Dante’s Prayer 1-14

Acacia

Summary: Brian and Justin must make their way across dangerous territory with the people who survived the end of the civilization, in hopes of being together again.

What Life is Like 1

Present Time: September 2003

It seems unreal that it was almost two years ago to the day that the world as we knew it came to an end. Two years of fighting, two years of surviving, two years of trying to get back what we had lost. I thought that everything was lost, that everyone I knew was gone, but I have slowly found the survivors in my journey to get back to the one I want to find the most. Ben and I had met up not long after the Apocalypse and we have banded together with a small group of survivors. The “Brotherhood” as they like to call themselves have made our lives a living hell. The “New World Order” as they like to call it. Survival of the fittest. Unfortunately their definition of fittest isn’t what we believe it is.

Two years ago my life came to an end. I am no where near the same person I was back then … hell I’m not even the same person I was a year ago, and I don’t think that anyone could blame me. NO one is the same. The blast that had hit the Earth, had sent us all back to the fucking dark ages, and nothing was ever the same after that. It seems weird to me that with that one blast, it seemed like some things have gotten better. I mean, Ben is no longer suffering from the effects of the AIDS virus. It makes me wonder if the strange particles in the air somehow cured that disease. No one will ever know for sure, but I am glad that he is here with me.

How the hell I became the leader of this small group of “rebels” is beyond me. I mean what the fuck do I know about leading an army? But they look up to me, and I know that I can’t let them down. I can’t let HIM down. He’s the reason why I go on, and don’t give up. He’s the reason I’m still alive.

When I was captured by they Brotherhood, I thought that I would never make it. But he got me through those ten long months. Ten long months of torture, rape, humiliation. I thought that I never would get out of there. But Ben – and amazingly enough Emmett – along with the rest of the rebels came and rescued me. ME? Ben had told me that they needed their leader in one piece, they couldn’t leave me behind. It still amazes me that I’m in charge of this little band of misfits. It’s hard for me to move, to do anything. The injuries that I sustained at the hands of those monsters was bad. I don’t sleep anymore, I can’t. Every time I close my eyes I feel them there – watching me, touching me, hurting me. The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming.

I wonder if he will still be alive when we reach our destination? Will he still feel something toward me? Can we get back what we had lost? What I had stripped away from us?

I don’t know the answers to that. I don’t know really if I want to know. All I know is that I have to get back there. I have to get back to Pittsburgh, or what’s left of it. I have to get back to Brian. He’s the only reason for living in this new world for me. He is what has allowed me to survive. He is MY reason for living. He will help me to forget all I have endured these past couple of months – hell these past two years. Only Brian can keep me safe, can make me feel safe and forget the pain. Only Brian can make me feel worthy of love.

I walked through the camp on the embankment of a small river. I wish I remembered my geography from school to know where the hell we are, but I know that there are others here who are better equipped at remembering small details like that. I just sent out the scouting party looking for food, and made sure that the schedule for patrol has been made. I know that the “Brotherhood” is lurking around somewhere and I don’t want to be caught with my pants down again. Last time that happened we lost a lot of good people. I can’t let them down again. I just can’t. I feel like every time I let them down, that I screw up, I’m in effect letting Brian down. That’s one thing that I swore I would never do. I wouldn’t let him down… I’d make him proud of me, even if I never find him again – even if he’s only watching me from heaven…

I look over the dark sky – the dark sky that looked blood red, and the artist in me can invasion the redness of the sky as the blood of all those killed. Mom, Daphne, Ted, and the thousands, and millions of others who didn’t survive the first year. All the people who had died in the initial impact of the meteorite, and who had died in the “Cleansing”. I wonder how much of that color, I had put there. How many people have I killed in the name of freedom? How many lives have I taken in order to try and keep our “family” together? How many more lives will I take?

If there was ever hell on Earth, this is it. The end came, and now we have to fight to get back some of what we lost. I have to get back some of what I had lost. Ben needs to find Michael almost as much as I need to find Brian. They are our hope. Looking at the sky, I say the same thing I do every night hoping that one day he will hear me.

“I love you, Brian. I’m coming for you. We’ll be together, I promise. Just hold on, please.” I know I’ll get no reply, but as long as he knows that he is in my heart every moment of my life, as long as I feel that he knows this, then it makes getting through the day easier. It makes this long journey to home that much easier to bear.

Is there really a heaven? I have been wondering that a lot lately. I wonder if there is a better place than here. I want to believe that.. I want to believe that there is a place where I don’t have to fight anymore. I am so tired. I am tired of the fighting, of the killing. I am tired of people looking to me… ME, as a guiding light.. as their savior. Fuck, I’m just a kid. What do I fucking now about anything? I wish at times to go back.. to go back to the way things were. I wish I was that poor innocent kid I was when I first met Brian, when I first made those tentative steps onto Liberty Avenue. I wish for a lot of things… things that I know will never happen.
Molly has been a great help to me. She’s sort of become a handy nurse. It’s a shame that she had to grow up so fast. She’s only 13 for fucksake. She should’ve been able to have a childhood, to play with her Barbie’s with the girls down the street. She should’ve had a chance at innocence. I wish that she had the chance that I had. Crystal, our resident Doctor, has taken Molly under her wing, and has taught her everything. I am glad that we found a doctor who knows the ‘ancient ways’ as she likes to call them. She is always telling me that her people – the Indians – lived this way for many years, and she was taught the ways of her elders. I don’t’ know what I would’ve done without her.

Ben – my second in command – is just as amazing. I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without him. He’s the one who had found me in that prison camp; he’s the one who helps me when I’m wrestling with a decision. He is my confidant, my mentor, I guess. Mikey is lucky to have someone like him. I hope for Ben’s sake that we find Mikey alive and well. Ben deserves to be happy.

I hear someone come up behind me, and I know from the footsteps that it’s only Ben. It’s amazing what you learn when you are fighting your very existence. “It looks like we’re somewhere in Idaho right now. We’ve made some good time,” he tells me as he comes to sit down next to me on the ground. “The Scout Party saw a farm about two miles east of here, and they report that there are wagons and horses. We’re going to try and get them here in the next couple of days. It’ll help the trip go a lot faster.”

“I’m glad. I don’t know if Jacob can last much longer if he has to walk for the rest of the trip. He should be in one of the wagons,” I state, knowing that Ben will agree with me. Jacob is like our resident counselor, he’s always there to help us with our problems, and with what’s messed up in our heads. He’s also like fifty years old. Jacob has been like a father to me, more so than my father ever was. I don’t think I’d make it if he died because of something I couldn’t do or provide for him.

Ben just sits there and continues to stare out across the plain, and I wonder briefly what he’s thinking about. I wonder if he’s thinking about his life before that day in November 2001. I wonder if he’s thanking god for allowing him to live, to be rid of the disease that had threatened his life for so many years. I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like for him. To wake up and be ‘cured’ of the HIV virus, only to find out that at any moment you can die again. Maybe he has it the easiest of all of us. He knew before that day that he could go at any moment. He knew that his days were numbered … maybe it’s not that different for him as I originally thought. Maybe he is better off than the rest of us.

Me… fuck what about me? I learned that life is short the moment that damn bat came toward my head. I knew that life was short when I was taken by those assholes and held for a year. I knew that life was unfair. I just wish that things would start to get better… for all of us. I know we have a long road a head of us … but we’ve become a family. We’ve stuck by each other, and that’s something that I know the “Brotherhood” can’t take away from us. If these past two years have taught us anything is that things are precious, life is precious, and family is precious. We would die for each other… which is something that the Apocalypse couldn’t take away.

“Do you ever think about what it would be like if we ever found the guys again,” I ask not knowing why I had asked that. I have thought of nothing but that since I was rescued those months ago. I just don’t know why I actually voiced that question to Ben… hell to anyone.

Something are better left unasked, but I needed to know. I needed to know that maybe I’m not alone. Ben takes a deep breath, and sighs slightly. “At times, yeah. Michael and I were just starting out when I had to go to that conference in California. We were just getting to know each other, and I knew that he was the one for me. There are times that I hope that he is still alive out there, but if not… I’m ready for that too. We won’t know anything until we get there, and there is no use in worrying about what might be.”

“I know… I just wish I knew if he was alright. I am worried about things that I shouldn’t be worried about… things that I feel sick to think about,” I tell him honestly. I have never told anyone my fears, my nightmares. “I know I shouldn’t think like this, but I mean what will Brian think when he sees me again. I’m not the same person that I was when I met him. I’m not even the same person that I was a year and a half ago. I don’t know who I am anymore. How can I expect Brian to know?”

That’s my worse fear, I guess. That all this time, all this effort in trying to get back to him… that when we meet again, he won’t love me anymore. He’ll decide that I’m not worth the effort. I know that if that happens, I won’t survive the night.

“The thing you need to remember is that we don’t know, and thinking the worse will only make matters difficult for you. You’ll beat yourself up, until when you do see Brian again you’ll mess things up. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t do that to Brian,” Ben tells me. I suddenly realize that in all of our conversations together, neither one of us refers to Brian as being dead. Ben always talks like Brian is alive and well .. and looking for me. I am grateful for his belief in that. His belief that Brian is well keeps me going at times. “From what everyone used to tell me, Brian loves you very much. He’ll be there for you, and he’ll never let you go. I believe that… I think you should to.”

I can only nod in agreement, hoping beyond hope that he is right. “Same for Michael you know. You know that Brian would never let anything happen to Michael… so the two of them are probably sitting at the ruins of the diner, or at Babylon just waiting for everyone to come and find them,” I smile. I can picture Brian sitting there waiting for everyone to come to him. He always believed that you don’t go after people… that if someone wants you they will have to come to you. And Michael… well Michael would do whatever Brian told him too. That’s just the way of life…

“There are days that I can still feel him,” I tell him. I have NEVER told anyone any of this, but I guess all the sleepless nights that I have had in the past couple of months have taken their toll on my ‘invincible mask’. “I lay there sometimes, and I swear that he’s there with me. I can hear him talk to me, calming me, telling me that everything will be alright. I want to believe it, you know. I want to believe that if … IF he’s alive, that everything will be alright between us. That he won’t learn of what has happened to me and be disgusted.”

Ben placed a delicate hand on my shoulder, and I try to take comfort in his presence. “You survived a lot these past couple of years. And if I know Brian, WHEN you see him again, the only thing he’ll want to do besides kill those bastards is to hold you close to him forever.”

“I hope you’re right. But I’m not sure anymore. I’m not even sure that I really left that place. They took something from me, Ben… something that I’m not sure I can ever get back. They took my soul… the only thing I had left. How can someone live without a soul,” I ask. I believe everything that I told him… I really do. I mean, come on, you can’t expect someone to get tortured for a fucking year to NOT feel like they are the walking dead… Right? And that’s the way I feel… I feel dead inside. “How can he love me if I don’t have a soul?”

Ben turned me to face him, and I try to hide the tears that were coursing down my face. I was so scared. “Listen to me, okay.