DAVOR MATOSIC: Tense, Energetic, Early Forties

GAYDONIA

By Gary Pedler

“GAYDONIA”

CHARACTERS

DAVOR MATOSIC: tense, energetic, early forties.

MATIJA: Davor’s wife. She’s the calm one in the couple.

(Matija also plays MINISTER SMAJLOVIĆ, BISHOP KERSOVANI, and DIETER TWO.)

NEVENKA: their sixteen-year-old daughter. More pretty than plain, though it’s hard to tell beneath her unflattering glasses and baggy clothes. (NEVENKA also plays the BALD MAN and MINISTER DODAN.)

IVO: their college-age son. A younger, more optimistic version of Davor.

(IVO also plays the GAY SON.)

VUKSA ĆURUVIJA: Davor’s mother. A former opera diva, done in by age and drink.

(VUKSA also plays MINISTER OZBOLF and the GERMAN WOMAN.)

CLIFF TILLMAN: Like Ivo, Cliff is in his early twenties, though gelled hair and better clothes give him a more sophisticated look.

(Cliff also plays the BEARDED MAN and DIETER ONE.)

ALL-PURPOSE MAN plays:

Male World Bank Officer / Jankovic, a Policeman / Hawker
Cleaning Woman One / Bishop Zuzul / Gay Father
Head Minister Petrak / Mr. Shopkeeper / Gay Tourist One

ALL-PURPOSE WOMAN plays:

Female Bank Officer / Mod Young Woman / Folk Singer
Cleaning Woman Two / Imam Suvar / Street Merchant
Ranka Vilovic, a Minister / Mean Shopkeeper / Gay Tourist Two

Davor, Ivo, Cliff, and the All-Purpose Man play the Female Ministers in Scene 9.

NOTE ON PROPS: The main props are two tables. These stand in for desks, museum display cases, a shop counter, the parapets of a bridge, and so on.

TIME: The Day After Tomorrow

SCENE 1

(An office in World Bank Headquarters, Washington, DC.)

(MALE BANK OFFICER hunches over a computer on his desk. Behind him hangs a large map of the world. FEMALE BANK OFFICER enters and hands him a fax.)

FEMALE OFFICER

Hey, Frank, someone left this fax for you on my desk. Probably you, you bastard, trying to get me to do even more of your work.

MALE OFFICER

Damn, you’re just too smart for me, Gloria!

(MALE OFFICER glances over the fax, muttering to himself.)

MALE OFFICER

“Revenues down, costs up, so sorry, emergency meeting, highest priority.” Yes, yes, but I’m the drooling one-eyed monster from the World Bank, and all I care about is getting paid.

FEMALE OFFICER

Bad news?

MALE OFFICER

What other kind is there these days? You remember the loans we made to that pathetic subatomic particle of a country, Zablvacia?

FEMALE OFFICER

Vaguely, the way I remember everything that doesn’t have to do with my love life.

(MALE OFFICER hands FEMALE OFFICER the fax, which she skims.)

MALE OFFICER

They’re in default, just like nineteen other developing countries and millions of American homeowners.

FEMALE OFFICER

But they seemed like a pretty good bet, didn’t they? Any spin-off of the former Yugoslavia that managed to stay out of all the wars in that region must have something going for it.

MALE OFFICER

It’s more like no one thought that mangy speck of land was worth fighting over.

FEMALE OFFICER

What did Zablvacia use its last loan for anyway?

MALE OFFICER

To build its own little airport. The minister in charge brought it in on time and even under budget. The only problem is, it’s running in deep dark red.

(A fly starts to buzz around the office.)

MALE OFFICER

How the heck did that fly get in here?

(He rolls up a magazine and gets ready to bash it.)

FEMALE OFFICER

So you’re going to tighten the screws?

MALE OFFICER

Yeah, I’ll make them scream for mercy!

FEMALE OFFICER

“We’ll shut your country down, we’ll make your name mud in the international credit market!”

MALE OFFICER

You’ve got the picture. Their government is holding an emergency meeting to figure out how to get more blood from the stone. The stone being their silly sleepy little country.

(The MALE OFFICER gets up in pursuit of the fly.)

FEMALE OFFICER

A sleepy little country! That actually sounds kind of nice this morning. My trip to work –

MALE OFFICER

If you start talking about how hard your commute was, I’m suddenly going to get very busy.

(The MALE OFFICER bangs the map with the magazine.)

MALE OFFICER

Got it! Anyway, I’m not sure how much you’d enjoy a country where the citizens run away to places like Belgrade in search of a better way of life.

(The FEMALE OFFICER studies the map.)

FEMALE OFFICER

Where is Zablvacia exactly?

MALE OFFICER

Snuggled up between Serbia and Croatia.

(The FEMALE OFFICER picks up the magnifying glass on the desk to help her.)

FEMALE OFFICER

I still don’t see it.

(Using the magazine, the MALE OFFICER flicks the dead fly off the map to reveal the tiny country hidden underneath.)

MALE OFFICER

Right there.

(The FEMALE OFFICER leans closer and closer until she’s almost right up against the map.)

FEMALE OFFICER

Oh yeah!

SCENE 2

(The Matosic Family’s cramped, shabby living room in morning light. It contains a couch and a table with chairs. A backpack leans against one end of the couch, along with a leather portfolio. An identical portfolio leans against the other end. On one side of the living room we see the adjacent kitchen.)

(THE MATOSIC FAMILY is gathered. Everyone else sits, while DAVOR paces. No one speaks. Finally, VUKSA breaks the silence.)

VUKSA

Goodness, this is turning into quite a long pause!

(More silence.)

VUKSA

The longest pause in my theatrical career occurred in the role of Mlada in “The Serpent Bridegroom”– that wheezing warhorse by our greatest Zablvacian composer, Bozidar Horvat.

(And more silence.)

VUKSA

It came during the wedding scene. The priest asked me if I took the dashing Count Granic to be my husband. You could have heard a pin drop while the audience waited for my answer. The head of a pin, even.

(Still no one speaks. VUKSA gets up and pours herself a glass of brandy from a decanter on the table.)

VUKSA

Would anyone else care for a glass of walnut brandy? I know it’s a bit early to imbibe, but under the circumstances –

(DAVOR wheels on MATIJA.)

DAVOR

Did you know, Matija?

(MATIJA looks at DAVOR, then away.)

DAVOR

Of course you did. You’re a psychologist, after all. You see through us like panes of glass.

MATIJA

I didn’t see through Ivo. I just saw him, saw how he was behaving. Then I asked him, and he told me.

DAVOR

He told you, but you said nothing to me.

MATIJA

We agreed it wasn’t the right time. He was just about to leave for his year of study abroad.

DAVOR

And now is the right time, today of all days?

MATIJA

He’d waited so long, he had to tell you the moment he returned from the United States.

(VUKSA pours another glass and hands it to Davor.)

VUKSA

Davor, I wish you’d have just a small glass.

DAVOR

(to Ivo)

And how did it all start? With someone – older? Did someone– persuade you? A stranger?

NEVENKA

Oh Father, you make it all sound so creepy!

(Since DAVOR won’t take the glass, VUKSA sips it herself.)

DAVOR

What about you, Nevenka? Did you know?

NEVENKA

Of course. Really, it isn’t that big a deal for people of my generation.

VUKSA

I knew, too, in case anyone cares. I’d be a fool not to see the signs, moving in artistic circles as I do.

DAVOR

So everyone in the family knew except me. I wasn’t as perceptive as my wife, nor as youthful in outlook as my daughter, nor as sophisticated as my mother.

VUKSA

My grandfather made his own walnut brandy. He’d chop up some green walnuts and put them in a jar –

DAVOR

And you tell me now, the day before the emergency meeting at the Ministry of Finance –

IVO

I’m sorry, Dad. But there’s another reason why it had to be today. You see, I have something else to tell you.

DAVOR

On your first day home, you announce you’re gay, you “come out” as they say, and now you have something more to tell us?

VUKSA

Grandfather swore it had medicinal properties. Very good for fungal infections, and dandruff. I admit, I don’t remember him having a speck of dandruff.

(The doorbell rings.)

DAVOR

It’s probably the widow with three cats from across the street come to tell me she knows, too.

(DAVOR tries to work the intercom at the front door.)

DAVOR

Hello? . . . Hello?

MATIJA

Davor, have you forgotten? The intercom has been broken for a week.

DAVOR

Oh, this miserable country! Nothing ever works here.

MATIJA

Nevenka, go down to the street and see who it is.

NEVENKA

Why me? It might be some stranger. You know I don’t like dealing with strangers.

(The doorbell rings again.)

IVO

I’d better go. It’s probably my friend.

DAVOR

What friend?

IVO

Someone I met at Stanford. He flew over with me. I asked him to walk around so I could have a chance to talk to you.

NEVENKA

(amazed, delighted)

Ivo, is he your boyfriend? Is that what you’re trying to tell us? That you’ve brought your American boyfriend home with you?

IVO

Well, yes. But I’m sure you’ll like him!

DAVOR

Ivo, this is too much! You invite a guest without our permission –

(The doorbell rings again.)

MATIJA

Ivo, if that’s your friend, you’d better go down.

IVO

All right. But please be nice to him, everyone.

(IVO exits.)

DAVOR

I’m going to the office. I have to think.

MATIJA

Davor, you can’t run away at a time like this!

DAVOR

I should never have agreed to make a proposal at this meeting. It was career suicide.

VUKSA

That’s just what I said at the time, Davor. Only someone with real imagination could find a way out of this financial mess, and you’ve always lacked imagination. Clearly you take after your dull departed father, not me.

(IVO enters with CLIFF. CLIFF carries a large backpack.)

IVO

Everyone, I’d like you to meet Cliff. Cliff, this is my grandmother Vuksa, my mother, my father, my sister Nevenka.

(DAVOR awkwardly shakes CLIFF’S hand.)

DAVOR

It’s nice to meet you, Cliff.

CLIFF

Drago mi je.[1]

(THE FAMILY exchanges looks of approval.)

CLIFF

Sorry, that’s about all I can get out in your lingo. I hope I can pick up more during my visit.

DAVOR

Your visit, yes. And exactly how long will that be?

CLIFF

Can’t say. I’ve finished my degree in theater arts, so I’m free as a bird.

DAVOR

“Free as a bird.” How nice for you.

VUKSA

Would you like a glass of walnut brandy, young man?

CLIFF

No, thanks. A little too early for me to hit the sauce.

VUKSA

It’s a custom in our country to drink a glass of walnut brandy whenever you arrive in someone’s home for a stay of an indefinite length.

CLIFF

In that case . . .

DAVOR

(talking over Cliff)

Mother, don’t talk nonsense!

(CLIFF takes the glass VUKSA offers him. They raise their glasses to each other and sip.)

DAVOR

Mother, you’ve been drinking far too much lately. I know you’ve been unhappy since the Perijov Theater canceled your contract –

VUKSA

And who can blame me? First a shift from leads to character roles, then a push into the chorus, then a shove over to the supernumeraries. But from there to be booted into the superannuated – that was too much to bear!

(to Cliff)

We call this orahovača. Can you say that?

CLIFF

Or-a-ho-va-cha.

VUKSA

Excellent! To your very good ear!

(VUKSA and CLIFF have another sip. CLIFF puts down the glass and removes his pack.)

CLIFF

I’d sure like to put down this pack somewhere. Just tell me where I’m bunking.

MATIJA

I suppose you’re staying in Cliff’s room, which is to say this room, our living room.

DAVOR

(gesturing at couch)

This folds out. It’s a – how do you call it? A couch potato.

IVO

A sofa bed, Dad.

(CLIFF leans his pack against the opposite side from Ivo’s.)

CLIFF

It’s really cool of you to take me in like this. I told Ivo I could drop my carcass in some hotel, but he said no way, I had to stay with his family.

DAVOR

Naturally we wouldn’t dream of you going to a hotel. Though you’d have more privacy and comfort there, and the price would probably seem very reasonable to you as an American.

IVO

Dad, Cliff wants to experience the real Zablvacia, not the inside of a hotel room.

DAVOR

Of course, of course.

MATIJA

Why don’t we all sit down?

(Some hesitation and false starts about who will sit where. Ultimately, CLIFF sits at one end of the couch with IVO self-consciously close beside him, and NEVENKA at the other end, peering at CLIFF through her glasses. VUKSA perches on the arm next to CLIFF. MATIJA sits on one of the chairs, while DAVOR remains standing. Only CLIFF and a lubricated VUKSA are at ease.)

MATIJA

Did you have a pleasant journey?

CLIFF

When I first saw the plane we were supposed to take from Zagreb, I was like, “No way, man!” That thing wasn’t much bigger than a pterodactyl. But it got us here in one piece.

DAVOR

(hopeful)

Any other tourists on board?

CLIFF

No, just a couple of Zablvacians who work outside the country and were visiting their families.

DAVOR

My poor airport. It lies there like a beautiful woman, waiting to be–

(DAVOR gives Cliff and Ivo an embarrassed look.)

DAVOR

Well, it doesn’t get used very much.

(An awkward pause.)

MATIJA

I hope you’ll enjoy your stay here. Our country can be rather boring for outsiders.

VUKSA

Zablvacia is hard for people to get to, and when they arrive, they wonder why they bothered.

NEVENKA

We don’t have a beautiful coastline like Croatia, ruins like Greece, even Count Dracula’s castle like Rumania.

CLIFF

Zablvacia is totally cool, what I’ve seen of it so far.

DAVOR

You like the Pluzinova Cookie Factory on the edge of town, the post-war monstrosities inflicted on the city center?

CLIFF

Yeah, you’ve got a few modern eyesores. But I come from a berg in California that’s proud of having a building from 1885, so a place like this just bowls me over. It’s obviously had a real long history.

VUKSA

Yes, a long history, like a long night in which you lurch from one nightmare to the next. Our country has been shrunk, expanded, swallowed whole. Decimated by floods and droughts, plague and famine. Ground under the heel of Turks, Hungarians, Serbs, Nazis.

NEVENKA

Sometimes I’m not even sure Zablvacia exists. I joined a pen pal club and wrote to a girl in Chile, and she wrote back that none of her friends had ever heard of such a place, I must be making it up.

IVO

Cliff wants to write a play about Zablvacia.

VUKSA

So you’re a playwright, Cliff! What have you written?

CLIFF

Four one acts, a few two acts, a couple of three acts, and a five act.

NEVENKA

That’s eighteen acts altogether.

CLIFF

I’ve only had one of my pieces staged so far, at Stanford’s Edge of the Fringe Festival, but I’m about to have my big break, I’m sure. My Zablvacian play will be a tragedy in blank verse. That form is just ripe for revival, don’t you agree, Vuksa?

VUKSA

(taking another sip)

At my age, anything involving blankness is appealing.

CLIFF

The play will be about one of your early kings.

NEVENKA

Which? Pribislav the Magnificent, Dervan the Beseiger, Samo the Pious?

CLIFF

No, the last of the Banovina line, Ivan the Ineffectual.

MATIJA

Oh yes, the king who invited the Turks to drop by any time they liked, thinking it would be good for business.

VUKSA

Any parts in it for a woman who, though somewhat older, still has a lot of glamor and charisma?

CLIFF

Sure, Ivan’s mom. She’s like Lady Macbeth and the Three Witches rolled into one.

VUKSA

Perfect!

(DAVOR gets up and grabs one of the leather portfolios.)

DAVOR

Cliff, I hope you’ll excuse me, but I must go into the office. I have an extremely important meeting tomorrow morning –

MATIJA

Davor, that’s Nevenka’s portfolio. Can’t you see where she scratched it when she fell off her bike?

(DAVOR peers at the portfolio.)

MATIJA

(to Cliff)

It seemed like a sweet idea to give them the same portfolios at Christmas, but they’re always mixing them up. Nevenka, I’ve asked you to keep yours in your room.

(MATIJA takes the portfolio from DAVOR and hands it to NEVENKA.)

NEVENKA

But it’s so crowded in there with me and Gran.

MATIJA

And now I think we should have lunch.

DAVOR