Coming of Age Milestones

Introduction

Coming of Age Milestones is the outgrowth of the research and writing of Coming of Age: Exploring the Identity and Spirituality of Younger Men by David Anderson, Paul Hill, and Roland Martinson (Augsburg Fortress, 2006). The research and book addressed the glaring absence of men in the church between the ages of 18 and 35. The research, funded and sponsored by Lutheran Men in Mission, interviewed 88 young men in six different regions of the country (Charleston, NC, Long Island, NY, Minneapolis, MN, Puyallup, WA, Sacramento, CA, and San Antonio, TX).

Three Moves from the Research

One of the fundamental conclusions of the book was the need to develop a non-traditional men’s ministry in congregations. That is, the typical pattern of a men’s group that met occasionally (perhaps weekly or monthly) for Bible study, prayer, or a men’s breakfast was not likely to reach out to the young men like those in the study. Instead, Coming of Age recommended a three-step process described as three moves.

The first move (see pages 189-191in Coming of Age) is relational, giving attention to listening and learning about the young men in close proximity to others, especially older men. This move seeks to

  • assist young men identify and unleash their

passions

strengths

gifts

  • attend to the concerns and issues in their lives.

These all constitute topics that are important to a Christian understanding of vocation, topics that relate directly to a person’s sense of identity, meaning, and purpose, in the world.

The second move advocated in Coming of Age (see pages 191-195) builds upon the first move and develops a new understanding of and engagement with men’s ministry practices through a Young Men’s Ministry Council. Here the focus is on

  • the interests and contributions of younger men
  • the adventures and tactile life of the out-of-doors
  • nature and sports interest that engage these men in significant ways
  • the use of cyber space (“E-mailing, instant messaging, blogging, chatting, gaming, buying, selling, arranging personal music playlists, and so forth occupy huge chunks of their lives.” page 192).

The church needs to walk alongside these men in the venues that capture their attention and to communicate with these men using the communication means familiar to them. There are also a number of real life issues regarding relationships, work, personal competencies, and values that young men are facing. Here is an opportunity of care where the church can walk alongside them as

  • friends
  • mentors
  • coaches
  • guides
  • counselors
  • as those who can bring their life experience and wisdom to the aid of a younger generation.

Connecting with young men through these settings provides occasions for conversations around important topics of their lives, including their values, and beliefs.

The third move (see pages 195-199) seeks to impact the very culture of the church through the life of congregations. The concern goes beyond the focus on young men as an isolated group of people. It proposes a change in the very life, practices, priorities, and language of the church. The third move recommends a Coming of Age Men and Women’s Council that seeks to learn, to educate, and to implement faith and life practices that form faith and serve the church and world.

This Third Move

  • influences the preaching and worship life of faith communities
  • develops specific Coming of Age milestones that promote growth in faith and life at pivotal moments in the life of children, youth, and young men
  • establishes a life vocational center that helps younger men and move into adult responsibilities and work with a sense of meaning and purpose
  • advocates for collaborative leadership in the church that embraces and promotes life that is honest and real, respectful to others, and willing to work together among the generations and with both genders to make a difference in the world and celebrate life in the name of Christ.

Male Milestones

Coming of Age Milestones represent an important link in the larger development of young men’s ministry and the renewal of the church culture that supports it. It is part of the third move recommended by Anderson, Hill, and Martinson yet expresses many of the aims of the first two moves. Coming of Age Milestones

  • establish life-shaping relationships (first move)
  • plug into the interests of boys and men (the second move)
  • foster an environment in the church that focuses on faith formation and helps young men understand, identify, and own their sense of God-given calling in life (the third move).

In addition, Coming of Age Milestones are designed to

  • promote healthy and edifying relationships between boys, young men, dads, and other male mentors
  • recover an important element of the spiritual lives of people: single-gender settings (According to Leonard Sax, “All the major religions still remember what most North Americans today have forgotten: namely, that gender differences are real, and that genuine spiritual transformation is more likely to occur—in both sexes—in a single-gender setting.” Why Gender Matters, p. 228)
  • utilize the energies, interests, and needs of boys and men for inspirational, educational, and cross-generational experiences
  • equip male children, youth, and adults with intentional moments, fun and action-oriented activities, and the rich resources of the church to shape faith and life to the glory of God and for the love of neighbor.

Who Should Come?

In addition to the appropriate age group of boys, youth, and young men for each of the four male milestones, the following people are encouraged to participate:

  • Dads (It is so important to have dads at these events that it is worth offering each Coming of Age Milestone more than once during the year so that illness or extreme calendar conflicts do not interfere with the presence of dads at these milestone events.)
  • Grandfathers
  • Uncles and other older male family members
  • Male baptismal sponsors
  • Male mentors from congregation and community
  • Male staff or lay leaders from the congregation
  • Young men part of the twenty-something group who help organize all four of the milestone events
  • Youth and young men who have participated in the Coming of Age milestone in an earlier year (These people can serve very effectively as models and counselors to the younger age group going through a milestone event.)

Coming of Age Milestones as a Parenting Tool

These milestone experiences not only help build up the lives of boys and male youth, they also help adult men in their parenting role. A premise and ethic built into the Coming of Age Milestones is that every Christian adult is a Christian parent. All faithful adults influence and shape the lives of the next generations. Therefore, every Christian man who participates in the Coming of Age Milestones serves in a parenting role.

Parenting itself has been under fire in recent decades. A critical change in parenting since the first half of the 20th century is the loss of parental authority, and the implied consequences have been significant.

[Put quote in box] “The best evidence suggests that taking authority away from parents and giving it to young children results in: More fat kids. . . . According to the Centers for Disease Control, boys today are four times more likely to be overweight than boys were thirty years ago; girls today are three times more likely to be overweight than girls were thirty years ago.” (sociologist Norbert Elias in Sax, 166).

A number of negative health issues have emerged in the lives of youth that seem to be associated with a lack of clear boundaries for children and youth. Too often these days, school teachers and others who work with children and youth find parents defending their children’s behavior instead of shaping it.

[box this paragraph] A Duke University study of 991 children published in 2003 reported that obese children are much more likely to be disobedient than normal-weight kids are. (Sax, 169). More teen pregnancies: American girls between the ages of eleven and fifteen are five times more likely to get pregnant than same-age girls in other countries. More teenage criminals: Between 1965 and 1990 the rate of teenage criminal activity increased by more than 300 percent (measured as number of arrests per one thousand teenagers). (Sax, p. 170)

Discipline is an important tool and responsibility of parents. For the Christian parent, it is worth noting that discipline and discipleship come from the same root. The two concepts belong together. Both convey the idea of being a learner that impacts one’s character. One of the challenges for parents has been to identify the difference between being a parent a child’s best friend. For too many parents, the one role has become a substitute for the others.

[box these sentences] Leonard Sax points out to parents, “Your job is not to maximize your child’s pleasure, but to broaden her horizons. Those two objectives do not always coincide.” (Sax, 172) These milestone experiences will support dads and other men to broaden the horizons of younger males with the values, beliefs, and lifestyle commitments of the Christian faith.

These milestone opportunities will bring dads and other men in close parenting relationship with the children, youth, and young adult men. The milestone events are designed to lift up the role of dads and other male caregivers. They will be teachers and guides during the events. They will be honored for their role in the lives of young males growing up to maturity. The men will also be encouraged by the weekend retreats to take an active, supportive, and responsible role in the lives of the younger males. Men are important and make a valued contribution to the development and maturity of younger males.

Understanding Milestones

[put in a box] Milestones are meaningful, memorable moments in the lives of individuals and communities that shape faith, values, and relationships. Milestones Ministry takes those meaningful, memorable moments and marks them as part of the Christian faith journey (see the Milestones Ministry manuals from The Youth & Family Institute that promote cross-generational and faith formation learning at They create occasions

to name special moments and people

to bless those situations and those people

to gift the individuals (a physical gift or present to remind them of this important milestone moment)

as they continue their faith journey with the cross of Christ.

Coming of Age Milestones reflect recent research that resulted in the book Coming of Age. The goal of offering Coming of Age Milestones is to address important issues in the lives of young men before they enter young adulthood and while they are young adults. In other words, before a young man has found himself at the crossroads of his life wondering where to turn or why, he has experienced a faith community that gives him people, resources, and a way of thinking about his life, a safety net, that gives him guidance, courage, and a sense of direction. Coming of Age Milestones seeks to impact a young man’s life and faith journey long before he comes to moments of crisis or moments of regret.

Key Elements in Coming of Age Milestones

A fundamental goal of Coming of Age Milestone events is to celebrate and enliven personal faith through the cross-generational community life experienced on retreat and supported in follow up activities and relationship building after the retreat is over.

Coming of Age Milestones Ministry utilizes, in addition to the Coming of Age research (see above the “Three Moves from the Research”), recent research on gender issues, the power and value of cross-generational life, the Four Keys faith formation practices, a proactive and wellness bias by adding assets to the lives of young people, and Christian perspectives on vocation. Each milestone includes worship, cross-generational conversation, fellowship and learning, service to others, and rituals and traditions that celebrate special bonds between people and special memories that continue to shape lives. To maximize Coming of Age Milestones, follow up gatherings are recommended to reinforce the learning and strengthen relationships that promote maturation from childhood into adult life. Therefore, each milestone will offer the following:

  • Worship (*Devotions)
  • Cross-generational fellowship activities (*Caring Conversations)
  • Service (*Service)
  • Community rituals (*Rituals and Traditions)
  • Mentoring
  • Learning opportunities
  • Outdoor adventure
  • Asset building
  • Follow up opportunities

* These represent the Four Keys described below.

Gender Issues

[box this paragraph] We are going to talk about gender differences, but it is really important to remember that the difference between genders is less than the difference within a gender. Even though there are significant differences between the way gender brains work, we need to be carefully not to socially stereotype people based on these gender differences. Male brains and female brains work differently, but they can still produce the same results. It may be better to view the differences between genders as a continuum rather than opposite poles. For example, it is quite possible for a female to have interest in active sports, such as Danika Patrick (race car driver). It is quite possible for a male to be extremely verbal and interpersonal, such as Larry King (T. V. talk host).

A few decades ago it was largely understood that there was no significant difference between the thinking and development of boys and girls. It was assumed that they simply needed to have a fair and equal chance for development. Any differences that did occur appeared to be the result of surges of testosterone and estrogen and how the world treated them as boys and girls. However, recent research has clearly indicated that the differences between boys and girls, males and females, are much larger than hormones or the socialization process accorded by the environment. Brain research since the 1990s has been a major contributor to the breakdown of the earlier assumptions and the awareness of genuine differences between boys and girls and the developmental needs of each. For example, the left hemisphere of the male brain is specialized for language. For women both spheres have significant influence in language development and use. Females hear better than males at all ages. One study learned that nine-month old boys preferred toys like balls, trains, and cars much more than girls and girls at that age preferred playing with dolls and baby carriages more than boys. These gender-biased toys were preferred by either sex long before they understood gender differences (Leonard Sax, Why Gender Matters, Doubleday, 2005, p. 27).

One clear example of this comes from Elizabeth Snow, an elementary school Title One teacher. One year Elizabeth worked with five kindergarten boys that she really enjoyed. Nearly every day she would walk into their classroom and find one or more of these boys scattered to the corners of the room because their teacher had disciplined them for their rowdy behavior. Elizabeth noted that, although their teacher was a very good teacher, the boys tended to get into trouble because of the way the kindergarten teacher taught. For example, when this teacher would read to her students, she loved to bring them to sit close at her feet as she read. Elizabeth observed that little boys, especially the five she was getting to know quite well, could not handle such close quarters with others. They needed their space. Deprived of the physical space they needed for their more action-oriented bodies, they interacted with their fellow students in ways that was distracting and unacceptable to the teacher. The five routinely ended up isolated and eagerly waiting for Ms. Snow to take them to a different kind of learning environment. She had very little problem with the five boys, and, in fact, found them quite delightful, bright, and engaging.

For these boys, the physical environment made a big difference in their ability to learn, socialize, and to be appreciated and enjoyed by an adult in their lives. These boys needed an environment that gave them attention and space to move. Kindergarten girls on average need less physical space in which to move and to be comfortable. This is one example of how males and females are different and have different strengths and different needs.

Another example of differences between males and females is that boys and men need more assistance to develop “emotional literacy It has been observed that girls are encouraged to develop a rich emotional life and vocabulary while boys are discouraged from this development. Emotional literacy involves the ability to identify and name various emotions, the emotions of voice and body language, and the situations that produce various emotions in people.” [footnote: Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson in Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (New York: Ballantine Books, 1999), pp.4-5] Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson state, “Most important, a boy needs male modeling of a rich emotional life. He needs to learn emotional literacy as much from his father and other men as from his mother and other women, because he must create a life and language for himself that speak with male identity. A boy must see and believe that emotions belong in the life of a man.” (p. 7)