The Orchard
Published by The Jewish Federations of North America Rabbinic Cabinet
SPRING 2013 - NISSAN 5773
CALL ME MARA . . .
RESPONDING TO PEOPLE IN TIMES OF CRISIS
Rabbi David J. Zucker
Rabbi Bonita E. Taylor
In the Megillah reading for Shavuot, The Book of Ruth, we find the well-known and beloved words that have been a part of many engagement, wedding and renewal ceremonies: “I will go where you go . . . Your God shall be my God”). Of course, biblically, they were not spoken by one lover to another but by Ruth to her mother-in-law, Naomi. The romantic overtones and popularity of these words obscure their original context and overshadow the poignant words that Naomi speaks a few lines later when she and Ruth arrive at Bethlehem. There, the city is amazed to see her. The town’s women exclaim, “Can this be Naomi?” To which Naomi explains that although she left Bethlehem full, with the demise of her husband and her sons, she now returns empty of all that had been dear to her. She further responds, “Do not call me Naomi [pleasant]. Call me Mara [bitter], for [God] . . . has dealt harshly with me . . . has brought misfortune upon me” (Ruth 1:20-21).
These words have a strangely contemporary ring to them. Within the last few years, many people in and out of this country have lost loved ones and/or their homes to hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, terrorist attacks, and the like. Added to this is the widespread economic downturn that has deprived many people of their jobs and in too many cases, their homes. What had been a very pleasant life now has become a bitter one. In effect, they call out, “Do not call me Naomi. Call me Mara, for my lot is very bitter.” And some cry out, “Call me Mara, for [God] ... has dealt harshly with me.”
In our roles as professional chaplains or pastoral caregivers, we often sit with people in their vulnerability, in dark times in their lives. Often in their suffering, they despair that the relationship that they have with God is not the one that they thought they had or else why would God have allowed such misfortune to fall upon them! How might we respond to these people when they come to us for solace? What might we say, what words will honor their trauma? First, we must acknowledge that they do not need “our words.” Although it is natural that we would want to offer advice, we must understand that when people come to us and unburden their hearts, they do not expect economic or legal advice. There are other professionals and/or loved ones that they will seek out for those issues. At times like this, it is also natural that we want to suggest that life will get better before too long. In reality, we probably do not know what to do in their specific case, and as noted above, there are others much better qualified to give them practical direction. Further, it is futile to say that life will get better because besides being a close-to-meaningless statement, we do not know that their lives will get better. At most, words of advice make us feel like we have done “something” and we feel less helpless. We need to admit to ourselves that in the wake of life-shattering trauma, we are helpless.
Further, the more we talk, the more we stifle them with the subliminal message that we do not want to hear their sadness. What can we do? We can be a supportive presence and accept them where they are without trying to minimize their tzuris by offering them false hope or otherwise cheering them up. We can appreciate the magnitude of their sorrows, help them to further verbalize their laments, and encourage them to sing their “blues.” For who has a better right to sing the blues than someone whose world has been turned upside down, especially when it shows no signs of turning right side up in the immediate future? Most importantly, because as clergy we represent God to many people, when we sit with them attentively, letting them speak, and acknowledge their losses, we inherently carry the message that God is an ongoing presence even in times of adversity. We can additionally communicate this by taking the words of their blues songs and reframing them into spontaneous, custom-made prayers.
The book of Ruth does not record a response from the women of Bethlehem. Perhaps,they had the wisdom just to allow Naomi to speak the truth of her heart. Perhaps, they knew that it was not what they could say in reply to her that would
make a difference; rather, it was their willingness to take the time to listen. With such an empathetic reaction, over time Naomi could not fail to heal.
Rabbi David J. Zucker, PhD, is recently retired after having served as Rabbi/Chaplain and Director of Chaplaincy Care at Shalom Park, a senior continuum of care center for 18 years, and also as chaplain at Shalom Hospice in Aurora, CO. He is a Board Certified Chaplain (BCC) by the National Association of Jewish Chaplains (NAJC), on whoseboard he served for many years. A contributor to many journals, he is a member of the JFNA Rabbinic Cabinet.
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Rabbi Bonita E. Taylor, DMin is the Associate Director of CPE, and Director of Jewish Chaplaincy Education at HealthCare Chaplaincy in Manhattan, NY. She is an ACPE (Association of Clinical Pastoral Education) Supervisor, and a Board Certified Chaplain by the NAJC, on whose board she served for many years. She was designated the 2008/5768 Chaplain of the Year by the New York Board of Rabbis (NYBR).
The Orchard
Spring 2013 - Nissan 5773
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