Parent Talk
Parent Talk is a book by Chick Moorman that instructs parents how to add language tools to their repertoire of parenting skills. He has compiled a number of phrases that parents can use with their children that are both instructive to and respectful of the child. The phrases can give parents “new perspectives on old patterns of communication, along with an array of new choices.” (p.xxii) The parenting concepts and ideas presented in the book are not necessarily new or groundbreaking, but a parent can learn to use the concepts simply by using the easily memorized phrases. For many parents, having the words to say can bridge the often wide gap between parenting theory and practice. This may in turn help move a parent-child relationship in a more productive direction.
Mr. Moorman writes, “Your choice of words and your style of communication are critical to the self-esteem, emotional health, and personal empowerment of your children. There is an undeniable link between the words you speak and your child’s behaviors and attitudes.”
The four categories that most of the phrases seem to fall into are: descriptive, positive, appreciative, and instructive.
Mr. Moorman’s recommendation is for a parent to pick out 2-3 phrases or words that resonate with him or her right now. He suggests that the parent write each phrase on its own card and keep those cards in a pocket, a purse, a wallet, taped on the refrigerator, taped in the car, etc. The parent should focus on only those phrases and use them as much as possible as situations with children arise. Repetition is the key to making the words second nature. When the initial phrases have become a part of the parent’s vocabulary, new phrases can be chosen and practiced.
Parent Talk Phrases:
Choices
“Do you want your eggs fried or scrambled?”
--when possible, give children choices—responsible behavior, decision making ability, feelings of power and control, etc., are directly related to decisions children make
“Choose” “Decide” “Pick”
--Use these words often in conversations with children because they put the responsibility back on the child—“If you choose…..” “What did you choose to do?” “You decided to act calmly” “How did you decide to act?” “When you pick whining, I don’t act favorably.”
“You always have more choices than you think you have.”
--Helps child see alternatives. Use when child gets locked into one idea.
“Please make a different choice.”
--Child is responsible for own actions, controls own behavior, chooses own responses.
“Please make a decision.”
--Child can make a decision to play quietly or got to room; to follow the rules or choose another activity, etc.
--variation, “When you decide you’re ready to follow the rules…..”
“You decide.”
--Parent can use this one if the answer to either choice is probably yes!
--Other phrases: “It’s up to you,” “You get to decide,” “You choose”
Response-ability
“Act as if …”
--When child says “I can’t,” instead of telling child to “just try,” tell child to “act as if” they can do something.
--Variation, “Just pretend you can do it.”
“What’s your goal?”
--“What are you trying to accomplish?” “What is it you want from this?”
“Make a picture in your mind”
--Positive picturing, Mental rehearsal
“No”
--“No” can be a complete sentence—If an explanation is given, make it short!
--You don’t need your child’s permission to tell him or her “No”
“Usually/Most of the time”
--Use this instead of “Always” and “Never”
Search for Solutions
“Sounds like you have a problem”
--can prompt child to search and discover a solution
--parent can follow this statement with, “I know you can handle it.”
“Every problem has a solution”
--Children see themselves as problem solvers; can see that there are many choices
“We’ve got a problem. Who’s willing to help?”
--Children learn that the search for solutions is more important than establishing blame
Praise, Criticism, and Self Esteem
Most praise given to a child tends to be evaluative praise, comes from outside the child, and doesn’t have a lot of specific meaning, such as “You did a good job.” Moorman says, “Your words represent a judgment of what you think about the other person. Evaluative praise encourages children to take their self image from other’s perceptions…They don’t know how to praise themselves.” (p.120)
Instead of evaluative praise, parents can change their language so that children can evaluate themselves and draw their own conclusions.
Two alternatives to evaluative praise:
1. Descriptive Praise 2. Appreciative praise
Descriptive Praise:
“All your letters are right between the lines”
--Describe the situation and allow child to draw own conclusion and evaluate self
--examples: “The floor is clear of toys,” “You worked on that for an hour”
Appreciative Praise:
“I appreciate your efforts. Thanks.”
--Appreciative praise tells child what behaviors are helpful, explains positive effects, and shares appreciation
--Examples: “Thanks for helping me sweep. That saved me ten minutes.” “I appreciate you coming downstairs right when I called. Now we can leave on time.”
Criticism—Criticism can be the other side of the praise coin. Criticism can be very evaluative and gives little useful information to the child. When a parent starts to become critical, the same changes can be made in language as with praise. Instead of being evaluative, a parent can try to be descriptive and appreciative.
“There are crayon marks all over the wall”
--Phrase is descriptive and specific.
“I would appreciate it if….”
--Phrase is appreciative and gives child information for the future.
“I don’t enjoy being interrupted….”
--Sharing parent’s displeasure
“Next time….”
--Use this phrase instead of “Don’t”
--Phrase plants positive pictures in child’s mind
Building Intimacy
“I love you”
“I noticed…”
--Phrase says, “I see you,” “You’re important here”
“Different people have different needs”
--Phrase can be particularly effective with siblings and family members.
“One step at a time.”
--Phrase can reduce learning anxiety, especially for perfectionistic children.
--Variations—“Little by little,” “Baby steps”
“Some of us….”
--Phrase can prevent competitive atmosphere
--“Some of us play sports,” “Some of us like to sing,” “Some of us need quiet time”
“I’m sorry”
“Touch each other gently”
--Instructs child what to do
Feelings
“Sounds like you’re feeling frustrated”
“I hear your anger and I’d like you to express it in different words.”
“I see….and I’m angry. Next time I need you to …..”
--When a parent is angry: 1. describe what is seen 2. share adult feeling 3. provide information for the next time it happens
--Example: “I see raisins all over the carpet and I’m angry. Next time you need to keep food in the kitchen.”
Reducing Conflict
“I see clothes on the floor”
--Describe, describe, describe
“I don’t like what I just heard. If you’re angry, tell me another way.”
“How can we see this differently?”
“How can you both get what you want?”
--Works well for siblings or friends
“Is this helpful or unhelpful?”
--Phrase works well for tattling behavior
“If you don’t like it, tell him you don’t like fighting.”
“What will you do?”
--Example: if child says, “I won’t hit my brother anymore,” parent can answer the “won’t” with a “What will you do?”
Compiled by Lisa Allen, Parent Education Instructor