Dealing with Loss & Grief
The loss of a spouse, partner or loved one is one of the most intense personal crises a human being can face. After the initial numbness, you may experience feelings such as disappointment, anger, denial and pain. In addition to your own feelings, you have to attend to your family’s feelings, legal arrangements, finances, and employment issues. It is common to feel overwhelmed and unsure about the future. The best thing to do is to talk it out with trusted adults and let yourself mourn.
Mourning is not considered as important in our culture as it is in other cultures. There are few customs in our society to help people through mourning. You may feel you’re expected to get over your loss before you’reready. In addition, demands on your time and energy - because of changing roles and responsibilities - may leave you feeling drained.
Your ability to cope at this time may also be affected by the circumstances surrounding the death and your perception of the loss. For example, was the loss due to an extended illness, suicide or a sudden accident? Do you feel the death could have been prevented or not? Do you believe your loved one suffered or was in physical or emotional pain when he or she died? The answers to these questions can influence how quickly or slowly it takes you to integrate the loss of your loved one into your new life.
Working through feelings
Sometimes the emotional and physical pain is so intense you may be frightened. Will you ever be able to survive? It’s important to know that this pain is part of the healing process, and it will take time to heal. If you fell down and broke your leg, you wouldn’t question asking for help. You would take it easy so the bone could heal. It will also take time and support from friends and family to recover from your loss. Based on the degree and duration to which you have these pains, you will want to alert your medical provider.
•As time goes by, the pain will begin to ease.
•To move on, you will want to find a new purpose and a way to keep loving memories close.
•It may help to share your feelings with a trusted friend. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
•Know when it will be most helpful to you to find an objective listener: counselors, social workers and/or support groups.
• Recognize common feelings: My life is ‘coming apart’; I’m no longer in control; I may take action I’ll later regret; Alcohol, drugs, or other addictive substances will help me; I’m feeling isolated and unable to get the help I deserve. Reach out!
It used to be us. Now it’s just me.
Most people go through similar mourning stages, but not in the same way or the same order. Which of these experiences seem familiar to you? How do your feelings differ? Are you taking time to sort out/discuss your thoughts and feelings with a trusted adult?
Shock and disorganization
You may not feel how to act. Daily life can be turned upside down. You may think you have to take care of everything, even when you do not want to do anything.
Denial
Some people may deny their loss by avoiding change. Others spend time thinking that this really didn’t happen and that they will wake up tomorrow and life will be back to normal. Some can’t be alone amongst the shared possessions and spaces.
Anger
If anger is not expressed, it can become destructive. It may lead to depression, ulcers, high blood pressure or other problems. Be careful not to take anger out on others. Anger can be expressed in healthy ways. Try to find positive changes like making exercise a part of your life or starting new hobbies. Walking with a friend to just get out of the house can help to stay connected and provide an outlet for talking out your thoughts and feelings.
Loneliness
After things calm down, feelings of loneliness are often felt. If there are no adults around to talk about the changes, decision-making can be difficult. Sometimes dinnertime or times when you did activities together are difficult. Reach out and create new traditions. For example, share dinner every Thursday with a friend and her family or go shopping every Saturday with a neighbor.
Guilt/Shame
Often feelings of guilt and shame come over us. We may think people look at us differently. We ask why did they die and not us. Sometimes, guilty feelings occur: I should have done more.
Other feelings may include:
Sorrow: I still feel sad when I think about what he/she is missing. It’s hard to let go of the future we had planned together.
Depression, loss of interest in life: I feel depressed, sometimes I feel like my life isn’t worth living without my partner.
Test of religious beliefs: How could God let this happen?
Anxiety about the future: I don’t know what I’m going to do.
What areas are challenging for you?
•Legal & financial issues: insurance, property
•Change in physical environment: will I need to move?
•Relationships: Extended family, friends & neighbors
•Social Life: Seek out ways to attend new & familiar activities
• Personal Identity: Moving from “a couple” to single
•Grieving: Feelings of depression & anxiety can be addressed
The pace of adjustment depends on several things including: overall health, personality trait/temperament & beliefs about death
Ways to help Cope
Although it will take time and you will experience many different emotions, there are things that you can do to help yourself. Remember you are vulnerable after the loss of a loved one.
•Stay connected to your friends.
•Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest.
•Eat healthy foods. Start a plan to eat balanced meals.
•Exercise: go for a 20-minute walk every day. Explore nature.
•Don’t take on extra responsibilities.
• Be patient with yourself, your family and loved ones.
• Read. Learn something new.
• Start a new hobby or activity with your grandchildren.
Family focus: Supportive connections for single parent families. University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension. Foust, L. (1996). The single parent’s almanac. Rocklin, CA: Prima Publishing. McKenry, P., & Price, S. (2000). Families & change. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, Inc.
Nelson, P. Solo parenting. University of Delaware Cooperative Extension. Single parent news. (April 1996). OhioStateUniversity Extension.
Content Material Courtesy of:
Oklahoma State University, U.S. Department of Agriculture, State and Local Governments Cooperating. The Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service offers its programs to all eligible persons regardless of race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age, disability, or status as a veteran, and is an equal opportunity employer.