Chapter 10: Friendships in Our Lives

Key Concepts

friends of the heart
friends of the road / internal tensions
relationship rules

Chapter Outline

I.Friendships are an important relationship in our lives; they are unique because there are no rules, laws, or institutional structures that create and maintain them.

A.We expect to invest time, energy, thoughts, and feelings into our friendships.

B.We expect to develop an emotional closeness that includes self disclosure.

1.Some people, particularly feminine women and androgynous men, express intimacy through dialogue.

2.Some people, particularly masculine men, express intimacy through shared activities.

C.We expect that our friends accept both the positive and negative aspects of our selves; we do not feel we need to hide thoughts or feelings from our friends.

D.We expect to develop a level of trust, both confidence in the fact that friends will do what they say they will do and in the belief that a friend cares about us and our welfare.

E.We expect friends to indicate their support for us by showing, either verbally through dialogue or nonverbally through action, that they care.

F.Although our personal experience, gender, and ethnic background influence how we experience and express friendship, there is much common ground about what people expect and value in friendships.

II.Friendships tend to follow relatively stable rules for how they develop and function.

A.The majority of friendships work through a set of stages.

1.Friendships begin with an initial encounter, either planned or accidental.

2.Friendly relations occur when we spend time checking out whether we could develop a more lasting relationship with this person.

3.In the third stage, we work toward creating a longer-term friendship by starting to disclose our feelings, attitudes, values, thoughts, and interests.

4.Nascent friendship is when we begin to think of ourselves as friends and to work out our own rules for the relationship.

5.When we are in the stabilized friendship stage, we have determined that this relationship will continue, take future encounters for granted, and work at creating a high level of trust.

6.When one or both people stop investing in the relationship, get pulled in different directions by family or career demands, or violate trust or a rule, the friendship can begin to wane; communication tends to become defensive if it exists at all.

B.Relationships rules, even though we often are not consciously aware of them, help us figure out what is appropriate and inappropriate in this friendship.

III.Like all relationships, there are various things that make them difficult to develop and maintain.

A.Internal tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the individuals involved in the relationship.

1.Relational dialectics (autonomy/connection, openness/privacy, and novelty/familiarity) create tension when the people involved in the friendship have different expectations and/or needs.

2.Social diversity creates tension when our interpretations of different communication styles or perceptions create misunderstandings.

3.Sexual attraction creates tension when two friends have agreed not to add romance to their relationship or if one person wants romance and the other does not.

B.External tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the situation or context surrounding the relationship.

1.Because our lives are complex and friendships have no rules governing how often, when, and where we interact, they are frequently the easiest relationship to neglect when we have too much to do.

2.Our friendships change as we make changes in our lives (e.g., starting a new educational stage, a new career, a family; caring for others).

3.Geographic distance is becoming a larger constraint as we become a more mobile society.

IV.In addition to the general principles discussed in earlier chapters, there are four specific guidelines for enhancing communication in friendships.

A.We need to engage in dual perspective so that we can see the friendship as our friend does as well as understand the thoughts and feelings this person expresses.

B.We need to communicate honestly, even when that is not what the other person wants to hear or it does not paint a positive picture.

C.We need to be open to difference and recognize that every friendship or situation does not come in a neat either-or package.

D.We need to look beyond the small stuff so we can see the whole person.

Discussion Ideas

  • Features of friendships: Ask students to indicate the verbal and nonverbal ways they express each of the features of friendships (willingness to invest, intimacy, acceptance, trust, support). Possible responses could include closeness through doing, closeness through dialogue, covert intimacy, etc. Depending upon your students’ responses, you can have a discussion about why verbal or nonverbal ways were more difficult to generate or how men and women are similar or different in the ways they express friendship.
  • Friendship differences: Ask students to think of a good friendship that they have with a male and one that they have with a female. Discuss the different topics that are discussed in each of those friendships. Ask if gender make a difference on communication behaviors, such as the amount and ways they communicate with their friend. Discuss how males and females approach their friendships with others of the same and/or opposite sex. Discuss how any relationship rules that might exist in each of these relationships.
  • Beginning stages of friendships: Prior to the class where you are going to discuss friendships, ask students to go out and meet someone new on campus. They should spend at least ten minutes talking to this person. When they come to class, ask them to write down the first three things that came up in their conversation and the last three things about which they talked. This is usually a good illustration of how we have scripts for first meeting someone (where are you from; what’s your major; where do you live) and the fact that we do not get much past the orientation stage of friendships in the first meeting. Responses will vary, but an example of a script includes the student explaining he is talking to this person for a class assignment. This is a common explanation, or account that students provide in these situations since it gives the other person a reason for what otherwise might be unexpected behavior.
  • Ending stages of friendships: Ask students to identify a past friendship that was very important to you at one time, but that has waned or ended entirely. Which of the following statements accurately describes that friendship when it was ending? Student responses will vary, point out to them how each account, or explanation, varies in terms of dimensions of attribution (internal/external, global/specific, stable/unstable, and responsibility).
  • My friend was less interested in getting together or talking with me.
  • I was less interested in getting together or talking with my friend.
  • Career demands took too much of my time.
  • Career demands took too much of my friend’s time.
  • My family situation changed (I married, had or adopted a child, etc.).
  • My friend’s family situation changed.
  • My friend violated my trust.
  • I violated my friend’s trust.
  • My friend moved.
  • I moved.
  • There was sexual tension in the friendship.
  • My friend’s and my interests changed so that we no longer had strong common interests.
  • I developed a new, strong friendship with another person.
  • My friend developed a new, strong friendship with another person.
  • The friendship became too routine and boring.
  • Relational dialectics: Have students make a list of examples of relational dialectics they have observed in two or three of their friendships. Then, either individually or in small groups, ask them to generate a list of strategies for handling these dialectics. Which strategies do they find most useful in which kinds of situations? Common response strategies to dialectical tensions involve neutralization, selection, separation, and reframing).
  • Long-distance friendships: Ask students to generate a list of ways they stay in touch with friends who are more than an hour’s drive away. Possible ways might include the telephone, e-mail, occasional visits, etc. Once you have a complete list on the board, ask those students who use each method why they choose that approach. Then, ask those who do not use each approach why. This usually leads to a discussion of obstacles for long-distance relationships (which include financial issues, different ways of expressing closeness or intimacy, maintaining a high commitment to the friendship, etc.).
  • Meeting friends online: Ask students how many people have met people on-line, either in chat rooms, through bulletin board discussions, over e-mail, in MUD’s (computer programs that allow people to take control of a computerized persona), etc. Has a friendship formed with this person? How does developing a friendship on-line compare with developing a friendship face-to-face? In the discussion, encourage students to discuss the developmental phases of friendships discussed in the text (role-limited interaction, friendly relations, moving toward friendship, nascent friendship, stabilized friendship, waning friendship).

Activities

Title / Individual / Partner/
Ethno / Group / Demonstration/
Whole Class / Internet/
InfoTrac
1. Differences in Friendship / X
2. Moving Through Friendship / X
3. Friendship Manual / X
4. Internet “Pen Pals” / X - P

X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher

Differences in Friendship

This exercise will illustrate how our friendships with different people have an impact on our communication behavior.

Ask students to take out a sheet of paper and think of the friendships they share will other people. On this sheet of paper, have students name one friend for each category: (1) a friend who from a different culture; (2) a friend who is of a different religion; (3) a friend who is a different race; (3) a friend who is drastically different in age from you; (4) a friend who is a different sexual orientation; and (5) friend who has different socio-economic status.

Then, ask students to respond to the following questions on their sheet of paper:

1. Which friend is easier to communicate to? Why?

2. Which friend is fun to talk to? Why?

3. What do your other friends think of their relationship to your 5 friends listed above? Why?

4. Has your differences affected your friendship in any way? If so, how?

5. How do these friendships compare with your other friends who are similar to you?

Discuss the students’ answers and make them aware how our friendship differences may be very valuable. Discuss how communication behaviors differ in each of these friendships.

Moving Through Friendship

This activity highlights how communication varies in each stage of friendship.

Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage in the model of friendships discussed in the textbook. Tell the groups they will have fifteen minutes to construct a two-minute dialogue to illustrate the stage of friendship that their group is assigned. Encourage students to refer to their textbook to identify particular communication behaviors that tend to occur at each stage.

After all groups have presented their dialogues, summarize the activity by highlighting the role of communication in developing closeness between friends. Point out to students that communication becomes more personal (more toward an I–Thou relationship), disclosive, and informal as friendship grows and how distance, awkwardness, and less-personal disclosures occur when friendship is waning.

Friendship Manual

This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the rules they follow in their friendships. It also focuses their thinking on research that has been done on friendship rules in the United States.

Organize students into groups of five to eight members. Instruct the groups to take 20 minutes to develop a rule book for friendships among college students in the United States. Explain that they should assume the rule book is for someone who has not lived in the United States and not attended a U.S. college, so they must be very clear about what people need to say and do to be a friend.

Remind students that there are variations in friendship styles and communication and their manuals should give clear information on how to be friends with people of different races, classes, sexual orientations, and so forth.

After 20 minutes have elapsed, ask a representative from each group to read the rules it generated. List these on the chalkboard, noting which rules recur among groups. To culminate the exercise, you should focus discussion on the concept of rules as unarticulated and often unconscious expectations and patterns that influence how we relate to friends (and others).

Internet “Pen Pals”

The purpose of this activity is to compare and contrast web sites devoted to forming pen pal relationships for people from various standpoints.

Friends have written letters to create and sustain their relationships for centuries. The emergence of the internet has created new ways for people to meet and sustain their relationships. To prepare for this activity, visit a variety of “pen pal” web sites that focus on different standpoints and special interests (type “pen pals” in your favorite search engine). Examples include:

Buddhist Pen Pals (

Kid City Post Office (

Prison Pen Pals (

Write a Senior Citizen (

In class, go through each web site and ask students to make a list of similarities and differences among the sites. Lead a discussion on how this technology allows people to negotiate long distance friendships and compare it to how people negotiate their relationship in face-to-face interaction as discussed in the text.

Journal Items

  • Describe a friendship you have with a member of your sex. Analyze the extent to which it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.

Responses will vary, but gendered patterns of friendship include cultivating closeness through doing or dialogue and providing instrumental support or providing verbal emotional support.

  • Describe a friendship you have with a member of the other sex. Analyze the extent to which it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.

Responses will vary. Refer to the first Journal item above for examples of gendered patterns of friendship.

  • Review the research on rules of friendship covered in of your textbook. Analyze how these rules affect or don’t pertain to your friendships. Are there other rules specific to your friendships?

Responses will vary, but rules of friendship indicate what is expected and what is (not) allowed in relationships. Examples of friendship rules include maintaining confidentiality, not sleeping with a friend’s romantic partner, providing support, time, and acceptance, etc.

  • Consider a friendship that you sustain over long distances. What technologies (e.g., phone, e-mail, e-Cards, web pages, chat rooms, video phones, etc.) do you use to sustain this relationship? Do you use different technologies for different kinds of communication activities?

Responses will vary, but e-mail may be used to send jokes, e-Cards to send words of congratulation or encouragement, the phone when a big event occurs, chat rooms or web-based telephony to avoid long distance phone charges, web pages to share pictures, etc.

Panel Idea

If you didn’t organize the Multi-Racial Panel suggested for Chapter 1, it would be effective at this point in your course. Panelists who represent different races could inform the class of any race-related rules for friendship.

Media Resources

Web Sites

Name: The Virtual Community

Developer: Howard Rheingold

Brief Description: This site contains an online version of Howard Rheingold’s book The Virtual Community which discusses how people use computers to communicate, form friendships that serve as a basis for a community, and the tensions between “virtual” communities and “real” communities.

URL:

Name: Celebrate Friendship

Developer: Dave White

Brief Description: A list of books and resources about friendship and platonic love.

URL:

Name: Friendship Compatibility Quiz

Developer: iVillage

Brief Description: A questionnaire for friends to complete together (asynchronously or in real time) and compare results to identify their degree of compatibility.

URL:

Name: Office Friendships Can Boost the Bottom Line

Developer: John Burke, Bankrate.com

Brief Description: Reports on Gallup survey that found good friends in the workplace can have a positive effect on employee motivation and job satisfaction.

URL:

Name: The Friendship page

Developer: friendship.com.au

Brief Description: This site is devoted to friendships. It offers chat rooms, poetry, and cards.

URL:

Name: Building goodwill through friendships

Developer: Friendship Force organization

Brief Description: This site encourages friendships between people of different cultures in order to promote world peace and cultural understanding.

URL:

Film Ideas

A number of films depict men’s friendships and women’s friendships and highlight gender- influenced differences in how friendships develop and what they mean. You might select excerpts from several films or set aside enough class time for students to watch two complete films (one of male friends, one of female friends). Films depicting female friendships include Thelma and Louise, Fried Green Tomatoes, and Steel Magnolias. Films depicting male friendships include City Slickers, Dead Poets’ Society, andEasy Rider.

When Harry Met Sally depicts a relationship between a man and a woman and poses the question “can women and men ever really be just friends?” In addition to highlighting gender differences, this film invites discussion of whether sexual tension dooms friendships between the sexes.

About A Boy. This film illustrates the unlikely friendship between two very different people. The film illustrates how friendship can be important to both people involved.

As Good As It Gets. This film tells a story of friendship and love between two unlikely people. Ask students to consider sacrifices people make in their relationships in terms of tolerating and/or accepting other’s differences. How do friends and intimate couples negotiate their relationship when this is “as good as it gets?” Consider the role of dual perspective in this process.