Dealing with Death
When a loved one in an adolescent’s world dies, theiremotional responses are often unique. Younger children tend to rely on parents or other important adults for help and reassurance. Teens, because they are working to separate from their parents, more frequently turn to their friends instead. This can leave you, as the parent or caregiver, feeling alienated from your teen just at the time when you want to be most available.
It is likely that, for a preteen or teen, this is their first experience of loss. In addition, adolescents are going through the enormous transition of becoming an adult, with all the complications of hormonal shifts, body changes,and emotional complexities. Developmentally, pre-teens and teens aren’t contemplating long-term consequences of any particular action, especially of their potential mortality. Because of these reasons, a death during this time is often quite shocking, no matter whom your child has lost.
Losing a close family member
When an adolescent loses a parent, sibling, or other close caretaker, their responses can be extremely varied. The younger the adolescent, the more likely he or she will try and verbally express feelings to you directly. If you have an older child, you’ll likely get conflicted expressions of anger, sadness, depression, refusal to talk, which can all be normal. But watch for other concerning signs, such as your child assuming the responsibilities of the lost parent or caretaker. Your teen needs to maintain his or her role as a child in order to effectively grieve, not take on more family burdens. Let your child go to friends for support, since friendships are the cornerstone of teen development. This is a complicated area too as you are also in need of support, and may not be in tune with your teen’s reactions. If you can, explain your position so that if your child understands.
Losing a peer
Because adolescents often feel invulnerable to real dangers in the world, when a peer dies, crisis can occur, for your child and in his or her peer group. Depending on how the friend died, through illness, accident or suicide, being totally accessible will be vital. Your usually confident teen may regress, even more from a peer death than one of a family member. She may become clingier and fearful, which are normal responses. Give a wealth of loving reassurance. Make your home a place where your child and his or her friends can gather safely to mourn, to remember, or to get some healthy distance from the pain.
Death of a pet
Many adults belittle the emotional attachment to a pet, especially as a child gets older. But pets are significant, emotional relationships, and often, adolescents have spent their entire lives with one particular family pet. Sometimes, the pet is theirs, sleeping in their rooms and beds. Preteens and teens will often have the same grieving process when a pet dies as when a close family member dies. Frequently, they may even grieve more deeply, because a pet can be a constant, totally accepting companion. Most important is to honor your child’s feelings for that pet. Minimizing feelings or dismissing the time needed for grieving will communicate that you do not respect your adolescent’s feelings, and serve to further alienate you.
Below are some guidelines that can be applied to any situation of loss.
Help your adolescent express his or her feelings.Once your child accepts the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time. Make it clear that your child has permission to show his or her feelings openly and freely, for as long as is necessary. Do this by encouragingcrying, anger, talking. Watch for drug and alcohol use, as this might be an avenue your child takes to avoid feelings.
Don’t force your child to do things he or she is uncomfortable doing.Forcing your child to go to a funeral, especially an open casket, is disrespectful of the individual process. Allow him or her to choose personal expressions of grief. Encourage creative outlets, such as writing a letter to the deceased or flower planting.
Avoid telling your child how to feel.Definitely share your own feelings, but do not assume your child will follow a similar course to you.
Offer love and assurance.Even though this may be an obvious statement, grieving is complicated. Your child may appear “fine”, but may be suffering silently. Displaying an abundance of emotional and physical support will stabilize both you and your child.
Share your grief.Watching you grieve will communicate to your adolescent that it is normal to cry and feel sad after death. You are the role model for how to navigate complex emotional situations, especially for an adolescent who is going through intense emotions during this life phase. What your child sees you do will be the lesson.
Complicated Grief
Adolescents whose grief may be headed in an unhealthy direction may display this by a number of concerning behaviors:
- An extended period of depression in which your child loses interest in regular activities and events, such as talking on the phone and going out with friends
- Trouble sleeping, lack of appetite
- Alcohol or drug use.
- Prolonged or adamant refusal to acknowledge the death
- A decline in normal school functioning, or refusal to attend school
Contact a profession if you see these signs.
Death is a difficult and emotional issue. Be aware of your own beliefs as you help your child become aware of his. Be there to communicate, love and reassure, and the process of healing will happen.