15
hunan beef
A short screenplay by
Spencer McDonald
Based on a story premise by Helio J. Cordeiro
Spencer McDonald
Registration #
15
FADE IN:
iNT. GOLDEN PALACE RESTAURANT – lUNCH
JIMBO (39) sits slouching in a red vinyl booth while eating the lunch buffet. He is grossly overweight and wears bright red sweats with a yellowish tinted tee shirt.
Bright overhead lights shine off of his bald head. Each side of his head sports hair that looks as if it hasn’t been washed in weeks. One side hangs longer than the other so he can comb it over on special occasions.
He sits alone. On the table is an oversized plate piled high with a mix of Chinese food items. A super sized “to go” soda cup sits next to his plate of food. Coke can be seen spilled randomly on the table.
A thick brown sauce runs from the corners of his mouth and down his chin as he stuffs two stacked egg rolls completely into his mouth in one bite.
As he chews he closes his eyes and offers up a facial expression of pure pleasure. The expression suggests that he is equating the taste of the Chinese with that of sex.
JIMBO
(with mouth full)
Son of a bitch this is excellent shit. Mmmm mmm!
A thin elderly Chinese man, KONG CHU (56), with silver hair appears at Jimbo’s table as he chews. He wears black pants, a white dress shirt with black bow tie, and red dinner jacket.
Kong carries a sliver tray of fortune cookies.
Kong
Mr. Jimbo you here every day. Good customer.
He pushes the tray out toward Jimbo as he chews.
Kong
Go ahead Mr. Jimbo… For you.
Jimbo grabs a handful of fortune cookies and sets them on the table. His mouth is too full to speak. He gives a thank you nod.
kong
You stop eating so much food or you going to croak soon. Try Hunan Beef better for body and mind.
Jimbo swallows his food then gulps. He wipes the brown sauce from his chin and it only smears across his face.
JIMBO
Hey Chin Fu, don’t you be worryin bout me. I’m healthy as a horse. Could eat the great wall of china…
Jimbo’s eyes pop wide open and his face swells like a bowling ball. He is having an allergic reaction to the food. He grabs at his throat with both hands gasping for air. His face turns red then changes colors to blue.
His head falls face first into the mountain of Chinese noodles on his plate. He looks dead.
Kong casually reaches out and picks up a fortune cookie off of the table and cracks it open. He reads the fortune to Jimbo as he lay dead in the mountain of Chinese noodles.
kong
Ahh. Fortune say… You'll be hungry again later. Why not order some takeout.
Kong crushes the cookie in his hand and sprinkles the crumbs over Jimbo’s lifeless head.
KONG
That good fortune. I order take out for you now.
Kong disappears into the kitchen to call an ambulance.
Patrons in the restaurant swarm around the area with shocked looks on their faces.
One skinny women points at her fat husband and suggests he is next if he doesn’t get into shape. The husband rolls his eyes as she points, looks her square in the eyes, then stuffs an egg roll into his mouth.
EXT. AMBULANCE – CONT.
A beautiful blonde nurse, RITA (32), moves with speed about the back of the ambulance. She squeezes a jelly substance onto some rescue paddles as two idiot ambulance drivers, TAD (24) and MARK (26) slide Jimbo into the ambulance.
RITA
Heart attack right boys?!
MARK
Not sure. Found him face down in some chow mien noodles. Waiter wasn’t sure just kept saying he didn’t want his ass to be sued. Gave me this doctor’s card.
Casually tosses the business card at Rita.
She rolls her hand over and over to indicate “get to the point” while Mark speaks.
rita
And… Heart attack. No heart attack… Give me an answer.
Tad
OK! Call it a heart attack. Shit we don’t know.
The ambulance driver slams the rear door closed.
Blue and red lights on top of the ambulance spins round and round.
Both walk back toward the drivers and passengers doors on the ambulance then open the doors to get in.
TAD
Hell man all I know is this dude is toast.
Mark cracks up laughing as the two get into the ambulance.
A throng of people gathers on the sidewalk, everyone watches the ambulance as it speeds away.
INT. AMBULANCE CAB – cont.
Mark and Tad pulls their seatbelts tight and click them into place while laughing hysterically.
Attempting to insert the car key into the ignition Mark drops the keys on the drivers sided floor and bends to pick them up. He comes up with the keys and a lost joint from the floor.
MARK
Shit… God damn keys.
He comes up with the keys and a lost joint from the floor.
TAD
Dude! Spark it up and let’s get this meat wagon rolling.
Tad takes the joint from Mark and sparks it up.
MARK
I bet that dead bastard wishes he had some of this medical marija wanna.
They both laugh as Mark puts the key into the ignition and the cab fills with smoke. He turns the key and the engine starts.
The ambulance drives away, lights spin and no siren is heard.
Rita pokes her head through the opening between the back and front of the ambulance with a disgusted look on her face.
RITA
Hey, you two morons think we might step on it. I found a pulse and… guess what?
The two drivers look at each other and giggle.
RITA
It wasn’t a heart attack. It was an egg roll stuck in his wind pipe. He needs some oxygen but I think he’ll make it. NOW STEP ON IT!
Tad and Mark shrug their shoulder. Tad flips a switch and the siren blares.
She watches Tad take a long toke on the joint and squints in disapproval.
Rita
Roll down your window and throw that out the window bong boy. This isn’t a smoke hut. It’s a god damn ambulance!
Mark rolls down the window, flicks the joint out the window, then steps down on the gas. Rita is propelled back into the rear of the ambulance as they speed down the road.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
DOCTOR WU, in his early sixties and short in stature, dressed in slacks, white button down shirt and conservative tie stands over a hospital bed holding a clip board and reading the notes.
As he reads he frowns and shakes his head indicating “no” and rolls his eyes as he looks over the clip board at Jimbo lying in the bed.
Doctor Wu hands the clip board to Jimbo.
DOCTOR wu
This second time in one year you come into hospital on stretcher… This second time you choke on Chinese buffet. You want to die Mr. Jimbo.
(pause)
You lucky Kong call me this time. He tell me you have problem. He say you eat too fast. He say you pig.
Jimbo hands the clip board back to the doctor and reaches for a glass of water then takes a long drink.
Doctor Wu hangs the clip board at the foot of the bed.
JIMBO
(strained voice)
What can I say… I love Chinese especially that Hunan Beef stuff.
DOCTOR WU
Chinese food very good. Eating to fast very bad. Must chew food before swallowing.
He pokes Jimbo in the gut like the dough boy.
Doctor WU
Lots of fat Mr. Jimbo. You need Chinese diet.
JIMBO
Doc, I already told you I can’t diet. I might as well be dead. All that green shit with no taste. Fruit and vegetables. No way am I gonna eat that shit. Nope. I think I’ll take my chances.
He laughs then coughs.
JIMBO
You got a prescription that makes the fat go away without giving up my Chinese food habit?
Wu reaches into his pocket and pulls out a prescription pad and pen. His eyes focus on the pad while he writes.
Doctor wu
I keep morgue freezer cold for you ass.
(beat)
In mean time I give you Chinese diet plan… It’s called Kung Fu. You go see Master Lee…
JIMBO
Wait a minute doc. I only want to take a pill. Don’t you got a pill I can take? Kung Fu sounds like exercise. My back already hurts just thinking about that.
DOCTOR WU
(irritated)
You go see Master Lee! He whip you fat ass into shape. You stop eating too much food Mr. Jimbo you live longer.
Wu rips off the prescription and hands it to Jimbo.
DOCTOR WU
Now I release you ass and you go see Master Lee. He Kung Fu master. Here Master Lee address. Exercise good for body and mind.
JIMBO
Come on doc. Sure you don’t have a small pill I can take?
DOCTOR WU
It your choice. You take Kung Fu you live. You ignore signs you die.
Jimbo sets the prescription on the night table and pulls his bed sheet down to reveal two paddle burn marks on his chest.
JIMBO
Holy charred chest doc. I thought you told me I only choked on some Chinese? These gonna go away?
(beat)
Well if the food didn’t kill me and the ambulance didn’t kill me you think kung fu’ll kill me?
DOCTOR WU
You come back my hospital I kill you myself.
Jimbo
You think I can go today?
DOCTOR WU
Not today. You go tomorrow. Today you have too much fat in your head and your gut.
Wu shakes his head in disgusts and storms toward the door.
iNT. STUDIO – morning.
MASTER LEE, a well preserved sixty year old wears a white robe tied with a black belt. He has long stringy grayish white hair and a slim goatee that hangs two inches past his chin.
Full length mirrors wrap the walls of the studio. He stands facing the mirror.
Jimbo watches him perform kung fu moves in slow motion.
MASTER LEE
You come see Master Lee?
Jimbo
Yep. You Mister Lee?
MASTER lee
My name Master Lee. You name Mister Tubby? You call me Master Lee I call you grasshopper.
He stops and turns to face Jimbo. Jimbo walks toward Master Lee and steps on to the DOJO with his shoes.
Master Lee pokes his index finger into Jimbo’s chest and pushes him off of the dojo.
MASTER LEE
You must honor dojo. Shoes not allowed on dojo.
Jimbo rubs his charred chest where Master Lee poked him.
JIMBO
Hey watch the chest old man.
MASTER LEE
Mister Tubby you go. Go. Just go. You not honor my dojo you not honor Master Lee you GO NOW.
Master Lee walks to the door and opens it for Jimbo to leave.
JIMBO
Wait a minute. I think we got off on the wrong foot.
(laughs)
Ok. Sorry. Doctor Wu sent me to see you.
The door shuts and Master Lee returns to his dojo. Jimbo hands him his prescription as proof that Doctor Wu sent him.
He takes the note, folds it in half, then stuffs it into the crotch area of his pants.
Jimbo points to Master Lee’s crotch with a sick look on his face.
jimbo
That ink might not mix with your sweat. Might have a nasty reaction.
MASTER LEE
Mister Tubby I grow tired of you funny business. Master Lee here to help you be better man. Dojo not stand up comedy stage.
JIMBO
Yeah sure. Whatever floats your boat.
MASTER lEE
You answer YES SENSEI. Then you honor sensei with a bow. Now take off shoes and I give you first lesson.
He takes off his shoes to reveal two mismatched socks and a big hole in one of the socks.
Jimbo steps on to the dojo for his lesson.
Master Lee closes his eyes and folds his hands into a praying position. It looks like he is deep in a trance.
MASTER LEE
Sensei say fat body good for strong spirit.
He opens his eyes and smiles at Jimbo.
JIMBO
You want me to eat more?! What about Kung Fu and this exercise thing to lose weight.
MASTER LEE
I tell you secret. Wu a crazy old man. He think starving good for body. I say eating good for mind and spirit.
(beat)
You watch Karate Kid? Like Mr. Miagi say, first you paint fence up and down then you wax car round and round. Get your spirit right and your body come along for ride. Now you go home and eat and honor my words.
Jimbo shakes his head to indicate no and frowns at Master Lee.
JIMBO
Man I thought I was coming here to learn Kung Fu. I wantta at least kick something. Can we kick something. Give me one lesson on kicking.
Lee takes a step back and gets into a kung fu stance.
MASTER LEE
Ok one lesson. Ready?
Jimbo smiles and lifts his fists as if he is going to fist fight Lee.
Lee performs a round house kick that lands against Jimbo’s ear and knocks him to the ground.
JIMBO
Son of a bitch that hurt.
He shakes the cob webs out of his head and jumps up mad. Jimbo holds up two fists again to fight Master Lee.
JIMBO
Alright cupcake. I wasn’t ready. Now I’m gonna show you how we do it American style.
He swings at Master Lee. Master Lee pushes his punch aside and comes straight to the groin with a lightning fast knee.
Jimbo falls to the dojo on both knees grabbing his crotch. His facial expression shows a blank look of severe pain.
Master Lee kneels down and faces Jimbo.
MASTER LEE
My name Master Lee NOT cupcake. Mister Tubby why you come here?
JIMBO
(in pain)
I told you. Like Wu said, I gotta lose a hundred pounds.
MASTER LEE
First you eat turn body into temple to house strong spirit.
Master Lee helps Jimbo stand up. Lee walks normal and Jimbo walks slow and cautiously toward the door.
He scans the studio for other students.
JIMBO
Where are all of you students?
MASTER LEE
(puts arm around Jimbo)
All student graduate with honors and move on. You come back tomorrow we begin.
Jimbo gives Master Lee a simple wave with one hand while still nursing his crotch with the other as he walks across the street toward his car.
He walks slow and gingerly.
Super – three days later