Disclaimer.
I wonder why I bother, nobody reads disclaimers anyways.
Why? Because they are BORING!
Buuuuuut ok here goes. I do NOT own the following characters.
Sevvie (belongs to JKR)
Oprah (Belongs to... ehm... well Oprah!)
Dr Phil (Belongs to.. Well nobody knows.)
Niche and Uni (Belongs to Niche and Uni, I abuse their nicks for my own sick stories Bwahahahaha!)
BUT MR SOCKPUPPET IS MINE YOU HEAR!? MIIIINE!!!!
If you want to read the product of a lunatic who had too much time on her hands.. then read on.
BUT BEWARE! For if you do.. You are about to enter the zone... where normal things don’t happen... very often... (yes I stole that from Johnny Bravo WHOM I ALSO DONT OWN.)
Man I hate disclaimers *rolls eyes*
For those of you who do not understand the story, its written in IRC style. IRC (internet Relay Chat, I DONT OWN THAT EITHER!!! Well, sort of) is a chat programme aaand-.. Ah sod it. Go take a look and see for yourself!
No smile, money back.
...Well it’s free... but still.
...ehm..
....why are you still reading this?
...... Oi! Go on! Go! Sod off! You are making me nervous!
....I mean it!
GO AWAY!
*moan* Please.. PLEASE just go to the next chapter, you are wasting your time here!!!
Piss off!!

======Chapter 1, SEVVIE! ======

*** Snape is on irc
*** Snape joined #Slytherin
<Holly> ...
<Niche> Holly is that you?
<Holly> No, but we registered that nickname though...
<Snape> Hello.
<Niche> Hello. Say eh, Holly and I registered that nick, could you change it please?
<Snape> ...But its my name.
<Holly> Just type /nick SomethingElse
*** Snape is now known as SomethingElse
<Niche> LOL
<Holly> hehehe
<SomethingElse> What is so amusing?
<Niche> Oh nothing.
<Holly> So! Who be ye?
<SomethingElse> Excuse me?
<Holly> Who be ye!
<Niche> That’s slang for who are you.
<SomethingElse> Ah. Well I am Severus Snape.
<Holly> ...riiiiiight.
* DCC SomethingElse sends Holly Me.jpg
* Holly checks
<Holly> HELLO, is this a webcam shot?
<Niche> What?
<Holly> He sent me a self pic! Gods he IS Snape!
* DCC Holly sends Niche Me.jpg
<Niche> *DROOLS* Omg!
<Holly> And if its just a photoshop manipulated pic, he is friggin drool- able!
<SomethingElse> Photoshop?
<Niche> Yeah.... *melt!*
<SomethingElse> What is Photoshop?
<Holly> So you’re the real Sevvie?
<SomethingElse> Sevvie?
<Niche> MARRY ME!
<SomethingElse> Did you say... Sevvie!?
<Holly> LOL your already married Eenhoorn! Me on the other hand... *winkwinkwinkflutterseyelashes*
<SomethingElse> Sevvie.
<Niche> Well its not against the law to be married to 2 guys. Marry me!!!!
<SomethingElse> Sevvie... I am slightly disturbed.
<Holly> Well Niche, actually it IS illegal.
<Niche> Oh shut up mushroom.
<SomethingElse> Silly persons.
<Holly> So, what brings you on irc?
<SomethingElse> I’m in a muggle home.
<Niche> Grrrr not a female muggle right!?!? *glare*
<SomethingElse> I’m not quite sure of the gender.
<Holly> ...Ok I changed my mind, I don’t wanna know.
<SomethingElse> Fine.
<Niche> So sweetypie, when was this pic taken hmmm?
<SomethingElse> Sweetypie?
<Holly> LoL!
<Holly> He looks yummm on the pic don’t he!
* Niche glomps SomethingElse
<SomethingElse> Did she just call me sweetypie!?
<Holly> heh, yah
<Niche> So when was the pic taken!
<SomethingElse> 10 minutes ago before the muggle.. eh.. Had to.. go.
<Niche> Oooooooh nice!
<Holly> Excuse me? Go? Go where?
<Niche> You look sooooo... sooo...
<Holly> Greasy
<Niche> Handsome!
<Holly> Scary
<Niche> Adorable!
<Holly> Morbide
<Niche> Happy!
<SomethingElse> ...
* Niche grins innocently
<Niche> I’ll send you a pic of myself.
* DCC Niche sends SomethingElse Bad.jpg
<SomethingElse> GOOD GOD!
<Holly> ...Nich what did you send him!?
<SomethingElse> GOOD... GOD!!
<Niche> *smirkie*
<Holly> Oi! Eenhoorn! What did you send!
<SomethingElse> GOD!
<Niche> So, how was work today Sevvie?
<SomethingElse> gllgh... pt.. fl...
<Holly> Is that a language?
<Niche> No idea.
<SomethingElse> Good... GOD!
<Holly> Religious kinda guy no?
* DCC Holly sends SomethingElse Ear.jpg
<SomethingElse> EWW! ..what is this?
<Holly> It’s a close up of my right ear!
<Niche> LOL!
<SomethingElse> You two are mentally deranged you know that!?
<Holly> Yup! And proud of it!
<Niche> So will you marry me?
<SomethingElse> No.
<Holly> And me?
<SomethingElse> NO!
<Holly> My sister then!
* DCC Holly sends SomethingElse SisInBikini.jpg
<SomethingElse> NO!!
<Holly> dang
<SomethingElse> You two freak me out!
<Niche> Does that mean you like us?
<SomethingElse> ARGH!
<Holly> I also have a pic of my left ear, wanna see?
<SomethingElse> NO!!
*** SomethingElse has quit irc (quit: Freaks!)
<Niche> ...
<Holly> ...
<Niche> Was it something I said?
<Holly> Probably.
<Niche> Hey!

======Chapter 2, The RPG ======

*** SomethingElse is on irc
*** SomethingElse joined #Slytherin
<Niche> SEVVIE! Honeymunchiesweetypie! *GLOMPS*
<Holly> Hellooooo Sevvie!
<SomethingElse> I would prefer: Professor Snape thankyouverymuch. I didn’t take a 10 part “how to become a potionsmaster” course just to be called “Sevvie”.
<Holly> Ooooohhh, looks like SOMEONE here got out of the wrong side of the bed!
<Niche> Look I TOLD you I was sorry for the trojan horse.
<Holly> I was talking about Sevvi-... What trojan horse?
<SomethingElse> ...
<Niche> heh, never mind.
<Niche> So Sevvs, what brings you back here?
<SomethingElse> I found your behaviour strangely interesting.
<Holly> Oooooh he likes us!
<Niche> Woohoo!
<SomethingElse> And I started writing a book about about “Deranged muggle girls who think they are witches just because they read jkr books.”
<Holly> Oh how nice!
<Niche> Lovely!
<SomethingElse> So i’m here to observe you two for a while.
<Niche> Ooooooh observe! I have a webcam you know!
<Holly> Me toooo!
<Holly> Have him log in to buddyphone, you can do group video chats there.
<SomethingElse> No thank you.
<Holly> Dang.
<Niche> Oh. Fine.
<Holly> Soooo...
<Niche> Hm.
> Time reminder. It is now [19.00]
> Current minimal lag: 1 sec.
> Time reminder. It is now [20.00]
<Holly> eh... hello?
<Niche> hm?
<Holly> Why is Sevvie not talking?
<SomethingElse> I was analysing your chatting behaviour. Please act as though i'm not here.
<Niche> o...kay...
> Time reminder. It is now [21.00]
<Holly> So.. shall we roleplay a bit Nich?
<Niche> Sure! Sevvie can watch! Come along Sevvs, we are off to #TLS18346.
* Niche has left #Slytherin
* Holly has left #slytherin
<SomethingElse> Something tells me this is not going to end well.
* SomethingElse has left #Slytherin
*** Niche has joined #TLS18346
*** Holly has joined #TLS18346
*** SomethingElse has joined #TLS18346
<Holly> Let me login Snape.
<SomethingElse> Excuse me?
<Niche> We often play double parts.
*** Snape has joined #TLS18346
<Snape> There. It’s me, Holly
<SomethingElse> ...Whats this about?
<Niche> We roleplay a lot. You’re in our story too, usually Holls plays you. Lets start!
<Holly> ok! Aaaaaaand Action!!
<SomethingElse> I... don’t quite follow...
* Niche is still sleeping in Snape’s arms.
<SomethingElse> I beg your pardon??
* Snape wakes up early and smiles at Niche, gently kissing her jawline.
<SomethingElse> ...I BEG your pardon!?!?
<Holly> Shh!
* Niche wakes up and smiles at Snape
<Niche> Hello dear. Did you sleep well?
<Snape> Not quite... Still the memory of Wassalissa haunts me in my dreams.
<SomethingElse> Wassawho!?
<Holly> Shh! Your deceased wife! Volders killed her.
<SomethingElse> I was never married! And “Volders”!?!?
<Holly> Will you clam it! *grunt*
<SomethingElse> I think my book will turn out very interesting.
<Holly> Shh!! Lets get on with it.
* Niche caresses Snape’s hair.
<Niche> I know it’s hard hon, but you have to move on.
<Snape> I know. I know... Well then. *stands up* Time for class. See you there sweety.
<SomethingElse> “sweety?” I don’t even know you!
<Holly> Hush!
<Niche> Bye honey. *gets up*
* Niche meets Holly in the dining room. They watch as Snape goes to sit on his usual seat on the teachers’ table.
<Holly> (AT the teachers table)
<Niche> (Whatever!)
<SomethingElse> ...
<Niche> *whispers to Holly* your uncle and I had a wonderful night together.
<SomethingElse> Thank God i’m fictionous.
<Holly> Will you stop spoiling our rpg!
<SomethingElse> What?
<Niche> Yeah! Your supposed to be dreamy and cute and stuff so be a nice Sevvie and SHUT UP!
<Holly> ...
<SomethingElse> ...
<Niche> heh... sorry.
<SomethingElse> I think i’ll go now. I heard more than I wanted.
<Niche> but I got another pic for you!
<SomethingElse> DONT send it!
* DCC Niche sends SomethingElse VERYbad.jpg
<SomethingElse> ...is that anatomically possible?
<Holly> What did you send!
<Niche> *smirk*
<SomethingElse> I think i’m gonna be sick...
<Holly> What did you seeeend! Tell tell tell!!!
*** SomethingElse has quit irc (quit: I need a bucket)
<Niche> He’ll be back the moment he finds out the picture should be seen upside down.
<Holly> What did you send! TELL ME!
<Niche> *smirk*

======Chapter 3, Be yourself! ======

*** SomethingElse is on irc
*** SomethingElse has joined #TLS18346
<Niche> What do you mean I got an F! The potion was blue!!
<Snape> Silence miss Eenhoorn!
<Holly> *hick*
<Snape> Detention!!!
<Niche> Yay!
<Snape> *glare*
<Niche> I mean.. bugger.
<SomethingElse> What’s this?
<Holly> (when you are not rpg-ing, please talk within ()
<SomethingElse> (What’s this?)
<Niche> (We are role playing potionsclass. Holly is Snape)
<SomethingElse> (Fine. Lets see it then.)
* Snape paces around the room, robes billowing behind him.
<SomethingElse> (My robes don’t “billow”)
* Snape stands in front of the class and glares at the students.
<Snape> Shut up you miserable little brats! Go clean your kettles and get out of my class!
<SomethingElse> (Oh come on! I’m not like that you miserable little brats! I’m not like that at all!)
<Niche> *sings* I got deteeention, I got deteeeention *grin*
<Holly> Do behave Nich, i’ll wait for you in the dorms.
<Niche> Ok.
* Holly walks out and closes the door
<Snape> So. Miss Eenhoorn. Yet again you can’t control your backtalk.
* Snape stands behind Niche and puts his hands on her shoulders.
<SomethingElse> (No physical contact is allowed in detentions!)
<Holly> (Lighten up Sevvie, its just an rpg.)
<SomethingElse> (the way you play me is ridiculous!!)
<Niche> (YOU do it then.)
* Snape leaves #TLS18346
<Holly> (go ahead, take the nick Snape.)
<SomethingElse> (excuse me?)
<Niche> (Type /nick Snape and play yourself!)
*** SomethingElse is now known as Snape
<Snape> (What do I do?)
<Holly> (Well you just gave Niche detention. Though she is Voldies daughter, and a pain in the ass, you love her. It must be a secret to the rest of the school though.)
<Snape> (Why exactly am I doing this?)
<Niche> (So your book on deranged muggles will be more interesting.)
<Snape> (Oh yes.)
<Holly> (come on, get on with the story!)
* Niche looks up at Snape and smiles a bit.
<Niche> So... what will my detention be? ..professor? *smirk*
<Snape> (eh...)
<Holly> (Say something! Come on, be yourself!)
<Snape> Well. You are to scrape out these kettles.
<Niche> Excuse me!?
<Snape> When you’re done; disembowel those rats.
<Niche> ...
<Snape> Then you will clean the floor of the owlery with your toothbrush.
<Niche> Eh... Sev?
<Snape> What.
<Niche> How about we kiss passionately and do unmentionable things instead? *smirkie*
<Snape> How about we don’t.
<Holly> (HAHAHAHAHAHA)
<Niche> (Shut up mushroom!)
<Holly> (ROTFL! HAHAHAHAHA)
<Snape> (May I ask whats so funny?)
<Niche> (Nothing hon, Holly is just having one of her.. attacks again.)
<Holly> (LOLOLOLOL!!!!!)
<Snape> (ah.)
* Niche grumbles and gets to work.
<Niche> Why are you so mean...
<Snape> Because I think your an odd muggle who sends me weird pictures.
* DCC Niche sends Snape MexicanBadWords.wav
<Snape> ...Pendejo?
<Niche> Don’t ask.
<Holly> Shall we continue the story?
<Niche> No. He plays a lousy Snape.
<Snape> Excuse me?
<Holly> Could you change your nick again please.
<Snape> ...
<Holly> Type /nick Nickname
* Snape is now known as Nickname
<Niche> I SO saw that coming.
<Nickname> Well I think I played a perfect me.
<Holly> Face it Sevvie, you sucked.
<Nickname> A bit more respect here if you please!
<Niche> Oooooooh someone is touchyyyy
<Holly> I’m NOT hung over!
<Nickname> ...
<Niche> What?
<Holly> eh... Never mind.
*** Snape has left irc (quit: Connection reset by peer)
<Niche> Ok, I must admit I didn’t see THAT coming.
<Holly> I bet even Trelawny didn’t see that coming Nich.
<Holly> Peer means pear in Dutch. Can you imagine a pear disconnecting him?
<Niche> Where you drunk yesterday?
<Holly> A bit. Did you notice in our rpg session?
<Niche> Yes well, I found it a bit odd the way you described Voldie. Prancing around in a tutu singing puff the magic dragon.
<Holly> I said that!?

======Chapter 4, Video chat? ======

*** Nickname is on irc
*** Nickname has joined #TLS18346
<Niche> Welcome back!
<Holly> wb!
<Nickname> I got disconnected.
<Holly> Yah, we saw.
<Niche> We had just finished our rpg session for today.
<Nickname> Oh, I missed it? To bad.
<Niche> You missed the best part! Gods those DETAILS yummm!
<Holly> Nich, control yourself.
<Nickname> Yummm?
<Nickname> I don’t think I want to know. Now Niche, about these pictures of yours.
<Holly> I wanna see! I wanna see!
<Niche> You liked them?
<Nickname> Actually I found them quite disturbing.
<Holly> LEMME SEE! Send! Send!!! Sned!!
<Niche> Sned?
<Holly> *Send. Typo.
<Nickname> Sned is actually an existing word.
<Holly> Is it?
<Nickname> Yes. It’s a lethifold spleen.
<Niche> Lethifolds have spleens?
<Holly> What’s a spleen?
<Niche> So what is so disturbing about the pictures?
<Nickname> What can I say. I dislike pink fluffy bunny shaped slippers.
<Holly> What’s a spleen?
<Niche> Oh, then check this one.
* DCC Niche sends Nickname Bunnyhop.gif
<Nickname> …
<Niche> Well?
<Nickname> Blue… fluffy bunny shaped slippers.
<Holly> C’mon you guys lemme see!
<Nickname> And it moves!?
<Niche> heh, yah it’s a .gif file. Ye like?
<Nickname> I’d best not comment.
<Nickname> But at least this picture is less disturbing than the others.
<Holly> LEMME SEE!
<Niche> Why’s that?
<Nickname> You’re wearing clothes on this one.
<Holly> …
<Niche> Eh… I was wearing them on the others too!
<Nickname> Only socks don’t count.
<Holly> Forget it, I DON’T wanna see.
<Niche> hehehehe
<Nickname> I do hope you are finished sending me pictures now.
<Niche> Well there is 1 more..
<Nickname> NO!
<Holly> NO!
<Niche> Ok, ok. Sheesh!
<Holly> So Sevvie, tell us a bit about yourself!
<Niche> Yeah! How are you in bed!
<Holly> Niche!
<Nickname> Usually asleep.
<Niche> Are the rumours true?
<Nickname> What rumours.
<Holly> About you and McG!
<Niche> That you and her have something going on!
<Nickname> Mc…G?
<Holly> McGonnagall.
<Nickname> I don’t quite follow.
<Niche> Do you have sex with her or not!
<Holly> Very subtle Nich.
<Nickname> I find that idea rather repulsive.
<Holly> Is that a yes?
<Nickname> That is an obvious no!
<Niche> Phew!
<Nickname> I don’t have time for such idiocy.
<Niche> Sevvy can I ask you something?
<Nickname> You just did.
<Niche> Can I ask you something else?
<Nickname> If you must.
<Niche> Are you a virgin?
<Nickname> No I’m a Capricorn actually.
<Holly> hehehehe
<Niche> Well are you?
<Nickname> I believe that is none of your business.
<Holly> Omg! He’s avoiding the question! That means he is!
<Niche> How is that possible!!! He is such a yumm droolable total HUNK!
<Nickname> Droolable?
<Niche> Poor Sevvie! Lets meet!
<Holly> Na-ah Eenhoorn! Your married!
<Niche> Well eh… hubby can come along!
<Holly> That’s sick!
<Nickname> Droolable??
<Niche> Ok ok lets not meet.
<Holly> Go hug and kiss hubby NOW Nich! That’s an order!
<Nickname> Droolable. Ah.
<Niche> I just did, he asked me how many beers I had.
<Nickname> What kind of word is droolable!
<Holly> So how about video chat!
<Nickname> No thank you.
<Niche> Oh come ooooooon please? Please? Please? *puppy eyes*
<Nickname> I’d rather not.
<Holly> Fine. We wont co-operate in your book then.
<Niche> Yeah.
<Nickname> Oh…
<Nickname> What do I have to do?
<Holly> go to and download the video chat thing!
<Niche> Mwahahahaha
> Time reminder. It is now [22.00]
<Nickname> Ok I got it. Now what.
<Holly> I’ll make a multivideo room. I’ll invite you both when I’m done.
<Niche> Ok Holls.
<Niche> So you are a virgin?
<Nickname> Like I said, that is none of your business!
<Holly> Did you get the invite?
<Niche> Yes I’m there. I can see you, hiiiii Hollyyyy!
<Holly> Yeah I see you too, oh there’s Sevvie!! GODS you look handsome!
<Nickname> You can see me?
<Niche> Oh yeahhhh!
<Holly> NICHE stop doing that!! Remember I can see you too!
<Niche> Heh, sorry Holls. So why don’t we have audio?
<Holly> Beats me.
<Nickname> Does Niche have something in her eye?
<Holly> No Sevvs, it’s called “fluttering of eyelashes”
<Nickname> I see. It’s slightly annoying.
<Niche> My my, its so warm in here!
<Holly> You told me you where always freezing! And it’s snowing outside!
<Niche> .. Yes. Well. I still think its warm. I’ll get rid of my sweater.
<Nickname> Nonono keep it on!
<Holly> Oh nice t-shirt Nich!! Is that Scar?
<Niche> Yep! Look!
<Nickname> Does she HAVE to be so close to the camera?
<Holly> Very nice t-shirt Nich!
<Niche> pfff… I’m STILL warm. Aren’t you tired Holls?
<Holly> Excuse me?
<Niche> Isn’t it bedtime for you? Phewwww i’m boiling hot!
<Holly> Well no, its saturday.
<Niche> Scram! Piss off! Get out! Go away! Leave us!
<Holly> I get this odd feeling I’m not wanted here.
<Nickname> Yes well, it’s bedtime for me so I’d better go.
<Niche> You bet it’s bedtime for you Sevvie *wink*
<Holly> Niche will you cut it out!
<Nickname> eh well. I will go now. Bye!
*** Nickname has quit irc (quit: My my, I’m so sleepy all of a sudden)
<Niche> Oh no you do-.. Damn! Don’t you just HATE it when they leave without giving you a chance to say goodbye!
<Holly> Niche, you look a bit blue.
<Niche> Yes well. I’m a bit sad he had to go already.
<Holly> No, I mean really blue. Is that an icicle dangling on your nose?
<Niche> I’m not cold.
<Holly> Ah. Is that snow in your hair?
<Niche> Dandruff.
<Holly> Your husband didn’t fix the hole in the roof yet, did he.
<Niche> He did!
<Holly> Sure Nich.