do not want their ex to come into the house when collecting the children. If this is not respected, then the boundary will have to be reinforced. The parent could say: ‘If you are not willing to respect my request, then in future I will bring the children out to your car instead.’ However unreasonable this may seem to the other person, it may be necessary for a while in order to avoid stress and, potentially, a scene in front of the children.
Other examples of other boundaries include:
- ‘You may no longer ring me at the office unless there is an emergency’
- While on the phone: ‘I cannot talk to you if you shout and scream at me. I will ring you back in thirty minutes when you have calmed down’
There are two things that we can learn from these examples:
First, you may have to tell those affected that you are putting a boundary in place and you will have to be clear what the boundary is. For example: I am not going to accept you shouting at me anymore.
Secondly, the other person may not welcome the restriction, making it difficult for you to be firm. Remember: just because a boundary is unpopular, that does not mean it is wrong. If you are certain that the boundary is reasonable and appropriate for your situation, then it should be put in place. Instead, make sure you have the necessary support and encouragement from others to keep the boundary intact.
Be sure to look at the implications of your boundary from the receiving end as well. Discuss it with a friend or counsellor in order to work out whether it is reasonable or whether there may be a better way. Remember, a boundary is not there to punish the other person, it is there for your wellbeing and can be adjusted over time depending upon how you are.