Chapter 7: Emotions and Communication

Key Concepts

cognitive labeling view of emotions
counterfeit emotional language
deep acting
emotional intelligence
emotions
emotion work
feeling rules
framing rules / interactive view of emotions
irrational beliefs
organismic view of emotions
perceptual view of emotions
rational-emotive approach to feelings
self-talk
surface acting

Chapter Outline

I.Emotions, or feelings, are part of our lives. We feel happiness, sadness, shame, pride, embarrassment, envy, disappointment, and a host of other emotions. And we communicate to express our emotions.

A.Emotional intelligenceis the ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations and to communicate those feelings effectively.

  1. Emotional Intelligence on the Job is a critical factor in career advancement.

B. By understanding emotions,we can define emotions as processes that are shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences.

1.A physiological approach to emotion, also known as the organismic view of emotions, suggests that when an event occurs, we respond physiologically, and only after that do we experience emotions.

2.A perceptual approach to emotion suggests that subjective perceptions shape what external phenomena mean to us. External objects and events, as well as physiological reactions, have no intrinsic meaning. Instead, they gain meaning only as we attribute significance to them.

3.A cognitive approach to emotion suggests that what we feel may be shaped by how we label physiological responses.

4.A social influences or interactive approach to emotion suggests that what we feel and how we express those feelings is influenced by social influences.

  1. Framing rulesdefine the emotional meaning of situations.
  2. Feeling rules tell us what we should feel or expect to feel in particular situations based upon the values of cultures and social groups.
  3. Emotion work is the effort to generate what we think are appropriate feelings in particular situations

5.The approach towards emotions we adopt affects our belief that we can (or can’t) control our emotions and the feelings we can experience and express in our everyday lives.

II.There are two related sets of obstacles to effective emotional communication.

A.Just because we feel an emotion does not mean we express it to others.

1.Social expectations for Westerners indicate that it is more acceptable for women to express emotions and for men to refrain from expressing most emotions.

  1. Vulnerability or being afraid/fearful of what we express could affect others perceive us.
  2. In an effort to protect others, we may not choose to express emotions because it may hurt or upset others.

4.Certain social and professional roles dictate that we not express certain types of emotions.

B.Just because we express an emotion does not mean that we communicate it effectively.

  1. Sometimes we speak in generalities, which do not effectively express our true emotional states.
  2. Our nonverbal repertoire for expressing emotions is limited.
  3. Counterfeit emotional languageseems to express emotions but does not actually describe what a person is feeling.

III.There are six general guidelines for expressing our emotions more effectively.

A.We need to identify what we feel before we try to express it to others.

B.Choosing how to communicate our emotions involves assessing our current state as well as selecting an appropriate time and place to discuss our emotions.

C.Use I-language to express our feelings so that it reminds us we own our own emotions and avoids making others feel defensive.

D.Monitoring how we talk to ourselves about our emotions allows us to gain a better understanding of what we are feeling and whether we want to express it to others.

E.Adopting a rational-emotive approach to feelings focuses attention on

destructive thoughts about emotions that harm the self and relationships

with others.

F.We need to respond sensitively to others when they express their feelings, just as we would like them to respond sensitively to us when we express our emotions.

  1. It is also important to respond sensitively when others express their feelings to you.

A.Helping another solve a problem may be appreciated, but usually it’s not the first support a person needs when she or he is expressing strong emotions. What many people need first is just the freedom to say what they are feeling and have those feelings accepted by others.

B.When others express emotions to you, it’s supportive to begin by showing you are willing to discuss emotional topics and accept where they are as a starting place.

C.Paraphrasing is another way to show that you understand what another feels. When you mirror back not just the content but the feeling of what another says, it confirms the other and what he or she feels.

Discussion Ideas

  • Emotional intelligence: Have students generate a list of emotions they have felt or expect to feel in each of the following situations. After they generate their lists, lead a discussion about what labels they attached to the different emotions for the different situations. Why did they use those labels instead of others?
  • Birth of a child
  • First day of school
  • Family vacations/trips
  • First day of college
  • College social
  • Failing a course
  • Finding out a close friend is dating the person you desire
  • Commitment ceremony/wedding
  • Divorce
  • Family reunion
  • High school reunion
  • Break up of a committed romantic relationship
  • Death/funeral

This discussion idea can be used as a transition into the cognitive labeling view of emotions discussed in the text.

  • Framing and feeling rules: If you do not do discuss item one, ask students to generate framing and feeling rules for each of those situations. Framing rules are guidelines for defining the emotional meaning of situations (such as funerals may be defined as sad events while weddings are joyful), and feeling rules tell us that what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in a particular situation (for example, it may be appropriate to feel pride when getting a high grade on an exam).
  • Communicating emotions: If you have access to audio-visual equipment, choose a film or television clip where the emotions are conveyed both verbally and nonverbally. Allow students to listen to the verbal message and write down their perceptions of the emotions the person is conveying and the situation. Now allow students to hear the verbal message and see the nonverbal messages for the clip. Ask them what about their perceptions has changed and why. Note: This works even better if you can allow half of the class to see and hear the message while the other half of the class can only hear the message. This discussion can be related back to Chapter 5’s point about how nonverbal behaviors may repeat, highlight, complement, contradict, and/or be a substitute for verbal messages.
  • The rational-emotive approach to feelings: Lead a discussion about the extent to which students believe this is an accurate or inaccurate view of feelings. The rational-emotive approach to feelings emphasizes the use of rational thinking to challenge debilitating emotions and beliefs that undermine healthy relationships and self-concepts.
  • Flame wars, revisited: If you did not discuss flame wars in Chapter 5 for nonverbal communication, discuss them here in terms of emotions. If so, you can revisit the topic here by leading a discussion about what is considered appropriate and inappropriate expression of emotions over e-mail versus face-to-face interaction (for example, do the guidelines discussed in the text also apply to computer mediated communication). Further, ask students if they might e-mail someone, rather than communicate with them in person, to express certain emotions (for example, anger) or discuss a particularly emotional issue (for example, breaking up with a relational partner).

Activities

Title / Individual / Partner/Ethno / Group / Demonstration/Whole Class / Internet/
InfoTrac
1. Becoming Aware of Social Influences on Emotions / X
2. Applying the Rational-Emotive Approach to Feelings / X
3. Emotions in Song / X - P - H
4. Recognizing Counterfeit Emotional Language / X-H / X
5. Identifying Feelings / X

X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher

Becoming Aware of Social Influences on Emotions

This exercise heightens students’ awareness of social influences on emotions, specifically feeling rules, framing rules, and emotion work. Divide the class into groups of 5 to 7 students. Assign each group a situation in which emotional responses are likely. Examples of situations are the following:

  • Graduation ceremony at your college/university.
  • You see an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend out with another man/woman and you still want to be with the ex.
  • On the same day, you and your best friend hear from the company you both want to work for. Your friend is not offered a position, and you are.
  • You are enrolled in a class in which the professor gives dull lectures. After receiving a C on your first test, you go into talk with the professor. You think the grade is arbitrary and unfair.
  • Your parents criticize you for not staying within your budget at school and threaten not to give you extra money to tide you over. You want to convince them to help you out.
  • You are having a lot of difficulty keeping up with your classes while also working 20 hours a week. You know that several of your friends work as much and do well in school.

Tell each group its task is to specify at least 3 framing rules, 3 feeling rules, and 2 examples of emotion work for the situation assigned to that group.

Allow 20 minutes for group discussion. Then ask groups to present the framing rules, feeling rules, and examples of emotion work they generated. Invite members of the group and the class as a whole to notice differences in the rules and emotion work associated with different social groups such as women and men, and native United States citizens and people who were socialized in other cultures.

Applying the Rational-Emotive Approach to Feelings

This exercise provides students with an opportunity to use the rational-emotive approach to help them manage feelings in their own lives.

Tell students that you want each of them to participate in the exercise, and assure them that nobody will have to share his or her ideas with others. Sharing ideas should be entirely voluntary.

Ask students to take out a clean sheet of paper. You will be leading them through the rational-emotive approach to feelings on a step-by-step basis.

First, ask students to write down one real-life situation to which they had or have a distressing emotional response.

Second, ask students to write a few sentences that explain what they felt or feel in that situation. Encourage them to record physiological responses. Do/did they feel a knot in the stomach or lightheadedness? Are/were they shaking or tense? Do they have a racing heart or feel

nauseous?

Third, ask students to identify other situations in which they experience similar physiological responses. Then ask them to look for commonalities among situations in which they have these responses. Can they identify similar issues of insecurity, power imbalances, or context?

Fourth, ask students to write out what they hear or heard in their heads in this situation. Tell them to tune into their self-talk and to write out the messages they send themselves.

Finally, ask students to identify and dispute any irrational fallacies in their self-talk. Ask them if they can identify any of the following fallacies in their self-talk: perfectionism, obsession with shoulds, overgeneralization, taking responsibility for others, helplessness.

After students have completed their writing, ask for volunteers who are willing to share what they wrote with others. Remind students that there is no obligation to share ideas. It’s wise to have an example from your own life to launch the discussion. This shows students that you can feel pressured by irrational beliefs.

Lead a discussion of volunteered experiences. In the discussion place special emphasis on ways to dispute irrational fallacies. Brainstorm with students how particular fallacies might be challenged.

Emotions in Song

The purpose of this activity is to analyze how emotions and emotional expression are portrayed in popular culture, especially songs.

To prepare for this activity, visit Lyrics.com ( or A-Z Lyrics Universe ( and select certain song lyrics that portray emotions and their expression (such as the ones listed below).

  • Aerosmith – Jaded (
  • Boyz II Men – It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday (
  • Norah Jones – Cold, Cold Heart (
  • Madonna – What It Feels Like For A Girl (
  • Shania Twain – Man! I Feel Like A Woman! (
  • Usher – Without U (
  • No Doubt – In My Head (
  • Akon – I’m so lonely (
  • Mariah Carey – We Belong Together (
  • Alicia Keys – Fallin’ (

In class, put students into groups of 4-5. Make a list of the key concepts from the class on emotions, such as feeling and framing rules, obstacles to effective communication of emotion, influences on emotions, etc. Then, ask the students to identify which concepts of emotion that each song illustrates. Explain that if a song does not match up with a particular concept from the book, then have the students generate their own categories that encapsulate the key point(s) of the song.

After 10-15 minutes of students working in groups, have each group share with the class. This activity can lead into a discussion about how emotions are expressed in song lyrics, cultural assumptions regarding emotions, and rules for appropriate and inappropriate expression of emotions.

Recognizing Counterfeit Emotional Language

This exercise fosters skill in recognizing counterfeit emotions.

Organize students into groups of 5 to 7 persons. Give each group a copy of the conversation between a mother and her son. Reinforce the instructions on the handout by instructing the groups to discuss the dialogue and to identify any counterfeit emotions that occur in the dialogue. Also instruct groups to write out comments that would not be counterfeit as alternatives to the counterfeit statements.

Allow groups about 15 minutes to discuss the dialogue. Then lead the whole class in a discussion of counterfeit emotional language.

Identifying Feelings

This activity is used to illustrate some basic concepts when identifying emotions.

Instruct students to write out their answers on a sheet of paper.

Instruct students to list out all the emotions that they feel in a given day.

Ask them what emotions they feel the most and which ones they express the most.

Ask them if there a difference? If so, write why this may be.

Ask them with whom do people communicate their feelings and what types of feelings?

Allow students to fully write out their answers, and then lead the whole class in a discussion of feelings and the expression of feelings. Most students will report that they feel certain emotions, but may not express them to certain people. Discuss how identifying emotions and being able to express them can influence satisfaction in relationships.

Journal Items

Describe one situation in which an irrational fallacy did or does debilitate you. Identify two ways you might challenge that fallacy.

Responses will vary, but irrational beliefs or fallacies include perfectionism, obsession with shoulds, overgeneralization, taking responsibility for others, helplessness, and fear of catastrophic failure. Ways to change these fallacies include monitoring emotional reactions to events, identifying the events to which one has unpleasant responses, and tuning into self-talk.

Discuss how social roles and expectations influence how we express emotions. Explain if you believe that their roles and expectations are changing.

Responses will vary, but men and women vary in the ways society has influenced them to express emotions. Boys are taught not to cry and women are taught not too be too aggressive, because it is seen as an undesirable trait. Furthermore, some rules and expectations are changing. Women in business have been taught not to show emotion. There are more media representations of how emotions are expressed differently between men and women.

Describe the framing and feeling rules that operated in your family. Explain when you were allowed to feel certain emotions and which emotions were expected in specific situations.

Responses will vary, but framing rules are guidelines for defining the emotional meaning of situations (such as funerals may be defined as sad events while weddings are joyful), and feeling rules tell us that what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in a particular situation (for example, it may be appropriate to feel pride when getting a high grade on an exam).

Emoticons are graphical ways of representing emotions and other nonverbal features in computer mediated communication (CMC). Identify the emoticons you commonly use in your CMC. Reflect on why you limit your use of emoticons to those you identify.

Responses will vary, but commonly used emoticons include smiley faces :-) and frown faces :-( and winkey faces ;-) as well as many others. There is a long list of emoticons to convey a range of emotions, but people may not use them because they are not aware of them, or others they communicate with may not be aware of them. Further, certain e-mail programs, for example, vary in allowing users to select emoticons from a pull-down list when composing e-mail messages.