Adverse Childhood Experiences,
Child Psychological Maltreatment and
Narcissistic and/or Borderline Parents
Introduction…………………………………………………………………..…………………..3
It’s Not About the Children………………………………………………..……………………5
Childhood Trauma and Toxic Stress………………………………...………………………..7
Relationships, Resiliency, Recovery………………………..…………………………………8
ACEs Predict Negative Health Outcomes…………………………….…….……………..…9
Narcissistic (borderline) Parents And Maladaptive Family Functioning…………..……..11
Narcissistic (borderline) Parents And ACEs………………………………………….... ….12
Narcissistic (borderline) Parents And Child Psychological (emotional) Maltreatment……..…………...………………………………………………………………..17
Three Clinical Indicators of Child Psychological Maltreatment……………………..…….19
Second Chance………………………..………………………………………………………23
Managing Severe Child Psychological Maltreatment Cases…………………..…….……26
References, Resources, and Resiliency……………….…………………..………………..29
The National Alliance For Targeted Parents………………………………………………..32
Introduction
America is in grave distress. Child psychological maltreatment (emotional abuse and neglect)is by far the most prevalent and damaging type of child abuse; yet it is the least likely to be reported, investigated, or stopped (Spinazzolla, 2014), by law enforcement, family courts, child protective services, or mandatory reporters like mental health providers. Psychological maltreatment typically co-occurs with physical and sexual abuse but is a formidable type of child abuse and neglect on it’s own affecting significantly more children than is realized by government reporting. The evidence of this crisis is seen not only in the abundant scientific literature, but also in the explosion of resources to help the growing number of adult children of narcissistic (NPD) and/or borderline (BPD) parentssuffering fromcomplex, developmental trauma of psychological maltreatment.
Psychological maltreatmentconstitutes a disruption in the parent-child attachment. This primary survival system creates a unique “bond” between a child and parent, which is intended to provide the child with the necessary emotional nurturance, attunement, and responsiveness a child needs to develop critical attributes for a healthy, meaningful life such as emotion regulation, self-acceptance, self-esteem, autonomy, and self-sufficiency. However, a narcissistic (borderline) parents lack interpersonal empathy to care for or about the emotional needs of their children. In addition, an NPD and/or BPD parents are self-absorbed and need to manipulate and control others to meet their emotional needs. Their preoccupation with themselves thwarts a child’s sense of safety and consistency and derailsnormal psychological development.
Science, health, law, and other child protection professionals have known for decades that parents with narcissistic and/or borderline personality disorders severely maltreat their children, but they appear baffled about how to recognize these parents and what to do about child psychological maltreatment. “Child abuse and neglect have been understood for decades as major etiological sources of aberrant behavior. It is perplexing that these well-described phenomena are buried in the in the back of DSM- IV and DSM-5” (Kaplan, S., 2014). It even more baffling that given the stark reality that that child psychological abuse and neglect is causing far reaching, cumulativedevastation in our country, the passionate and desperate efforts by the healthy ex-partners’ of narcissistic (borderline) abusers to intervene and protect their children are thwarted by authorities..
One problem is that a NPD and BPD parent is almost indistinguishable from the other healthy parent in public. NPD and BPD parents have been able to thrive in plain sight of authorities and laypeople because they can mimic socially and emotionally appropriate responses and the wounds they inflict are not visible. Many NPD people are actually admired in our capitalist economy for the ruthlessness by which they bully and manipulate their way into positions of power and control. NPD parents use the same ruthlessness to bully, manipulate and control their own children.
For over 30 years, the healthy (ex) partners of narcissistic (borderline) parents have been fighting to rescue their children from the psychologically abusive parent, despite being “targeted” by the abuser to be erased from the family. In addition, “targeted” parents have been re-victimized by the staggering lack of support from law enforcement, mental health, child protective services, and family court. Targeted parents suffer complex trauma from years of savage abuse by their ex-partners and the legal system and unresolved interpersonal grief. Family and child authorities consistently overlook the narcissistic (borderline) parent’s abusive and lawless nature and place children in their toxic homes. Targeted parents usually lose their children physically and emotionally to the abuser, along with their economic stability, their integrity, and their mental and physical health from relentless trauma (Harman, J., Biringen, Z., chapter 7).
This special report from the National Alliance for Targeted Parents describes the components of an evidence- based intervention and recovery program to save children fromsevere child psychological maltreatment by their narcissistic (borderline) parent.
It’s Not About The Children
It’s About Who Raises Them
Twenty years ago, theCDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study), proved that the quality of the relationships that a child has with his or her primary caregivers/parents has a directimpact on the quality of that child’s mental, physical, and relational health throughout life. Comprehensive research validated that certain common adverse childhood experiences (ACEs)derail a child’s development, predict lifelong physical and mental health problems, and is transmitted to the next generation.
The CDC-Kaiser study cited thetenmost prevalent and damaging adverse childhood experiences. These experiences included but were not limited to;child psychological maltreatment (emotional abuse and neglect), witnessing domestic violence, divorce, substance abuse, and incarceration or criminal activity. More importantly the experiences that cause children enduring emotional distress fall into clusters, highlighting the existence of underlying pathogenic parenting.
Children who are psychologically maltreated by a narcissistic (NPD) and/or borderline (BPD) personality disordered parent are exposed to 8+ out of ten adverse childhood experiences, making them some of the most severely maltreated children in the world. Yet, no child rescue or recovery protocols have been adopted by child protection agencies to intervene is cases of severe psychological maltreatment. Therefore, America has abandoned millions of children with no hope of escaping the macabre dance between nature and nurture of child psychological maltreatment.
This DOESN'T mean that every child who has some type of problem comes from a “bad” home or has a “bad” parent. But knowing that a child reaps what their parent sews changeshow we see, care for, and help vulnerable children. Instead of focusing on the childrenas the source of the problem by asking,“What is wrong with YOU?” The scientific knowledge about ACEs by pathogenic parenting directs us to askchildren,
“What happened to you?”
The scientific knowledge about ACEs is shifting the
paradigm on how we help troubled children by putting the focus
on the origin of the problem, not on the child.
ACEs are NOT about parents who reinforce appropriate family rules and boundaries (healthy family functioning) and occasionally lose their temper. The normal range for parent-child behaviors is quite broad. Children are resilient and forgiving ofa wide range of adversities even poor parenting,when they know that they loved and cared for by a consistent and reliable parent. ACEs are also not short-term events or problems that a family may struggle with like interruptedjob security or when a child’s focus changes from learning in elementary school to the opposite sex in middle school. Simply put, ACEs are not situational or temporary anymore than a child’s parents are situational or temporary. ACEs are prolonged emotionally distressing parent-child interactions that disrupt healthy child development and leave lifelong unseen wounds.
Childhood Trauma and Toxic Stress
Childhood trauma in the broadest sense is an experience that is so emotionally distressing that it leaves a negative imprint on a child’s life. When childrenbecome overwhelmed with distress, theirbrains activate a surge of energy and alertness boosters called stress hormones. These stress hormones optimize the body’s defense reactions for protection. In other words, fear prepares children (and adults) for fighting or fleeing (flight) from potentially harmful situations or people by releasing powerful stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Once the danger has passed,a child’s emotional regulation system should calm him or her downand eliminate the stress hormones fromtheir body.Unfortunately, most children cannot regulate this level of emotion without the help of a trusted adult. When the “trusted” adult is both the source of the trauma and the person who should be helping the child to regulate distressing emotions, the trauma is never resolved and the high levels of stress hormones in their body become toxic. This is called traumatic or toxic stress. Toxic stress is physically, mentally and relationally harmful especially on vulnerable developing systems in children.
Most people relate traumatic or toxic stress with combat veterans and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Indeed, traumatic or toxic stress has the same neurochemical and physiologic affects on children in abusive homes as it does on soldiers in combat. When we consider that trained soldiers can become completely disabled by the toxic stress of combat, it gives a clear picture of the severity of what toxic stress from childhood adverse experiences can have on children. The truth is that abusive and neglectful parents who cause chronic, toxic stress in their children are physically, mentally, and relationally more harmful to them than combat is to adults. And while our country boasts of nationwide campaigns to help victims of toxic stress, like combat veterans and those who experience natural disasters; America ignores millions of her abused and neglected children.
Relationships, Resiliency, and Recovery
There is an undeniable connection between relationships, resiliency, and recovery from toxic stress. Most combat soldiershavesecure and trusted relationships with their comrades, giving them the personal strength to overcome the toxic stress of combat. Soldiers bond and support each other; they listen, validate, and comfort each other. These trusted relationships provide soldiers with resiliency, which is the ability to regulate their emotions and reduce the toxic stress preventing long term, psychological harm like posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In his recently acclaimed book, The Body Keeps Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk summarizes how secure and safe relationships impact resiliency and recovery. “When we are terrified, nothing calms us down like the reassuring voice or the firm embrace of someone we trust. …assurance that somebody bigger and stronger is taking care of things…” (van der Kolk, 2014, p. 212).
Children are hardwired to attach or bond to their parents because this relationship provides physical and emotional safety and security, including resiliency from trauma. Even when children experiencetoxic stress, their stress hormone levels can return to normal if they feel physically and emotionally safe through secure relationships with at least one parent. An extremely ominous problem exists with abused and neglected children when the parent who they rely on for reassurance and emotional regulation is the person who is causing their toxic stress. This places children in an inescapable trap. Children can and do develop posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but a decisively more accurate descriptor is that they develop posttraumatic stressINJURY from a parent. Sadly, the number of veterans coming home from war with combat related PTSD is relative small compared to number children who “come home” to a parent who is the source of their toxic stress.
ACEs Predict Negative Health Outcomes
ACEs fall into clusters, which suggest some type of underlying parental pathology. This pathology negatively influences all family interactions and distorts healthy functioning. Therefore, abused and neglectedchildren suffer a cascade of life altering experiences without the resiliency of a healthy parent to help them recover from one adverse childhood experience before they are exposed to others.
ACEs havea dose response relationship with health outcomes. This correlation links the number of ACEs (the dose or ACE score) and the overall effect (the response/toxicity) on a child’s life. The ACE study found that the greater the number of adverse conditions that children have before they turn 18, the more severe mental, physical, and relational problems they will have after they are 18.
The following table summarizes the direct cumulative effects of exposure to ACEs.
Children with ACE Scores / Are Linked To Escalating Health Problems3 / Hepatitis 2.5 X, COPD 3. 5 X
Depression 4.5 X, Suicide 12 X
4 / 20 Year Reduction in Life Span
5 / Sexual Promiscuity (50+ partners)
Adolescent Pregnancy 53% increase
5000% Increased Rate of Suicide
4600% increase in injectable drug use
6 / Lung Cancer 3.5 X
Ischemic Heart Disease 3.5 X
7 – 8+ / All of the above and more
These horrific correlations spurred the onset of extensive research into detailed mapping of these pathological pathways. The common denominator was found to be toxic stress caused by abusive and neglectful parents.
Psychological abuse and neglect by a narcissistic/borderline personality parents is a formidable type of abuse. It has been found to be at least as damaging than sexual and/or physical abuse. toxically stressful home not only compromises the physical health of children but has an equally ghastly impact on children’s mental and relational health. In fact, psychologically abused and neglected children are at the highest risk for depression, GAD, SAD, relational insecurity, attachment problems and negative self-perceptions. Psychological abuse and neglect also predict behavioral problems, self-injury, and criminal activity better than physical and/or sexual abuse (Spinazzolla, 2014).
NO ONE GETS A
SECOND CHANCE
FOR
A HEALTHY CHILDHOOD
Narcissistic (borderline) Parents
And Maladaptive Family Functioning
Narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are categorized separately but they often co-occur and they share relationally destructive traits. Regardless of the diagnosis, or even if there is not a “diagnosis”, it is not safe for children to be alone with these parents for any significant amount of time; or at least not until the targeted parent and children know how to protect themselves from psychological maltreatment.
Psychologically abusive narcissistic (borderline) parents were raised by at least one parent with the same virulent pathology. The disorder was transferred genetically (nature) and environmentally (nurture) to the NPD and/or BPD parent as a child and it coalesced into the personality disorder around adolescence. Currently, there are at least 23 million narcissistic (borderline) men and women in the U.S (Grant et al. 2008) , NPD (Stinson et al. 2008) and the percentage is growing. It is likely that this number is actually much higher because narcissistic/borderline men and women are indistinguishable from other adults, other than their partner or ex-partner, and they themselves don’t recognize their own serious mental illness. Not all NPD and/or BPD men or women marry and have children, but the statistics suggest that the majority do.
Families in which one parent has an untreated NPD and/or BPD is a large and growing population of severely dysfunctional families. Recent research suggests that there are as many as 22 million families in this population struggling with narcissistic and/or borderline abuse . Some of these families are intact, but a very large number are engaged in long term, high conflict divorce and custody cases.
Narcissistic (borderline) Parents
And ACEs
According to reports of Childhood Adversities and Adult Psychopathology in the WHO World Mental Health Surveys, “Childhood adversities were highly prevalent and interrelated. Childhood adversities associated with maladaptive familyfunctioning (e.g. parental mental illness, child abuse, neglect)were the strongest predictors of disorders” (Kessler, R.C. et al., p. 387).
A parent with narcissistic (borderline) personality disorder is first and foremost a psychologically abusive and neglectful parent. He or sheemotionally abuses and neglects their (ex) partner and children without remorse or guilt because they have a profound lack of empathy for others. In addition, these parents have a full constellation of relationally abusive traits that account for the other ACEs in the cluster of childhood adversities.
Children who live with a parent
who has
NPD and/or BPD are chronically exposed to 8+
out of the 10 most adverse childhood experiences.
The following aremore examples of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) in families where one parent has NPD and/or BPD.
1. Psychological/Emotional Abuse AND 2. Neglect
NPD and/or BPD parents are by the nature of their disorders interpersonally abusive and neglectful. They are adept at manipulating and controlling members of their families. In the book, Intrusive Parenting: How Psychological Control Affects Children and Adolescents, published by the American Psychological Association, Brian Barber et al., define psychological control of children by a parent:
“The central elements of psychological control are intrusion into the child’s psychological world and self-definition and parental attempts to manipulate the child’s thoughts and feelings through invoking guilt, shame, and anxiety. Psychological control is distinguished from behavioral control in that the parent attempts to control, through the use of criticism, dominance, and anxiety or guilt induction, the youth’s thoughts and feelings rather than the youth’s behavior.” (Stone, Buehler, and Barber, p. 57)